To that which was.

Spring time.

As we end April and head into May, spring time is upon us. Here in New Mexico, we are having the last throws of winter. There is fresh snow on the Sandia's and we are expecting another storm this weekend. So, I picked the little Daffodils this morning. Something new, different, and one of my favorite spring flower.

I struggle with the passage of time, and the progression of Sweetie's Dementia. 

Awhile back, a long while back, I was in line to get gas at a Costco, when I spied a man, rumpled, snot running down from his nose, having a hard time getting gas in his car. To say that he wasn't a very appealing figure is to say the least. When out of the car came a rather handsome woman, who came to his rescue. My thoughts at that time were, to now my shagrin, how a woman could be so kind to him. 

I have come to regret those thoughts in my present condition. For love is the great masker, maker, and softener of who or what shape are loved ones are in. 

As I look back at the pictures that I post of my Sweetie, on how beautiful she was, and to who she is today, I can still look into those wonderfully beautiful blue eyes, and tell her how much I love her, even when there is a drool running down her chin, or snot dripping from her nose, to see who she was, transforming her in my mind to that which was and will never be again. 

Thursday

She was awake when I came into the room, and she greeted me with that wonderful smile of hers. I knew we had a chance of having a good day. 

Lately, she has been difficult to get up, even when she tries to help, it is a painful event for her. So, I'm as gentle as I can be, and as quickly as I can to get her out of bed. I know I've mentioned this before, and I wonder how much more she will be able to get out of bed without these difficulties. 

Since that one morning of her being dry, it has gone back to the other, a very wet pullup, and she has wet through them. So, we are now forming a habit of showering and washing her bottom. I think it is paying off, this wet morning routine. We are having better days since we started washing her privates. 

I have to say we had an outstanding day. Golf, mall crawl, and even working in the yards. Because of the rain, did some weeding. Sweetie actually pull a couple herself. I enjoyed the time outside with her. Not unlike the golf or mall, just to have her with me, sitting on a stool, wearing a glove on her good hand, as her attempt to help with the weed pulling. It didn't matter what she did, I just encouraged her and told her what a great helper she is. I get rewarded with her smile. 

Driver is looking for the sunglasses to help see what is coming down at us. We're driving into the sun, its bright and low on the horizon. Not to worry, He knows what He is doing. So, I relax, hug Sweetie, as we head into the sun, heading towards Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless. 

Do no harm rule.

Reflection of what was.

Life doesn't have a reverse gear. While I can reflect back at what life with Sweetie was, I still have to live in the now. Living with my Sweetie, everyday, come what may, I'm living with her. 

She had always been the ballast to my hot air balloon, the rudder to my wayward sailing ship. She brought the right prospective when I would head off down the road that would have lead to disaster. So, how am I to know if what I'm doing is the right thing to do? 

She still is that guiding force in my life. Simply by being who she is, the love we share, and the life we are living. I know if I'm doing the right thing, by the way I feel as I care for her. In reality, life is so much simpler now. Up, take care of Sweetie for the day, get something that I want done (as long as it doesn't harm Sweetie.), and at the end the day, in bed asleep. She is still my ballast, because of my "Do no harm" rule. 

My do not harm rule sets my goal each and everyday. It is to spend the day, enjoying the moments of her recognizing me, and telling me love notes when she is in that zone of awareness. To see her smile, to keep her clean and dry, fed, and loved that day. To got to bed and wake up to do it all over again. 

Wednesday

It was a rough beginning. She didn't want to get out of bed. It took me a couple of tries before I wouldn't take no for an answer. Got her up, and into the bathroom, into the shower, and washed her up. Just a thought, now that she is getting into the shower when I get her up, could that be the reason she doesn't want to get up in the first place? 

I've started to regulate her CBD into 3 hour between doses. I do load her up first thing in the morning. One dose in the bathroom, then at breakfast, she gets a dose on her toast and in her cereal. Two dose at lunch, usually on her sandwich, and one in her applesauce. The next is at 3 in the afternoon, which carry us to dinner. 

Lately, she tuckers out around 3 and so, I make sure she has a dose before she takes a nap. For the past couple of days, she isn't as cooperative as in the past. I think it is just a slip sliding away, little by little she is going away. The extra sleep is also a sign of her going away. 

That's OK. For I know that Driver is still at the wheel, skillfully driving us to our destination. We'll get there when the time is right, and not a moment too soon or late. So, sit back, relax for we are on the Road to Dementia Town, more important is that we are Keeping our Shiny Side Up, as we go. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.     

Nodding off.

My Sweetie

The difference 24 hours can make. From stand offish to holding hands. Walking, strolling, and just sitting. 

I'm beginning to realize just how fragile she is. There isn't any telling her to put her big girl pants on, for she doesn't know the meaning of the words put together in that way. The longer we are on this trip, the more I miss my Sweetie. She is becoming like a hologram, something that I can see, but cannot put my hands on it. Not her body, for I can hold hands with her, hug her, and even kiss her. But what I'm holding, hugging, kissing is but a shell of what was. 

