Through my tears.

My love and me.

Sunday was a good day. I got busy and did some stuff that needed to be done, and somethings that have been nagging at me to do. 

Sunday

After my zoom meeting, instead of waiting until I "felt like doing it", I got up and started doing my morning with Sweetie. 

Take the blanket off of her, take the pillows out from under her, check her to see if she is wet or dirty. She was neither, so it makes for a easier morning. She was so clean, that I didn't want to fight her to get the old off, and put a new one on, so I didn't. 

Rolled her on her side, stuffed a pillow in so she would lean to the other side. Made sure her feet were off the bed, and covered her back up. 

All of the moving her, woke her up so I could see she was watching me. With a warm wash cloth, got the sleep out of her eyes, washed her face, and then shaved those whisker of hers. When I was done, she was awake and beautiful as ever. 

Taking advantage of her being conscious, quickly got her some orange slices and applesauce. One thing I've learned is the to make sure she drinks the juice. It is mostly water and sugar with a hint of orange in it. She isn't drinking water, so I make sure she gets what I can into her. 

Soon, too soon, she is back behind the curtain again. That is my turn for breakfast. This morning, I'm making biscuits, spam hash and eggs. Haven't had that since Sweetie's collapse. Because it was for me alone, in went the hot sauce. My taste buds were in fiery heaven as I enjoyed my meal. 

Stripped my bed, and removed the extra covers under her side of the bed, did the laundry and realized I needed to get to the store and buy some more detergent. 

It was then, when I was getting ready to get into the shower, I noticed them, my feet. They were in sad shape, white skin, toe nails needed trimming, and I made up my mind, to the nail store I go. 

It was strange, the first time without Sweetie in over 3 years. When I retired, she talked me into getting our nails done together. That is when I found out that I wasn't the only man getting his feet taken care of. 

As the young lady was working on my feet, she was making conversation, when it hit me. All the memories of when she was with me, and I couldn't stop the welling up and the tears started. 

After all of that, and when I was leaving, I chose a young lady, getting a basic pedicure and told my lady that I was going to pay for her pedi, and please tell her after I leave. I want to do this in Sweetie's name, because she isn't here with me, I want to do this in her name. 

Of course that didn't happen, and when she sat down, they told her what I was doing and of course she asked why. 

Through my tears I said "My wife is dying, and it is in her name I was doing it." She came over and gave me a big hug, and thanked me. 

Later in the evening, I went to another meeting, not wanting to be alone. At the meeting a lady who used to work hospice, gave me her number, said to call her if I wanted time off. I think this one will work. 

How strange it is, now that we have made it to Dementia Town. Now what? I know Sweetie's name is on the Mayor's appointment list. We know that, what we don't know is when we will be called. Right now it doesn't matter, I still have her with me. I will live with all these memories around me. Like a never ending movie, we watch and wait our turn. So for now, our Shiny Side is Still Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless. Arthur.  

 

She will be gone.

She can still smile.

As it is my habit, I reread yesterdays post, and found myself a little bit embarrassed. I spoke of things that may have been insulting to some of my readers, and even to my daughters. 

Then again, I think at my age, it is OK to speak of the time when Sweetie goes home for her family reunion. For there will be life after Sweetie. 

I knew a lady, that had lost her husband years ago, and she was still in mourning. Everyday, she would say the same thing, like a broken record, stuck and hopping back to play again and again. 

In these past years, as I've cared for Sweetie, I have been saying my good byes. I've been preparing my heart for that stab, that hurt, that finial letting go, so I can continue my life. 

I know that if I do meet someone else, she will never take Sweetie's place in my heart and head. 

As you know, I love to use movies as a easy way to express myself. The movie "Ghost" comes to mind, when Sam has done all that is needed to leave and go, the love that is shared, tore me up. I feel that when Sweetie makes her grand exit, my heart will break, and the water works will open up. She will be gone, I will be left, and life goes on.  

Saturday

Just another day in the life of the marble rolling around trying to find something to do, and not doing that which is right in front of me. 

It is time to do our morning routine, time to take care of Sweetie. Time to re-arrange the pillows, time to change her, empty her bag, wash her face, and to talk to her. 

The pain levels seem to be going down, and it is easier for me to work on her. Today, after all the jostling about, I see her smile at me, and I can see it is her, her eyes are bright and awake. She speaks to me, her voice is weak and I can barely hear her, but she is with me. 

Taking the opportunity, I sit with her, and give her some peaches, juice and applesauce. We smile that smile of understanding and love. Soon, way too soon, she starts to close her eyes, and her mouth doesn't open. She is back behind the curtain again, until tomorrow morning. 

