Bring a tear to my eye.

At the Grand Canyon

Ever wonder if there was something that "if I'd did" this, that or the other thing, that we would not be where we are now today? Was Sweetie destined to have Dementia and there wasn't anything we could of done to prevented it. I could beat myself up over and over again about some of the bad times we had, and think that they were part of the reason she is the way she is now. 

To me, some people get all the good stuff, and some people get not so good stuff. Like my Sweetie, she was so smart, witty, cleaver, and maybe just used it all up in living with me. Now that she is used up, it is my turn to take care of her. There are times that she will find a small pool of that wittiness and will say something out of the blue that will surprise me and make me have a belly laugh, or express her love for me, that will bring a tear to my eye. I know her sponge of life isn't completely dried out, for those moments, that spark, those Easter Egg continues to show up. 

The daycare supervisor came over and dropped off a Halloween goodie bag for Sweetie. We were discussing how much longer the senior center would be closed. She said she had heard 2 or 3 years before they open back up. I have worries about getting respite care for Sweetie next year. I do have some travel plans and I can't see me taking Sweetie with me. Then again, Lord willing, there will be a way. 

We had a real good day yesterday. Sweetie had a good breakfast, lunch and dinner. Each evening is a learning experience. If I turn the lights on early, she is just content to sit with me, but if I don't and the room gets dark, she wants to go to bed. 

When we do dishes after each meal, and I'll wash and dry them. Then I give each dish to her and guide her to where they go. It is getting harder and harder for her to figure out where they go. We have two bowels for some meals, and she will put them in two different places, she cannot see that they are the same. As long as I know where they are, what difference does it make, she is helping and that is all that matters at this point in time. 

At time point in time, I wonder what my Driver has up His sleeve. Now that we have found a spot to rest at, is He now preparing a roller coaster ride? Or are we going to have a smooth road ahead for awhile? I never know. This I do know, I will not be in any danger with Him at the wheel, for He is the one that knows the road. The pot holes, the cracks, the swerves and dips. For He is my Driver, and if you follow us, we'll get to our destination safely. Leading the way of the caravan as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town. With all of us, Keeping our Shiny Sides Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.   

 

With gusto.

2 granddaughters, 1 Sweetie

Where else, another picture of the Huntington Beach Pier. It was one of Sweetie's favorite place to be. We moved inland to New Mexico back in '95. When we did, we didn't know just how much the beach, the ocean, and being on the edge of the continent meant to her, to us. 

Being raised around the ocean all her life had more hold on her than either one of us knew. I've known people that like the ocean, liked playing in the ocean, being by the ocean, none like Sweetie. The Ocean was and is part of who she is. She not only lives with the Ocean, but I believe that the Ocean lives in her. 

We're getting better with the CBD. Because dementia doesn't jump out and tell us what is going on, I now have an regimentation for her. Usually, now, when we go downstairs for breakfast, I incorporate a half a dropper first thing. Before we do anything. It gives the Oil a chance to start its magic. 

I told you about the Hawaii album yesterday, well we sat on the couch and did it again, and have plans to get a different album out and sit with her and go through it. I don't know what is going through her mind when we do this, all I know is she is enjoying it. Pictures, not words, images that she can see us having fun with the family and having good times. Can she remember that it is her, me or the family? I don't know, all I know is she smiles. 

No golf yesterday, too much snow on the course. We're going to try to get in some golf today. The daycare people want to come over and bring Sweetie a Halloween goodie bag. I think it is their way of a "hidden inspection" of her environment, or it gives them a chance to connect with her. Maybe both. 

Dinner was a good meal for Sweetie. We had salmon, rice and peas. We haven't had salmon for a long time, and with the normal, "I don't know how to do it." she went after the fish with gusto. It was good to watch her eat a good meal, a fairly large meal at that. 

Yesterday was a good day, found some Easter Eggs along the way. I know that Driver had hidden them there before we arrived. With that twinkle in His eye, I know He has some more waiting for me. The hunt is on. So nice to look for good things and not worrying about that which I can do nothing about. As my Driver and I travel down the Road to Dementia Town. Leading those who travel with us as we go, all drive with our Shiny Sides Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.     

 

Sweet Memories.

Sweetie on the foothills 

I have a love for hiking, and was able to get Sweetie to come with me on a short walk in the foothills of the Sandia's. We tried a couple of times after this hike. They didn't end well, for she was beginning to loose her balance, and at one time fell. That ended the nature hikes. They were fun while they lasted. 

When we were younger, we would go on camping vacation. When it was just the two of us, we'd find places where we were fairly private and get natural. Sweetie loved to flash me in the wild. Such fun. Sweet memories. 

Yesterday, I found an photo album that she had put together. It was of our first trip to Hawaii and our son's wedding. We sat on the couch and went through it. I was telling her of the what they were, and she would look longingly at them. Whether she knew, or a spark of what they were, she would sometime brush her hand over one or two and try to say something about them. 

We have a multi framed picture of son and his family on the wall and Sweetie has the habit of walking over to it and just look. I'll come up behind her and tell her who is in each frame. She brightens and starts to talk excitedly. Not making any sense, but I know she is telling me a story about who these people are and what is going on. 

The golf course is snowed in, and there isn't much of anything to do, except watch TV. So, instead of watching we walked. I was thinking that because she won't remember, we went to the mall twice yesterday. Once in the mid morning and then after we had some lunch. I was right, she had no idea that we had been there that morning. 

