CBD and Stress Relief Lotion.

Stress Relief Lotion and CBD that I use. 

The comment left from yesterdays post inquired about the CBD and Stress Relief Lotion I use on Sweetie. Here they are. They are not the only homeopathic on the market that will help with your love ones, it is just what I use. I get my CBD on Amazon. For me it is the biggest bang for the buck I could fine.  

After many bouts with sundowners, I was ready to throw up my hands. Say the hell with it all and find someplace that I could afford to put Sweetie in. Someplace that would know how to handle Dementia with sundowners. 

I read, I watched, I talked with my men's group, and it seem there was nothing I could do to relieve her and me of the affects of sundowners. That put me on a quest to go off script.   

On the Dementia Family Support page on Facebook, I was reading about CBD, and the remarkable affect it was having on those with Dementia. How simple it was to use and with it some sanity was returning to their lives. 

I first went to a CBD store. They are all over the place, and bought my first bottle. My first mistake was the amount of oil to give Sweetie. I was giving her a full dropper right off and that was the wrong thing for her. The Demented brain wasn't ready for something new being introduced to it. She went on a bender of behaviors, mad, cry, laugh, and just sitting. It seem the more I gave her, the worse she got. 

So, I attempted different approach. Less is best. I waited through two days of no oil, and then started it back up. This time with just a quarter of a dropper, twice a day. She started to calm down, and as she did, I would give her larger doses. Now, we are up to a half a dropper 4 to 5 times a day. There are times when I can have her open her mouth and squirt it in her mouth, more than likely, I put it in her food, and she takes it that way. 

The Stress Relief Lotion came from Daycare. Sweetie wasn't their best client. She would get upset and want to go home, would look for me, and they had their hands full with her. 

One day, when I picked her up, they told me they were using a hand cream on her which was able to get her relaxed. Asked and received what it was. Got some, and started using it. Again after many experiments on where and when to use it, I've come to this. Wrist, hands, back of the neck are all good places to apply the lotion. Aromatic, yes, but at the same time, just getting it on her skin helps. For whatever reason, when she is out of sorts, and getting worked up, won't take her oil, I can count on the lotion to help settle her down. I may have to press her to let me touch her, but prevailing, I know in about 15 minutes, she will be back, and then I can get her some more oil. 

It is the 1-2 punch for me. Most of the time, the CBD is sufficient, I keep the lotion for those other times, and I usually use it in the evening before we head for bed. In combination, we both get relief and some sleep and life is good. 

A good life is what My Driver keeps telling me. Keep doing what we are doing, keep your hands inside the car and your seatbelts buckled. Hope today's post helps you, as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.  

Into sleep she went.

Sweetie with our dinner guest from last night. 

Yes, we had youngest daughter and her boyfriend over last night. We, or I should say, I had a good evening. We talked about boyfriends mom, who has early signs of Dementia. I shared with him the knowledge of what I've learned living with Sweetie, turned him on to some YouTube Videos with lessons on how to be a good caregiver to a love one suffering with Dementia. 

That was the shiny side of the coin. The other side came to play after our guest left. Sweetie was threatened by them being here. It was out of the norm, and that isn't good for those who are on the Road to Dementia Town. Her world was torn up, she didn't know them, and later her fear came a calling. 

Up until dinner we had a good day, tried some golf, too cold. Did our walk, and she was strong during our walk. We just had a good day, having our normal demented conversations, just a good day. 

It was trying to get to sleep that her fear erupted. She was shaking, and holding my hand, trembling like a leaf. To help calm her down, out came the CBD, and it helped. I could feel and hear the edge come off. It was after that, I applied some Stress Relief lotion on her neck, and that was the right solution at the right time. I could feel her, hear her, as she was slowly relaxed and into sleep she went. 

These are the times when I'm calling out to my Driver, wanting relief for her, and He knows the rest area for us. As He pulls the car over, and turns on the right music, together we watch the relief come over Sweetie like a comforter. Thank You Driver, as we travel Down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.   

Excursion away from the norm.

Tucson 2012

Do I beat myself up by looking back at what was, while seeing where we are now? We live the life that is given one day at a time. This morning in my reading, the verse of adding one hour to your life was part of that reading. It reminded me that no matter what I do, I cannot do anything to change that which is before me. 