It is a beautiful morning here in Dementia Town. The report is for sunshine, cool days, and time to do some sight seeing while we wait to be called to the town hall. Drive is with us, even more closely than before. We know He is there, with us, and at the same time, we don't find it intrusive, for after all, He is the one that has gotten us this far, safety. And when the time is right, He will be taking me home. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless. Arthur.   

 

Just sit and enjoy.

One of Sweetie's angels.

This young lady is so precious. She comes twice a week to bath her, and sheds her special care on her. We talk, and she is always talking to her. When she comes in, she has a special way about her that draws Sweetie to the surface of life. Sweetie will smile and talk with her. And when she leaves, I get some special time with her. Sweetie stays awake long enough for me to attempt to feed and water her, then soon, her eyes glaze over and back she goes, behind the curtain. 

I was telling her that my daughter in California is after me to cut my hair. It is the longest I've ever had it, and to tell the truth, I don't have hair that looks good long. It is too fine and body less. 

So, I think I'll wait until Sweetie has passed, then look for a big titted barber, and ask her to rub her tits on me while I get my haircut. 

The idea of being with out Sweetie means a whole another life. To be near a healthy woman again, to feel the touch of another woman, to have a conversation with a healthy woman is so needed in me, in my soul. 

I am a man that loves the opposite sex. I love to see them, to smell them, to taste them. To feel them as they brush up against me. Sweetie was my box of chocolate that had a never ending surprise waiting for me. In the morning, with coffee and donuts, in the afternoon, with a cold beverage, in the evening, with a glass of wine, or late at night, a waking to her pleasures. She was my all in all. 

Friday

As I was up, and my nurse lady came to visit, to check on her, and to change her. I'm so relieved that I'm now getting this help. I've been doing it for so many years that it is nice to not have to do it. 

Today is her bath day. I've already told you about what happened. This lady is a kick, and she has a way of encouraging me to open up. When I do, the memories come out. The intimate memories, about how we met, about our passion, and she allows me to share those with her. 

It is in a strange way, that when I watch other women touch her, wash her, see her naked, I still think about us, the passion, the love, the animal love she and I shared. She had a way of driving me mad with love. 

She used to wear skirts that split up on leg. I've seen that before, but when she put them on, it was different, it was magnetic, just the flash of leg, the idea of where that leg lead to, and what awaited me when I got home. Dear Lord have Mercy. 

Anyway, today is the day I decided to do our taxes. The only reason I do them is because I have withholding taken out of my Social Security Checks. I'd rather file for a refund, then file to pay. Never know when the congress will make things taxable that weren't taxable the year before. 

Tonight, the oldest daughter, and her husband,  came to sit with her while I made my meeting. When I return and was saying good bye, I mentioned "... see you next week." There was a look of "What do you mean, see you next week?" on their faces. I'll let them figure it out for themselves. 

All in all, it was a good day looking around Dementia Town. Found a park to walk in, and we did. With the sun out, the blue skies over head, we enjoyed the day. Driver is watching out for us, as we just sit and enjoy. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless. Arthur. 

 

Greatly exaggerated

Constant companion.

 

As each day seems to roll into the next. I stand watch over her. Got her some M&Ms, just to see if she would eat one. After fighting to get it into her mouth, she liked it. I got the same reaction when I got a spoonful of chocolate Ensure in her. Her eyes opened, she smiled, and quickly went back behind the curtain. She didn't take anymore Ensure after that.

Thursday

After our morning, I felt I needed to let some of the extended family know what is going on with Sweetie. 

Made phone calls, which was good for two reasons. The first one is obvious, to talk and share. The second is, I got more phone numbers. On one of the calls, there was a mix up of information about the passing of a mutual friend. It was his first wife that had passed, not him. So, as Mark Twain's famous remarks went, "The rumor of my demise, is greatly exaggerated." 

I told of the plans of meeting on the beach, at a fire pit, having a BBQ, share memories, and then wading in the ocean and sprinkling her ashes there. A suggestion from Sweetie's youngest, is that we all wear purple, her favorite color. 

At first I had my nose tweak out of place, because these were my plans, and then, why not, it is her mom too. So purple it is. 

Those that have heard the plans, like them, so it looks like the last social gathering for her will be a great success.

I was talking to my nurse, and in passing I told her that I heard that love ones seem to know when the time has arrived and will wait until the caregiver leaves the room, before going. It is like they want you to remember the time they were still with you, not their exit. 

She smiled, and told me to get out, take a walk, get some fresh air. Go do something that I used to do with Sweetie. 

