River of life.

B-day grandson #3.

Went over the our son's new home yesterday. I had ordered BBQ for lunch, to take over. Next time I know to get more. The coleslaw and beans were only touched by me and Sweetie. So, now I know what not to get. We had a great time as usual. 

DIL and I have a great deal in common politically, and because Sweetie isn't a good sounding board, I can have a chance to express many things, we talk and listen, and then  repeat. Needless to say, I had a wonderful time, and Sweetie seemed to enjoy being with the boys. 

#3 grandson's birthday is close and so we took a card and gift. He is into knives, so that is what we got him. His mom said that I knew what he wanted, that I "was in his wheel house." Scratch one up for the Grands.

There are times when I just want to cry out, "When will this end?". I would love it all to come back to a normal that is wonderfully dull. A time of just being two people that can be apart from each other without the drama. To turn back the clock and be what we used to be. Cannot do that, for you see, one thing I know, is that life doesn't have a reverse gear. I'm not Superman who can spin the world backwards to save my Sweetie.

I can only go where the river of life takes me. From the snow melt, down through the gorge, over the rapids of life, through the lake of life, and finally down to the ocean where all will end. 

I need to talk to Driver about that, but I know what He will say, that today has enough worries of its own, so why borrow trouble from tomorrow?  It isn't that I want to know, it is the hope of getting through what I know is ahead. Like a parent that want to do the best for their child, at the same time, not knowing just what is the best good. Is it for the child, or is it best for the parent? For me, I'm doing what is best for my child, my Sweetie, knowing that she is on a different river than me. I can only help from the shore, with a long pole, hoping to keep her out of trouble, knowing that I can't stop the flow. Driver's comforting hand is on my shoulder, and I relax. We are on the Road to Dementia Town, cruising with our Shiny Side Up, and that is good. Care to join our caravan? All you have to know is that we are on the Road to Dementia Town, and just Keep Your Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless.

 

Let the tears flow.

Angel Fire Vietnam Memorial.

 We went to the Vietnam Memorial to donate some posters. I had framed posters about the history of the squadron I served on. I was blessed to fly with the only Naval Aviator that received the Medal Of Honor for performing a midnight rescue in Vietnam. 

One of the things that Sweetie and I had in common was the Navy. Her dad was a lifer in the Navy. Two of her brothers also served in the Navy and one Marine (almost a sailor.). I was happy that she still remember why we were there. Yet like so many other memories, they are no longer available for her to remember. So I do it for both of us. 

Have you ever wanted to find a quiet place, a private place to just sit in, with no one around, and just cry? I do. There are days when just the idea of what we are passing through, the endless days and nights, the fighting to do some of the most simplest life things, the wanting to have that one who talked to you for years to say something that means she knows what I'm talking about, those times that are missed. The nights that all I want is to pull her close, and cuddle. When all those no more times build up, I need to find a place where I can cry, wail, and let the tears flow. I've reached a overflow and need relief.  I can't take a drink, I can't get high, because that relief only masks the which is still there when I get back, so why even try. If you don't know, I'm a acholic, and I can't, because that road leads to disaster for both of us, so I won't.

I find my tear time with my Driver. He is there ready with a hankie, and a warm hug. He is my strength, my endurance to see this through. There isn't anything wrong with the tears that flow, for they are tears of love and loss, the most valuable of all. Just one more thing that we share as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, and sometimes it is had, but, we're keeping our Shiny Side Up. Let's see how many cars we can caravan today as we travel together down the Road to Dementia Town, keeping our Shiny Sides up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless. 

A small group of husbands.

Navy reunion. 

One of the things about using this blog, it that it causes me to see some of life moments and were and will never be again. Traveling with Sweetie, planning trips, spending time getting to our destination, those are gone and will never happen again. 

My mind set is to do as much as we can on a daily, weekly, and if possible, monthly bases. At our monthly meetings, there was a man who joined our group a couple of years ago. He would tell us his wife was doing just fine, little decline. This month, she is now in a facility, and getting ready to go on hospice. It as if her dementia just jumped up and devoured her. He has already accepted her demise and is ready to move forward.    

Then I got a call from another friend from the group last night. I was preaching at the facility his wife was staying. I've know both husband and wife for many years now. He is the one that got me into the support group. He is suffering because of the separation that is with the Covid shutdown. His wife, like Sweetie, is the "Energizer Bunny", seems to go on and on, getting weaker and weaker, yet still has the strength to go another day. 

Comparing the three of us, #1 may have a quick end to this journey we are on, then again, hospice doesn't mean the end is near. For there are those who's wives stayed on hospice for years. #2 is the example that I admire, he has shown me the love that it takes to keep watch over that which he loves the most. As for me, the luckiest of this small group of husbands. I'm with Sweetie, at home with me and we are still out doing things. Sometimes it is a challenge to get her to and from, but she is with me.  

Can you guess who is reading this with me and smiling? Yep, Driver is here and knows my heart. Life will go on, there are dark days to come, yet while we are together on this side of eternity, Driver, me and Sweetie will be making memories together. When the rough roads come, or the detours arrive, we will get through it, as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town with our Shiny Side Up. Caravan is heading your way, join us on these adventures down the Road to Dementia Town, as you drive with your Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless. 

 

Sweetie and me.

Sweetie and Me.

What a day we had. From the time to get Sweetie up till we went to bed after the sun went down. It began with a no plan day. One of the reasons I like the weekdays, is that I have a routine, a time to get up, breakfast, golf, lunch, some TV, drive to the mall, walk, a drive to get home, some more TV, dinner, and then bed, easy-peasy. 

I'd mentioned that I got the cast iron frying pan out, and I tried it out on sausage and eggs, it work well, and I am just tickled with myself for reverting back to old faithful. Bought some Kosher salt and a steel wool type scrubber for it. I know it will take some work to get all the crap off it that has built up over the years, I think its worth it.