Living on love is the only true treasure I have. That love is now, and yesterday, and is hoped for tomorrow. Love that is nurtured, love that is strong, will live for a long time without much caring. Love that is not only nurtured and cared for, will live longer. As of now, I believe that I am a Love Husbandry man. Caring for the love that has entwined in us. It is a love that needs to be cared for with the right amount of sunshine, pruning, watering and fertilizer.

Love is a gift that starts out as a small sprout, and given the right environment will become like a strong, tall, flowering plant. With each season, having its own flowers and fruit. I am now living on that fruit of our love. It is my responsibility to care for our love, now that Sweetie can't. To keep it warm, when the snow falls, to give it shade, when the sun is too hard on it, to give it water when all around it, it seems like a draught.

I thought yesterday was going to be a bust. Sweetie didn't want to get up. She was into sleep. I don't know if she was up all night, or just her Dementia needing more rest. When she got up, was just the time I was heading back to get her, perfect timing. Up, changed, and ready to head out. 

Pizza day, and we took Tweetie, (the corvette, for those who are new to this blog.) and off we went. Sweetie had difficulty getting into and out of Tweetie, which means I'll be driving her less and less as time goes on. Got the pizza, and headed over to the boys. 

Had a great time, the youngest is used to being the center of attention, and was always coming into the room make himself known. Mom was stern, and got him to behave himself. I think because she and I are of the same mindset on many subjects, and just a little off, that we have some good observations to discuss, and she enjoys us being there. Someone besides three boys and she is the teacher, mom, and strong personality to keep them all in line. Like, a hunger for conversation and expression of one's belief. We make a good excursion away from the norm. 

After lunch, we went to do our mall crawl, and then home. I found some sweats on Amazon that I hoped would fit her. she is 5'9" tall and has long legs. These new pants are about 1" longer then the others I have tried. They work well, and we are happy to have found them. Going to order some more so she will have a closet full. 

Having dinner guess over tonight, youngest daughter and her friend. It will be the second time we will have guest, will see how Sweetie does. 

Weather is warming up, so golf is on the activity list again, and then the mall crawl. May try to get some yard work done today or over the weekend. Now that I have a good feeling that Sweetie cannot get out the front door, I can start planning spring yardwork. 

My driver knows about spring planting, for the hills on this trip are soon going to be green, and multi-colored with new flowers. He reminds me that this what to expect with all things. His love and flowers, for they show up at the most unexpected places. A new look, as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless. 

Memories live on.

Having a family BBQ.

Look at us. Full of life and fun times ahead. So much has changed since this picture was taken. We now have another grandson that will never know the times we had back then. Will never know how much fun his grandmother was. 

We are doing our best to keep her in front of them. Like today is pizza day. I look forward to it. A time to get with adults, and a time for her to see her grandchildren. I know she has very little idea of who these children are or what they mean to her. But they do. That is what is important to me, that they had the time with her. 

Memories live on and that is where my Sweetie is most alive with me. There are times as I sit and type away, than the memories of who we were, what we were like, and the life we lead, as husband and wife, and man and woman, as lovers and friends. She still is my best friend, and every now and then she still says those words. It will surprise me when she will look at me and tell me she loves me. It is usually after I tell her that God have her to me, to take care of, and protect her. She some how understands what I'm saying and then she will respond with the "I love you." It takes my breath away. 

Not much to say about yesterday, just that we added another pearl to the neckless. I am giving her more CBD these days. It does make for a easier time with her. I'm not worrying about bolts to the door, or resisting me when the time of checking is at hand, it just makes times nicer. 

Driver and me likes these nicer times. To be able to sit back, relax, and just watch the telephone poles go bye. As we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.  

Don't tell Sweetie.

Angel on my shoulder.

Daughter and her husband are joining us at Isotope Park to catch a ball game. Albuquerque does have minor league baseball, not as exciting as major league, but I think a game here is a fun time. I don't have a dog in this race, I just love baseball. The stadium is friendly and the kids are fun to watch. 

We don't go to games anymore, just too much of a hassle. Besides, she doesn't like being out after dark. It will be interesting to see how soon she goes to bed this spring and summer. Last year, it was still light out, and the sun had yet set, and she had us going to bed early. Found I could sleep even in the daylight. 

Found the Muppet's Show on the Disney Channel. Sweetie just loves it. And, like anything else, if it occupies her attention, then it is a good thing. She loves Kermit, and the gang. I must admit I'm enjoying it myself. With the old entertainment stars singing and dancing with the Muppets, it's a hoot.  

Yesterday was a mixed bag of goodies. We were able to get out and play some golf. Got the whole 9 holes in for the first time this year. I was worried about her all throughout the game. She wasn't as willing as she normally is to come and walk with me to the tees or the greens. I had this uneasy feeling that at any moment, I'd look and she would be heading off, down the course, looking for those mythological boys, and we'd have to head to the car and home. She didn't and maybe this is also another progression of her Dementia. We're going out again today, and will see how she does. 

Got a couple of things going on this week. Thursday, is pizza day with the grandboys and family. Should be a good outing. Second, got a call from the youngest daughter. Asking if she and her boyfriend can come over Friday night for dinner. I had extended an invitation for a dinner once a month, and she is taking me up on it. His mom has Dementia and is getting "worse" as she says, and thinks I can help him as he takes care of her. Don't know what I can do, so we'll see what comes about from our dinner. 

One thing I've learned is, don't tell Sweetie about new things coming our way. It only confuses her and gets her on edge. I don't need that. 

Driver knows what I need, and right now, it is slow and steady. Moving ahead at a pace that is comfortable for Sweetie. Mentally and emotionally, she is my superball, bouncing higher, faster and in a different direction then expected. So, Driver gave me a catcher's glove to gently catch her and hold her until the bouncing stops. Always fun, as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.     

Some smooth and easy roads.

Sweetie and Bill. 

Not the most complementary picture of my Sweetie, then again, it shows her funny side. 

Sweetie used to tell stories that would keep me in stitches, laughing, until I couldn't breath. She was a funny lady. Sometimes I felt that she took pity on my and the rest of the women of the world by marring me. You know, take one for the team. Yet, I am the one that got the better part of the deal. When it was said about marriage, the better half, well she was the whole better part of this marriage. Now, as I look back, she is the one that made this whole thing work. 

July, 2016, that faithful month and year that we had her diagnosed. That will be 5 years ago in a couple of months. As we all know, that was just the confirmation of what I was suspecting. She was 71 and I was on the road to loosing her. 

Here we are 5 years later, and the difference is amazing. It could be depressing if I'd let it. I have chosen to let it be my mission to take care of her. To make sure she is safe, she is loved, and she is the most precious part of my life. 

Like that big lump of coal that we were given those years past is being compressed into the most wonderful diamond possible. To anyone just watching, they may never see what we are going through, and that is the way it should be. 

Yesterday was another pearl on the string day. I'm beginning to find the early up and cleaning routine is beneficial for both of us. I helps her gather her wits about her and she can then get started at her pace, not mine. Also, there is more time between breakfast and lunch, more balance if you like. And that means more pearls on the neckless. 

Looks like we're going to have some smooth and easy roads to travel for this part of the journey. Smooth asphalt, gentle hills, and rolling scenery as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Driver, Sweetie and me, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.    

Almost a repeat.

Angel game.

Spring training has started, and this was a year that I was hoping to take a trip to Arizona for a couple of days and to catch a game or two. As you can imagine, with all that is going on, I'll have to put those plans on the back burner till next year. 

It was almost a repeat of the day before. Sweetie being mad at me again. This time I knew what it was. I had closed the door to my office and she was up looking for me. I had not paid enough time looking at the time, and over shot my appearance time with her. 

I could tell she was upset with me. She was scared and alone. Not a good combination for someone who has Dementia. After doing all that needed to be done, she went back to bed, her safe place. It took sometime for get her up and going, to get her to reset her emotions, and feel safe again. 

Got to up date the door childproofing. She was at the door trying to get out. It seems the newness of the cover has worn off, and she is trying to see if she can get out. Like a kid and a cookie jar. Tell them not to get into it and the next thing you find is there they are, at the cookie jar. There must be a scent of freedom at that door that only she can smell. 

Happy to report that after Sweetie reset her emotions we had a good day. Watched some old Disney cartoon movies which Sweetie just got involved into them. We watched Lady and the Tramp and the Rescuer's. She so enjoyed them so much. Maybe it is because we watched them as kids and they pricked a memory or two. Think we'll return to watch them again and see if they will still keep her attention. 

Keeping her attention is one of the biggest help Driver gives me. He is whispering in my ear ideas to help both of us along. Ways to keep the days interesting and fun. That is how we keep ourselves going, on this journey. Driving down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.   

Mad at me.

Forever Smile.

So many of my pictures are with Sweetie across from me, as we would eat, usually a treat I know she would like. Here it is a strawberry funnel cake. We're at Knott's Berry Farm, in the free walk around shop around area. 

When we would go to California on a get away, we seemed to be in a loop. The beach, Knott's, Disneyland, Angel Game, and home. It would be a 3 or 4 day visit. I would make plans to see my daughters and granddaughters, and up to my dad's grave for a family visit. He is in the family plot, so it is a one stop for all. 

With Sweetie and her Dementia, the draw to California isn't as strong as it was. Family ties are strained and the visits are getting shorter and shorter. Last time, it was just a photo op of us all together. The pandemic and election has provided much more space between me and my daughters then ever. I sometimes think, is there really a good reason for me, for us, to visit California again? Time will tell.  

Sweetie is a vacuum of my time and energy. I have to spend the same amount of time taking care of her, no matter where we are, so why spend the extra time and expense of taking her anywhere, when we can be the same at home? At least at home, we are comfortable, and safe. 

Got to play golf yesterday, it was a joyous day. It was cold, and a bit brisk. There was snow on the course, which was a new playing hazard for me. I just enjoyed being away. 

Sweetie was happy to see me when I got home, and yet she was a little stand offish. Got her out for a walk, and when we were home, she wanted to wonder around the house. One good thing to report, is since I put the childproof door cover on the front door, she hasn't gotten near it, let alone tried to get out of the house. 

I think she was mad at me for leaving her yesterday, and the only way she could show her discontent was by walking, and being away from me. It was a Stress Relief lotion to the rescue night. Sweetie was irritable, and restless. I had to trick her into letting me put the lotion on her neck, but after it was applied, she calmed down, and went to sleep. 

Driver just knows the tools that are available for me to use. I open myself up to His leading, and it is there I get my answers. Oil, Lotion, and just holding her hand. Alone or in combinations, they are His gifts to us. For they are needed as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God bless.   

Something new.

Us.

One of the questions that I never get asked is "What is it like living with your wife, now that she has Dementia?". I find that interesting. For there isn't any one answer that will convey my feelings. For there are the times of tears, times of smiles, and I cannot tell you about the anger, the frustrations, the feeling of fear when she passes out. 

Like last night, her constant moving, scratching, adjusting, trying to get comfortable, to sleep. Ah blessed sleep for both of us. With me rolling over holding her hand, listening to her whimper, reassuring her that I'll take care of her, that she is safe with me. She relaxes, and then it starts all over again. 

Tried her oil, helped some, it wasn't until I got a dollop of Stress relief lotion and rubbed it on her neck, that she was able to relax and go to sleep. Lordy, I'm so glad that I have these tools that can help. To let her relax and go to sleep. 

Started something new, and so far it seems to work. I'm getting her up around 9. She isn't ready to get up, so I have to work with her to get her out of bed and into the bathroom to change her. Then after that is all done, cleaned, wiped, changed, morning oil, I put her back to bed. She goes eagerly and lays back down. She stays there for about an hour, and soon joins me in the living room. Where I set her down, turn on TV, and start our breakfast. The first thing I give her is her toast, with her dose of Hemp oil on the toast, with a sprinkling of cinnamon and sugar to cover the oil, then cereal with ensure, and we head on down the road for the rest of the day. 

Driver is smiling at us as we get into the car. We on the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.   

Is this the best?

Love her. 

After our visit from the Hospice people, I've come to the conclusion, that until Sweetie looses her mobility, there will be no need for extra, extra help. For the past 3 years, I've tried to get ahead of that which I think might come, and every time, my plans seem to be denied. Instead of taking our journey one day at a time, I'm trying to move to 6 months, a year, or more down the road. It just isn't happening. 

Sometimes I feel like Steve McQueen, in the movie "The Great Escape." Where he is in solitary, with a baseball and glove, throwing the ball against the wall and bouncing back to him. Motion, but not any improvement. Killing time, without gaining anything. 

Is this the best it is going to be? And the answer is "Yes.". For tomorrow, it will be something less then today, and those less days slowly add up to less of Sweetie. 

She is sleeping more, more willing to sit on the couch, watch TV. Heads back to the bedroom, crawls into bed, and will stay there. I'll check on her, and most of the time she is awake, just lying in bed. When I do get her out of bed, she is complaining that it hurts to move. 

The other day, I got her in the shower, and was able to get her on the bathroom scales, she hasn't lost anymore weight, so I must be feeding her what she needs. 

My Driver knows how frustrated I can get. He understands my frustrations. So, He arranges for a rest area to be available for us. So we can stop, get out, and stretch my legs. He has one planned for tomorrow. Just have to make it through one more day. And just like that today is bearable. For it is just another day on the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.    

Good day.

Grand Canyon hike, '07.

Yesterday was a good day and a tough day. It was in one sense something that I knew was coming, and yet not surprised to hear. 

Time was that we would be mostly together during the days we have. Now, it seems that if I don't get her going, she is content to spend more time in bed then I prefer. 

Took advantage of her sleeping upstairs yesterday. I got her into the shower and cleaned up. It is also the right place to check her weight, she is the same, as for the past 6 months. It is here that I can do her nails with relativity no hassle. 

Looking at her hair, it might be time for another haircut soon. 

Had another respite company came in for an evaluation of Sweetie. My lady's company. Again, close but no cigar. It is her mobility that is the claim breaker. Plus, I think, it is me taking care of her. She doesn't seem that advanced in her Dementia. I understand. 

At one point, we were trying to get a reverse mortgage to help with expenses, which never came about. It was after so many road blocks, and hoops to jump through, that I said no more. It proved to be the right choice, because those expenses never appeared. 

I was asked what did I want from Hospice care? End of life help. The idea of keeping Sweetie with me as long as possible, and not having to call 911 when she passes. That is my hope. To let her pass with dignity, not a big show with emergency traffic all around.

During her evaluation of Sweetie, I mentioned her right arm and what I was trying to do to help her get better. The nurse suggested that she may of had a minor stroke that affected her arm. It makes sense. For I have searched my memory trying to find a time when she could of pulled a muscle, or over used her arm. She just woke up and it was sore and swollen. Maybe the mystery is solved. 

Got the childproof door knob covers yesterday, and for the first time in a long time, I slept through the night. So did Sweetie. Don't know if that is the reason, but I'll take it. 

Relax, take it easy, we'll get there when we get there. How many times am I going to hear my Driver tell me that? The road is long, and taking shortcuts won't hurry the trip along. There are times when I just want it to be over, and of course it will be over when it is over. For I am in my ride, with my Driver, as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.     

Childproof

Is it the eyes or the smile?

I spent sometime yesterday reading on the stages of Alzheimer's. Sweetie is definitely in stage 6. On top of that, there are 6 sub sections of stage 6. The only one that she has not shown signs of is her mobility. 

Her vocabulary is such that she does have a command of about 20 words or so. What I find is that when she is wondering, she will mutter and then speak to me about her boys and that they need her help. She will make complete sentences. Yet, if I ask her questions her pat answer is "I don't know." Whether she understands the question, or just doesn't know what I'm asking. 

Last night was a struggle. She was up and down as normal for her, but it was different because she headed for the door, and was unlocking it when I caught up with her. 

I hadn't gone been in the bedroom, and when she did her back and forth, I went to see what was going on. She had taken the top cover off, and was trying to get the bottom sheet up as if to use as a cover. When I put the cover back on, she fought me, and for a short time wouldn't let me put it on. 

After I got it on, and went to bed with her, she was up again. I waited, and waited for her return and when she didn't come back, I went looking for her. She was no where to be found. She had gone upstairs to our bed, and was attempting to go to sleep. I crawled in with her, and we slept. 

I'm going to Walmart this morning to purchase childproof door knobs. This is one of the things I've been thinking about doing. One of my attempts to keep Sweetie in the house. I know that Dementia doesn't mean dumb, I just think it is worth a try. With her diminished capacity for reasoning, I'm hoping that it will slow her down, if not stop her all together.  

Looking at the road ahead, it seems like it is just another hill to get over, hoping that it isn't blocking the mountain behind it. Driver told me not to worry about it. He is in the driver seat, and for me to just do what seems right, He'll take care of the rest. As we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless. 

Memories.

Her smile.

I went to the blog records to pick out a picture for today. To my amazement, looking at all the pictures I've used, to see them one after another, to see her smile, one after another, that smile, her face, her eyes, I couldn't help myself but to fall in love with her all over again. 

This one, with the Angel hat, and Maui sweatshirt are still what she wears when we go out. The condition of that sweatshirt, the faded colors, the loose fitting sleeves, show the age and wear of it, but it is hers. I dress her in it, for it reminds me of better times, of who she was and what we did as a couple. 

If living in the past will get me through the present, and future, then I'll do that. We have been in the house now for 25 years. I cannot go into any room with out being flooded with memories. There are pictures, there are items from our lives spent together. We have mementoes from before we were we. there are pieces of life before we lived here and the things of today. Memories so thick, I could almost swat them away like flies, but I don't. I let them come and land, stay awhile, then go. 

Each day when we are together, is another memory fly, that will come around buzzing in my ear, just to remind me of one more day with my love, my friend, my Sweetie. 

I have to thank my Driver for providing me with these reminders, and how we keep them with us. As we drive, we watch the road, and with it, the windshield gets dirty with smashed bugs. Are those the ones that need to be removed from my memory? And only the good ones make it in the car with us, for just a short while? Ever noticed how when a bug gets into the car, and you open a window to get it out, it won't go? Good memories are like that, that won't go until it is time for them to go out the window. We relax, sit back, and watch the trees and telephone poles go bye, as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.  

So worn out.

Valentine's day '19

I forgot to wish all of you, a Happy Valentine's day, yesterday. So, I hope you had a wonderful day. Filled with flowers, chocolate hearts, and special time with your favorite Valentine. 

I spent the day, mostly on the couch with my Sweetie. There wasn't any cards, chocolate, or flowers. Just two people sitting on a couch, watching TV, seeing the snow on the ground and just loving each other as best we could. 

Sweetie was up early and as my habit is on Sunday morning, I watch 3 different preachers to get my spirit fed. She was up early enough, that we watched them together. She seemed to understand the messages, and smile as they were being presented. 

We had breakfast, did the laundry, had to change the bed, and just enjoyed the morning. 

In the afternoon, the roads were clearing up, and so we went to the mall and did a walk about, and a car ride. Same old stuff. 

I'm torn when I see her sleeping on the couch next to me. I know she needs the sleep, because she is up so much at night, and yet, I want her to stay awake so she will sleep at night. Tough choice, so I let her nod off for a few minutes. Sleep seems allusive to Sweetie. I know for myself, I don't sleep like I used to, and even when I spend time playing golf, I still don't sleep through the night. It is the same with Sweetie, a full night sleep might be the time in bed between the up and walking time. 

Now I know why she seems so worn out when I wake her in the morning. I also know that if I don't get her up before, say between 9 and 10, she will wet through her pullups and I have to change the bed, change her pants, and sometimes shower her. So, for both of our sakes, I try and not let her sleep past 10. Than again, it is my choice. 

Choices, I don't have many, but my Driver lets me know, that I only have to rest on Him, and trust His driving, and all the choices I make will be the right one. Maybe not at the time, but down the road I will see it was the right one. As the countryside changes while we drive down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.  

Trusting

Having a snow storm this morning.

Well, the weather prediction came true this morning. I awoke to a scene like this. It is snowing, and I can see the snow blowing through the street lights. According to the weather map, it should continue most of the day. