Prayer, the tool that molds me.

Happier days at the zoo. 

How does one live with their life partner when they don't remember you? For me, there is only one answer, that is my faith in my God. This isn't me. Before Dementia, I was a very opinionated man, I had my way of doing things, my plans that I could swirl around Sweetie and convince her that they were her plans. Retirement look a whole lot different what we thought it would be to what it is today. 

As with anything in life, there are Easter Eggs in everything. Sometimes, like the Easter Egg hunt in the back yard, you won't find the all the eggs and they pop up later down the road. 

My Easter Egg hunt began almost 5 years ago when I was searching for a form, a regimentation, to have a personal, private meditation and prayer time. In the beginning, I would write letters to God, crying, begging, lieing about what I was happy about, what I wanted, and tried to find the magical way, the body position, or my attitude to get my answer the way I wanted my prayers answered. I soon realized that I was a selfish child sitting on Santa's lap with an impossible Christmas List. How could I have time with my God and not be so self centered? 

As you know, I'm an alcoholic and in AA, there are prayers, many prayers in our literature. I wanted my heart and mind to be centered on what my God had for me. I had to get myself out of the way. So, I've developed a way of journaling my prayers, starting with the Serenity prayer and ending with Saint Francis prayer, or the 11th step prayer. At the end, I ask my prayers for the day and future. 

I've been doing this for almost 5 years and I do believe this is the source of my yielding to being Sweetie's husband, friend, and most of all, her caretaker. The things we as caretakers do to those we are caring for is something that I'd never thought of doing. Doing it without even a second thought. Because of this, I can say, life is good. 

Sweetie had another good day yesterday. She did have some beginnings of her sundowners and with quick action, a dose of Hemp Oil, and a walk, we were able to short circuit the eruption so that it didn't ruin the day. I can't tell you how many times I used to have plans for some simple event, and by now all events are simple, when she would need something, a trip to the bathroom, or the need to take a walk, just some Dementia thing would pop into her head and take both of us on some Dementia road trip. When that happens, turn off the stove, grab the keys, and away we go. Whatever we were going to do, can wait. And that is a huge lesson to learn. Waiting, patience, molding myself to Dementia's demands isn't something that comes easy. 

Look whose here? It's my Driver. He likes to read what I'm saying to you, and this time He is nodding His approval. That makes me feel good. He told me that simple is good, it is more truthful and He likes that. So, off we go, looking for my cool sunglasses, didn't put them back like I always do, now I gotta look for them. I see Driver has them and He's smiling. Into the passenger seat, down the Road to Dementia Town we go. Driver and me and as always, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. Today is the day for you to keep going on your trip to Dementia Town, Keeping your Shiny Side Up. Love Ya, God Bless.    

Raging Sundowners.

Better times at Knott's Berry Farm

Yesterday wasn't fun. Oh it started well. Had a good morning, up early as usual. Spent some time with my daughter on the phone. Used Facebook IM to have a video call. I was good to see her as we talked. The marvels of technology. We talked about her coming birthday, the granddaughters and how she and her family are coping with being shut in. It was a good call. 

I have to get over the idea that a quiet day, a day of none activity doesn't mean that Dementia isn't revving up its engine. It doesn't need a stimulus to get going, it just needs time. And I keep forgetting that fact. 

We had a good morning, breakfast, worked on the puzzle, and watched TV. It was later in the day, when Sweetie wanted to go out for a walk. Seem innocent by itself. The wind had been blowing earlier and knowing how she doesn't like the wind, we stayed in. Big mistake. As we got ready to leave, I tried to give her some Hemp oil, she fought me and didn't want to take it. That isn't her normal response to taking it. I was able to get her to take it, but it was too late, and I'd pay for it. 

Once outside, she did something that she hasn't done in a long, long time. She headed for our neighbors homes, wanting to go in and "Help the kids". We spent 2 hours with me trying to herd her away from the homes. 

One neighbor, being kind, was willing to talk with her. He has 2 German Shepherds, both are mean. He went to put the dogs away and was going to come back and talk with her. Before I could stop her, she was in the house and I was in after her. I got bit on the hip, and the other dog chased her out of the house. I'm OK, didn't break the material of my pants, just a scratch.  

I want to be mad at her, I want to somehow make her know how dangerous it is when she does something like that. I know that is impossible to do because she just will not remember what just happened. Anyway, I pumped her full of Hemp oil, and it finally helped. 

The best way to describe yesterday evening was a raging fire. It wasn't going to be put out until it burned itself 
out. When it did, she had to go to bed because she was spent.