After breakfast, we took a walk around the neighborhood. The cool fall mornings are great for us. Sweetie and me out in the daylight, walking and talking to some of the neighbors that are out. Sweetie pulls me away, because I'm with her, not them, and she wants to walk. 

Saturday is a day that I try and do some house work, and it was the upstairs closet. I got about halfway through getting what I wanted to get done, when Sweetie started acting bored, I knew that my cleaning time was done. So into the car we get, off to the walking mall, a trip around the two floors and back home. 

I've begun keeping empty coke bottles, and refilling them with water, keep them in the refrigerator. When we leave the house and are in the car, or when we are watching TV, I'll take a drink from one, and pass it over to her, and she'll take a drink. I can judge how well she is hydrated by the weight of her overnight pads in the morning. Sometimes I do such a great job, she overflows her night time pads. 

Looks like we'll have a good day on the Road to Dementia Town today. The sun will be up and shining, not a cloud on the horizon and with a full tank of gas, we're off. Me and my Driver, heading down the highway, with smiles and miles to go. I see other cars on the onramp waiting for us, could one of them be you? You're always welcome to join us, as we caravan down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Sides Up. C'ya, Love ya, and, as always, God Bless. 

Putting off the enviable.

Sweetie, rainbow and humming bird.

Sometimes I can't believe what has been lost in a short 5 years. This picture is that old, and in that time, Sweetie has forgotten all that is in this picture. She doesn't know what a humming bird is, a rainbow, and doesn't know how to use a cell phone. She still knows her name, and sometimes I think she knows me. At least, she will say "I love you." and for me, that is enough. 

Yesterday, we had a sitter that had been her before and made me happy to see her. With that in mind, I was able to get out of the house quickly. I had a great day on the course, met some new people, and shot a very decent round. 

Upon returning, the sitter told me that Sweetie was able to sneak out. She said that her strength surprised her as she wrestled with her in an attempt to keep her in the house. All was well, she was a better shepherd with Sweetie and was able to get her back into the house. It sounds like I found a keeper for Sweetie, so, I'm going to request that she is our Angel. 

Life is starting to settle into a good routine for us. Being that today is Saturday, it will be a shower day. When I was undressing Sweetie, I caught a whiff of body order, so it will be good for her to shower. 

I started with Ensure on her cereal and am waiting and watching. It isn't much, but they way I look at it, any extra protein is better then none. She is still loosing her ability to eat, and even in the red bowls she is not eating. I can help, and soon, I know she will need to be fed. We have jello for desert and she has a hard time cutting into the stuff and eating it. Maybe I'm just putting off the enviable, not wanting to face that reality, to keep her as independent as long as possible. 

Leaning on the everlasting Arm, that is what is playing now, and I know who's arm I need most of all, my Driver's arm. He won't let me lean on Him while He is driving, only before, at rest stops, and at the end of the day. The rest of the time, He tells me the safety of Him diving is enough for those times. He's right you know, His grace is sufficient for me as we motor down the Road to Dementia Town, with our Shiny Side Up. The caravan is forming, as we drive down the Road to Dementia Town, with our Shiny Sides Up. C'ya, Love ya, and God Bless.    

 

Pearl

When we only had these 2 grandsons. 

I've been using non stick frying pans for the longest time. Now we are having hamburgers for lunch, I remembered our cast iron frying pan. Old and crusty, but it fries the burger patty so well. As a result of getting out the frying pan, I went to You Tube to find out how to properly clean it. Kosher Salt. Watched the video, and now we are in business. 

I found out that Sweetie likes our homemade burgers, I cut the one we make in half, and with apple sauce, she gets a good lunch. I found that I cannot give her both at the same time. She uses the spoon to cut up the hamburger, so a new twist is added to lunch. Do I cut up her hamburger and then give it to her, or do I not give her the spoon and applesauce until the burger is gone? I doesn't matter which I choose, as long as she gets a good meal. 

Today, I have a sitter coming, so I can play golf and walk the course. I have been thinking on the instructions to give the sitter. For whatever reason they don't get the idea that Sweetie cannot go out the front door. They have to protect her from getting out. This is very important, and I don't want to come home to an empty house again. 

The extra dose of Hemp Oil seems to be helping Sweetie maintain a better balance and her ability to stay on track. Though she is getting weaker all the time. I can just see it in her. When we walk the mall, it is becoming more of a chore then a pleasure outing. I think I'm beginning to see a time not so far into the future that these outing will come to an end, as they will for all things active. 

I'm helping her eat more and more. The other day, I had to go to the VA for some lab work. We stopped at McDonald's for breakfast afterwards. Sweetie couldn't eat her egg, sausage sandwich by herself. I separated the halves and gave it to her one bit at a time. I was happy she ate as much as she did. 

Driver knows, this wears on me. If I was an oyster, I'd be making on big pearl by now. He knows, and tells me, that this is the Pearl of Great Wisdom. Something that cannot be taught, just caught. He knows what I'm going through and He helps me make sense of it. As we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. I see a Shiny Side Up on the onramp, could that be you? Your company is always welcomed as we caravan down the Road to Dementia Town with our Shiny Sides Up. C'ya, Love Ya, and God Bless.   

 

Dementia is moving.

The beach, Sweetie and me. 

Words, and more words, and what do they mean. For those of us who are caregivers, they are something that just bonces around in our husband's, wife's, sister, brother's, who have  brains infested with Dementia. There are times when we can say, something as simple as, "I'm leaving, do you want to come with me?" and then receive a answer that fits the question. Again, there are times when the question doesn't register, or is totally misunderstood, or wasn't received. The answers that Dementia sends to me are just signs of how it is enjoying munching on Sweetie's brain. The more it munches, the more misunderstanding takes place. 

When it comes to checking Sweetie's pullups, I calmly bring her into the bathroom, and in a small and none threating tone, I tell her what we are here to do and what I have to do. I find words like, "Its OK for me to do this." or "You have given me permission to touch you there, its OK." One that seems to work well, is that "I'm your caregiver, your husband, and I love you, and this is what I'm doing, taking care of you.". I don't know if it is the words, the phrasing, or my tone of voice, all I know it works a good percentage of the time. 

I've bumped the CBD dosage to 4 times a day. For whatever the reason, fall is getting hard for her to handle. Sundowners is always in the shadows, just waiting to spring up and sprinkle goatheads all over and waiting for Sweetie to step on one, and boom, she is off. 

I'm still seeing a decline in her appetite, while it still is sign that her Dementia is moving forward, she is still eating. Today is the day we do some shopping, and I'm going to get Ensure for her, to use on her cereal and to fortify her milk. The goal is to keep her energy levels up as much as possible. 

I know my Driver is going to do the same with me. As we drive, and I can rest in the front seat of the car, I'll be re-energized, simply by being in the car with Him. I know just how much I depend on my time with Him, for I know He shows me the path, as if there were lights on my feet. As we go, driving the Road to Dementia Town, and as always, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. If you see us, come join us, your company is always a joy, as you too, travel the Road to Dementia Town. Keeping your Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Love Ya, and God Bless.     

 

Sundowners trying to come back.

With our only DIL

Fall is here, just the beginning, some of the trees are already changing from green to gold. The days are getting cooler, and the same goes for the nights. For what ever the reason, it seems to weigh on Sweetie. 

Her sundowners is trying to make its way back into our evenings. Last night, she was restless, and getting wild eyed. Her ability to listen, to just sit was ebbing from her. It was time for her to get some relief. So, I gave her some Oil and put lotion on her. There was the struggle, putting a dab in her hand, and she began the pulling away act. She couldn't understand what I was telling her about rubbing her hands together, but she wouldn't let me near her hand with the lotion. 

I had to work with her, slowly, calmly, soft voice, it took some time, but after that, she curled up next to me, and was fine for the rest of the evening.

Meals are getting more of a struggle, she will start eating fine, but about halfway through the meal, she starts telling me she doesn't know how to do it, and I have to help. 

I'm going to try some ensure with her. I know getting her to drink almost anything is a struggle, so I was thinking of using ensure on her cereal. the Vanilla flavored. It looks like milk, and may improve the cereal. 

If there is any improvement, I know my Driver will be smiling. He knows what I'm up against and He is there, at any time ready to pullover and stop for a rest, for there are many rest stops along the Road to Dementia Town, as we pull into one, always Keeping our Shiny Side Up. Makes it so easy to find us. You won't have to look hard. The caravan is getting ready, so Keep your Shiny Side Up, and we pull out onto the Road to Dementia Town. C'ya, Love Ya, and God Bless.     

 

Her anchor.

Sweetie with youngest daughter.

Sometimes I just wonder what each day is going to be like, compared to the day we just had. I know that each day is new and special. I keep wanting to hold on to yesterday, as far as what Sweetie knows and does. Then again, I know that there isn't anything that will be the same today that was yesterday. 

When it is just the two of us, that is when Sweetie is her best. She has made it know that I am her security blanket, she follows me everywhere, more so now, then just a few months ago. She seems to panic when I get up and move, like a pet, she watches me, and when she cannot see me, she is up looking for me. 

Years ago, when I first joined the support group, it was pointed out, you can't leave them along. They don't know what their are doing, and can harm themselves or the house. I feel very fortunate that Sweetie doesn't get into things, she just wants to get out of the house. Not so much with me, but when I leave her with a sitter. I think it is a crazy urge to find me, and because I'm not in the house, I have to be outside somewhere. 

I told you that I'm going to bed with her and how good it is for both of us. I can feel her moving around, shifting, tucking in the blanket, just a general uneasiness. I'll reach over and hold her hand, and she settles right down. I know that I'm her anchor to what bit of sanity she has left, and I'm happy. 

Speaking of anchors, you know that my Driver is my anchor. For He holds me steadfast, though I may drift, He is there making sure I don't drift too far. Ever see a race car drift? The front wheels turn into the skid, and the back goes the opposite way. When I'm in the car with my Driver, even if the car skids, I know He is in control, turning into the right direction. Scary and fun at the same time. All the while, Keeping our Shiny Side Up, and we drive down the Road to Dementia Town. Want race? Just Keep your Shiny Side Up, and we're off, racing down the Road to Dementia Town. C'ya, Love Ya, and God Bless.   

 

Closest friend.

Two of the greatest gifts in my life

Sweetie and her son. 

Like to spend some time here telling you about Sweetie's son, and right now my closest friend. Things, as you can imagine, were not the best growing together, and many rough edges had to be smoothed out between us. Now he is a diamond in our lives that shines brightly. 

Where are we on our travels down the Road to Dementia Town? We are on a flat spot that isn't swerving or twisting. I can see to the horizon and it seems straight and smooth. Clear skies and for now I'll take that. 

Sunday, was as normal as we can get. Made bacon and pancakes for breakfast. It is fun to watch Sweetie discover "new" foods, like bacon. She will ask what it is, I'll tell her, she tries it, and likes it. I sometimes wonder what her world is like, always finding new things in it. A stack of two pancakes were a challenge for her to eat, so I separated the stack which made it easier for her. At one point her cakes were dry and I tried to pour more syrup on them, and she wouldn't let me, or move them to where the syrup had pooled, nope, again. I should be happy that she is just eating. 

Lately, I've been trying new foods with our dinner and I stumbled upon Butternut Squash. Watching a cooking show and was impressed with the use of the squash. We tried it, and Sweetie loves is. Because she will eat it, I'm going to try other squashes as we go.  