I also told her that I was telling family 4 to 6 weeks, and she told me, sooner. 

Driver told me that there is going to be a parade soon, but in the mean time, there is a zoo, with elephants we might stop and look around. He knows how much she likes the elephants. Might as well enjoy what Dementia Town has to offer while we wait for our turn to see the mayor of Dementia Town, is will be soon now. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless. Arthur.   

 

Dementia Town is a big town.

Her bed mate.

It was another day of morphine, CBD, and moving her. She is sleeping most of the day and that is where we are now. 

In the morning is when she is the most awake. I think it is because of the time in between the last dose of pain meds and her morning dose. 

This it the window of opportunity I have to get her to eat. We are now down to applesauce and water. I just purchased some Ensure for a meal substitute. Anything is better than nothing. 

While our nurse was here, I told her about her stomach growling when she would attempt to eat. She told me that was normal, but she isn't aware of what is happening. 

The mornings are also the best time for us. This is the time I will sit and read to her. I'm attempting to read a chapter a day to her. I don't think she is aware of me reading to her, it is more for me. 

It snowed last night, and it will be difficult for Driver to navigate around the town. For Dementia Town is a big town, and there are still sights for us to see before we make it to our finial stop. Downtown, up town, parks and museums, and we will no doubt see them all. For after all, we might as well, for there isn't anything else to do, as we wait to be call to our finial destination. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless. Arthur.  

 

Un-childproof.

Sweetie and Teddy

I was told to make a log to keep track of when I would give Sweetie her meds. I got out a pad that is set up as a grid. As I was making entries, it was difficult to keep am and pm separate. For me, it was simple, then again, for someone else, it may or may not make sense. An easy answer is to use military time. You know 0800 in stead of 8 o'clock, and 1300 instead of 1pm. I try to default to the KISS method, you know, Keep It Simple, Stupid. 

I've resigned myself, that Sweetie isn't going to be eating anything heavy anymore. So, as I was spooning fruit juice into her, I was thinking of what else I could feed her that will help keep her strong? How about Ensure, or Boost, or one of those meals in a bottle? Put those on the shopping list, and pick them up. 

Tuesday

Because I don't have to get Sweetie to bed, I'm going to bed later in the night, and that means I'm getting up later in the morning. On one hand that is good, on the other hand, it compresses my meditation, prayer and blog time. I'm still on a schedule, and because I am a creature of habit, I want to keep my schedule. 

It seemed that today was a very busy day. I was talking to my sponsor when I got a call from my youngest daughter, the one in California. 

She was taking a day away from the office, and working at home, so she called me. Her heart is so tender these days. She cares and worries about me and what we are going through. She has a wonderful care way with her. She knew I was up, and wanted to talk. 

As we were talking, we ended up making plans for her and her sister to come to Pensacola and stay with me while we are at the reunion. It would be so nice for them to do that. 

Today, her aid came to bath her. I just got out of the way, and watched and talked to her. Because of what she was doing, my conversation wandered towards memories of our lovemaking. Watching her touch her, reminded me of how we were, and how I missed her. She put powered under her breast, to keep the sweat down, and deodorant on her. I found myself looking at her breast, and thinking, at her age, they are still well formed and attractive. 

While she was getting her bath, the nurse showed up, and wanted to see how she is doing. She is concerned for her comfort. After bathing Sweetie, changing her shirt, and all. She told me she was going to talk to the doctor about increasing her pain meds. 

We talked about how it might be time to un-childproof the house. For it doesn't seem that Sweetie will be getting out of bed anytime soon. She took off the cover on the front door, and later that day, I took the one off the door to the garage. 

As we get closer to Dementia Town, sign of our destination are on the sides of the road. Where there used to be mountains, valleys, and meadows, there are now signs of life about us. Driver told me that we will soon be able to see the center of Dementia Town soon. We will now be in traffic, having to navigate traffic signals, and the like, to our finial destination. It will be making my job of Keeping Our Shiny Side Up a bit more difficult, but I know, with Driver's help, I can do it. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless. Arthur.    

 

Hairy Monster.

Buddies.

It is getting close. I am on the seesaw of wanting her out of pain, and not wanting to be alone. How I live for those moments when she comes up and says "Hi". 

Monday

I checked in with her, and she was her sleepy self. Her eyes were dull, and she wasn't real happy to see me, as a matter of fact, she didn't know where she was, or who I was. 

I ask her that question all the time now, "Do you know who I am?" For I am still waiting for the chance she might just make it to her conscious self to know me one more time.