So grateful that Driver has been on the job. He has found new places to stop and rest. Places that build strength and relieves stress. Today will be another day of filling the hours with activities. I know that my Driver will be there directing me, helping me fill the hours with memories. I'm ready, got my cool sunglasses on and out the door I go, slipping into the passenger's seat. Down the Road to Dementia Town and as we go, we all have our Shiny Sides Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.  

 

Step down into the darkness of Dementia.

Hi, my Sweetie.

It didn't snow liked the weather man predicted and the roads cleared quickly during the day. I kinda figured that would happen, that is the snow melt. We are just getting into fall, and the earth is still warm. Even though the air is below freezing, the ground is still radiating heat, and because of that most of the snow is now gone. It was fun while it lasted. 

Sweetie is having problems getting up. She is very weak and I have to hold her until she gets her legs under herself. When I wake her, she smiles and mumbles something, and I always smile back at her, and give her a morning greeting. I usually sit on the bed and talk with her for a short while. Then its up, change, and heading down stairs for breakfast. 

I think she feels lost when she first wakes up. I've gone to get her and found her just laying in bed, sometimes with her glasses on, which tells me she gets up and doesn't know where to go, so she crawls back into bed where it is warm and safe and stays there until I get her going. 

I'm trying another attempt to get her strength back by adding a glass of Ensure before breakfast, and pouring Ensure on her cereal, what do I have to loose? 

Because of her passing out last Saturday, from dehydration, I'm starting to add electrolytes to our water. Mixing Power Aid in our water bottles, adds a little flavor, and I'm sure it won't hurt both of us. The way I look at it, something is better than nothing, and she won't reject my efforts. 

Yesterday was a good day. We were out, and did our walking. I've found that if I keep telling her what a good job she is doing walking with me, she does better. She is a real trooper. It is outside when we head for the car that she doesn't recognize which car is ours. This is a new development for her, which is another step down into the darkness of Dementia. 

Our evening was a good one, she was up and smiling. I got a glimpse of her love for me again. When she smiled at me, her eyes, her love eyes came on, and my heart melted. 

I realized yesterday morning that I have led a blessed life. In the middle of the living room, in the predawn light, it struck me on how blessed I am. Driver's presence was heavy on me that morning. "I have plans for you", is what He was telling me, plans to bless you not harm you. Wow, what a message. It came at just the right time. Driver knows, He knows just what I need and when I need it. And that is why we travel together on the Road to Dementia Town, leading the way, with our Shiny Sides Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.   

 

Shout the praises of CBD.

It snowed and is still snowing. 

My post yesterday, was correct in what we were going to do, accept for the second trip to the mall, that didn't happen. It snowed all day, and as of this morning, it is still snowing. According to the weather reports, it is going to continue to snow most of the day. This is the earliest it has snowed here that I can remember. 

The time to shout the praises of CBD are now. For I was giving Sweetie a dose every 2/3 hours, and we got through the day without too much trouble. I did make a mistake by trying to watch a scary movie, and it was too much for her. Lesson learned. You would of thought I had learned that lesson before, and I had, it was just a refresher course. 

I don't know how much Sweetie understands what snow is. It used to be one of her favorite things to watch. Watching it fall, as the scenery would change, the snow would cover everything, turning everything into soft white mounds snow. She just loved it. Now, I'm sure she doesn't know or understand what is happening. 

We went to the mall earlier in the day, and it was lightly snowing . When we walked into the mall, she was complaining about all the stuff on her. I brushed it off, and told her what it was, again, not a sign of recognition of what snow is. It was the same when we got back into the car, stuff all over her, she almost panicked. I was able to calm her down, and give her another dose of CBD. 

Today, it looks like we are going to be snowed in, again. That is OK, for my Driver and I will work out the day, and with His guidance we will make it through. Rain or shine, snow or no snow, all things work for the good, as long as I listen and follow my Driver's lead. If it was better times, it would be snuggling on the couch, with a cup of hot cholate, but now it will be sitting on the couch, with a blanket, holding Sweetie's hand, as we pass the day away. With one eye on the TV, and the other eye on the clock, as to when to medicate Sweetie, we will get pass this day. For it is one day at a time, as we motor down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless.   

 

Reevaluate.

Grandson's boot camp graduation.

This picture of Sweetie's daughter and grandson. It was taken with Lake Michigan as a back drop. 

We had so much of a better day, yesterday. There is so much to tend to while caring for Sweetie. For much, it is everyday, and it is just part of life for us. Its the little things, like leaving something out of your bag when you travel, and get to your destination  to realized that you left it home. 

I'm substituting, or should I say, trying to find other things that work. For instance, I'm now giving her Ensure on her cereal, and sharing a glass with her. She has forgotten how to swallow pills, so I can't give her her vitamins anymore. I've noticed that at meal times, she chews and chews and it is hard for her to swallow. So, I'm incorporating softer foods in our meals. 

When I got her up, she was perkier than the day before. She had been up and gotten her glasses and for whatever the reason, she likes to sleep with her glasses on. I'm afraid that she will break them, or hurt herself by doing that. We've had some real knockdowns about her going to bed with them on. 

After we changed her pullups, dressed and went down stairs, the first order of the day was CBD and a dab of Stress Lotion on her wrist. Got the day off with getting and staying on the right foot. I'm trying a regimentation of a dose every 3 hours. If I go much longer than that, she will fight me as I give it to her. When that happens, I reevaluate the time schedule. 

Today is going to be a test for me and her. The temps have taken a nose dive and there is a chance of snow. So we won't be going to the golf course today. As a matter of fact, just going outside will be a challenge. I think I'm going to try to go to two different malls today. One in the morning, and the other in the afternoon. More for me, than Sweetie. She doesn't remember one from the other, I'd just like to break up the monotony. 

Monotony, boring, repetitious, same old thing, this is the way of living that I must learn to enjoy, for they fill the time between events. Driver tells me that they are in the valleys of life. That is where I can refresh, relax, and renew myself. The mountain tops are special and take a lot of energy to get there. For in the valley Driver can talk to me there, for there isn't very many distractions, so I can hear him more clearly. And that is where we are heading today, to the Valley of Refreshment, leading the caravan of followers, as we travel the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Sides Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.         

 

The crazy cage and Mr. Sundowner.

Us

It got scary yesterday. When I've thought I'd found the way to live with Dementia, to minimize the decline, the demanding, the Batshit crazies, it sneaks up on you and BAM, it attacks. 

As we live our days, semi-knowing what each day will bring. Knowing the memory loss and personality changes, I seem to drop my guard just a little and without knowing it, I've given Dementia and Mr. Sundowner their opening. Next thing I know, I'm in the corner of the ring and they are raining heavy blows to my head and heart. 

Yesterday, was shower day. Sweetie woke up and was somewhat weak. After getting her into the shower, dried off, and was dressing her, she started babbling about nothing, and when I turned around, she went down, hard and she passed out. I was able to get her up and back to bed where she stayed most of the day.  

This is where it gets dark. When she did get up, Mr. Sundowner was in full control. She wondered, she babbled, she stopped me from doing whatever I was doing. If I said left, she went right, it was the Crazies acting out. It wasn't until I got her to take some of her balance medicine, that she was able to crawl back out of the crazy cage and Mr. Sundowner was put back in. 

I don't think she was dehydrated, for her pullups were heavy, and yet, her behavior was that of dehydration. Looks like I'm going to adjust her diet, again. To keep Gatorade on hand, and mix it into her liquid intake. It was as if an new plateau has been reached, unexpectedly.

What did I learn from yesterday. First, not to put Sweetie in a shower without feeding her first. Second, start adding electrolytes into her diet, and give her her balance medicine first thing. Truly, CBD is her balance medicine. It keeps her mentally, physically and emotionally balanced. 

Driver is here to pick me up so that I can gain my balance back. I was knocked for a loop and He knows just what I need. He's got some soft inspirational music on the radio, and knows a straight, smooth road to take today. So I can relax, gather myself in His presence, and be set for a new day full of wonders and joys. We always enjoy the company in the caravan, as we navigate the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Sides Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.   

  

 

She weeps.

At Old Town. 

Sometimes when I post these pictures, I say to myself, "I miss you, Sweetheart.". Its true. For who I am carrying for isn't the wonderful lady in these pictures. She is gone and what is left is a hollowed out body, that is who she is now. 

This morning in my meditation time, I read scripture from Philippians, about humbling myself and think of other better then me. Isn't that what I'm doing now? By taking care of Sweetie as I do, I'm humbling myself and putting her first. Sure I do all the things that I should, because it is right and right is right no matter the circumstance or inconvenience. 

Just how more humbling is it to have to wash her backside because she doesn't know what her body is doing. To find her smeared and then to get her into the shower to clean her up. As a baby, it is easy to do that sort of thing, because they just don't know. Now, it is as if she is reverting to that same state of mind. Not knowing when her body does something. 

As you can imagine, we had another busy shower day. Then she also had a wondering around the house, an attempt to go outside, and finally to bed real early. To my surprise, she was still awake, waiting for me to come to bed so she could go to sleep. It is a comfort to me, that she leans so much on my presents for peace and safety. 

I wrote a note to her, its on our mirror in the bathroom, I'll see her looking at it, and then I'll read it to her.

 

I will take care of you

I will protect you

I will love you, no matter what.

As I read it, I will look at her and point to my heart, then to her heart, and put my arms around her, and she weeps. I'm so glad that I wrote that to her so many years ago. It is a message to me too, and a good reminder why I do what I do. 

Driver likes it when I see His influence on me. It is when I look through the review mirror and see that influence for myself. It can lift my sinking heart. For it has a burden that gets heavy now and then. That is when I yoke myself to His wisdom in the car. As we drive down the Road to Dementia Town, leading the caravan of cars with their Shiny Sides up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless. 

 

Double shower day.

Best Buds

Had a real good time with the son and his family yesterday. The only problem was that for whatever reason, the computer changed the location for where the pizzas were to be pick up. I don't know what happened, but does anyone know why a program will make that change. Anyway, it has reminded me to check all aspects of a site when I'm ordering anything. 

I  was pushed out of shape with the error, and it could of ruined my whole day, but I got over it. It was good to be with the son and his family. We have some very strong ties with each other, can discuss many things and we do.

We've been discussing end of life, and what my wishes are, especially if Sweetie survives me. What my wishes are, how to divide up the estate, the financials of caring for Sweetie. All that stuff. DIL is very impressed with me, for doing all this planning, for a large portion of the elderly population, are not prepared for end of life. Which brings me to something of a joking suggestion, that I'm thinking of doing. Getting a tattoo on my chest, putting a big DNR over my heart. 

Yesterday was a double shower day, again. Remember when I was worrying about her being constipated? Now, it is the other way. So far, we are not dealing with diarrhea, but at the same time, I know that is also one of the condition of Dementia. I'm still amazed that Sweetie doesn't let me know she is dirty, but she will complain when I'm washing her bottom. Go figure. 

Go figure, that is why I spend time with my Driver everyday. I'm just a man who is struggling through this part of my life. Through is the key to what is going on. For this too will pass. I hear that in my ears all the time, and "My grace is sufficient for you." For the more I depend of my Driver to get me from point A to point B, I have the strength and calmness to take care of Sweetie. For this is my job, to serve her, as Driver serves me. I can relax my hands and enjoy the ride, as Driver takes the wheel, as we lead the caravan, down the Road to Dementia Town. A line of cars, all with their Shiny Sides Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.      