One of the side effects that I didn't count on was that the squash was a natural laxative. I was surprised and pleased to find something that I can give to her, and get two positive results from, one a clean plate, and the cleaning of her insides. Which also brings us to the third benefit, a happier Sweetie. An empty Sweetie is a happier Sweetie. 

Maybe because we are moving into fall, today being the first day of fall, we had a small round with Mr. Sundowners last night. She became restless and wanted to lay down, but was up 5 minutes later. We struggled and that is when I got the lotion out, put a dab on the back of her neck, and down she went. We both had a good night after that. 

It's that time again, time for me to get in the car for our ride down the Road to Dementia Town, with Driver behind the wheel, wearing that great smile of His. I'm buckled in, cool sunglasses on, and away we go with our Shiny Side Up. Better get going yourself, if you want to caravan with us. Bring your troubles, your woe's, and pull in behind us, as we all cruse down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Sides up. C'ya, Love Ya, and God Bless.     

 

Silly me.

Just one year ago, how she has faded.

About to start a new week in the life and caring of my Sweetie. It will be mostly the same thing, eating, walking, cleaning her up, dressing her and watching TV. I've started talking to her as if she can understand and answer me, to challenge me, to adjust my behavior, but I know it is just a front. She has long since lost that ability. 

Each day she is getting closer and closer to the point that taking her out, grocery shopping, walking in the mall, or even on the golf course is going to go away. I will dread that day. For even for the little bit of time away from the house is a blessing. When we shop, it is only a few things that we need. I only buy one gallon of milk at a time, so that in two or three days at the most, we will need milk, which makes the need to head out to the grocery store for one more gallon of milk. Maybe one or two more items, but it is out of the house. 

Yesterday, we took Tweetie (the corvette) out for a run to the store. When we were almost there, I remembered, I don't keep masks in the corvette, so we headed back to the garage. Switch cars, so at to keep mask in that car. For I'd forget which car they were in, just keep them in the same car. Silly me. 

Rarely is there anything new in life. As it is said in scripture, there isn't anything new under the sun. I can apply that to our lives. As in those days when I was working, it was the same thing over and over again. So, my choices are simple and easy for me. I can accept where we are, and find "reasonable" happiness, or I can raise my fist and complain, which only deepens my despair. So, what is it going to be? 

That my friends, is what and why I spend my time with my Driver. He can show me those wonderful Easter Eggs that I miss, the times when Sweetie will flash her wonderful smile, come alive with a one liner that will just make me let loose a belly laugh to the point of tears. Yes, there is more to life than being her caregiver, and more will be revealed. As we travel the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. Come on along, and, for you, more will be revealed, as we caravan the Road to Dementia Town, Shiny Side Up, of course. C'ya, Love Ya, and God Bless.   

 

Empty house.

Sweetie and her grandsons. 

This is such an old picture of the family. We were having a real hard time and were separated when this picture was taken. Now the two in front are taller then grandma. 

Sometimes, my time here with all of you, if feel like we are sitting at my dinning room table, and I'm sharing my life with Sweetie, and you. As we sit and drink coffee, or tea, or whatever, I feel safe to let emotions run and there is only support and love in the room. 

The life I live is a lonely one. Sure, I go out and meet and talk to others, but mostly they are strangers, or acquaintances. There are no knocks on the door, phone calls to answer, and most of all, there is silence. Not the physical silence, it is the mental silence, the non engaging silence that comes from, basically living alone. I hope you can understand that. Living with Sweetie is, if you will excuse the expression, living with an old pet. You can feed it, take care of its business, put it to bed, a steadfast pet that only knows how to express emotions without words. Knowing that the time is on its way that the end is near. And yet, we struggle on for each new day. 

Yesterday, I came home to an empty house. The front door was unlocked, and I guessed Sweetie and her sitter had taken a walk. Then I thought, the sitter doesn't know the neighborhood, and she doesn't know how to get Sweetie back in the house. I was right. Went out and found them, Sweetie bossing the sitter, and she was doing her best to keep her safe. They were both happy to see me. I need to give these sitters more in-depth instruction about her behavior. If this keeps up, I may have to find a better person/agency. 

That is one of the stops that Driver and I will have to take, to discuss what to do with Sweetie's sitters. Life is full of its ups and downs, and when I leave with someone that is suppose to know how to handle a person with dementia, I expect more than chasing them down when I get home. My Driver understands my stress, and we talk about it on the Road to Dementia Town. He's keeps encouraging me to Keep my Shiny Side Up. Let me do the same to you, and it is easy to remember, that by driving down the Road to Dementia Town, we are just driving through life, and with every mile, it is a new mile. So, keep your Shiny Side Up, and I'll catch up with you. C'ya, Love Ya, and God Bless. 

 

Battle of wills.

Sweetie with oldest grandson. 

Our grandson is in the Navy, stationed on the east coast. We miss him because he rarely comes home to visit. 

For the past two mornings, Sweetie hasn't been able to swallow her vitamin pill. She'll put it in her mouth, and take a drink of water, swallow the water, and then spit out the pill. She is also loosing the ability to brush her teeth, and to understand direction. 

She is acting more and more like a 5 year old when it comes to having something in her hand. If I don't get her to relax and then take it from her, she pulls her hand back, so that I can't get it. It doesn't matter what it is, to her it is the most valuable object she has, and will do anything to hold on to it. 

Bed time turned into a battle of wills. I make her wear a top and PJ bottom pants, or just her pullups. It is easier for us to change in the morning with less cloths on. I can't tell her that, because it won't make sense to her, so we battle the jeans off. Once the battle is over, and I get her jeans off, into bed she goes. 

