Easter Eggs abounded.

Fennel sheets are not that far away.

I'm better today, I've been able to right my ship, and head to calmer waters. 

It seems that fall is upon us. Yesterday was cool compared to what it has been. I've wanted to get into the front and pull some weeds with Sweetie's help. We were able to accomplish what needed to be done. With most of my attention on the task at hand, and a wherry eye on Sweetie, we got a blanket out and sat down and pulled weeds. I even broke into a sweat, something that isn't done now a days. 

Did I tell you about my creation of Albacore Macaroni Salad? Something I like, easy to do, and keeps forever. I needed something in the refrigerator that is easy, and Sweetie would eat. As a boy, I was raised on tuna, since then I discovered Albacore, so much better. Anyway, watching a cooking channel, I got this idea. For the dressing, I use 1 cup mayonnaise and on cup sour cream, with 2 tablespoons sweet pickle relish, a little S&P to taste, mix it together with a whip, and after assembling the macaroni, celery, carrot, and Albacore, pour the dressing in and mix. The sour cream/mayonnaise mixture doesn't absorb into the mac and it stays moist. Best of all, Sweetie likes it and will eat it. 

Easter Eggs abounded yesterday with the yard work, the meals, and a visit to our son's new home. The boys were there, mom and dad were out getting more stuff for the house. Just stayed for a little, just to say "Hi", and off. 

Driver sure set me up for a good day, and it was nice. Sweetie was her sweet self, and I enjoyed her company. We talked about it as He drove us down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. Thanks for letting me cry on your shoulder. Take care, Keep your Shiny Side Up. Love Ya and God Bless. 

   

Frustrations.

Us. 

What a morning it has been. I got up and my IP wasn't working. No internet, no connection, after making numerous attempts to resolve it on my side, I just gave up. Frustration is not a good thing for me. I tried everything, to the point of using 2 other computers, my phone, and finally giving up realizing I would have to wait, and I hate waiting. 

This morning was allowing me to unveil  my pent up frustrations with caring for Sweetie. I can't get mad at her, and I can't get mad at God, even though He has broad shoulders, it doesn't do me any good. It doesn't change anything, Sweetie had Dementia, and I have Sweetie. If I didn't go crazy every now and then, I'd be crazy being happy all the time. I'm happy I can come here and look at what I'm saying, because I can pour out my frustrations here. 

It has been over a year since I've had time, real time, without her. Everything from the Corona Virus, to being stuck in the house, to helping Sweetie with all her tasks, the cooking, the feeding, the bathing, and I get tired. She is still asleep and I've been up for awhile. I feel that these days are like a prison sentence. I'm free to do anything I want as long as I take Sweetie with me. Its like being the big brother and I have to take my little sister with me. Nothing become enjoyable. 

Today is not a good shiny side up day. It may turn out better then it has started. I realize just how fragile I am, how easy it is to become unhinged. God, I miss my wife, my lover, my friend, and Sister in the Lord. 

My Driver knows how I feel, and I know that "this to will pass." He knows I need to cry and he has done the same. For the shortest verse of scripture, "He wept". So why shouldn't I? For the tears can be used to wipe away the hurt, so the Shiny Side can be seen. As we go, Down the Road to Dementia Town. Anyone got a hankie? Love Ya, and God Bless.   

 

 

Bare Foot Contessa.

Sweetie loves Rainbows, God's Promises. 

Its Saturday, and if I was still working, I'd be putting another work week to bed. Since I now have 6 Saturdays and one Sunday, that saying no longer applies. Yesterday was my solo day, and I'm always wondering just what will I come home to. 

I was told, and am finding out, that because I get a different person to watch Sweetie, there are different situations that I come home to. I'm just happy that I don't get a call from the caregiver that Sweetie has gotten away, or that something bad has happen. I keep adding to my list of things to tell them before I leave. One of the stupidest, in my opinion, don't park in the driveway. They are coming to my home so I can leave, and when they park in my driveway, how can I leave? Going to have to put this in the notes of my account, so they don't park there. 

I came home to find Sweetie had locked herself in my office. She was so happy and relieved when she heard my voice, and came out. Today, I will not leave her side, and we will just spend the day together, maybe even working in the yards. Sometimes I feel so sorry for what she is going through. 

Sweetie is fading more, and in just a short time, she is loosing more and more of her memory. Putting dishes away after dinner is where I see it the most. Even in eating, she is finding it hard to feed herself. When I put my feet up on the ottoman, she will ask if she can do the same. Then after she takes her shoes off, she keeps looking for them, and then will put them back on. She used to be a Bare Foot Contessa, now she has to have slippers, flipflops or some type of shoe on. So sad. 

Sad times are what my Drive specializes in. Not to bemoan them, but to lift me out of them. He knows that there are Easter Eggs in those sad times, and He will show them to me. We talk about sad times, and how they will in the future become part of the neckless of joys that Sweetie will wear someday. I can take joy in those thoughts. Such a skilled craftsman my Driver is, making diamonds out of lumps of coal. As we head on Down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Diamond Bright Shiny Side Up. You following us? Just look for the bright car, and Keep Your Shiny Side Up. Love Ya and God Bless.   

Her change of attitude.

I love this picture of Sweetie. 

Going to talk about something that may seem unseemly, and it has to do with Sweetie and her personality. Its her bowel movements. I've heard of many of those with Alzheimer's and Dementia, deal with diarrhea, with Sweetie, it is almost like a constipation. 

I've mentioned her change in attitude, her argumentativeness, well it all changed yesterday. She finally had her huge movement and she is a different person. She will be OK for the next couple of days. Then she starts this slow dribble of poop, and then she will wake up to very large movement, and have another one later in the day. Because of the simple fact that she doesn't know how to push, it takes time for her to do what her body has to do. I know that with what has happened she will be softer now for awhile. 