I like to find examples of how I feel, so that maybe you can better understand what it is I'm trying to say. 

In the movie "Coco" the father who is going to disappear because his daughter is dying. His hoping that he could see her "..one last time." That feeling of lose, that feeling of anguish, is how I feel. Just to have Sweetie awake, bright eyed, telling me on more time "I love you." Is that too much to ask?

The nurse came for her visit, and I asked that she put in her in a catheter. So began the process. I had already changed her and replaced her pad. So, all we had to do was clean her, and put in the catheter. 

As she was cleaning her, told her that when I was potting her, I trimmed her bush. It made it easier for me to keep her clean, and at the same time, I felt it was sexy. When we were first lovers, she called it her "Hairy Monster." I suggested that she trim it, and it was like a thunderbolt, she had never thought of doing something like that. So for the next 35 years, she kept it neat and trimmed, until now. I had forgotten how much hair she had. Sorry, maybe TMI.

After we were done, and Sweetie was again relaxing, she shared with me what she thinks will happen. First, she won't get any x-rays for her hip, she isn't a candidate for surgery. Second, because of her refusing food and water, and her shallow breathing, the time is getting closer. 

I told her it would be nice if she could make it to our anniversary, in May. She doesn't think she will make it that long. 

Refusing food and water are signs of going home. 

Look, up ahead, a sign, it reads, Dementia Town city limits. We are almost at our destination. Driver knows where to go, for as of now, we are no longer speeding to Sweetie's getting off place. We will be there soon enough. As we go, Keeping Our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless. Arthur.

   

Catheter.

Buddies.

Made through another day. It was an easy day for Sweetie, she slept the day away. We are done with the UTI regimentation and it appears non too soon. 

She has now stopped eating. I can get some small pieces of fruit in her mouth, and then she will chew on it for a very long time, and maybe if we are lucky, she will swallow. 

The nurse had told me, that in the progression of Dementia, that she will forget how to sallow. I think that stage is either upon us, or very near. She has been refusing water, too. 

Sunday

Went to see if she is awake, and she was. Checking, she had wet through the diapers, it was more of me not getting them on her correctly then her peeing through them. 

Not having a sheet for the bed, I replaced the pad, and put a new diaper on her. It is most difficult now. I have to turn her over onto her hip, and remove the wet pad and diaper at that time. All at the same time with her crying in pain. 

When we are done, as best as I can be done, she is shaking like she is freezing. So, after covering her, I sit, hold her hand, and I tell her that it is all over for today. 

The nurse also said that they can put a catheter in her, as to save the need to change her. I think at this time, it would be a good idea to get it done. 

She is sleeping more and more these days. So that leaves me to sit and watch the scenery go by. Lonely as it is, just Sweetie and Me on the Road to Dementia Town, trying to Keep Our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless. Arthur.   

 

Pot holes

 

Sweetie and her kitty.

Well, it finally happened, Sweetie is becoming close to her kitty. When I got it for her, she wasn't friendly towards it at all. She would hand him back to me, and made it clear that she didn't want anything to do with it. 

At one point I was ready to give it to a home for those who were living there. I didn't, I kept it and when we moved her into the hospital bed, I gave it another try. This time it worked. She now keeps it close to her and pets it now and then. In the meantime she holds it in her good arm. 

Saturday

It was a normal day. For me, it was the second day of changing her, and the first after the aid that came and bathed her. I have a better understanding on how to get the old off and the new on. It is quite the battle, for even if Sweetie understands that it has to be done, she really doesn't like it. I try to give her a dose of morphine before we even get near the attempt. My goal is that it is at full strength and will help with numbing the pain. 

I'm not the best at this, so now my goal is just to get the old off, and the new on to the point where it covers her and won't come off. I think each time I do this, it will get better as the days go one. 

I've rearranged some chairs and stepping stools, on of each on each side of the bed. I now read to her which is something that is new for both of us. She seems content with me shuddering through the reading. We have so many books in the house that we won't run out of reading material for a long, long time. 

She is still chipmunking her food. When I think she has swallowed, I will give her some more, and before I know it, there it is, pocketed in her cheek. I've found that if I can get her to drink some water, she will start to chew what is stored. Sometimes, it will take an hour for her to chew and swallow. 

She is starting to refuse water. I've got her using a straw for the water. Most of the time she will drink, then again, there are the times of closed lips, and nothing will pass. 

It is just another day on the Road to Dementia Town. Driver is doing His thing as He navigates the pot holes, and deep cracks in the asphalt as we go by. In between the bumps and swerves, we are still able to Keep Our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless. Arthur.     