I told you that I'm back to going to bed with her again. It works out well, for I can do some reading before I go to sleep, and I seem to be sleeping better myself. We used to pray before we'd go to sleep, then in digressed to our prayer song, now I just let her go off to sleep. 

This morning, I've arranged for a sitter so I can go to my support meeting. I need this time today. We haven't met in over a month, and just the mental relaxation, and hearing the common thread of stories being told, for some reason, I find comfort. I feel so fortunate to have Sweetie with me during this time of CV19. Men that cannot be with their wives tell a story of loneliness, because their lives are so wrapped up in their wives. 

Driver knows. He knows what a blessing Sweetie is to me, even when I cannot see it. He has those darn Easter Eggs laying around, and when I stumble on to one, my eyes are opened. Easter Eggs are of joy from the past, meant to encourage me as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town. Then help me Keep my Shiny Side Up. Just pull in behind me on this journey, Keeping your Shiny Side Up, and we'll find out together. C'ya, Love ya, and as always, God Bless.  

 

Silhouette

What She is like now. 

Reason for picking this picture is it represents what Sweetie is like in my life. The fact you cannot see her is because the light is in back, and she comes a blocker of the light, thus a shadow or silhouette of who she is. It doesn't take away any of who she is, you just can't see it. 

Sweetie is so precious to me and I love and hate each day with her. Yesterday, when we went walking at the mall, she has to follow a certain color tile as we walk and I have to keep telling her what a good job she is doing while walking with me. Because of her following the tile, I try to make sure she can see the path ahead of her. 

I've noticed that she is slowing down as we walk, and doesn't seem to have the energy to move quickly, or step lively as we trudge the mall's path. 

Last night, I kept Sweetie up with me. When we went to bed, she was ready and wanted me in bed with her. It was nice to go to be together again. The reason that I changed our bed time was because of her sundowners, and it was easier for me to put her to bed first, and wait for her to be asleep. Then I noticed she was still awake when I got into bed, so a change was needed in our bed times. She may not say much, or what she says isn't what she means. Her actions speak loud and I am aware of her needs. 

As my Driver is aware of my needs. He sets up times for being active, and a time for rest. I cannot be very active if I'm not rested, and I cannot rest well, if I'm not active. Driver plans each venture on the Road to Dementia Town, knowing that Keeping our Shiny Side Up is most important. So, off we go. You coming? Keep it between the lines, with your Shiny Side Up, and we'll caravan Down the Road to Dementia Town, with our Shiny Sides Up. C'ya, Love ya, and God Bless. 

Reasonable Happy

Could never understand her love for roosters.

There is a phrase in one of my morning prayers that keeps ringing in my head. "Reasonable Happy." At first, it was two words in my morning pray time. Lately those words are meaning more things to me then ever. Am I reasonable happy? When I use that phrase to encircle my life right now, I have to say yes. 

My life with Sweetie is what I make of it. I could find the anger to yell which there are times when I'd love to do just that. What good would it do? I think it would just magnify the anger not diminish it. So, I think, reasonably happy is good. For life isn't what I get out of it, it is what I put into it. 

Now, I have something that I can pour myself into, and that is Sweetie. She is becoming such a frail creature, and when she gets defiant, I am beginning it is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of life. Our most precious moments are when she flashes on who I am, and is at peace. 

The idea that Sweetie's brain is dying and like any dying person, grasping for that last breath, fear of closing their eyes and not opening them again is real and present. I think in time these moments will be gone, and she will be just an empty shell, and I will be alone. 

Not totally alone, for my Driver is on His way now. Got the car all polished up, and the sun is shining, so off we go. Me with my cool sunglasses on, riding along, knowing that we're on our way to Dementia Town, with our Shiny Side Up. We won't be hard to follow today, just look for that bright spot, you can't miss us as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, as we Keep Our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Love ya, and God Bless.

 

Disorientated.

Fall is on its way. 

I never know what I'm going to post about. It is only when I sit down, open up the blog, and put my fingers dancing across the keyboard, that the words begin to form. I'm usually finishing my first cup of coffee, have done my morning meditation, devotional readings and prayer time, then comes this. I know that somewhere there is something that I want to say about living with Sweetie. 

It seems that she is becoming more and more disorientated. When we get into the car, sometimes she gets in and buckles up, then the next time, she doesn't even know what the seat belt is. The same is when we are returning to the car from shopping, there are times she knows the car, and then again, I have to point it out to her. These changes seem so gradual that you may not notice them. 

Then there are times that just surprise me. Like yesterday on the golf course, met with another couple, and the lady asked Sweetie if she golfed. Sweetie's answer was as clear and precise. And within a few minutes it was gone.

We've progressed to pulling a chair over to the dining room side of the kitchen and having Sweetie sit in it as I prepare a meal, or am cleaning up afterwards. It is better for both of us, she doesn't have to use energy to stand, and I don't have to be worried I'll bump into her while working. Most of all, Sweetie is happy. 

I've been using the term, "You can see me." on the golf course when I get out of the cart to hit my next shot, and now I'm using it in the house. Keeping in her line of sight is very important to her. 

Keeping in my Drivers line of sight is just as important to me. I know He is the one directing my words, my thoughts, and our lives. He is there, in the car, waiting, knowing what bumps, turns, and detours are ahead. Into the car I go, got my cool sunglasses on, and Driver is there with a big smile on His face. With a roar of the engine, we're off. Down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. That you, coming around the corner, see you have your Shiny Side Up, as we caravan down the Road to Dementia Town. C'ya, Love Ya, and God Bless.   

   

Looking through the prism of the past.

Carlsbad Caverns. 

How is it, that when I post, there always seem to be some sadness? Like this picture of us, it was my birthday trip to a bucket destination. The Caverns at Carlsbad. We had been living in New Mexico for about 20 years and this was the first, and as of now, the only time we visited them. 