Tuesday

It was time to get her up, and I'd been watching her on the Nanny Cam. She was out from under the covers, and when I went to get her up. She couldn't move. She hurt if she did. So with as much care as I could, I got her up. She cried, but help as much as she could. She was quite unsteady and took some time for her to be able to walk. 

In the bathroom, got her pants off, and her pull ups were dry. That is the first time in a long time that she has woken up dry. As I had said, I got her into the shower and proceeded to wash her bottom. She had dried matter on her butt, and when I washed her front, it too was dirty. She seemed more relaxed this time than the last. Will shower her again today. 

I decided that I would keep her awake as much as I could today, so she would get a good night sleep. 

So, it was off to the course, Sweetie in hand. Then home for lunch. We had grilled ham and cheese sandwiches. She did pretty good, and I was happy. She still has a good appetite. When we were finished, she started to nod off. So, I put her down for a nap. When she got up, we headed out for to do our mall crawl. Upon arrival, she was nodding off again, in the car and that isn't normal for her. She seemed so tuckered out that I thought better of doing the mall crawl. 

Back home, back to bed, and I prepared our dinner. After dinner, we got comfortable on the couch, and that is where the rewards of the day are, sitting, watching, and holding hands. 

It never fails that Driver will find a smooth road to roll on after the twisty one the day before. Sure there were some turns and bumps along the way, but isn't that life. I believe He is preparing me for the rougher roads ahead. As we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless. 

 

 

My Sherlock Holms bit of reviewing.

 At home.

With each day, a new day begins, and with it comes the smiles, the frowns, the laughs and the wants to cry. That just about handles the emotional wringer that I go through everyday. 

It isn't Sweetie's fault that we are traveling this path and I know it. There are times each and everyday that I feel so sorry for her. Knowing that she will never get better, that we are in the waiting room, waiting for that day when Jesus will make a house call, and it will come to its conclusion that in inevitable.

Monday

I'd been watching Sweetie with the nanny cam, and I saw that she was up, and I quickly went to greet her. Mornings are the best for us. Most of the time she is disorientated enough to get her peaceably into the bathroom to start our day. 

Monday was another shower morning, and it was easier this morning than before. I'm considering to do this every morning from now on. I'll have to switch some of the other things that we do as she sits on the potty, but in my opinion, a clean bottom supersedes all the other stuff. It just may turn into an easier way for me to wash her hair more often. 

Sweetie was real sleepy this morning. She fell asleep watching TV and I prepared our breakfast, and then on the chair after breakfast while I was cleaning up. I was a bit worried about her. 

She went back to bed and asleep right after breakfast. And when I was ready to leave to play golf, she was still asleep. My thinking was, I've got the nanny cams, and the house is secure, let test that she will be OK while I'm gone. 

I checked in on her about once every 10 to 15 minutes, and all seem well. When I got home she was up and happy to see me. Of course, she didn't know who I was, but happy was good. 

As the day went on, she was stand offish most of the day. Seemed to be uncomfortable with me. It was that way for the rest of the day. Even into the evening when we would cuddle on the couch, she didn't warm up to me, which is uncommon for her. 

It was when we went to bed, she didn't want to come to bed either. I knew she would be safe, so I turned off the lights, and went to bed. About 5 minutes later, she came in and got into bed with me, still staying away from me. 

I can only conclude that Sweetie was mad at me for leaving her alone. She couldn't tell me, or explain it, but doing my Sherlock Holms bit of reviewing, that is the logical conclusion. We'll see if there is any memory hangover today and how it will affect her. 

Looks like that little excursion onto a new road didn't work as well as Driver and me thought it would. That is one of the best things about Driver, He is will to let me try new roads every now and then. For He always knows the best way to get back on the good roads, as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, with all its variation, we still know how to Keep our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.      

Rollercoaster day.

Queen of my heart.

There are times when I sit down and talk about my day with Sweetie, I struggle with looking at pictures of her that I have take over the years. 

As we have traveled down this road, I can see different groupings. Like this one here. It was a time when we would go to a certain Burger King, get breakfast, and watch the balloons float by. 

Sweetie just loved to watch the balloons, she would just get tickled. We can sit in our back yard and watch them there too. They will fly by, and if we are in the house, there is a sudden darkness, then light again. The balloon's shadow had move across our house. They, sometimes, would be close enough we could yell greetings, and then they would float away. Hurried on the by the breeze. 

Sunday

I had prepared myself for Sunday morning. From the night before, Sweetie bottom was busy most of the evening as the M of M was at work. I had to take off her overnight pad, because she had soiled it, so I knew what was waiting for me when I got her up. I wasn't disappointed. 

For the second morning, she went into the shower. Once that is over, she needs time to recover, and that is what she did. Back to bed, and rest. These seems to be the new pattern for her. Her new normal, (your going to be seeing this more and more.). She may fight and struggle, but at this time the benefits out weight the struggle. 