 

I'm blessed too.

Most of the Clan Macneil

This was taken just over 5 years ago. I have a print of it in my office. There just seems to be an awkwardness with this blended family. Because of internal grudges, we struggle to get us all together at one time. If it wasn't for family, I'd have one less thing to complain about. Then again, we're family. 

We had a busy bowel day, yesterday, and I was wondering what could have caused that. Then again, I had forgotten that we had sweet potato for dinner last night. It seems that squash helps to move things along. If nothing else, Sweetie is cleaned out and that is a good thing. We had a double shower day because of it, and she is good and clean. 

My biggest fears is that she gets an UTI from all the activity she is experiencing. Washing her lower regions can get rather frustrating, as I have to keep reminding her, that it's OK for me to touch her there. Reminding her who I am, and that it is my job as her caregiver to wash her there. 

Like most days, we had a good day. That is from waking to sleeping, there were good times, not so much good times, but there weren't any real bad times. From golf, to the VA for a doctor's visit, walking the mall, to home and dinner and bed. I would rate yesterday as a good day. Sweetie ate well, which is the best thing for us. 

We're going for pizza to take over to the son's house today. It's his birthday soon, so we have a gift coupon from a disk golf shop he recommended. He's off this week, and will be starting his dream job on Monday. He is blessed. 

Driver just showed up and He's telling me that I'm blessed too. When I look at what is going on, I can see those blessings, those Easter Eggs, even in dirty pullups. Who would of thunk that an Easter Egg would be hidden in that? I just have to get me out of the way, and then I can see clearly as we head up the caravan, driving down the Road to Dementia Town. Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.  

 

Mr. Sundowners has come for a visit.

Sweetie and me, with my two daughters.

Life has a way of spinning out of control, and for those of us who think that we were in control, that can just drive you crazy. Scripture ask a question about adding one hour to your life, and if you can't do that simple thing, then just what are you trying to control. What is it that I'm trying to hold on to? To keep Sweetie in just one stage of her disease? Or is it to speed up the process to its final conclusion, or both? 

I don't know. I do know that soon the sun will come up, and that either Sweetie will wonder down and eventually find me, or I'll go up to her, wake her and start our day. It is the mundane things that keep us going. The everyday dull, simple things that occupy the time from wake up to sleep, these are the things that make up my waking hours. 

Breakfast is getting to be a hassle these days. Sometimes I wonder if we should be having just two meals a day with a snack to fill the time in-between. Sweetie has lost so much weight, that I'm afraid that if we do that, she will waste away to nothing. I've been using Ensure as milk on the cereal, so she can get double protein in what she takes in, and now she is eating less and less. 

I'm using Hemp Oil when she first gets up in an effort to head off her disagreeableness first thing in the morning. So that we can start the day off better. It seems that I have to be more aware of the time in-between doses. In the later part of the day, we can be watching TV, and I'll get up to do something, and when she gets up, it is as if Mr. Sundowners has come to visit. I have to spend time keeping her in the house, and fight with her to take another dose of her balance medicine. After that, it is "Katy bar the door" 'cause she wants out. About that time, I'll get her in the car and we go for a ride. Don't know what it is about car rides, but she will just sit and look, as I watch for signs of Mr. Sundowner leaving the building. 

I do know what my morning car rides with my Driver mean to me. A time of peaceful recovery. No cares, no worries, just sit and be still, for then I can hear His calm and sweet voice. Refreshing me, giving me strength me for the day ahead. With His loving kindness, I can make it through the day ahead, and maybe finding an Easter Egg or two. In the meantime I'm off, with Driver at the wheel, as we lead the caravan down the Road to Dementia Town, and as always, Keeping our Shiny Sides up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.   

 

Ice cream.

Balloon Fiesta 2015

Will be so glad when this period of time is done. One of the things that I'm grateful for, is that we stream most of our TV watching. For it isolates us from most of the propaganda which is also call political commercials. Then there are the personal injury lawyers. Shish, sometimes there are three lawyers in the same commercial break. 

Sorry for my rant, then again, it gives me something else to talk about. I know that you don't come here to listen to my complaining, but where else do I go. Sweetie is so sweet when she tries to express herself when I go off about commercials. I have a choice, either mute them or change the channel. I choice to mute, then make up my own dialogue to them. I'm funnier then what they have to say.

Fall is upon us and the trees are turning gold right now. The Rio Grande has cottonwoods growing along its banks and the canopy is mostly gold, and when we are driving around, I can point it out to Sweetie, and she will look and no longer be impressed. She sees, and acknowledges, but that is about as far as it gets. She has lost all resemblance of time and seasons. 

Halloween is right around the corner, and I'll be darkling our door. She won't understand what is going on, plus the fact that we will be heading for bed about the time the tricker treaters will start coming to the door. I just wonder what the effect of CV19 will have this year. 

Last nights dinner, I baked a sweet potato for us. I'm trying to get a different flavor into our meals. I smashed Sweeties so she could just shovel it on to her fork. She did fairly well, but, when I had mine cut up into chucks, I started feeding her out of my plate. She readily accepted it. I can see my feeding her is just around the corner. 

I tried it again with some ice cream. One bowel, and one spoon. I'd load up the spoon, and turn it towards her, she eagerly ate it until she didn't want anymore. I felt good about this new arrangement. It meant more ice cream for me.