When the Memory Library is opened, I can see the wonderful times we shared together. Years of the joy that could only be found by looking through the prism of the past. I will be filled with joy when these days will be abled to be viewed that way. As for now, they are the daily task that make up the caring and loving way of taking care of a frail and precious jewel that is Sweetie. 

As I replay each day when I write this blog, I choose between the good, bad, and so what normal going on from the day before. Sunday is a ify day. I'm not sure what will happen, because I don't have any real plans for us. 

It started normally, and then Sweetie got up, earlier than normal, so we got started. I made bacon and pancakes for breakfast, and we are now at the part of her using her hands to pick up food and eat is becoming a problem. Bacon, to me is a finger food, and to Sweetie, it is a mystery. She did finally eat it, but what a wonder watching her, plus the syrup that got on it was sticky, and she didn't like that. Next time, just pancakes, no bacon, and I think she will do just fine. 

Had an experience with hunger. We skipped lunch because of our actives and I was planning an early dinner. Sweetie became very anxious suddenly, and I couldn't figure it out. Gave she some CBD, and we took a walk around the block, and the more I tried to calm her, the worse she got. Then, it was time for dinner, the food was ready, and we ate. It seemed that as soon as she put food in her mouth, she relaxed, and started eating. After dinner, it dawned on me, what I had done to her by skipping lunch. The rest of the evening went well. 

What is ahead today? Don't know, but this I do know, my Driver is ready for another excursion down the Road to Dementia Town. Ready to help me make it through another section of the this rollercoaster ride with Dementia. As always, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. You coming? Just follow along and Keep your Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Love Ya, and God Bless.    

 

Roller Coaster Ride.

Sweetie. 

Can it be that today is the day? The day you ask? Yes, the day that I can stop this roller coaster ride. We both know it isn't. There are still ups and downs still left. Slow rises and quick downs. There are the spinning tight curves to navigate, the loop to loops to survive, and the end always seems right around the corner, yet when we get there, it leads to another stretch of track. 

Funny isn't it? How I can wish for the end to come soon, and at the same time, I'm so thankful for each and every day that I have with Sweetie. She is teaching me to be someone that I thought I would never be, and to have an understanding of undemanding love. To give and at the same time, receive what she can give back. Her love is pure, for she doesn't have any impurities left inside of her. 

I'm learning to know when she is bored while we are watching a show. Her face seems to become hard, stone like, and I know it is time to move. So, into the car we go, and down to the mall for a walk around, or a drive around town, just something to get her out of where we were. Usually about an hour and she will reset and track well for the rest of the day. 

Eating is beginning to fail more and more. Last night I was loading her fork with food, and she would then put the food in her mouth. I think it won't be long before I have to feed her myself. I know that is one of the stops along the way to Dementia Town. 

The Road to Dementia Town isn't the same for you and me, it is my own and the only way for me to get there in one piece is to keep riding with my Driver. He knows the stops, and can help me prepare for them, as we go. Down the Road to Dementia Town, with our Shiny Side Up. I can see your following us, for there is a vehicle with its Shiny Side Up behind us. C'ya, Love Ya and God Bless.     

Dementia, just a word.

Took her to see the Lion King play.

Years back, when the Broadway hit, "The Lion King." was at Pope Joy, Albuquerque's big time theater, I got us tickets for a matinee. Sweetie still had enough mental reasoning to understand where we were going and what we were seeing. Of course this is now just another room in my Sweetie's Memory Library.

When I visit the library, it brings back those times when we were just people. When we had been married for so long, that we had blended into one person. We didn't have to try to be happy, it was easy just to be happy. Having shared so many years together, knowing each other's moods, her likes and dislikes, and getting ready to spend our sunset days together.

Dementia was just a word, something that happened to others, not us. Sweetie retired when she turned 65, because for a year, she slowly kept forgetting how to do important things, job requirements, to the point she felt she could no longer do her job. That was our first indication that something wasn't right. It was 2 years later, we went for test, and that is when our world turned upside down. 

We will never right this ship that we are on, floating on the ocean of life, for there is only one port available for us. I know where it is, but right now it is only a location on our life's map. It is still below the horizon and out of sight. Still, I know it is there and will, in its own timing, show up. 

Until that day, until that time when our port of call is in sight, I'll be with my Driver, as we motor down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. Of all the choices I have, this is the best one. If you agree, come join us as you travel down your Road to Dementia Town, Keeping your Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Love ya, and God Bless.    

 

Feel cheated.

Me a Sweetie, I love you, Sweetie. 

What can I say about yesterday? It was a good day for us? Ya, sure, but does that cover the day? To be frank, no it doesn't. 

Because of the blistery day before, I'd decided to let Sweetie sleep, and try to figure out what to do all day. Sleep in wasn't in her plans, for she got up around the time I would normally get her up. Because we had time on our hands, and she was messy from the night before, it was shower time. Washing her hair and body, drying her off, and putting on clean clothes become special events. Sweetie doesn't know it, but doing this, is such a reminder of what we were like and the intimacies we shared in years gone by. 

There are times when I feel cheated. When we could talk, kiss and touch as lovers do, and now that is all but taken away. I do get my hugs in, a few lite kisses, but that is all, just surface emotions, nothing more, nothing less. 

Last night, I pulled out the red plates and sat at the table for dinner. Because she isn't eating as much as I'd like, I thought I'd give the red plates a try. She did OK, ate just about all there was on her plate. I'm giving her more then what I've been giving her, trying to fatten her up. I've been to enough meetings, seminars, and what I read on my own, to know that less intake is the norm, and weight loss is a battle that cannot be won, just slowed down a bit. 

Today is my "Freedom" day. A sitter is coming in to watch Sweetie as I was going to my support group. I woke to an email that has cancelled the meeting, and rescheduled for next week. Because of the hoops to jump through, I cannot cancel this morning, so I'm off to the golf course for that time. Got to take advantage of the me time.   