I'm hesitant to say this, but so far, we haven't had to deal with UTIs. I've learned more about Sweetie's plumbing in the past 3 years. How we have gone from her doing it solo, to me cleaning her up. Knowing that UTI's are common, I just am thankful we haven't had to deal with them. Knock on wood. 

It was a bit of a rollercoaster day. Driver would say, it was "over the river and through the woods" kinda day. He must of knew just where to end the drive yesterday. For the end was the perfect. We stopped at the Inn of Cuddling, where the couch was welcoming, and the day ended well. Just another day of letting my Driver take the wheel. As we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.     

Little did we know.

Just 5 years ago. 

Just noticed the date of the picture. Just 5 years ago and what a difference. Her dementia was at the beginning. She was still Sweetie. Still able to function and be by herself. I wasn't accepted back into the family at this time, and it was our grandson's graduation from JROTC. She was radiant as she prepared to be with him on this, his special day. So, she went for us. I was there in spirit. 

Living with Dementia isn't like the movies, or trying to use the advice of those who are on YouTube or Facebook. Life is dynamic, never static. I glean what I can from those resources, but it is the self learned nuggets that make the difference. This is our life and it is as normal as it will be, for this is, as Sweetie would say, are new normal, and it is new everyday. We were both independent and could manage our lives separate and together. Little did we know what was ahead waiting for us. 

Saturday

It was an up and down day for the both of us. More so for me and taking care of her. Sweetie has been constipated for the past couple of days, and in my efforts to relieve her constipation, has lead us down a path that isn't a fun on to be on. 

Have you ever noticed that not so good times seem to have a habit of piling on each other? For me, it has been the Nanny Cams that I've set up to watch Sweetie when we are not together. Mainly in the morning when I 'm up and doing my morning prayer and meditation time. For whatever reason, they are switching off and then I have to reset them again and again. Finally on the phone with help, and after using a different program, the conclusion is, I'm getting new cameras. 

Then, Sweetie was acting difficult all day long. I'd given her some Milk of Magnesium to help with her constipation. Things were good most of the day. Did most of the things that we do on Saturdays, It wasn't until the evening, when she started walking, sit, get up, walk again, back to bed, and over and over the pattern went. Time to do something. 

She had soiled herself, and it was clean up time. Changed her, and she seemed find for a short time. Then the behavior began again. This time it was the Milk of Magnesium at work. 

A struggle to get her out of her pullups, into the shower for a quick rinse down, and clean pullups. After about an half hour, she slowly unwound and was able to relax, and eventually went back to bed. 

I'm expecting to find a very dirty Sweetie this morning when I get her up. So, with a smile, and a gentle guiding hand, we will start the day in the shower. When I told the doctor about her constipation, he recommended something other than M of M. So, I'll put up with what I have until it is time to replace it. 

Driver is showing me that while we are on this road, there are going to be twist and turns everyday. Not one day will be like the day before and the days ahead. So, He turns on the radio, to find songs that will calm the soul, raise the heart, for it is all in a days ride. As we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, and as always, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless. 

Level of frustration that frustrates me.

Sweetie loved to touch God's beauty.

Frustration seems to be part of living with Dementia. Because that is the way I feel sometimes. Wanting something that I know will not be, caring for someone that doesn't know they need caring for, talking with them, and knowing that they may understand 50% of what you say, can only cause rise to that level of frustration that frustrates me. 

Yesterday, I talked about the Butt Battle, which I figure most of us caregivers understand. A sore bottom will cause her to act out, and for me, not knowing what is the cause of her uncomfortableness and because she cannot express herself, "My Butt hurts and itches." I have to play Sherlock Holms to figure it out and resolve the problems.  

Friday

We started Friday in the shower. Which as we know is getting harder and harder for her. Plus the water temp and pressure has to be just right for her to even suffer through the ordeal. This time, it was worth the struggle.

I was able to get her clean, and fresh. She did not co-operate until she knew that no matter how much she fought, she couldn't win. I feel bad, and yet good to know I can get her to do what is needed to be done. The warm water and soap on her genitals at first wasn't welcomed, then again she slowly relaxes and allows the cleaning to continue. 

Once we were out of the shower, she had to go back to bed. She spent so much energy resisting me, she had to recover. It took her about an hour before she felt good again. Once her bottom stopped hurting, and she could relax, we had a wonderful day. She was her old self again. 

Thank you Driver for that time of struggle and reward. There were storm clouds on the horizon, then they blew away. Driver was able to find the smooth section of the Road to Dementia Town to travel on yesterday. So, I await to see what road conditions are today, as we travel Down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.  

Butt battle.

On the water.

Ever have one of those days, that no matter what you did to fix a certain situation, tried and trusted things, and they just didn't work? 

I was tested yesterday, and I would have to say that there was a time that I felt I'd failed. 

Thursday

It wasn't a good day, or pretty day. Even though there were good parts in it. Sweetie was a grump, a mama bear that had her cubs taken away. She made Grumpy look like a fun-loving dwarf. 

She didn't want to go anywhere, made many trips to the front door, then back to her den. I thought she wanted to go for a ride, and no sooner did I put her seat belt on her, she took it off, and I wasn't going to take her out without her belt on. So, that didn't work. We went for a walk around the block, and on the way back, she almost fell, out of energy, but once back into the house, it started all over again. 

She fought me at everything. Towards the end of the day, I was able to get her on the potty and clean her butt. I think that that was the problem all day. A dirty butt. For after the butt battle was over, she began to calm down, to the point that we ended the evening in our special cuddling way.  

Driver knows that sometimes a bad day on the Road to Dementia Town, will mean better times ahead. For that is the way we are traveling, down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless. 

Bit of a surprise.

Her favorite place.

I see these pictures and I yearn to take her there one more time. At the same time, it is my desire to do that thing, knowing that it would be for me alone. At the same time, she won't know why we are going and why we are there. For all I know it will just confuse her, and that might be more than what I bargained for. 

Its not the car ride, for I think she would enjoy that part of the trip. It would be the staying in a motel room and the chance that she would get out and wonder while I was sleeping. Not at good scenario, if you know what I mean. 

Keep with the same routine that she is used to. Her capabilities to change are less and less. For the fog of Dementia is thickening. It is easier, safer, and better for the both of us. 

Wednesday

Had a bit of a surprise to start with. She was up and headed towards the living room when I found her. So, back into the bathroom for our morning cleanup. Then out for breakfast. 

When she gets up early, it can throw the day out of kilter with the extra time. I have us on a schedule, and when we have extra up time, I don't know how we will finish. 

Turns out, my new golf friend had gotten us a start time, and so we were ready to get out and go. It was fortuitous, for I ran into another friend waiting his turn to tee off. He was with other gentleman, so we made a foursome and it was a good round. 

I'm beginning to realize that Sweetie needs her Hemp Oil between lunch and dinner. As we settled in, she got restless, and started walking, testing the doors. When I would get up with her, she got testy. Even after we had dinner, with her dose in her food, she was still not herself. When I tried to talk to her, she would push me out of the way, wouldn't take anymore Hemp Oil, and didn't want me to touch her. 

At that point, the only thing for me to do is rub some Stress Relief lotion on the back of her neck. I have to hold her hands down, because she will fight me all the way. Then, I wait until she calms down, a dose of oil, and out for the night. 

We had a rough bit of road at the end of the day. But Driver brought us threw it. He knows where to go, how to get there, and when to rest. He is a great teacher, and as long as I remember His patience with me, I can extend that patience to Sweetie. For we still have another day on the Road to Dementia Town, as we travel with our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.     

Does a fish know?

Sweetie @ Knott's Berry Farm '17

Feeling a little empty this morning. The evaluation is what I thought it would be. Not yet. Sweetie is on the edge of Hospice, but just not there. Scheduled a follow up in June. To tell the truth, I don't think she will be ready then either. Sweetie just has too much life left in her to move her into the end of life phrase.

It is a good and bad thing. For I am looking forward to the time when this trip comes to an end, and it might as well be a wishful thinking that we are closer to that end, then we were yesterday. 

In my support group, it is said that the yearning for the caring to end is normal. It is part of this journey. Not wanting Sweetie to suffer anymore than she has to, and again, she doesn't know she is suffering, I do. It is like asking the question, Does a fish know it is swimming in water? Or is it us that are out of the water that know that? 

Sweetie is living day by day. I get her up, clean her up, feed her, and care for her during the day. To her, that is living, and that is where I have to find my joy. 

Tuesday

It was a day full of surprises. Knowing that we had the hospice doctor coming over after lunch, I turned the day around. We went to the mall first. I knew that we had time for that, and wanted her to get her daily exercise in. Then home.

While home, she wanted to go for a walk, and because she had only a t-shirt on, she got cold and wanted to go back home. 

When the doctor arrived, Sweetie sat close to me, and listen. When it came time for the doctor to examine her, she could only do about half of the things he wanted her to do. 

With the exam done, and alone again, we settled into doing our routine. Sweetie is starting to go to bed earlier these days. The good thing is, she doesn't need me to go to bed with her. The bad news, I'm staying up longer than I should. If I'm not careful, I won't get enough sleep, and I can get cranky, and that isn't good. 

I'll leave it up to Driver to know when to pull the car off the Road to Dementia Town, to find the right time to sleep, to get that good nights rest. For we still have a long ways to go. Keeping our Shiny Side Up is the motto of the day. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.  

 

Gold star on the calendar.

Hawaii bound 2017

"Memories so thick you could swat them away with your hand." Line from the movie, "Field of Dreams." When I'm alone, in my office, in the dark of morning, I cannot help but live in those memories. 

As the time goes by, the good memories seem to grow and grow. Blossom bloom and the sweet fragrance of their flower fill my head and heart. I can also remember the bad times and that is a good background to make the good times better, the bitter times sweeter, and the life with Sweetie, a marvel to behold. 