Driver thinks that its funny that I equate ice cream as good for me. He knows that I need to feel good about what is going on, and if it is ice cream, then so be it. For it is done in love, and the more love, the more pleasures I will have. Life with Sweetie will never be what we hoped it to be. With Driver's help, it will be the best it can be. My love for her just keeps growing and growing. Moving on with each passing day. This is my world, and I share it with Driver as we head up the caravan, moving down the Road to Dementia Town, with all of us Keeping our Shiny Sides Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.  

 

Breaks my heart.

Simple no more.

Simple things, just stuff that we do without thinking about it. Like putting whip cream on a desert, who would not know how to do that? Well, it would be my Sweetie. It is that which I've accustomed myself to over look. To do that which she can no longer do for herself. 

Meal are becoming a continues conversation on how she doesn't know how to do it. Last night she even said how stupid she is. That just breaks my heart. For she was at one time, the smartest woman I've ever known. She would think rings around me. There were times when I knew she was right, yet my pride and maleness wouldn't let me listen to her wisdom. Now, I draw on that which I can no longer hear, and use it to help her. 

Yesterday morning, we had sausage and eggs for breakfast. Went through our normal utterances of lost knowledge of what to do, and I'd tell her to put the food in her mouth. Otherwise she would just keep trying to put more food on her fork. Again it was two eggs for breakfast with link sausage, and again, she ate it all.  I had to cut the sausage into smaller bits for her otherwise she wouldn't eat the sausage. She has a habit of putting harder food on her fork first, then tries to put softer food on her fork after that and as you can imagine, it squashes the softer food, and she cannot get it on her fork. Like a piece of meat, than tries to add mash potatoes. It just pushes the mash potatoes around the plate. I can get frustrated just watching her try to eat. That is when I'll take her fork and fix the food for her. Soon, I'll be feeding her and I think both of us know that is coming soon. 

I'd like to talk about the use of CBD. I'm now starting the day with giving her some. She is more combative when she wakes up than she used to be. I've found that if I give her some as soon as I can, before breakfast, she starts the day better. 

She is now fighting brushing her teeth. Where as before, I was able to get her to brush, if even for a little bit, but now, she carries on, and once she has the brush in her hand, she won't give it up. I'm trying to figure a way for me to brush her teeth for her. 

Figure out. That is why my time with my Driver is so important. He will guide my thinking to the solution that works best for Sweetie and I'll feel good about it. When I'm with Him, He just pours His love into me, and I, in turn, lavish it on Sweetie. From the mountain top, to the lake below, I am that stream that feed the lake. The lake doesn't do anything, but from the mountain top, it is a thing of beauty to see. That is my love, a beautiful vista in my life. So, I guess we are off, into the mountains to see great and beautiful vistas, as we caravan together, on the Road to Dementia Town, keeping our Shiny Sides up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.  

   

 

Smiles

picture of a picture of us

Sunday morning, and with it comes the day of cleaning. Going to do some housecleaning today. I'm turning into quite the Artie Homemaker. Got plans to clean the stove, vacuum the living room. Maybe even see if Sweetie will help doing some dusting.  

Yesterday, was shower and haircut day. We had a small incident while in the shower, the shower head pop off and a hard stream of water hit Sweetie. When that happened she just wanted to get out of the shower as quickly as she could. I was able to calm her down, and finish washing her. 

After the shower, and dried off, I was able to trim her hair and her toe and finger nails without too much of a hassle. Something that has been bugging me, is the dirt under her nails. Trying to get her to wash her hands, and spend time in the water to loosen and clean her nails is a struggle. I can cut her nails short, which helps, but it doesn't get to the problem. There is so much dirt under her nails, you'd think she was a auto mechanic.

We had bacon and eggs for breakfast. Normally, I'd give her one egg, but because she isn't eating very much now a days, I tried two eggs and watched to see how she would do. She ate it all. You don't know how happy that made me to watch those eggs disappear, I sat there with a smile on my face. 

Getting a smile on my face these days is the working of my Driver. He knows the joys that lay ahead, that smiles are still available for the seeking. Seeking the good stuff, and when the good stuff seems no more, He provides some more, but different good stuff. I'm ready to go on an Easter Egg hunt this morning, as we drive down the Road to Dementia Town, leading a caravan of cars as we go, Keeping our Shiny Sides Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.  

 

Sweetie is still able...

My Sweetie Pie

"It is well, it is well, with my soul.". I like to play Christian tunes as back ground music. It it well is now playing, and it seem right, right now. I know that I'm in the middle of a life story, and I know the ending chapters. Just where I am in this story, I'm not sure. I do know that we have made it past the beginning, and are now passing through the middle chapters. 

Sweetie is still able to walk and feed herself. She sleeps, for now. How much how much longer it will be before she starts staying up, or getting up in the middle of the night and starts wandering? So far, I've been blessed, because these symptoms haven't developed yet. 

I also have to wonder, if the fact that I've been giving Sweetie CBD all this time, that the Hemp Oil has suppressed most of those behaviors? Yesterday was a good example. Her breakfast time was again a struggle to get her to eat just a cup of cereal. To the point she got up and was just going off about it. After I had given up and started doing the dishes, she came up to me, and I gave her her morning dose and she started to have an improved attitude. 

What I love about CBD, is that I cannot overdose her. Yesterday was a 4x's a day. And with the addition of the Stress Relief lotion in the evenings, brings about a nice evening. 

I've started putting just a dab of the lotion on her wrist and the back of her neck, maybe 2 or 3 times in the evening. So that when we retire, she is able to sleep, and that is a blessing. 