That is what I have when I get into the car with my Driver. Me time, even though it is really His time. I feel like I'm the center of His attention, knowing just what I need before I know what I need. So it isn't me time, it is our time and I get as much as I need. He is always showing me the good things, the loving things, that where there is sadness, joy is waiting around the corner. He tells me that you can't have one without the other. Ying and Yang does have some merit here. He explains it all, as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Shiny Side Up, with a side of laughter along the way. Coming? It is easy, just follow us, as we travel the Road to Dementia Town, Keep your Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Love Ya, and God Bless. 

 

CBD and Stress Relief to the rescue.

Sweetie and the tree.

The tree was taken down because bark  beetles are killing the trees here, so for now and a long time to come, there won't be leaves falling in the fall. The tree is now part of what we are living through and a foreshadow of what is to come. 

Yesterday, the weather turned nasty and cold. Wind, rain, and cold temperatures. We didn't go outside for most of the day, and I didn't want her to get into the wind, so we didn't even go to the mall. We did take a long car ride in the afternoon. For the most part, it was a good day. 

It was towards the evening time that things got a bit shaky. After dinner, Sweetie acted like she wanted to head off to bed, and we tried a couple of times. It wasn't until I gave her some CBD and put Stress Relief lotion on the back of her neck that she was able to relax and go to sleep. Also, getting her pad in earlier in the evening has reduced the stress of herding her to the right bed. I don't want to move her down stairs yet, still worried about her wondering off. 

She got out last night, I thought I heard something and when I went to check on her, thinking that she was in bed, she came back inside. It was too cold for her to be out. I had forgotten to lock the front door and was thankful for the cold weather. 

We might try to get out today, suppose to be warmer and less windy. Keep you posted. 

One of the things about being with my Driver in the car, I don't worry about the temperature in the car, He always has it just right. Not too cold or hot, so I can relax, take it easy, and cast all my cares on Him, for He cares about me. As it is, as we drive down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. You coming? Keep Your Shiny Side Up as we travel the Road to Dementia Town together. C'ya, Love ya, and God Bless.  

 

The future is now a thief.

We were watching balloons from the Fiesta.

She still has the Maui sweatshirt and Angel cap. What she doesn't have are the memories of this picture, of the Balloon Fiesta and the fun we had chasing the balloons as they flew overhead. When I see her in these pictures, I can judge just how she far she has gone down the Road to Dementia Town. 

She is now a shadow of who she was. Her face in now drawn and her cheeks are drawn. It seems that no matter how much I feed her, she just doesn't have the get up and go, for it seem that it has gotten up and gone. I know I'm not telling anyone who reads this anything new. 

When we were younger, a year seem like forever. As adults, we could start seeing that a year was a period of days, weeks and months, and we could plan events, trips, ceremonies into the future. Now, I look more back then ahead. For yesterday are where the memories live, yesterday is where my Sweetie is healthy, talkative, moving, dancing in the kitchen, being naughty in the shower, those times are the joyous times, for the future isn't bright anymore. The future is now a thief, taking my Sweetie further and further away from me. 

My Driver understands. For He holds the future in His hands, and I draw comfort that in His future, Sweetie will be the lover of my soul that she is, and she will be whole. When I get in, I let His presents wash over me and we drive. Driving down the Road to Dementia Town, and He makes sure that we Keep our Shiny Side Up, which makes me smile. I hope your Shiny Side is Up as you get your smiles and miles as you travel with us, down the Road to Dementia Town. C'ya, Love Ya and God Bless.    

 

Disease of Old People.

Sweetie, Tweetie, and Balloons. 

I forget that there are those that do not know or understand just what is happening with Sweetie and her Dementia. We play golf with a lady that I've know for years and sometimes she is just an annoying person, asking, to me, dumb question. 

She knows Sweetie has Dementia, but that seems to be like she has a cold, and will get better. I don't think she understands that Dementia is in fact that the brain is dying. It is atrophying. It isn't that she is becoming forgetful, or slow, or cannot find the right words, for those who think that way, They just don't know that this disease is a one-way ticket, and once on the train, you cannot get off until it is over. 

When people hear the words Alzheimer's or Dementia, I believe they don't have any idea of what is happening. Its a disease of old people, it happens late in life, it is the elderly couple walking, or pushing a wheelchair in the mall, its sitting with them, feeding them, because that is all they see. They don't know the heart ache one of them is going through, they don't know how alone they are, just the two of them. Walking, sitting, without words between them, holding a hand that doesn't know why it is being held, Telling their life partner that they love them, and hoping to see that sign, for how fleeting it is, that they are still in there and knows. 

Yesterday was Labor Day, the kick off of the Holiday part of the year. It should of been the day of family, of BBQ, of laughter, of togetherness. It wasn't, and I'm not surprised nothing happened. I planned a day, as if it was just another day, and that is how it went. Just another 24 hours, sun up to sun down. It was good. 

I did do what I mentioned yesterday, I got Sweetie ready for bed about an hour before she went down, and what a change it was. She was able to get upstairs, in right into bed, no muss, no fuss, and down she went. Think I've hit a sweet spot in timing here. 

Sweet spot in timing is anytime I get into the car with My Driver at the wheel. This morning, I can park my cares and woes at the curb, they will be there waiting for me to return and I can pick them up then. For now, it is smiles and miles as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. You too and park your worries on the curb, they will be waiting for your return, in the mean while, make a joyful noise as you travel your Road to Dementia Town, with your Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Love Ya, and God Bless.  

 

Every single second.

September, last year.

Picture was taken at the State Fair, last year. Because of CV19, it has been canceled this year. The picture of Sweetie shows me just how much she has changed. We both have. 