We have a doctor coming over this afternoon to examine Sweetie. To see if she is ready to go on hospice. I don't know if that will change anything, I do know that I will have more support and that is always a good thing. Any help is better than none. 

Monday

It was a beautiful day. I implemented my new wake up itinerary. Get Sweetie up, bathroom duties, and then let her go back to bed, clean and dry. I then go and prepare our breakfast. 

After breakfast, Sweetie could watch TV from her place at the table, and she was watching a documentary on whales. I just left her there, knowing she would be fine, and cleaned up the breakfast dishes. 

Off to the golf course, a OK round, met an old vet like myself. His wife was with him, she didn't play so it was a unique 4 some. We made a good match, about the same playing skill and level, which is always good. I got the impression that he wanted to play more after we were done, but I could tell that Sweetie was ready to go home. 

We did our normal routine, lunch, mall crawl, and home. Sweetie was tired, and napped for awhile. She was up and down from that point on. Dinner, TV, and to bed. Day done, gold star on the calendar. 

Yes, it was a good day on the Road to Dementia Town. A good stretch of smooth road, with a little rough spots, and few cracks, but over all, a good day, and with a wink and a nod, Driver let me know, He too thought it a good day. For all the while, as we went, we're Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.     

 

A joyous/sad time.

Her home away from home.

When I see these pictures of her and the ocean, I too want to make another journey back to the beach. I'm sure she could make the trip, but for what purpose? For me it would be a joyous/sad time. 

Would she feel lost? Would she understand where she is? And in the long run, would she remember? In my estimation, it wouldn't be worth it at all. It just might be a disaster and away from home, how would I handle it. 

Of course her taking CBD would smooth out most of the highs and lows of the trip. Again, with the pandemic, and restriction on traveling right now, would it be a good time to travel? These and many other questions bounce in my head and the need to get away from her builds inside of me. Then again, it is like having a motorhome, where you pack up all that is around you and take it with you. 

I'm looking at putting Sweetie in for a respite stay in a facility so I can get some time to myself for a week or two. For I am getting itchy too.  

Sunday

I'm having problems with the Nanny Cam, and will have to spend some troubleshooting time with the support team to resolve the problems. 

Sweetie is sleeping more, and depending on how you look at it, it is either a good/bad thing. Knowing that there is the possibly of her turning the time table around so that she is awake all night and sleeps all day long isn't a good thing for me. So, now my job, for my sanity, is to make sure she is up for the daylight hours. 

That is difficult for her. She doesn't want to get up, and I know if I let her stay in bed, she will leak through her pullups. So, as of now, I talk her into getting up, going potty, changing her, and letting her go back to sleep. Usually, for about 30 minutes. One of the ways to get her going is to tell her a meal is ready for her. Her hunger will get her up, and once up, I keep her up. 

I've learned how to let her know we are going out, and to phrase it in such a way that she will want to go with me. To get her up and moving is good for both of us. 

I'm going to go over our travel plans with my Driver. I noticed that there are some forks in the road coming up, and if He will, confide in me the path ahead. Knowing Him, we'll take the right road. Sometimes it doesn't feel right to me, so I trust Him for the days ride will end at the right place. As we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.

Lonely, but not alone.

My travel buddy

Lonely, yet not alone. Sorrow that melts into your bones. Sadness that leaches the life right out of you. That is how these times feel like. Even with the familiar spark of life, of love, and closeness, it still is overwhelming.

There is a line in a song, that goes something like this: "You don't  know what you got until it is gone." Well, to say that line isn't true, because it is with Dementia, for the "what you got," is going, and I know that it is gone. 

Just looking at the pictures that I use, to see who Sweetie was just 2 years, 3 years ago, to who she is today. She is a hollow shell of that woman, and I know that more and more of who she is, is going to be sucked out of her and I'm going to be witness to all of it. 

Saturday

It was a day of freedom. My caregiver reported in and gave me sometime off. Got to the course, teamed up with three other men, and played golf. Had a good round, some great shots, and was able to forget the fog of Dementia for a time. 

When I returned home, I talked with my lady, and asked her to send me a report on Sweetie after the time she spends with her. Highlighting her progress as her Dementia advances. I felt that because she sees Sweetie once every two weeks, that she can better catalog her advancements. For me, it is living with it, and I don't see something happening until it has happened, and then it is Oh yea, she does or doesn't do this or that. 

I remember in a support group meeting, one of the members said that he wished his wife would hurry up and die. She was in hospice, and would rock back and forth from, last breath to sitting up and eating like a horse. He was tired of waiting, of the heart breaking effects of this disease, he wanted relief for both him and his wife. Sometimes, I feel that I'm getting into that some boat. Knowing what is ahead, and the long road ahead until that day comes. 

So, I wait, I watch, I care for her, everyday. As I ride with her and my Driver, down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.  

Reasonable happy.

Me and Sweetie.

One of Sweetie's pet name for me was "Handsome Bruit." When we watch the movie "Beauty and the Beast", the love story of a woman of great love, and a man that thought himself too ugly to know love, I can cry when I apply it to Sweetie and her Handsome Bruit. She showed me love, and that grew into being the love of my life. 

In my morning prayer and meditation time. I write down prayers from the AA program. I have one line in one of those prayers that has given me so much understanding and strength to make the days go by. It is "That I maybe reasonably happy in this life." 

Reasonably happy, have you ever tied those two words together? Never thinking of happy as a condition to hold on to, and the varying degrees of happiness, puts my head and heart into agreement as to live life on a mellow plane. 

Reasonably happy allows for disappointments, low times, and at the same time, helps cap the extreme times of both low and high life points. I can find reasonably happy in all the events of my life as I share them with Sweetie and those around us. Emotions are fleeting, and the ones that endure are the ones that fill ones days. My goal is to find that reasonably happy zone and stay in it, for Sweetie's love is in the center of my reasonably happy heart. 

Friday

Friday was the same old kinda of a day. A routine kind of a day. Was able to get in a round of golf. The day was breezy so I bundled Sweetie up warmly and away we went. I had a couple of high points, got a birdy on #8, I also hit my longest drive on that hole, 255yds. To finish off the game with a par on the 9th. For. The 7th through 9 are the three toughest holes on the course, so, if your a golfer, you can understand my joy. 

It was just a "reasonably happy" day for the two of us. Good times were the order of the day. 

That is the way Driver had planned it. A good day on the Road to Dementia Town, as we traveled Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless. 

 

Pilgrimages.

Sweetie, granddaughters & pier.

She is such a water, beach, ocean gal. She just couldn't get enough of the beach, being at the edge of the continent. If she could, she would have been a mermaid living in the water. I'm so grateful that we were able to make those pilgrimages to the beach while she could still remember where she was and the special times they were. 

I've been thinking about running off to Hawaii after Sweetie is called home. One last time, and just spend the time exploring the island. Doing my best to soak myself in her memories. 

Thursday

I had been watching Sweetie all morning via the Nanny Cam. She was restless, struggling to get to sleep. When it was clear that she couldn't, or wouldn't go back to sleep, I went in to get her. 

All her prune juice had worked. She was a mess. So, it was shower time. In the shower for a cleaning, washing of the hair, and cleaning of the rest of her. Her skin is getting so sensitive, it is forever getting harder to wash her. Everything hurts, or is either too hot or cold. I do my best to comfort her when I'm washing her privates, tell her that it is OK for me to touch, to clean, to wash her, that I'm her husband, and the gentle tones of my voice help her to allow me to clean that very important part of her body. 

After we got out, dried off and put some pullups on her, she crawled back into bed, and was out for a couple of hours. 

Tried to play some golf, but the afternoon winds were blowing, and that blew that round out of the question. So we went to the mall for our crawl around. 

Sweetie just never calmed down most of the day, she seemed on edge most of the time. To the point that she went to bed by herself and as I watched, she tossed and turned, up and down. Moved from one side of the bed to the other. I did go in and give her a night time dose of CBD, and soon after that she went to sleep. 

I chose to sleep upstairs, hoping that she would get a good night sleep.

Looks like we found a little bumpy bit of road yesterday. Just a reminder that Dementia is a sneaky foe. Driver does His best of keep us on the best part of the lane we are in. He knows that we may not understand why the Road to Dementia Town changes so quickly, so we just trust Driver to get us to the end of the day. That is what He does, as we go with our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless. 

 

Routine, mundane and boring.

Still holding hands. 

These are the time which memories are made of. It seems that we are in a good place right now. Sweetie is getting tied to my presence, and that is a good thing. As long as she is comfortable with me, and wants the security and peace of mind I bring her, then what else is there?

Wednesday

As we settle into a routine that seems too good to be true, I'll take it. 

Sweetie is up earlier, I know now because I watch her on the Nanny Cam. It is interesting watching her, laying in bed, trying to sleep, fidgeting, and resting. I know she isn't resting, she is restless. I wonder if she misses me? 

We had our normal day of meals, outside activity, and TV. 

Called my new friend and he joined us for a round of golf. He is getting ready to move into a retirement community and took time off from his getting things packed to come out and play. I think his world is in an uproar with the move, so I'll let him tell me when he is ready to play again. 

Routine, mundane and boring don't sound like positives yet they are. This is the lifestyle that is best for Sweetie and me. It is best not to change our way of living now. She cannot easily adapt to sudden changes. They scare her. 

Gone are the days of throwing a change of clothes in a bag, gassing up the cars and take off to someplace for whatever. We used to drive up to Taos for lunch. As for now, maybe we could, but Sweetie doesn't do good in restaurants or walking around. 

I'm going to look into going to the museum of natural history and see how she does. The weather is cooling off, so a trip to the zoo isn't a good idea. Maybe next week. 

So, we sit, and watch the scenery go by. Sweetie checks out the jets flying over head leaving their contrails in the sky. Driver, Sweetie and me, down the Road to Dementia Town we go, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.     

 

Irises.

Sweetie's Irises. 

To tell the truth, Irises are one of my favorite flower. My favorite are Daffodils. Which, I believe are part of the same family grouping. Part of the first to spring up in the spring, and only have a very short life span. For whatever the reason, I could never get the Daffodils to grow in our yard. I might try next year. 

We've had a terrible time with bark beetles infestation. There are so many trees that are either dead or have been ravished by them. This year, I've begun a project of cutting off the dead limbs of those trees that have survived. 

I feel like it is part of my rehabilitation, preparation of my being alone later in life. It maybe tough to do, and even ugly at first, but eventually, the new growth will fill in the gaps and be beautiful again. 

Tuesday

Sweetie did one of her up early, so, I went to her, thank you Nanny Cam, and got her cleaned up. Then put her back to bed again. This is a new behavior taking place, and I wonder if it part of the new stage of Dementia she is moving into. 

Took lunch over to the kid's house. Got tired of pizza, so I went to Rudy's BBQ, and got a lunch for the herd. The last couple of times I did this, there seemed never to be enough. They are all meat eaters, and so, I over ordered Brisket, and Ribs. Finally, there was leftovers. I leave what is leftover with them. 

DIL, told me that they have attempted to encourage the oldest daughter to try and spend sometime with her mother. She says she can't, it is too hard on her. If you ever watched Winnie the Poo, and the character, Piglet, is a good characterization of her personality. I appreciate their effort, but I doubt if any good will come of it. 

You know, when you grow and observe, I know, and so do they, that nothing will come of it. If nothing else, the oldest might feel important because she was encouraged, so therefore important, but not enough to step up and help. 

Just an idea, I could attempt to get her to come over when I have my caregiver here. She wouldn't be alone, and just might learn how to take care of her and ease her fear. 

"Good Idea." That is what my Driver's answer is, and can you figure out who gave it to me? Who else, but the originator of all ideas. Give it a try. He is the one that comes up with the idea, so, I'll give it a try. After all, what else is there to do, as we drive down the Road to Dementia Town, looking for ways to Keep Our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless. 

Rest areas on the Road to Dementia Town.

Sweetie's flower garden. 

Here we have the trio of flowers that were at one time or another in our bouquet, two types of Irises, and her Rose bush. Where the Irises are, there used to be two Rose bushes. Sweetie had some great ideas on what our back yard was to be like, the difficulty was her understanding of how much each plant needs for sunlight wasn't taken into account. 

She would plant plants that needed sun all day in places where they got only parcel sun, and visa versa. In the long run, we'd get one or two season of growth before the inevitable death, or non blooming would happen. I learned long ago, not to challenge her thought process and planting plans. I couldn't change her mind, so I learned to let nature take its course. 

Sometimes there were success. One year, she planted posies in a round pot, and they grew up and up to make a cone of posies. It was a beautiful success. 

Coming from California, and basically sea level, to New Mexico, and living in a city that is over 7,000 feet in altitude, was a hard shift to make, especially when it comes to planting and growing a garden. What grew at sea level didn't always grow in a mile high altitude.

Monday 

Not much to say about Monday, it was a good day. From start to finish. Upon checking the weather, and seeing that it seemed to be a good day for golf, made plans to get out of the house and on to the links. 

Made a new friend on the golf course. He had lost his wife over a year ago, and then had some health issues and was just getting back out into life. We hit it off well. He told me about his wife, and her poor health and having to care for her before she passed. Then I shared with him about Sweetie and with that in common, we understood each other's plight. He never thought of being alone, so he never planned on being alone.  I think we will be good for each other. 

Driver has the smile that says, "See, there is life outside of this car." When we pull into these rest areas on the Road to Dementia Town, we will never know what or who awaits us there. As we travel with Our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.     

 

Where will we go today?

Sweetie always loved flowers.

We no longer have these Irises growing in our back yard. We still have the plants, but because of growth of other plants, they do not get the sunshine to bloom. Which is sorta the symbol of our life today. 

For years we had roses, lilac, lily's, and irises every spring. It seems as the years have progressed the plants no longer bloom. Could it be that because I don't have the time to spend cultivating them they have lost the energy to bloom. 

Even our long stem rose has died. I've thought of replacing it, but it won't be the same. When we would get the biggest blooms from her, and she would produce them for us all summer long, I would cut them and make a bouquet for Sweetie in the morning and surprise her when she would get up. I've always been an early raiser, and would get much of my needed work done while she would sleep in. 

This habit has served me well, especially now when I need more "me" time. I'm able to spend time by myself, centering me and getting my day going, alone, without distraction, and now with the nanny cam, without worry about what Sweetie is up to. 

Sunday 

It was a day that the cam paid for itself. For I was watching her, and she was restless and stirring in bed, when I decided to see what was going on. She was wet, and uncomfortable. Got her up, cleaned and changed, changed her wet sheet, and put her back to bed. She slept for a solid 3 hours. Sound sleep, and a little scary. I would go in and check on her, would have to study her until I could detect her breathing. A little breathing movement, and she is pink, makes for another day of life. 

If days could be considered cookie cutter days. Then yesterday was on of them. 

I picked up some dried figs the other day. They are good, but tough. So, I boiled a couple of them, to see if I could hydrate them. I could. So, I chopped one up, and we had oatmeal for breakfast with figs to start our day. We'll see what happens. 

Not much to talk about yesterday's activities. Mainly the same pearl activities. We did get out and took a good walk in the neighborhood as the highlight of the day. 

Spent most of the day in front of the TV, where Sweetie was most content to be. I dug into our treasure trove of DVD's for some oldies but goodie movies. I have found the animated movies are best for Sweetie. They don't get her too excited or afraid so she still can enjoys them.  

I know Driver will soon show up and ready to hit the Road to Dementia Town. Where we will go today, and where we end up is yet to be seen. For you see, we have only one destination and not time table in which to get there. For some days the road will be rough, filled with pot holes and ruts. Then the road might be smooth, like freshly laid asphalt. We will only know, at the end of each day. So we smile and wave to those who are traveling with us. Down the Road to Dementia Town we go, and as always, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.   

A no-no with Dementia.

Pretty and prickly too. 

Spring, the time of renewal. The time when life returns to the bloom again. To bring that which was seemingly dead, back to life. Even the cactus has it season of beauty. 

As I live with Dementia, life will not have another spring until it is gone. And it will be gone when Sweetie is no more. Then, my spring will be those memories of her when she was young, beautiful and full of life. I'll be free to go where we went, and let her memory flow over me, through me, and fill me with joy. 

I cannot live there yet. Life is on a daily bases, not a future dream, or nightmare if you like.

Saturday

Thank you for all your suggestions as to what and when to give to Sweetie for her constipation. It opens up more choices for us. 

It seems that our neckless made of the Pearls of Joy keeps growing as the days go by. For yesterday was again, a pearl day.

Because of my nanny cam, was able to see her get up earlier then normal, and was ready for her. What a difference in my attitude towards her when I can see her coming, and not suddenly see her walk past my door. Those few moments meant a lot to me. 

Breakfast, TV, then to the mall, than home, lunch, and out to the back for some yard work. Using the blower was a big concern. Loud noises are a no-no with Dementia. No matter how much I tried to explain to Sweetie that I was going to use a tool that made loud noises, she just could not understand. So, when she went back into the house after I started, was fine with me. She came out a couple of times, but quickly retreated back into the house. 

I got most of what I wanted done, and rejoined her the house. We finished the day in what is become a normal routine, sitting on the couch, watching TV and cuddling.  

Just how long this stretch of smooth travel will last. So far, Driver hasn't said much, just smiles as if to say, "Enjoy." So, with me and Sweetie sitting in the back seat, enjoying the scenery going by, we can smile, as we Travel the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping Our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless. 

Dementia doesn't run on a time table.

Sweetie always loved flowers. 

Is life getting better? Is life the same? Or what? I believe, better, same or what, it is what you make of it. Heard the old saying, when life gives you a lemon, you make lemonade. I don't know about you, but lemon moraine pie is better. 

Friday

I purchased a pair of cameras, one in the bedroom and one in the living room, so I can watch Sweetie, at night, and if I go out for short trips and keep an eye on her. I'd rather take her with me, and will always make that effort. When the time comes that it is easier to leave her home, I don't want to be totally blind to what is going on. Right now, I'm watching her sleep as I'm writing this post. Sometimes, I feel that I'm spying on her, and at the same time, a bit of comfort. 

It was a good day. No movement, but still on the good side of her emotions. We went up to the mall, and did our mall crawl after lunch. Then on a drive. 

We drove out to Cuba, and then there was a road that I wanted to take back. It went from Cuba to Grants. What I didn't remember is that it is 125 miles to Grants. I decided to do it anyway. Sweetie was in a good mood, and why not. It was a long and lonely road with bumps, dips, and rough spots. We made it through, and I thought it would of been a fun road if we were in Tweety. I think I'll save that drive for a solo trip. 

A friend call, he is the one that got me going to the support group, and we had a talk. He, himself, is frail, and wanted to tell me that he has sold his home to one of their children and is moving in with other. His wife is in a facility, and he just now is able to see her. She doesn't know who he is, and I told him that Sweetie is the same with me. He just wanted to keep in touch, which I'll make a point to do with him. 

His phone call brought a stark reality to bear. I keep thinking that Sweetie may have about a year of life left. Then I think of John and his wife, on how long she has stayed alive, and from the looks of it, she may survive her husband. 

Dementia doesn't run on a time table. Doesn't know that the parasite is killing the host and with that in mind, I need to change my thinking. From a calendar to God's Grace. I can want and have wishful thinking. What I can't do is  control the future. What I can do and have the power to do is live one day at a time, for only the Lord knows the number of days one has. 

Today is just another day, riding in the car with my Driver at the wheel. Either going straight on the smooth highway or taking the cross back roads, either way, we are on the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.