 

Busy day on the Road to Dementia Town.

 Its different, yet at the same time, it is the same. Sweetie is now swinging from being able to answer to non verbal stares. One of the biggest emotional reaction is her hip. 

She is  still in pain, even to the point of looking frightened if I even get near her legs. There are now times that she will remove my hand, even if I'm just resting it on her hip or leg. 

Received a IM yesterday from a reader who lost their LO. Telling me, that the pain was similar to when her LO was near her journey. It made me think that there might be something to it. 

On Monday, if Sweetie isn't better, I'm going to ask about getting a X-Ray on her hip. Need to find out why she is in so much pain. 

Friday

Friday, a busy day for us. I have to feed Sweetie every meal now. Plus I have to give her her antibiotics for her UTI. Doc did this as a preventive measure, to put a check mark on that possibility. At this point in time, I don't think she has a UTI. 

Well, I also, as suggested, now keep a log on when and what meds I give her. To start the day, I give her some morphine, CBD, and wait for the morphine to kick in. In the mean time, I give her a fruit cup, with her other meds. Then I tried to change her. 

It was then the phone rang, and the pastor was coming over to meet me and talk about spiritual matters, to pray and comfort me.

While he was here, my new helper showed up. She was here to give Sweetie  and bath, and I helped. She was very good, she was kind, and one of the things she did, was use sponge tooth brush to clean her mouth and teeth. 

Sweetie opened and let her sponge away. It was the first time in a long time that she let that happen. With me, it was a tightly closed mouth. 

In the in-between times, I sit with her and read to her. I could be reading names out of the phone book as far as she is concerned, it is just that it is the two of us, and she has all my attention. 

The good and bad side affect of the morphine, is that it makes her sleepy, and when she sleeps, I turn to TV. 

Tonight is the first night the son is coming over to sit with her. I get to go to a meeting alone, for the first time is forever it seems. 

When I get back, she is awake and he is doing his thing, very automated expressions with his mom, and she is loving it. 

He leaves and I try to check her out, and she isn't having any part of it. So, give her something to eat, the meds, and wait. Soon she is asleep, and that is my cue to do the same. 

It was a busy day on the Road to Dementia Town. A new system, and new routine, and mos of all, the same love for each other. We know we are moving towards Dementia Town faster now then before. We know it is waiting for us. In the mean time, we can still Keep Our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless. Arthur.  

Full of fear.

 Thank you for all your notes, your prayers, and for letting me know you are with me on these last days of our journey. So it goes. Day 3. Woke to find Sweetie had soaked the top sheet, which meant that I had to change her. It is getting difficult to even move her. So, this morning I got out a pair of scissors and cut her pull-ups off her. 

Even in doing that, she was in extreme pain. More so then ever. I was able to get her on her side to slip the new diaper on her. I feel so bad doing it, for the pain and fear on her face saddens me so. It is something that I have to do, and so, I suffer through it. 

I tried the morphine to see if it would help, and it didn't. Now I don't know if she just remembers the pain and is afraid that it will hurt just as bad, I don't know. One thing I did observed was it made her very sleepy. 

Something else is her eating. She just chews and chews, and so it takes time to get her to finish a meal. As if feed her, she gets chipmunks cheeks. She pushes the food to one side, and then takes another bit. So, from now on, I'll wait for her to finish what she has before I give her more. 

The bed and chair came, and the young man that brought it was very nice, then again, if I'm nice, people seem to be nice back. For me, it was a welcomed distraction from caring for Sweetie. 

He had to return to get a couple of parts that were missing or broken. We chatted while he set up the bed, went over how the bed worked, and the controls. Nice kid. 

When it came time to move Sweetie, I believe the morphine was wearing off, so I gave her some more, and waited for it to go to work on her. 

It didn't seem to help, so we struggled through getting her out of bed, in the chair, and wheeled out to the new bed. She cried out with any jerking of the chair, and was full of fear when she was moved to the new bed. 

Not sure on how she will take to sleeping away from me, so that will be watched by me very closely. 

No another front, because of her not able to join me on my evening meetings, I have asked her kids to come a sit with her while I make my meetings. The response is, so far, as I'd expect. Two that I know would be willing stepped right up, Still waiting for the third, and to tell you the truth, I don't have much hope in that one. 

It seems that we are headed for some difficult parts of this Road To Dementia Town. The skies seem more cloudy then yesterday, and Driver seems more careful these days. As we try to Keep Our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless. Arthur.

Just together.

 

Day 2 of being on Hospice. Not sure on how I feel today, it is yet to begin. We have had a busy day. 

Have ordered a chair of Sweetie, on that will give us mobility. It is not a wheel chair, in the sense that it doesn't have the big wheels, just one that can be used to when she can't walk. 

The meds for the UTI seem to be having some affect on her. She is getting relaxed. 

I can tell that she is lonely laying in bed. She doesn't say anything, it is just her eyes are talking to me. How they brighten when I come in, and seem to loose that when I leave. 

Before, she would have the TV to keep her company when I would leave her. Even for just a few moments to do something in the house, she had something to occupy her time. 

In her bedroom, on her bed, she has nothing to help keep her company. We have an Alexia that I kept on my office. Brought it out and set it up in Sweetie's bedroom. Now, at least she has music to listen to. 

As for me, I'm about to do something that I haven't done in years. Before Dementia, at bed time, Sweetie and me would lay in bed and read. Read books, my periodicals, and whatever was the flavor of the night. She was the one that got me into reading at night, and I miss it. 

Now that she is confined to the bed, I now have time to read. It isn't that we are talking all the time, it is just that we are together. Just together and that seems enough for her. 

I was given permission to use morphine on her to help relieve her pain while moving her or changing her. The nurse is coming over today to show me how to use it. 

We are also getting a hospital bed for her. Because she won't move, she is in danger of getting bed sores, and this bed is designed to help her. It is also going to be set up in the living room, so we can enjoy each other while watching TV. 

As we enter this stage of our journey, we seem to be having a smaller world in which we live in. Before, we were active, and had things to do to pass the time away. Time with being outside, time with walking and holding hands, time with seeing the kids and grandkids. Time to be outgoing. It seems that that time has passed. 

Her decline came so quickly, or I was just blind to how she was failing. As I think back on it, I see that her pain was growing, and I just didn't want to see it. Until now, while looking back, this day was approaching and I didn't want to see it. Well here we are, and now we wait. 

The Road to Dementia Town seems to be heading towards its finial destination. There are changes in the scenery, and signs that we are drawing close to our destination. Don't worry, for we will still be Keeping Our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless. Arthur.   

Hospice.

The day begins.

Yesterday was a huge day for us. Decisions were made, a new attitude made its way into my thinking and attitude. Yesterday went from wondering and worrying to help and relaxation. Yesterday was the day we went on Hospice. 

Tuesday

After my morning meditation, meeting, and talking with my sponsor, I went to get Sweetie up. I hoped that she was more like herself, smiling, open, and ready to get out of bed, she wasn't. 

Seeing that she was wet, and the pad was wet, I had to change her. It was a struggle. She cried out every time I moved her. Not giving in to her cries, I got her off the bed. Took off her wet pants, got her dry ones on, and exchanged the sheet. Then the struggle to get her back into bed. 

After that, I was on the phone, looking for the doctor that we had come to visit her. Found him, and made arrangements for him to come over for a visit. 

He did his checks, and suggested that we start to see if she can go on hospice, and at the same time, he would write a prescription for some antibiotics, just in case she has a UTI. Told him that our family doctor wouldn't write a prescription without a urine sample and he said if we waited for that, it would be a long time and delay the process. 

As the day went on, I got the medicine, ran into a old friend, got words of encouragement, home to an appointment with a nurse and diagnoses and evaluation of Sweetie's Dementia. 

To make this short, as of yesterday, Sweetie is now on hospice. It doesn't mean that she is near leaving, it is just that she and I qualify for extra help. 

There are now some new outcroppings on the horizon as we travel down this Road to Dementia Town. As dark as the clouds can make the day, there is still places where we can Keep Our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless. Arthur.     

 

Tears.

 Sunrise, a new day.

This isn't fun anymore, it is the long Good Bye coming to an end. Sure, she is still in bed, still able to open her eyes, looking at me with those lifeless eyes, not knowing where she is, or who I am. 

Monday

After a good night sleep, I was expecting Sweetie to be charged up, and ready to get the day going. I was so wrong. 

She smiled when I waved to her from the door. Took that as a good sign. She seemed to know who I was, and with a dose of CBD, we chatted. Left and returned to get her up and to the potty. 

She didn't want to move, and every time I tried to get her to move, she cried out in pain, and fought against me moving her. I kept going and was able to move her legs to the side of the bed. 

Encouraging her to stand, to walk, she made her attempts. I kept holding her, and guiding her to the bathroom. We had just got out of the bedroom and into the bathroom, when she went down. That was as far as she was going, and I couldn't help her. 

I ended up calling the city non emergency line, and they sent firemen out to help me get her back to bed. They checked her out, and she was healthy as her heart, blood pressure, etc were concerned. Going strong. 

After they left, I went to work on how to get her fed and watered, and to change her pull-ups. 

It was like that all day, she didn't or couldn't get herself out of bed, and wouldn't let me help. 

Towards the end of the day, I call my son and told him what was going on. I also called my younger step daughter, and she asked, then told me she was coming over. 

Big strong me, told her that it wasn't necessary for her and her fiance to come over, she insisted. After she hung up, I couldn't help myself, I broke down and cried. Not just a whimper cry, and broken tears streaming down my face, out loud, from the bottom of my heart, painful, lonely sobs. The dam just couldn't hold them back anymore. I needed to let them flow. 

When they arrived, I was better, and she went end and talked with her mom. Her fiancé and me took off to KFC so I could get something for dinner. 

Got the mac and cheese as sides, thinking that I'd use that to feed Sweetie with. It was the right thing to get, she ate until she couldn't eat anymore. I let her daughter feed her while I talked with her man. 

After they left, I spent time with Sweetie, then waited for her to go back to sleep, and then joined her. 

Driver had to use the window wipers this day, as we traveled the Road to Dementia Town. It seems that I'm seeing more signs about our destination more than before. New challenges, new situations, new answers, and that is life. Yet, then again, we are still able to find times when we can Keep Our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless. Arthur.

  

A scary day.

When I used to do taxes.

One of my plans, that didn't work out, was to  do taxes after I retired. I thought it would be a good way to make some extra money. With it we could travel for the rest of the year. It was good for a short while, and as you all know, it wasn't going to work out at all. 

Like most of the things that I've planned for, or sought to prevent, never happened. For what we couldn't see down this Road to Dementia Town, was the destination we were heading for. 

As of now, I'm glad I tried all that I did, and at the same time, I'm sorry for all the time that I left my Sweetie home alone. 

If I wasn't running out of the house to deliver pizzas, it was either to take a class on taxes, or from December to April to do taxes, or to a meetings. I was always on the move, and that left her by herself. If anything, I'm making up for that now. 

At the same time, I am the one that is being left alone. Not in the physical sense, for she is with me, it is the emotional and spiritual side that is wanting. And there isn't anything we can do to get that back. 

Sunday

With nothing on the calendar, letting her sleep. Knowing that I'll have to put her in the shower when I get her up. 

Last night, before we went to bed, she had another big BM, and I cleaned her up as best as possible, just to get her to bed. So, I knew that was ahead. 

When I went in to get her, she was laying half in bed, and half out. She wasn't ready to get up, so I put her back into bed and left. 

When I did go to get her up, she didn't want to get out of bed. When she did get up, she was a weak as a kitten. Could barely walk, and I had to half carry, half lead her to the potty. 

That is where I found she had another large movement. Things were not looking good, as the shower goes, but for the movements, it is a good thing. Messy, but good. 

There wasn't anyway I was going to get her in the shower at this time, and she was very droopy on the potty to the point that I didn't want to leave her by herself. 

Talking to her, telling her I was going to get her some water, she seemed to understand. Quickly I retrieved a glass, and made her drink it down. 

Got her clean enough to put her to bed, again. I let her sleep. 

Next time, late in the afternoon, I got her up, and she was better. Not her old self, but better. She was good enough that with much help and encouragement, was able to get her in the shower, and non too soon. 

Clean, dressed, we sat on the couch and watched movies. She sat and napped the whole time. When she would wake up, I had a glass of water, with a straw for her. She drank it dry. We also had a sandwich and some cookies. 

Every time she needed to stand up, she needed help. After sleeping through a couple of movies, it was time to put her back to bed. Again, she seemed to have just enough energy to make it back to bed. Helped her crawl in, and she was out. 

I stayed up for awhile, and when I went to bed, she was laying there, awake, and happy that I was joining her, and with holding her hand, we went to La La land. 

It was a scary day for me. I thought Sweetie was going to be getting out of the car. I wasn't sure what was going on with her. Driver just kept His eyes forward, as we drove down the Road to Dementia Town. I felt that at anytime He would pull over, and let her out. It was then, I realized, I wasn't ready for her to leave me. She didn't and she stayed in the car till the evening came. With all the stress of the day, we were still able to Keep Our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless. Arthur.      

 

Houselight hunters.

Sweetie loves lighthouses.

 When we were planning our vacation to Oregon, the one thing that excited her more than anything, were the lighthouses. She wanted to see as many as she could. We became lighthouse hunters. When we were there, they were easy to find. And I do believe that we found all of them. 