I'm mad at so many different that it is driving me crazy. The one fact out of all of this is the helplessness I feel, and that makes me mad. I can't tell her what happened and put her in a corner for some time out. She does not have the ability to comprehend what is happening. I realized that as long as she could go and talk to someone the happier she was. As soon as I would try to stop her, that was when all hell would break out. Man was this a 2x4 lesson. 

I gotta go and find my Driver. I need to spend sometime with Him. He has a way of settling me down, to think straight, and relax. I need a restful day and He knows where to go to find it. Ah, the car is coming around the corner, so I'll be off for another day, with my Driver, as we head on down the Road to Dementia Town. Keeping our Shiny Side Up. Some days are harder than others. Hope you have a good day. Don't let the bad ones keep you down as you motor through the day, Keeping your Shiny Side Up. Till tomorrow, Love Ya, God Bless.  

Sundowners on the golf course.

There are days when I have to remember who she was. 

Our Governor has deemed that only groups of 5 may gather, and because of this, she has now completely closed our recreation. Sweetie and me were able to get in our last round of golf till the Corona Virus threat is done. 

I was really worried about our last outing on the course. Things were going well for awhile. Then she started acting like her sundowners was acting up. Was it too long on the course, and of course, I didn't have any Hemp Oil with me, so we struggled to finish. 

When we got into the car, I was able to give her another dose of "Happy Medicine" and she was able to calm down again. Her sundowners are like the waves that come onto the beach. 

As an old surfer, I was able to sit on my board and watch the for waves. I learned to see where they were, how big they were going to be, and if I was in the right position to catch it and get a good ride. It is the same with Sweetie. I can usually catch her sundowner wave approaching and get her her CBD and stop the crash before it happens. Then there are times when the wave has already built enough energy, that now matter what I do, it is going to be a tsunami. Oh how she suffers through those crashes. My heart just breaks as I hold her, or just talk to her, reassuring her everything will be OK. Then, there is a lifting, small at first, then it grows until she is back again. 

We're going to try some more yard work today, and I have some other projects to try. My fear is, that right in the middle of whatever we are doing, she is going to take off, and I have to drop everything and chase after her. There are days when I would wish she wasn't as mobile as she is. Then on the other hand, walking with her, hand in hand is one of the greatest joy the we have left. 

Speaking of joy, my Joy Master is here and is ready to go. He has some new sights for me to see. Something about a relaxing drive today. I sure could use one of those after yesterday. He's got the door open and is ready to go. So, down the Road to Dementia Town we go. Me and my Driver, tunes on the radio, cool sunglasses on, and as always, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. Remember, there will always be Easter Eggs out there, if you look for them, as you too, drive yourself, Keeping your Shiny Side Up. See you tomorrow, Love Ya, God Bless.     

CBD, timing, Lots of Easter Eggs

That's my Sweetie, sweater, long pants
and her flip flops.

What a difference a day makes. I returned to my normal scheduling of CBD Hemp oil. 

After Friday's sundowners, I knew I had to return to giving her much more Hemp Oil then I though I could get away with. Starting in the morning, I gave her a dose, than again around 1pm, and in the "Sundowner's Zone." A dose about ever 2 hours. What a difference. She was calm, and had only a short light episode of asking the questions of "Am I going to stay?" or "Are we going to go somewhere (Never know where that somewhere is.)?" No confrontation, no unsettling arguments, it was wonderful.   

This may sound strange, but while she was acting aggressively, I couldn't get her on the potty. She reverted back to "I can do this by myself" mode. This makes me shutter because I know if she is wet or dirty she won't know it, and that will make it even harder for me to clean her dirty sore bottom. 

Got into a cleaning mode yesterday, and it was a good way to get her into helping me. Some simple tasks, like sweeping and dusting. We tackled our bathroom. Floor, closet, toilet, sink and all. I'm ashamed to say this, but it needed a good cleaning, and it got what it needed. Sweetie was a trooper, dusting, and even pushing the vacuum cleaner. While at the same time, telling me she doesn't know that to do, or how to do it. If it wasn't so serious, it would be funny. 

I hope you could tell that yesterday was a good Easter Egg day for me. With the decision to increase her dosage of Hemp Oil was the right one. So, now I know, and will not ever decrease the amount that I give her. Not only the times, but, I've increased the amount of Oil. We are about 3/4s of a dropper with each dose. I use the lotion now at bed time. It does help her to fall to sleep. 

Good new all around. And with that, I see my Driver coming in through the garage door with a smile on His face. He just brightens up any room He when he walks in. So, its time to go, now where did I leave my shoes? There they are. Time to head out. Down the Road to Dementia Town. You know, being the passenger, I have free time to watch the scenery go by. I know He will always stop when there is an Easter Egg to pick up. Out on the highway of life, watching the sun come up, as we are Keeping our Shiny Side Up. And that goes for you too. Never forget, there are Easter Eggs out there waiting for you to find, as you too, head down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping your Shiny Side Up. Till next time. Love ya and God Bless.    

CBD, sundowners and fear.

Sweetie, Strawberry Funnel Cake and fun. 

I have never felt so helpless as I did last night. I know it wasn't me, but I did have a hand in it. I have been cutting back Sweetie's CBD oil, as a test to see how she her sundowners progressing. 

We had a good day to start with. My golfing buddy couldn't make it, so we went out by ourselves. I shot a good round, best in awhile, and towards the end, she was wearing out, getting irritable, wanting to go in. I was able to distract her and finish the round. 

I can usually tell what is going on with her by her breathing and body language, and of course, her "boys" stories. 

After we got home and had lunch, we watched some good old TV. Then about 3 in the afternoon, she started down the sundowners path. Gave her her dose of CBD, and Lotion. Instead of getting better, she kept going further and further into sundowners. I knew I was in trouble, just how much I didn't know. 

I tried walking the neighborhood, that didn't help. We went on a drive, and that was even worse. She wanted me to pull over so she could help those boys and was getting mad and crying when I wouldn't. We did stop and I let her out, she didn't know where she wanted to go, and was just wandering around. I was able to give her a shot of oil before the ride and was hoping that the combination of the ride and oil would start her back on the recovery road. 

Got home, and she was just a bouncing ball of nonsense. Gave her another shot of Hemp Oil, while she was protesting all the time. As her sundowners gain steam, she would ask me questions, and my answers didn't mean a thing to me. For the first time, I thought she was going to hit me. She sat between me and the TV, getting belligerent, I couldn't move without her getting in the way, fighting me if I moved or if I stayed still. It was terrible. After about 2 hours, she slowly started back to me. 

I learned my lesson. She just cannot do without her Hemp Oil. The only time we had it this bad was before CBD. I was able to calm her down enough for her to go to bed and get some sleep. 

This is another reason I enjoy my 3-4 hours in the early morning, by myself. Doing my prayer time, meditation time, and you. With daycare cancelled, I have to find more ways to get my me time in. I find that talking to all of you who read my rantings seem to identify with my journey for I am not alone. I gives me strength to keep going. 

Speaking of going, guess who's here? Yep, my Driver has shown up just as I'm finishing here. I hope you don't mind, I need some alone time with Him. But, then again, the road to Dementia Town is always better with friends, anyone up for a road trip today? Driver and me are heading out, just let up know, for we always have room for one more. Here we go again, got my cool sunglasses on, just relaxing and looking for Easter Eggs. Yesterday's Easter Egg was the lesson I learned. So, you see, there always will be one if you look for it. As we head on down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. You too, even if it is a short drive, or a all dayer, just remember Shiny Side Up, and you too can find Easter Eggs. Later, Love Ya, till tomorrow. God Bless. 

TV watching, Hemp Oil as a savior.

 My Sweetie Pie from 4 years ago.

Saturday, it is a day that we have to figure out what to do. The weekends that used to be times of relaxation, housework, working in the yards, visiting with the kids, is now a day that tax's my imagination. I'm grateful when she sleeps in. It gives me less hours to find something to do. I'd be happy to sit and watch TV, eat and be happy. 

What I've found out, is that Dementia can only watch so much TV before it becomes bored. Being bored is a dangerous place to be. Dementia soon creates images, stories, desires that have to acted out, and now is the time to act out. When I try to counter or put to rest her imaginary stories or plans, it just quickly takes that disk out of the player and puts another story to be acted on. This is when I thank God for CBD Hemp oil and Stress Relief lotion. In about 30 to 45 minutes, Sweetie is back down and out of the tree. 

We had a couple of Oatmeal explosions yesterday, and  I found out something that will work, and work well. Sweetie is into shadowing phase of her Dementia and I can use it to get her into the shower. I tell her I'm going to take a shower, and ask her if she would like to join me. One heck of a way to get her cleaned up, and a full shower at the same time. 

We've talked about sitting on the toilet and the urgency to get off and out. I tried something different. I read to her while we were there. I found an old Bible, the Message, translated into modern language, more like love letters, and read from the Book of Psalms. She relaxed, and kept looking at the pages as I read. She loved it, and so did I. (Easter Egg.) 

If nothing else, life is differently not boring. I have to be on my toes when I'm with her. When we are driving somewhere, I have to talk to her, answering her ever circling question, which I in turn ask back to her. When we are walking the mall, I've started making little limericks. Make up poems, that make her smile, her eyes twinkle, and it seems for that short time all is well.  As for now, I'll be heading down the road, You'll know me, I've got the Shiny Side Up. God Bless.