I have said that Alzheimer's/Dementia just doesn't take the one it affects, it takes the caregiver too. Because we have chosen the path of no meds, because there isn't a cure for this disease, we just live day by day watching the sun go down in Sweetie's life and that drags me down that same path. 

We enjoyed our day yesterday. I didn't let her stay in bed as I would normally, I got her up, and after breakfast, we had lawn duty. Got the mower out, and cut the grass. Sweetie likes to help, and with her by my side, she helped push the mower, back and forth until the yards were cut. I just love how she gets helping me. I think she thinks that I can't do it by myself, so she has to help me get the lawns done right. 

We than went to the driving range, so I could work on my game. We bring a camping chair for Sweetie to sit in and watch. A bucket of balls, and bottle of cold water, a chair, and the range. An outing, something to do then just sit on the couch and watch TV. I know that there is a time coming that will be the only thing that we can do, so I'm taking advantage of every single second of her ability to get out and do something. 

I've decided to try something new with Sweetie and her overnight pad. Instead of waiting for her to go to bed and then put them on, I'm going to do it earlier in the evening. When she is more receptive to the idea of me getting her pullups down and checking them. Sometimes I have to think out of the box for solutions, to plan ahead, and be a positive motivator. 

Well, it is time for me to get in the car with my Driver, the positive motivator in my life. I believe that these simple solution, like the timing of pad replacement, comes from Him. He is the one with the creative spirit, and I trust Him. After all, He is the one driving me Down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. Be looking for you, as you too, drive down your Road to Dementia Town, Keeping your Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Love Ya, and God Bless. 

 

Sleep, too much or not enough.

The best Sweetie ever. 

Had a semi-good day yesterday. I let Sweetie sleep in, and that in itself may have been the beginning of a bad evening. 

After I got her up, I headed her towards the shower. After the shower, trimmed her nails and cut her hair. I'm getting better at cutting her hair. Before I was afraid of making mistakes and she would look silly. Now, it is just learning how to trim around the ears and back of the neck. I'm still amazed with how curly her hair is. 

Tried having bacon and scrambled eggs for breakfast. Because she cannot cut the bacon, I tried chopping it up and put it in with the eggs. It worked, but was too much of a hassle for her. We got it done, and that was good. 

Because she basically eats what I put in front of her, I've been thinking of trying other foods. It seems like she doesn't know what it is, and eats because I give it to her. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, supper, snack, are all words that have no connection to what she eats. If I skip a meal, she doesn't notice it. I'm the one that keeps the food schedule and what we eat. 

Our trips to the zoo are getting short. Because they have all the indoor exhibition closed, and most of the walkways closed, we usually spend more time getting to the zoo then being in it. Still, taking food for the ducks and fish does have its good times. There are Canadian Geese that are bold enough to eat out of my hand, which gives Sweetie great delight to watch. She is afraid to try and that is fine. I have gotten her to toss some food into the water, but after two or three times, she is bored and doesn't want to do it anymore. 

When we are home, she seems to want to sleep more and more. There were times yesterday, where she would go back to the back bed room, crawl into bed, and 5-10 minutes later, be back with me in the living room. 

When she did go down for the night, it was early and I was worried she'd get up in the middle of the night. Plus we had a battle royal getting her night pad on. I hate those evenings. I know that if I don't get her pad on, I'm in for a wet bed in the morning. We haven't had one of those since we starting using overnight pads. I just hate the war they create when putting them in. 

Time for me to get refreshed, and I'm ready. Driver is waiting for me and so I'm off. Going to get my cool sunglasses and into the passenger's seat we go. Down the Road to Dementia Town, singing hymns and praise songs, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. Hope you can carry a tune as you drive down your Road to Dementia Town, Keeping your Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Love Ya, and God Bless. 

 

Honoring her dad.

Taken outside the VA. 

Took this picture when we visited the VA Hospital here in Albuquerque. She has a very strong tie to the military. Her dad was a lifer in the Navy, Gold Hash Marks, Which isn't easy. Plus 3 out of 4 brothers served, and then she married me, a Sailor. She has embraced her heritage with honor. Sad that she doesn't remember any of it. When we go out, sometimes we'll wear some hat, shirt, that vets wear, and when people thank her for her service, if there is time, I'll tell them that she is honoring her dad and family. 

Sweetie uses me as a mirror, and wants to dress like me, so when I'm picking things out for her to wear, I'll also try to match her as much as I can. There was a time in our marriage that the idea of being twins was completely out of the question. 

Back in the day, when families wanted to look like families, they dressed the same. I can remember when my dad and me had suits from Robert Hall. The standing joke was, when asked your name, to open the inside of your jacket and look and say, Robert Hall. How proud I was to be wearing a suit like my dads. Sweetie never did like the idea of being forced to wear what the boys wore, so when we got married, that look alike BS went out the door. Now she wouldn't have it any other way. 

Good day, yesterday. Golf, Zoo, and Mall. Yep all three. The zoo is beginning to get really boring. They have closed all the inside events, and you can only see about half of the animals. The elephants are closed and that is one of Sweetie's favorite animal to watch. It has been awhile, so I wonder even if she remembers them. 

Night time was easy, she didn't fight me as we put in her night pad, and went to bed easily. Love those type of days. It makes life worth living. These are the days that I will remember and cherish as good days. Even when she gets hard to work with and doesn't track well, there are good memories there as well. Easter Eggs are always there, even when I don't want to look for or find them. 

One that I don't have to look for is my Driver. He is the one that shows me the Easter Eggs, mostly when I don't see them when we happen by them. He know just where to point me when I'm lost. On the Road to Dementia Town, as we Keep our Shiny Side Up. Need some help finding Easter Eggs? Driver can help point you in the right direction, on your Road to Dementia Town. C Ya, Love Ya, and God Bless.