Today is my free day. A caregiver is coming over and I'm fleeing the house. Heading for the golf course, of course, to walk and play golf. To yell and curse as the bad shot, to act like a pro winning the Masters on the good shots, and not worrying how Sweetie will react. Walking the course is the biggest part of being alone. Need to work off the excess energy.  

Tell you what, Driver wants me to slow down a little. Walking the course will help me do that. If I don't have all that energy stored up, I won't be nervous and feel I have to do anything. Life with Sweetie, Driver and me can be either a braded lock of hair, or a snarled tangled mess. My daily ride-a-longs with Driver helps me comb out the tangles, and create wonderful brads. He shows me where the Easter Eggs are when I miss one. He is so good. Not only that, He Keeps our Shiny Side Up, so I know I'm doing OK, not perfect. For I still have a long ways to go on the Road to Dementia Town. You on for the journey? Traveling down the Road to Your Dementia Town destination? Keeping Your Shiny Side Up. Love Ya, and God Bless.      

Merry-Go-Round.

Two of my favorite women, Sweetie & DIL. 

Life is moving in a direction that is new for me and Sweetie, and yet it is a return to an earlier time. She is getting standoffish, moving away from me, my touch, and showing affections. Normally, we sit on the couch and I put my hand on her thigh, then she puts her hand on mine. We'll sit like that for hours. 

I know that things are going weird when she doesn't respond with her hand. Usually I can encourage her to return the gesture. Lately, she just gets obstinate and even a little argumentative. 

She has begun the pull away. If  she has anything in her hands, and if I try to take it away from her, she pulls her hand away from mine, and whatever I'm trying to get her to do, turns into a argument of wills. I'll say, the spoons go over in that drawer, and it is as if she didn't hear me, and more than likely she didn't understand what I just said. So, we start it all over again, and if I just point to the spoons, she pulls them away from me and tells me that I didn't tell her anything. At that point the Merry-Go-Round has begun. We're moving into another level of her Dementia. 

Last night, this behavior and trying to get her in the correct bed is playing uproar with me. So far it is only a few nights a week, but I think it will become a nightly battle. It just breaks my heart to see her go from a very mad and argumentative woman, to one that is crying because she doesn't understand what is going on, and all she wants is to go to bed. 

Man, I need some time alone with my Driver today. I was drained emotionally last night. He knows just what to do. There is a small turnoff to a restful spot, I think we are going there today. I can just relax and renew my soul with Him there. Then it is back into the car as we speed our way down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. Who knows, maybe you need a time of rest and renewal, maybe we'll see you at the rest stop. Just keep on motoring down the Road to Dementia Town. Keeping your Shiny Side Up. Ahhh, rest for now. Later, Love Ya and God Bless.  

Didn't make it.

                                             My Sweetie Pie. 

Guess I should start out, we didn't make it to the Zoo yesterday. We were getting ready to head out, when she suddenly complained of a headache and wanted to lay down. Who am I to get in the way of such desires? So, down she went. 

The Bio-Park tickets are set for times of entry. They don't want a large number of people going in at one time, the social distancing thing, and because Sweetie's headache, we missed our entry time. I didn't try to push it, hoping that we could still get in, we'll just try another day. 

The rest of the day went fine, we did play on the golf course, and went over to see our son's new home. We felt privileged to be the first to see their new home. 

That was our day, and it was good. Driver had set me up for it. Don't know the reason for not going to the Zoo, that is a discussion for a different time. As of now, we are getting it done, one day at a time. He is sitting behind the wheel, humming a tune, and as always, smiling. He cares about Sweetie as much as I do, and with that, He cares about me. I am to Sweetie as He is to me. To be the example of His love to someone who doesn't know is an amazing thing. Now, of course, His smile is getting bigger, for I'm grasping just a little understanding of love without conditions. Yet, more is to come, as we drive down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. See you at the next stop. Keeping your Shiny Side Up. Love Ya and God Bless. 

 

Going to the Zoo.

Take us out to the Ball Game. 

Dig, dig, and dig, and look what I found. Did I tell you that I am, we are, Angel fans? My fondest sports memories were at baseball games. My grandfather used to pick me up and we would head for Wrigley Field at Los Angeles to watch the LA Angels play AAA baseball. I grew up an Angel fan, and Sweetie shared my passion for the game. We had season tickets for 11 years and saw many a game. She had Ram's football season tickets when we started dating, and those didn't last long. Sport fans we were. 

Yesterday while we were out, Sweetie began her swooning again. This time, I notice if I kept her walking, or moving, she seemed to be OK. I don't know what is going on with her. Could it be she isn't getting enough to eat, that her blood pressure is getting low, or just what, I'm not sure. 

Today, I'm planning on going to the zoo. Going to take plenty of Gatorade, applesauce, and anything else that might provide a quick source of energy. I'm hoping that with the zoo, she will find something new to walk and look at. 

After the zoo and after lunch, I'm going to take her to the golf course. Sounds strange, but, she can ride in the cart, and walk short distances. I know she likes the course and she can watch the birds, planes, and we talk. It is the best of both worlds. 

Both worlds, that is what my Driver is all about. He guides me through this world, and we travel down the Road to Dementia Town. He knows so much, and is there with the right advice for me, and for us. For He knows the love I have for Sweetie, and He is keeping it alive in me. The best example for me is the reminder to Keep your Shiny Side Up. Be the beacon to show my love for her. You too, are you driving with your Shiny Side Up, being the beacon to those who depend on you? As you travel this twisty, turning Road to Dementia Town. We'll see you at the next stop. Love Ya and God Bless.  

Pictures are meant to.....

Life was good. 

So glad I never took pictures of us when we were not in a good place. By that very idea, pictures are meant to reflect times of beauty, togetherness, loving moments. Times that I think will remind me of the good times, the rich times, times that words won't describe. Like this one. We were on a vacation trip back to California, where some much of our lives had been lived. We went, and did all the same things year after year, yet they never seemed to grow tiresome. It seemed that those special days were being imprinted on my heart for times such as these. Even when I went back by myself, I did those very same things alone, visited the same places, alone, and yet I wasn't alone. Sweetie was with me, every step of the way, every wave that I watched, with each grain of sand in my shoes, Sweetie was with me. 