Some of them were well preserved, and they were tended by Snowbirds from Arizona. Seniors that wanted relief from the Arizona hot summers, and they would volunteer to watch over them. 

It was a misty dream, that we would do something like that, but that never happened. You needed a big motor home and planned to stay the whole summer. That was one of our many plans of what to do when we retired. 

Saturday

It is my first freedom day in two weeks, and I'm ready for it. With loosing one of my caregivers, I quickly found out how precious these days are. 

My lady likes me to leave Sweetie in bed until she gets here. That way she can potty and bath her. This morning Sweetie had a better idea, she got up all by herself. 

I quickly got busy and put her on the potty, knowing that Lady was coming soon. 

Her timing was right on. Brought her up to speed, and was out of there. 

Heading for the course, wondering just how well, if at all, I was going to play. Still in pain, but livable levels. 

It is a beautiful day, cool, but not cold, light clouds, with a great deal of sunshine. A good day to be out on the course. Played better than I thought I would, did manage to protect my par per game streak. Took me to the 9th hole to get it, but I did get one. 

I have a chore to do. I told my buddy that I would get him some chocolate and a card for his Valentine. He is so much of a controller, and I know that about him, and when he didn't get what he wanted in the time he wanted, he was on the phone. I told him it would get done today. No biggie for me. 

Got Sweetie, made it to the mall, got the box of dark chocolate, a card, and wrapping paper. 

Now for the fun part. I left the card, wrapping paper on the car, and drove off. Upon arrival, I discoverd what happened. Told him, and went to get other card and stuff. Found a sweet card, and when I read it to him, he liked it. Yea!

Part two, or three? My radiator covers were delivered, and with that, we were off to son's house. He and I planned on working on Tweety together, to install the covers. 

It took us almost 3 hours to get the job done. Sweetie didn't want to go into the house, so I let her stay in the car. Where she took a nap. It worked out for the best, that way I knew where she was at all times. 

Home again to finish the day. First thing I did was give her some Happy Medline, and potty her. 

After that, it was dinner time, used the soup from last Sunday. Then dessert, and watched "Up" again, and "Monster's University". Then to bed we went. 

Found a position that relieved my pain, and the next thing I knew, I was out. What a great day it was. 

We got on a long good stretch of Road to Dementia Town today. Driver got us going today. A fun day, and day of challenges, of getting things done, a day of accomplishments. All the while, we were Keeping Our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless. Arthur.  

Footsteps.

Used to be a crewman on this bird.

While I was in the Navy, I was assigned to a helicopter squadron, Helicopter Combat  Support Squadron 1. It was here that I volunteered to be a Rescue Air Crewman. I felt that I was following in the footsteps of my Grand Pop, and Uncle, who were aviators during WWII. 

How did I get to where we are today? Is it time that brakes you down, or does it prepare you for what you are going to be. 

My caring for Sweetie didn't come naturally, or did it. I do know that when we noticed her decline, I was at a fork in the road, as they say. Back then, I had a chance to run away, to get as far as I could from her and what she would go through, whether I was with her or by herself alone. I chose the former. 

Trust me, I did have that decision to make. 

I chose her and the struggles we would have and to face them together. Once I made that decision, there wasn't any way of turning back. We would face what was ahead together. You know, once I made that decision, it felt good and the way became clear. 

Friday

After spending much of the night sitting and sleeping on the couch, I awoke with a additional ache, a stiff shoulder. Just great, another pain to deal with. 

With the pain up around an 8, I was determined to do something about it. So, I started my stretching, and rowing. Not much, just enough to allow my muscles to get warmed up. 

As the morning goes, it is time to get Sweetie up, just because I know she is awake, and she needs to eat, and be with me. 

That is about what the day was like, up and be with each other. As we sit, and watch, I am content. She fills me up with her presence and I am not alone. 

Remembering how my choice in movies upset her, I made plans to watch fun movies. So, we watched "Big", Tom Hanks earlier movie, then "Hotel Transylvania". Sweetie liked both of them, and then it was time for our game shows. 

Being that it is Friday, and we have a meeting to go to, we had dinner earlier then normal. Which meant we had dessert before we left. 

We had a wonderful time at the meeting. 

When we got home, got prepared for bed, and under the covers we went. Sleep was soon upon us, and it was welcomed. 

Another day, and some more miles down the Road to Dementia Town we went. We are having our little bumps along the way and we take them in stride. For after all there isn't anything we can do about the road conditions. As long as we can Keep Our Shiny Side Up, most of the time, is all that we can expect. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless. Arthur.