That is what my Driver does, He gives me Easter Eggs to find. One of the things that I know, is that as long as Sweetie is breathing, there will be Easter Eggs to find. Driver is whispering "At last, he gets it." I've gotten it before, but being a human, I need reminders of that point time and time again. He just smiles as we head out to our Shiny car, leading a caravan of Shiny cars, Down the Road to Dementia Town, with our Shiny Sides Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless.   

 

Her rebellious side.

The Nixon Library

Early to bed, early to rise, that is how I live now. Early is to say the least for both ends of that statement. When that time comes when I can stay up later and get up later, it will be a difficult time for me. 

I've always been an early riser. The kids used to joke about the times on the weekends if I wasn't up by 6, I'd slept in. I now have such a habit of getting up early, that it will take along time to readjust my sleeping pattern. I wonder if that time comes that I'll be burnt out of my daily blathering and with no one reading it, will I still be writing? Only time will tell. 

Yesterday was a different day. Sweetie wasn't tracking very well and it was a struggle getting her going. She fought having breakfast, and it seemed that her rebellious side was very active. As we struggled to eat, she acted very agitated. She did calm down somewhat after her morning dose of "Balance" medicine. She wasn't up to brushing her teeth, and, the part that amazes me, is trying to get her toothbrush away from her. She is that little kid who is so positive of whatever is in her hand, she won't give it up. It is sad and funny at the same time. 

While we were on the golf course, I could tell that I needed to get her home soon. She won't hold my hand, or go with me to the tee or greens. I know Dementia is near and about to act out. And it did. She got out of the cart and started walking to one of the men we were playing with, and he was practicing social distancing. Try to explaining that to dementia, it does not understand and the more he tried to fend her off, the more she wanted to get closer to him. Again, funny, but not. I was able to get her back into the cart and headed to the car and home. 

Even as I drove home, I know Driver was with us. I gave Sweetie another dose of her medicine, I keep a bottle in the car for just times like these. She relaxed and sanity slowly came back. Driver had His hand on my shoulder, for I was calm and took care of business. 

It was because of our mornings together that Drive keeps me strong. He is the one that keeps telling me, You can do this. So I do. One morning at a time, one meal at a time, just one more time. I'm never alone. For I get to sit in the passenger's seat, wearing my cool sunglasses, as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, leading a caravan of cars, Keeping our Shiny Sides up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.   

 

Change.

Disneyland.

Disneyland, Knott's Berry, or any amusement park was always a bittersweet time for us. Sweetie gets motion sickness, and will only go on the kiddy rides. Me, I'm the other way, the more twist, turns, bumps, air in a ride the more I like it. I always felt I never got my monies worth because of the fact I'd be alone on the rides, and Sweetie would enjoy the wandering about. 

Funny isn't it? Even now, my devotion is to her health and safety. I've given up a lot of my golden years to make sure she is safe. That she is well taken care of, and the only person that can do the best and right job is me. I know her, I've learned to talk to her, to make sure she doesn't get lost, that she gets fed, gets showered, gets to bed and awakes to the new day. 

Sometimes, I think of the visual of a man with his old and dearest pet, and every where he goes, the pet comes with him. And then again, the song "He's not heavy, He's my brother." applies here. For Sweetie isn't heavy, for she is my wife, my lover, my everything. I am so wrapped up in taking care of her, that I know nothing else. 

Yesterday, after I got her up, and we started our morning routine, she just had to go back to bed. Next thing I knew she was asleep, and she slept for sometime. Which is new for her. Sometimes I wonder if she is getting enough sleep. When she lays down for a nap, I'll sneak into the room and check on her. She is usually just laying there, with eyes half open, resting. Then I wait until she is either bored or ready to get going again. 

This morning, we are going to a different golf course on the other side of town. Tried it last week, and the change was nice. I'm thinking of making it a permanent change. Just enough change that will make it better. Still the same for Sweetie, she rides in the cart, walks on the tee and green with me. 

Change is something that my Driver is all about. He is the same today, yesterday, and tomorrow, yet at the same time He isn't. He sees the changes coming and helps me through them. There always seems to be an Easter Egg when we get through the changes. Changes are a part of life, and with each change comes a new tool to help handle the problems of life. Driver is there to show me how to properly use those new tools. Speaking of which, time to get into the car with Him, to motor down the Road to Dementia Town, leading the caravan full of cars that have their Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.   

 

Darkness of Sweetie's mind.

At Huntington Beach. 

I wonder just what Sweetie remembers? If she doesn't remember who I am, than who am I? I bear the gave responsibility of keeping our memories alive. That is why I post these pictures of us. 

We shared a life that was so full of wonders and delights. Doing somethings that others only dream about, and dreamt of things yet undone. This is the time we were going to do those things that had been planed and put into storage, just waiting to burst forth and do. Those times have died in the ever increasing darkness of Sweetie's mind. 

I live now in that cold place of "Yets". Things that were hoped to be, and now will never be. I will still, when the time is right, try to do some of those yets, and take her with me as a memory of what we were going to do. I, too, am old and gray, and I know, just like things that are too far on the horizon to see clearly, my end is coming. It is a reality that I must face, and do so with a clear mind that I have given all that I can to my Sweetie. 

She is getting weaker. In the morning, I have to help her out of bed. There are times when she will sit up, and then just fall back on the bed. We have a good routine going now. I'll sit on the end of the bed, and rub her feet until she awakes. Gently get her out of bed, into the bathroom, get her overnights off, a damp wet cloth to clean her up, sorta a sponge bath for the lower regions, front and back. New pullups, her pants for the day and then breakfast. Depending on the way she wakes up, Hemp oil is next. Then back upstairs for a shave, face wash, and sometimes brushing teeth. This all takes about an hour to accomplish and if the task isn't completed, try again tomorrow.  

Courage to do these things come from my Driver. He is there in the middle of it all of this. I know I couldn't do all these things without Him. I'm just not strong enough to carry on each and everyday. Then again, I do. Spending time with Him everyday as I turn control over and just sit and rest in the passenger seat, refreshing myself in His presence, as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town. Like pioneer's we travel together, caravanning together, to the same destination, keeping our Shiny Sides Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.  

 

Her best behavior.

Celebrating 30 year anniversary.

Tweetie, our corvette, the top lets in wind noise, and when I put the top down, it doesn't fold right and is a struggle to get the trundle cover closed. So, we went to a company that does that sort of thing to get a new top. Spent a little bit more than an hour, talking, inspecting, and finally choosing a new top for Tweetie. Now the wait until it is made and shipped to the installers. About a month, and just in-time for the winter season.

While we were at the top installer's, I have to say Sweetie was on her best behavior. She didn't panic, she didn't want to wander, she was just with me. Which was a joy to behold. I never know when Mr. Sundowners will show up, and this was one of those times he didn't show up. 

To be on my best, while I'm taking care of Sweetie, I've made the decision to start using my rower. I've got some aches and pains that I think are cause by me having my feet up too much. I know that if I spend just 5 minutes a morning rowing, the pain level subsides. I've been rowing for 2 days now, and I know it will take at least a week before I feel any benefits from the exercise.  

Lately, Sweetie doesn't want to eat her breakfast, she will start out good, and within a few bites, start to act full. I can push her to get more into her, yet she fights it. If nothing else, I want her to drink the "milk" in her cereal bowel, its the Ensure. With the Ensure and what cereal she eats I hope she gets enough protein and vitamins in her. 

All in all, I'd say we are doing well. Lately she has begun being afraid, and gets teary eyed. When she gets this way, I've started putting Stress Relief Lotion on her wrist, and when I can, on her neck. Then I can just sit and watch her relax. I've found if I do the rubbing, and relieve her of doing anything, she is more acceptable to what I'm doing.

Acceptable, now isn't that what my Driver has been telling me? Be acceptable to Sweetie. A sweet sounding voice, a gentle manner, that will enable me to do the things I need to do while I'm talking care of Sweetie. Man, what a learning process I'm going through. Driver says that you get more and better cooperation by being humble and small. Between Sweetie and my Driver is me, and I'm the conduit for His love to her. While it flows through me, I too get a benefit from it, I get to see and feel it for myself. Come, and follow along in the caravan to the Road to Dementia Town, as we all drive with our Shiny Sides up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.      

 

To seek, to hunt and then, to find.

At the Grand Canyon 

Monday, Monday, a song by the Mamas and Papas, seems to sum up this morning feelings about what this day will hold. 

Sweetie was up early Sunday morning, she sat with me, as we watch three different preachers give their messages. Which was different for me. I usually just watch one or two of my favorites. The messages seem to link themselves for me and a special thought. One was on waiting, one on gratitude, and one one comparing myself to God. Waiting, for there is something better acoming. Gratitude to God for what He is doing. The last one, about Job and God. When comparing myself to God, I am nothing and only God can do what I can't do. 

I find strength in doing what I can. I find the blessings, Easter Eggs, that are laying all around me and I have to be willing to look, to seek, to hunt, and then, to find them. The simple things, the smile from Sweetie, the pulse of her hands, for she has tremors, and I know she is there. Working out things like when to put her overnight pad in. I've given up doing it at bed time, too much of a hassle. I found between an hour or two before bed time. She is more willing, and when we go to bed, it is off with her shoes and jeans and into bed. 

Learning to make her life easier, makes my life easier. This winter will be the season I'm dreading. It will be a time that we will spend so much time together inside. Dementia hates cold, and any outing outside will be a no-no.

I can't worry about that, I have to stay in the present, for tomorrow hasn't arrived. My Driver keeps telling me that. Don't barrow trouble, for today has enough trouble of its own. Seeking a path of understanding and peace should be my goals, for with those two tools, whatever comes my way, whatever problem, if I look at it, through Driver's eyes, I will find the solution. It always happens that way. Got your sunglasses on for todays caravan, as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, keeping our Shiny Sides Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless. 

 

She still loves me.

Grandma and granddaughter.

Another day in the books, and we're still here. Still in the house, still in the kitchen, cooking. Still getting up early to have my quiet time. Most of all, I'm still Sweetie's husband and caregiver. That is my purpose in life right now, a position which I honor. 

From what I've read in the Dementia Family site, I must be very lucky indeed. For Sweetie isn't mean, she can be talked into doing things, she doesn't head for the door every 5 minutes. She enjoys being around me, and as much as I can obtain, she still loves me. 

She wants to help in whatever we are doing. If we are shopping, she wants to help push the cart. If I'm cooking, she is right there at my elbow, watching. If there is something real simple, I'll encourage her to try it. Which last about 30 seconds, and she says she doesn't know what she is doing, and I relieve her of the task. 

After meals, she used to take a towel and dry and put away the dishes. Now, I tell her to wait for me to dry the dishes, and I'll help her put them away. She struggles to remember where each dish or glass goes, so I point her on her in the right direction. When we are done, I give her a hug and tell her what great help she was. Like telling a toddler what a good job they have done. 

One of the things that has become noticeable is her footwear. When she has been sitting for awhile, she starts looking for her flipflops, or slip-ons. Depends on which one she has on, and remembers the other foot apparel. She starts to look around, I have to tell her she is OK, that the others are over there, and they are safe.  She settles down, and in about 10-15 minutes, starts all over again. This is her behavior loop for now. If that is all that I have to go through, I'll be happy. 

In my morning prayer, there is this line, "That I maybe reasonable happy in the this life..." That is what Driver keeps drumming in my head, for this life is just temporary. The next line sums up the waiting. "and supremely happy with You forever in the next." When I stop and look at me life, I am reasonable happy. That should give me the strength to get through today. There is a twinkle in Driver's eye, for He knows that I know, with Him all things are possible as we caravan down the Road to Dementia Town, keeping our Shiny Sides up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless. 

 

Fired.

Grandson's boot camp graduation. 

I would of liked to have been there. I was still working and on the outs with the kids. Long story that does look like it was the best thing to happen to me and Sweetie. 

I seem to rub most of my kids the wrong way, and it seems like most of the relationships are lukewarm for many different reasons. Because we are a blended family, and that in it self is a good ingredient of the different levels of friendship I have with the kids. Distance, miles, with my two, they live in a different state. Sweetie's two daughters are all wrapped up in themselves and don't spend anytime with their mother. 

The best and closest is with my step-son. Maybe it is because he and I are men. I think it is his caring personality, his real love for his mother, and willingness to help out. He is open and gregarious, and most of all, his love of God. 

Do I want more? Sure I do! I don't want to carry this load by myself and some timely help from the daughters would be nice. At the same time, I don't want to nag at them to come over and give me some time to myself. Damned if they do, and damned if they don't. Oh well. This is one of those things that I can't control and I already have enough on my plate and don't need to add anymore to it. 

Fired our sitter company yesterday. Was to have a sitter and when no one showed up, I called to see what was going on. They didn't have us scheduled at all. With all the problems that we have been having, I just fired them on the spot. I was supposed to give notice, but since they didn't have us scheduled, that was notice enough. Now, I will be looking for a new sitter. 

Driver knows what is going on, even when I don't have the slightest clue. He's there guiding me and that is a hard job. I may say that I'm willing, but then again so is a donkey. That just about sums it up as to my relationship with my Driver and just about everyone else. I can get stubborn, mean, bucking at the load I'm carrying, then with His gentle voice and hand, I soon settle down and follow. Putting His yoke on, for it is gentle. He's waiting outside in the car, and I'm off. Getting into the passenger's seat, cool sunglasses on, and leading a caravan of like minded fellows, as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Sides Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.  

 

Will not surrender.

Balloon Fiesta '15

I can remember these days. When we were together, even when we weren't together. The freedom to come and go and not worry if she would be OK. These were also the days that Dementia was starting to grow. It hadn't blossomed into full memory loss, but the signs were there. 

My oldest asked if she didn't want her and the family here, because she seemed so stand offish. I told her she was having problems and I thought she might be coming down with Alzheimer's. This was before I had her tested. 

Come to think about it, I just knew she was heading that way. You can't live with a person for all those years without knowing or sensing that something is wrong. Even when we found out, there wasn't anything we could of done to prevent the change that was coming our way. 

Dementia, Alzheimer's, and the rest of the memory stealing diseases are cruel turns of life. Yet I will not surrender Sweetie to a facility, a home, for as long as I can keep her with me. I hate the simple fact that these "Golden Years" are being stolen from us. 

Yet again, with this disease, I've learned so much more about how to love my Sweetie. Yesterday, while on the course, I was singing to her, little choruses from old songs, and "You are my Sunshine" came to mind. Singing please don't take my sunshine away, just hit home. That is when she turned and sang it with me. I was an emotional wreck. That sealed it for me, I will keep my Sunshine Sweetie with me until her sunsets. 

My Driver knows that without pain, you cannot know the joy awaiting. Like after every storm, there is sunshine. Even during the storm, there are rainbows promising a better time ahead. He is willing to drive me through the storms and into the sunshine as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Sides Up. Caravan is moving, join us as we go, down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping your Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless. 

 

Tranquility.

Sweetie and granddaughter.

Times they are a changing. As I search for pictures of Sweetie, I get sentimental. Wanting to turn the clock back, and as I've said before, there isn't a reverse gear in life. Sometimes life just swoops you up and moves you faster than you want to go. Wanting to stay and savor the moment, and like a vapor, it's gone. Then there are the times that I'd wish life would move faster then warp speed, and yet, life seems suspended in front of me, taking forever to go by. 

Most of the time, I'm happy to have Sweetie with me, then there are the times when I ask the question, "How much longer?" I understand that question is for my convenience, not hers. Is my wanting to be free from the weight of taking care of her a wrong question to ask? Understanding that I am her whole world, that she cannot survive without me taking care of her, and what would I do if I didn't have her to take care of? 

Imagining a life without her is a scary thing. With her in my life, and needs that I take care of for her gives me a sense of accomplishment. Simple things like waking her up, brushing her hair, all the needs of life are mine to give. Like a job that is secure and I'll never get fired. 

Last night, Mr. Sundowner came around, he didn't produce anger or wandering, he brought his good buddy, Fear. She was just fearful most of the evening and it didn't stop until we headed upstairs to bed. Once there, and with me beside her, she went to sleep and I could relax. 

Driver knows all about fear, for He knows what it produces: worry, anxiety, and depression. Driver also has the answer, it is His warm hugs, a comforting blanket I can snuggle up into. He knows the questions before I ask, and His answer is the same, His blanket is enough for now, and it is. He says we have a side trip this morning, to Lake Tranquility, going to stop and take a walk around it. Care to join us, in the caravan as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, as always, with our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.