As she is with me now. Her body and mind are failing, she is getting thinner and thinner, and I can see and hear in her voice how weak it is getting. When she talks to me, I have to strain to hear her, lean over and put my ear to her mouth. The words may not make any sense, it is the sound of her voice, her words, and the simple fact they are meant for me. Addressed to me, I am who she is talking to, and I must hear her voice. 

The only voice that is more important to me, is that of my Driver. He knows what I am feeling and can put an ease to my emotions. It is with courage that I get into the car each morning, to ride with Him, to listen to His wisdom, to prepare myself for the day ahead. I now only look to this day, and that is all. Sure, I can look for days down the road, but it is today that has the Easter Eggs hidden along the way. He will be there showing me where to look, and see how each is designed for those special moments. So, off we go, down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. Will I see you on that Road to Dementia Town? Keeping your Shiny Side Up? I hope so, until then, TTFN, Love Ya and God Bless.   

Simple Moments

Daily stuff we enjoyed. 

Sometimes I wonder why I took these pictures. Seemly simple stuff, like putting whip cream on a simple dessert. At the time, I cannot tell you why. Now? I can tell you that I miss those simple moments. The quiet moments of sitting next to each other, silently eating our desserts, and enjoying a show on the TV. 

Sweetie is beginning to show some resistance to my help. When I need to check her pullups, she starts asking questions on to why we are doing this. She will slap my hand away as I attempt to undo her pants. There are now phrases that I use to get her to allow me to do what I have to do. I'll tell her that I'm her caregiver, and that it is my job to check her out. She usually responds positively to that phrasing. Using caregiver and job seems to take the personal out of what we are doing. 

It is the same when I take her upstairs to go to be. She wants to head right to bed, without getting her "ready" for bed. The hardest part is to put her overnight pad in her pullups. Once I convince her it needs to be done, it is over in seconds and she is off to bed. 

Last night was one of her "don't get near me" nights. She kept moving my hands away from her. We go through this about once a week, most of the times we kiss and say good night. I know that even that will go away, so I enjoy each and good night kiss I get from her. 

Like Driver's words, they seem like kisses on my heart. For He is the one that is whispering to me, that my treasures are in heaven waiting for me. And when I get there Sweetie will be whole once more. I feel like I'm doing a living amends to her for all the crap I put her through earlier in our marriage. He says that isn't true, it is just all the love I have for her pouring out, and He also tells me that I will never run out of that love, for it comes from Him. Everyday, on our drive to Dementia Town, He is refilling me. He needs to Keep the Shiny Side Up so He can have all the light He needs while He is pouring His love into me, so I can pour it out onto Sweetie. So, if you see that I am all wet, you know why. Down the Road we go, all the way to Dementia Town, you coming? Gotta keep Your Shiny Side Up. See you on the Road, Love Ya and God Bless.     

Sweetie sleeping more.

Just Disneyland. 

Last night was something new. There is a restaurant/brewery across the street from our house, and they came up with the grand idea of having a live band perform out in their parking lot. That was all well and good except it sounded like there was a party going on in my back yard. If I didn't know better, and I don't, it sounded like the speakers were pointed at our home. The only good thing was they only played for 2 hours. Did not make sleeping any better. It kept both Sweetie and me up. 

Moving day wasn't moving day. As it turns out, there is a fly in the plans and the owners of the home that my son was supposed to be moving into didn't happen. Needless to say, he was just upset as could be. He doesn't suffer fools well. The owner of their home didn't want to rent it to them for a week, because of the CV19 non eviction law and felt if the deal fell through, she wouldn't be able to evict them. Fear, it is such a crippling emotion. He's about ready to back out of the deal and start it all over again. I feel for them. 

Sweetie's energy levels are dropping, and it is just another stage of the disease. Sleep, I've been told will increase as Dementia grows. It will be a whole new day because of the simple fact she couldn't sleep until the band stopped playing, and that was at 9. It might as well been midnight. I'll just let her sleep this morning. 

Gotta go, Driver is waiting, and I need the refreshment time with Him. We're going to have a slow cruise day, not much speed, just take it easy. Watching the scenery go by, looking for Easter Eggs, and enjoying the ride. As we Travel down the Road to Dementia Town. You'll know us, 'cause we'll have our Shiny Side Up. Come cruise with us, down the Road to Dementia Town, showing off your Shiny Side. God Bless and Later for now. 

The zoo.

5 years ago. 

Yesterday didn't get all the things done like I wanted to do. Instead, we went to the zoo to find out what happened to our renewal. Finding that the park and bio park are now open on a limited bases, I was ready to have someplace new to go.  

We ended up paying again for the renewal, the zoo can use the money because of the lose of income because of the CV19 shutdown. I didn't mind, a donation if you think about it. 

Its been getting hot here lately, over 100 degrees in the afternoon, so walking with Sweetie at the zoo wasn't a good idea. We had just started when she complained about it being hot, and we left as quickly as possible.

A note about the zoo. While talking with the person about our renewal, I mentioned that it would be nice to have a family restroom available. The lady told me that the director has been getting comments about that exact issue. She said that the restrooms in the front of the zoo were going through some major remodeling, and we both are guessing that there will be a family restroom when they work is done. 

I guess the day was a little too long for Sweetie because she went to bed early. So, I got to stay up and watch some of my TV. I'm planning on taking her to the zoo this morning, while it is cool. Golf is cancelled today, the city is having a tournament and all the carts are being sent to the course that is holding the event.

We are also going over to the son's house. Today is moving day for them, and I want to find out where the new home is, what better way then helping them move. I don't know just how much of a help Sweetie and me will be, but to be at the start will be a fun note. 

Moving day, with my Driver, it is always moving day. We get to move from house to car to on the Road to Dementia Town. Is this going to be a fast pace day, or a slow meandering cruise? Only my Driver knows for sure. It begins with Sweetie awakening and ends when we head for bed. There is only two things that are known, a beginning and an end, in-between anything is possible as we head down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. You too, keep between the lines, and Keep your Shiny Side Up. Ta Ta for now, Love Ya and God Bless.     

Shrinking.

@Knott's Berry Farm.

How times have changed. Sweetie was still so alive just a few years ago, to who she is today. She is becoming so frail these days. Lately she has been telling me that she isn't any good any more. And I keep telling her that she is fine. That we are both growing older and forgetful. I think she knows I'm not telling her the truth. It wouldn't matter if I did, she'd soon forget what I told her, and we'd be back on that merry-go-round again. 

She is becoming more fearful to be left alone. One of the comments about an earlier post said that she was afraid of loosing me. It makes sense. Fear and uncertainty must be taken into consideration. I know physically, her brain is shrinking along with the fact that it is dying, and that she must know the things that made her feel safe are disappearing. I can see it in her face when we are talking, and I tell her that she is safe with me, that I'll take care of her, that I'll love her no matter what. I can see the relief come over her, she'll look at me and tells me "I love You." We're good again. 

Been looking at our kitchen and all the dishes and cookery we have. I think today will be a Goodwill day. After golf and lunch, I will load up a box of some of those extra dishes and stuff and head for the Goodwill drop off. Then off to the mall for a walk about. Going to attempt to get in 3 laps today. We've gone from 4 to 2 laps, and I'm pressing to get a third lap in. Wearing these masks for the CV19 doesn't help either. A distraction at best, pain in the ass at least. She worries that she isn't wearing it right, and then she can't breath very well with it on. 

Driver is here and it is time for us to get going. I know I've got some concerns to talk to Him about. There is always that one big question, and the same answer, when it is time. Today forward seems like an eternity, but when I look back, it seems like a short time ago. I like to plan, and Driver tells me to trust. The future is in His hands, not mine and so it goes, as we travel the Road to Dementia Town, He knows the way, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. I'll be watching for you as you travel down your Road to Dementia Town, Keeping Your Shiny Side Up. Take care, Love Ya and God Bless.   

Still a Team.

My co-worker. 

Sweetie was the inspiration to get things done around the house. She was a painter, a planter, and weed puller, and she was the one that drove the improvements for the curb appeal of the house. 

Now, when it come time to do yard work, she will give it a try and then go and find some shade, sit and watch. Except when I'm mowing the lawns, she wants to help. She isn't strong enough to handle the mower by herself, so I give her room on one side of the mower and we push through the grass. I don't know what she is thinking about when we do this, for me it is nice to have her with me. I'm enjoying this task and will put them in my memory box for when the times come when she will no longer be able to help. 

It is like at the grocery store. pushing the basket isn't the same anymore. She needs to be part of what is going on, and pushing the cart is something she can do. Love letting her help, makes me feel like we are still a team. 

Time to team up with my Driver. I think we'll have a light day of driving today. Yesterday was so good that we should be having a celebration of Blessings today.  That would be hymns and loud joyful noise coming out of the car as we motor down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. Hope you can join us with your loud joyful noise this morning as you travel your Road to Dementia Town, remembering to Keep your Shiny Side Up. Love Ya, and God Bless.  

New every morning.

At the zoo. 

I listen to hymns as I write these post. Right now the choirs of "New every morning" is playing. I have to ask myself, just what is new this morning? What will be different? I know that Sweetie won't be waking up with all her memories, that she will want to go with me, eat with me, and sit with me until Dementia gets bored. 

As of now, we have a good schedule during the week days. Wake, breakfast, golf, lunch, a little TV, drive to the mall and walk some, home and dinner, TV and bed. The next morning, repeat. 

Somethings are getting harder to do. As an example, brushing her teeth, each morning she is a little bit harder to get her to brush. I've found that if she cannot understand the words, that being an example of what she is to do, it makes it easier for her to follow. 

I can remember the days when Mr. Sundowners would show up and she would storm around the house trying to get out, and me playing shepherd dog, keeping her in. That was before CBD and Stress lotion. I was hoping for the days when her mobility would slow down. Now, I'm so grateful that she is mobile. When I think of all the things that we can do still, what a blessing. 

Another blessing is what I found out at my support group meeting. The men that can no longer be with their wives. The isolation of the wives to prevent Covid 19 infections. I feel for them. 

My memory is fading even more with Sweetie. There are times when I'll lean over to get a kiss, and she backs away from me. It's like who are you and what are you trying todo. If I ask for a kiss, she is willing. I cannot get an impromptu kiss. 

With my Driver, there isn't any impromptu, all is known by Him. He is never surprised by what I tell Him about what has happened with Sweetie. He understands, and explains that more will be known at the end of each day. Love is the Key, and Willingness is the lock that will be opened by that key. As long as I stay willing, I will find Easter Eggs each and everyday. For it is a long journey as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. May you find those new every morning things as you travel down your Road to Dementia Town, Keeping your Shiny Side Up. Until our next meeting, Love Ya and God Bless.  

Good day all in all.

 Sweetie. 

Good morning all. Yesterday was a mixed bag of goodies. Over all, it was a good day. Because there isn't anything pressing on Sundays, I let Sweetie sleep in. There isn't any real need to get her up earlier then she gets herself up. I never know what she will put on before she comes down. There are times when she come down in her PJs, or most of the time she shows up in her jeans. The first thing we do is take her right back upstairs to the bathroom and change her pullups, and lately, putting us in the shower to wash her, We don't do her hair, just her body, and she seems to like it. 

As of now, I feel lucky that we haven't had any IUDs. I feel like the reason is because of my taking care of her hygiene. In my support groups, I've heard horror stories about their wives and IUDs. May later when I get more nonchalant about her, it might happen. As of now, I know she needs me to take care of her more and more. Even when she doesn't think she needs my help, I know better. 

Last night was one of those weird nights. Around 5 and before dinner, she started walking around the house, looking in each of he rooms and just wandering. I thought it might be a good time to walk around the neighborhood just for a little bit. That didn't do the trick. 

She wanted to go to bed, so, we went through the ritual of getting her ready, putting in her overnight pad, and then to bed, and down she went. 

I finished making dinner for myself, and put some away incase she got up. And she did. I was so glad that I had something for her to eat. She ate it all gone. We finished the evening watching some TV, and then to bed. It was a good day all in all. 

My good days always start with a drive. My Driver is aware of my state of mind, heart and knows my worries. It is best to get started on the right foot. The way for me, is to spend time with my Driver, sometimes just sitting quietly, and taking it all in. There is peace and I get to marinate in it while He is driving down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. How are you doing, is today a marinate day? What ever it is, just remember as you travel down your Road to Dementia Town, that you Keep your Shiny Side Up. Drive safely, take care, and remember I Love Ya, and God Bless.    

 

CBD

MMM whip cream.

Its Sunday Morning and here I am. Sometimes the only way I know which day of the week it is, is by what I watch on TV. As the days roll by, first by day, then weeks, then months and finally years. When I was working, at least the weekends were something to look forward to. Now it seems like I have 6 Saturdays and one Sunday. 

I had taken Sweetie off her CBD for the past two weeks. She has been acting very calmly and a joy to be with. In the last couple of days she has been getting cranky in the evenings, and so I gave her some Oil and put some of her Stress Relief lotion on her. She came very compliant and sat with me for the rest of the evening. I wonder if I had hit a time in her Dementia that she was mellowing out, or did she just have enough residuals left over from all the CBD that I have been giving her? Whatever the reason, she is going back on the CBD, I just like the way she is when she is on it. 

We had a good day yesterday, there wasn't much to say about it. We walked in the mall, took a long car ride, and had a good dinner and went to bed. When it came to folding the lanudry, she is always wanting to help, and yet every time I give her a article to fold, or hang up, she will always tell me she doesn't know how to do it, and yet her muscle memory starts to fold or hang the item. It can be something that could drive me crazy, and because of what I have learned, it is the disease, not Sweetie, that is complaining. Just encourage her, tell her what a great job she is doing, and hope for the best. 

The best, that is what my Driver is all about. The best we can be. Under pressure is where diamonds are made, and He keeps telling me that I'll be one of His jewels someday. I am so grateful for what I'm learning, and to put it all into practice. He helps me learn as I go. And go I must, for He is here to pick me up for another drive down the Road to Dementia Town. I know we will be out there, you can see us coming, because we will have our Shiny Side Up. I'll be looking for you too, as you Keep your Shiny Side Up. God Bless, and I Love Ya.  

  

So Happy to see me.

In the mountains. 

Found a picture that I don't think I've used before. I had volunteered to cook at a breakfast in the Jemez. It seems like a lifetime ago. Sweetie was showing signs of her dementia, but it wasn't bad. We had a good time, and did some small hikes while we were there. 

Yesterday was my support group meeting. We had 3 new men joining us. I heard the same stories that I've heard and told myself. The confusion, the loneliness, the concern of passing away and leaving the spouse alone. Tells of sundowners, and the slow decline of their mental abilities. More than likely only one of the men will continue to come and be helped by the group. 

When I got home, Sweetie was so happy to see me, we hugged and she wouldn't let go of me. I checked in with our caregiver and except for her opening the garage door to try and get out, everything was fine. I asked about checking her pullups while I was gone, she wouldn't let her near them. That was fine. 

After she left, I did my check up, and she was a mess. It was shower time, and this was the second shower of the day. I've begun to enjoy these showers, and by talking to her, telling her it is OK for me to touch her "there" softens her concern. I think it must be a built in emotional connection for a woman and her private areas and touching. By looking her in the eyes, a soft voice, telling her it is OK, she can relax and I can get the job done. 

Sweetie must of had a real emotional day yesterday, because around 5, she wanted to head to bed. I could tell she didn't want to stay up and bed sounded good. Down she went, and when I went up to join her, she was sound asleep and still is. 

I'm happy that I can get a good night sleep, and to be able to share that with my Driver in the morning. He knows that is something that I need to get through the day. And to get through the day starts with a drive on the highway to Dementia Town. Sometimes it is a short trip, then there are days when it never seems to stop. He knows the way, Him behind the wheel, me in the passenger's seat, sitting back and watching the sunshine bounce off the Shiny Side of the car. You can do this too, just smile, watch out for the pot holes, as we both head on down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Sides up. Love Ya and God Bless.  

 

Miss her everyday.

I miss you Sweetie. 

As I was looking for a picture for this mornings post, I just went over and over the pictures that I have used in the past and my heart began to weep. I miss her every day, then again, for no reason, the hurt is just a little bit more on days like today. For no reason, it is just a reminder of the ways that she was and will always be special to me. 

Yesterday was good. Because it was pizza day with the boy and his family and the last time in that home, it was special. Let Sweetie sleep in, because I wanted her to be hungry at lunch time. Took some applesauce with us and bought her a fruit cup. She even had a piece of pizza with all of that. Good eating for her. And then she had to go, to leave, for she was uncomfortable and wanted to go home. 

Needed to do some shopping, so we stopped at the grocery store on the way home. As we were shopping, she had an accident. She hadn't done that in a long time. Then when we got home, she had forgotten she wet her pants, and seemed befuddled at my urgency to change her. Once cleaned up, all is well.

I've noticed her lips are sometimes gray, or blue in the morning. I'm wondering if she is getting enough oxygen while she is sleeping, or when she gets up in the morning. Going to investigate it on the internet and if necessary make a doctor's appointment. 

That's about it for this morning, and my timing is just about perfect. I hear the car pulling into the driveway and that means, my Driver is ready for another day on the Road to Dementia Town. I've learned to listen, for His words are peaceful and full of wisdom. He knows where the beauty of the fields are, and when to show them to me. All the while, we are driving with our Shiny Side Up. You too, don't miss the beauty of the fields as they go by, on your Road to Dementia Town, Keeping your Shiny Side Up. Love Ya and God Bless.   

She doesn't know who I am.

Love of my life. 

When we were coming home from the golf course, I asked Sweetie if she knew who I was or my name. She didn't have any idea of who I was. I am now that familiar person who takes care of her and makes her feel safe. When I tell her that I'm her husband and my name, I can tell that she is pondering that idea, that she is married, and I am her husband. Then, sometime later during the day, she will tell me about her husband. 

Met one of the groundkeepers the other day. He made a comment about us and our holding hands. He thought it was such a loving picture. That we are together, and when when we met, I mentioned his phone call and asked if it was about scripture, and it was. Then he told me that he uses us, and talks about us, as an example of a loving couple. He is so impressed with us. It isn't me, or Sweetie, it is because of the way my Driver has shown me how to act, how to love, and to be the caregiver. Just goes to show you, you never know who is watching. 

Went to watch our DIL and youngest grandson participate in a belt promotion at their Taekwondo dojo. We had not been there to watch and it was fun. The 6 year old could really move, and he knew his stuff. The DIL, was very impressive too. The grandson earned a new belt, from green to blue, and DIL moved up a mark on her belt. Next year the oldest grandson will test for junior black belt. He cannot be promoted to black belt until he is 18, and had 2 years as a junior black belt. Truly, I was impressed. 

As you can imagine, with Sweeties loss of who I am, other things are going away too. She is still able to feed herself, but is always questioning me if what she is doing right. As it is now, the less choices she has, the better. Of course, her toileting is now just a place to clean her up, and change her pullups, gone are the body's signals that she needs to go. 

Today is pizza day with the kids. It will be the last one in the old house. They have bought a new home, or should I say, new to them and next month, we'll be having it in their new home. I'm excited for them. It will be big enough to have holidays at their home, which will move that family tradition to their home.  I knew that it would happen, and I'm so happy for them. 

Time for me to get going, Driver is here and ready to move out. I'm sure He will be having some good things to share, He always does. Down the Road to Dementia Town we go, driving with our Shiny Side Up, loving life as we go. That goes for you too, love life as you drive down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping your Shiny Side Up. Love Ya, See Ya, and God Bless. 

Her Smile.

Her smile. 

If there was just one thing that I will miss, it is her smile. It is radiant, and it isn't just her mouth, it is also her eyes. Just look at that smiling face, and tell me you see the joy that I see.

She is moving into a place of compliancy. It could be because of her shadowing phase, but we get along so well these days. If I go to any other room in the house, she has to follow me. It is somewhat of a relief that she wants to be with me because then she isn't trying to get out the door and wander the neighborhood. Speaking of that, I will be glad when the temperature begins to cool down. We can again walk the neighborhood in the afternoon. Don't know if boring gets into her mind, it does me and walking the mall has become more of a duty then a joy. A walk around the neighborhood will be a welcome change. 

Last evening, when Sweetie would sit down, she would complain about pain all over her bottom. I checked her and she was wet so I changed her liner. Later it happened again, and this time I did a better inspection, and she bottom was bright red. Poor thing. So, out came the A&D and a good coating on her bottom. It is hell for me when I don't read her right. I know she will be better this morning when I get her up. I make it a habit to use a wet towelette on her to make sure she starts the day out as clean as possible. 

Can't think of anything more to say this morning, and I need to spend sometime with my Driver. He's here, and waiting. Off we go, Down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. I'll be watching out for you, merging in the traffic of life, as you too head down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping your Shiny Side Up. Love Ya and God Bless. 

A, B, C's of Caregining.

 Standing on the edge of the continent. 

When we first started seeing each other and talking about our families. Sweetie would tell me about some of the things about her dad. One of them was while standing at the ocean's edge, he would say that they were standing at the continent's edge. Where the land ended and the ocean began. 

Sometimes I feel like that with Sweetie. We are at the point of I'm the only one that knows who she is. I'm standing on the edge of our marriage and am watching her sail away on the ship Dementia. She has started her cruise to Never-Never Land, and I'm on the beach watching her set sail, never to return to me again. 

She is talking less these days, and my needing to talk to her is waning. It is so difficult to say meaningful things to her. Yes, I do tell her about my love for her, and every now and then, when I just want to say something, I will, and she will try to make some appropriate response, but it doesn't make any sense to me. At the same time I know she is trying. 

Her ability to feed herself is decreasing. I now will help her load her fork and she will then put the food into her mouth. These stages are so slowly coming upon her, yet they are coming. She is becoming more comfortable with me checking her pullups for wetness, and at the same time, she isn't peeing that much. She is however loading up her overnights, so I know she is eliminating liquid from her system. I have to take the good with the bad, and with the good, I find Easter Eggs that feed my love for her. 

My Driver knows where those pesky situations are and He knows how to drive around them. I try as I can, but I don't know the way. So, I'm learning to trust. Trust and Obey, isn't that the way? He has gotten me this far. So far that I don't know myself anymore. The drive down the Road to Dementia Town has given me time to grow into the caregiver that I am. As we go, we sing, we watch for the beauty of the road, and He teaches. With that, class is in session for I hear the car pulling onto the driveway. Out the house I go, getting into the passenger's side, got my cool sunglasses on, buckled in and away we go. Down the Road to Dementia Town, with our Shiny Side Up. Be looking for you, as you drive with your Shiny Side Up. Learning the A,B,C's of caregiving. See Ya, Love Ya, and God Bless.   

A non returnable Love.

At Dad's place. 

What is there to talk about this morning? Not much. For you see, Sweetie slept most of the day away. She slept, or should I say, I let her sleep till noon, and then we went to the golf course so I could hit a some balls, walked in the mall and home. Where she immediately wanted to go to bed. That was around 5pm. She didn't insist that I go with her, so I got some down time. When I did go to bed, she was awake, or I woke her up, don't know which, we said our good nights, and back to La La land she went. 

In my support group, the men have talked about their wives sleeping up to 18 hours a day, near the end of their journey. I still think there are a number of stages that Sweetie hasn't been in yet, and again, Dementia is a very confusing disease, for it never acts the same way in every person. We just have to keep on a daily watch, while trying to live a life with some meaning to it. 

We have to wear masks when we are walking the mall, and that is something that Sweetie is having a difficult time with. She is always using me as to what she should be doing. It sometimes overwhelms her trying to keep the bandana in place. We also have disposable masks that are better for her in the mall. She will let it slip below her nose, and as if it is OK, and of course it is. I'm counting the days until we won't be able to walk the mall, because she is happy to go in, and almost as soon as we're walking, she wants to get out and home. This too is another stage of Dementia where the fear of outside, or away from the home is a frightening experience for them. 

As of now, there is just one voice that I listen to, and that is the voice of my Driver. He is the one that is helping me care for Sweetie in the loving and caring way that I do. You see, I am a very selfish man, I could never have taken on this role as caregiver to Sweetie as I have. It comes from somewhere outside of me, and over the years, I know now where that comes from. Its the daily drives that we have. I get refreshed, encouraged, and get the knowledge to know that love is the greatest of all. Faith, Hope and Love, and the greatest is Love. To show this love, a non returnable love, a non demanding love, was something that I never knew how to give. If there is one gift Driver has given me, it is to show and pour this love all over Sweetie and the only way to get more of this love is to give it all away. So, now it is time for me to head out and get into the car, cool sunglasses on, and Driver smiling. We're off, down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. If your a solo driver, maybe you can tune your radio in to the Driver's station, and catch some love for yourself. As you travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping your Shiny Side Up. TTFN, Love Ya and God Bless.   

Most favorite things.

 There are three of my most favorite things in this picture. Can you Guess? If you guess Sweetie, then you have the first one. What are the other two? Hint; location and headwear. 

I'm having problems with this new layout for the blog. I used to be able to put a caption under the pictures, now for whatever reason, that function isn't as easy as it was before. I'll keep working on it, and figure it out. 

There isn't much to talk about this morning. I let Sweetie sleep in, and it was noon when I went up to get her and she had just gotten up. Took the opportunity to get her into the shower, and cleaned up. Love the short hair, makes it so much easier to wash and then just towel dry. 

Two things that I've noticed lately. One, because I've been able to take her off her anti-anxiety meds, she is becoming more regular. Before, it was a waiting game for her to pass anything, and when she did, it was very large. Now, she is going more, and with that small movements. Which in my case, makes it much easier to keep her clean. Second, she is loosing weight. I weigh her once a month, and she has lost 3lbs. She is eating well, and it bothers me that she isn't maintaining her body mass. She is under 120lbs now, and on that note, I too am loosing weight. For me, I can afford the weight loss, for her, not so much. 

Sometimes, I think of the changes that have come so naturally for me. The idea that my job is to be a parent to a 75 year old child. That I have to check her pullups like a parent would check the diaper's of a child. And then do what needs to be done to keep her bottom clean. I guess I'm blessed because she used to fight me about doing it, and she just lets me do it. I tell her that it is my job to take care of her, and this is one of the things that I have to do. Gone are the fun times when pulling down her pants was leading to the joy of being her husband, now it is making sure she isn't red and sore. My how things have changed. 

That is what my Driver keeps telling me. Don't let your ego write checks that your body can't cash. In a gentle way, I'm being re-directed to my new role, and that is of a loving husband that cares more about caring for his life's partner, then his own self. That is my purpose in life now. He keeps telling me, that my treasure is growing and is waiting for me. But in the meantime, there is a road to travel, and so we do. Out the door, and into the car, and with a roar of the mighty engine, we're off. Down the Road to Dementia Town, wearing my cool sun glasses, and Keeping our Shiny Side Up. See you at the next stop, I'll know it is you, because you'll have your Shiny Side Up. Love Ya, and God Bless.   

Dementia and fainting spells.

 

Each day, when I get up, and return to my computer, it is a time to review the last day. The day in which I must search for something that is of value, not for me to remember, but will be interesting to you, the reader.

Living with Dementia gives me the material to write about. What should I expound upon today. Is it the golf game, the long nap, the cleansing shower, grocery shopping? Sweetie's attitude, her behavior, the giving of CBD as a preventative? 

All in all, we had a very good day. Started with a dose of CBD before we left for the day and one more just before bed time. Just felt like the right thing to do. She was just a little off and I knew it wouldn't hurt. 

After our round of golf, we stayed and talked with my old friend. Sweetie stood during this time. When we got to the car, she started fading and almost fainted. When I got her home, she went straight to bed and stayed there for 3 hours. When I went to check on her, she was laying in bed with her eyes open. I wonder if she is just waiting for me to come and get her. 

When we were in the parking area, I asked a lady to if she would return my cart, because I couldn't take the cart back and have Sweetie walk back to the car, and I couldn't just put her in the car and return. She agreed to take the cart back. At the same time, she was giving me suggestion on how to prevent Sweetie from having her fainting spells. Amazing what people think will help. I've learned to "Smile and Nod." They don't live with Dementia and what works for them, won't work for Sweetie. Good intentions are signs of trying to understand what I going on. 

Driver is teaching me how to be a good listener to those that want to help. There is always some clamor of those who care about others. I know I do it myself. Yet, on this Road to Dementia Town, there is enough road noise that can be distracting. Frustration isn't a virtue  that I can afford to have. The "smile and nod" reaction is enough. I can weigh the advice later, and see if it is helpful or practical. It is on these Road trips that we discuss the value of the information. One of the things I've learned, is what works today, may not work tomorrow, or next week or month. Dementia is always on the move, and that it is between me and my Driver as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. You too, Shiny Side Up. Love Ya, and God Bless.      

She was a happy camper.

 

I am having one heck of time this morning with the mechanics of the blog. I am fighting trying to get it to do what it has done in the past. I don't like change, and then when I get the change understood, it doesn't seem to work that way again. Sounds like it has a form of Dementia of its own.  

We're still on the none CBD mode, I was tempted to use some last night. She had her stone face on and was just ridged emotionally. When we got ready for be, I found out why.

Her bowel movements are not a normally timed event. She will have somewhat of pre bowel movement for several days. Leaving deposits in her pullups, and I have to clean her up. Then one morning, it will be the time she passes the big turd, and it is over for a few days. 

Yesterday's movement happened, and I thought it was done. She wasn't, because that night, I found out what she had been sitting on. In the shower, there it was, and her poor bottom was bright red. Washed her with warm soap and water to clean her up, and I could tell she was a happy camper. 

I had checked her during the day, and saw a spot on her pullups and didn't think too much of it. I beat myself up for not being more attentive to what was going on. Even the second time I checked her, the spot had not grown and again I discounted it. So for about 6 hours she was sitting on that which was irritating her and at the same time, she couldn't tell me what was wrong. I feel so stupid and I've learned a valuable lesson. See a spot, check it out. 

One good point is that she got two showers yesterday. At least she started and ended the day with a clean bottom. 

My Driver is always making me aware of the Easter Eggs that the day produces. That was one of them. Clean bottom. I know how I feel when I get out of the shower, clean as a whistle and there isn't anything that feels better. If you think that is good, just wait for the day to end, and see what is in your basket. Time to head down the Road to Dementia Town. Basket in hand, cool sunglasses on, and my Driver sitting tall and official looking behind the wheel, knowing the road ahead, we're off. Doing the speed limit, and as always, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. Come join us, I know I'll see you, because you too will have Your Shiny Side Up. Love Ya, and God Bless. 

Buffalo

 Family is important to me. 

I am so glad we were able to make this trip. I would like to make another one, but I think it would be pushing my luck. Not that we couldn't do the physical part, the drive, the new place to sleep, eating and all, its is it a necessary thing to do?

As it is now, Sweetie can ride in a car indefinably. She seems content to sit and watch the scenery go by. Just a note, last night, we took a drive and past a field and buffalo were out grazing. To the north of Albuquerque, is the Sandia Indian Reservation and I'm sure the buffalo were on Indian Property. I've seen buffalo before, but never this close to town. Got excited. 

Yesterday was another non CBD day. I'm not sure what is going on with her. She also went down for a nap after lunch for 3 hours. I woke her up, being afraid that she wouldn't sleep through the night. We were up later than normal, with the drive and all. Got to bed around 8:30 and she went to sleep easily enough. 

I have a doctor's appointment at the VA this morning, and will get her up as normal. Going to have to mask her while we are there and as long as I'm wearing one, she seems content to wear hers. 

After the doctor's appointment, we're going to head to the zoo and see if it is open. Went by it last night and didn't see any barriers up or signs saying it is still closed. I hope it is open and, if it is open, it will give us another destination when we want to get out of the house.    

Destination, is someplace to arrive at, Driver says it is the journey that is to be enjoyed. And that is what He is trying to teach me each day I get in the car with Him as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town. Yes, we have stops along the way, but we haven't arrived at our final destination yet. As long as Sweetie has breath in her, I'll be there to take care of her, and my Driver will be there to strengthen, and encourage me to do my best. As we travel down the Road to Dementia Town. Cool sunglasses on, and we are Keeping Our Shiny Side Up. Lets hear it for Keeping Our Shiny Side Up today. Gotta love it, Love you and TTFN, God Bless. 

Non CBD day.

@Disneyland, 2016.

Yesterday was another non CBD day. It is this new stage of her Dementia. I can't explain it, but she is calmer then normal. She is clinging to me more and more, which means less and less privacy. That went away many months ago. When we get gas for the car, I have to keep the back window down so she can, not only see me, but hear me. She almost gets into a panic when I'm not near her. 

When we are eating, she keeps saying that she doesn't know how to do it. She will struggle to get the right amount of food on her fork or spoon before she will take it to her mouth. I'll encourage her by telling her that it is OK, or to put it in her mouth, which she does. 

As I watch her eat, I wonder just what is going on inside of her brain. It seems so natural to feed yourself, and yet, what she does seems so unnatural. When she puts up her bowel with food still in it, I'll help by putting food on it, and offer it to her. She will take and finish the meal that way. 

Last night we had oatmeal for dinner, a quick and easy meal and I put brown sugar and butter on it. I had to mix it into her oatmeal because she didn't know what to do. Then it was too hot for her, and we had to let it cool down. That I know is something that I have to be careful about. Food Temperature. She is very sensitive to all temperatures. Our showers have to border on cold before she will get into it. 

In this new stage, keeping her hydrated doesn't seem to be a problem. Before, when we were on the golf course, I'd have to insist on her drinking, now she takes it with out me forcing her to drink. Right now, life seems too easy, but I'll take it. 

We must be on a smooth highway for awhile, as Driver and me travel down the Road to Dementia Town. Not much road noise, so it is easy to relax and take it easy. Driver isn't saying much, just smiling as we go, watching the scenery go bye and seeing the sunshine bounce of the bonnet (just a little change of terms for those across the pond) as we keep our Shiny Side Up. May you have a easy day as you travel down your Road to Dementia Town, Keeping your Shiny Side Up. Love Ya and God Bless.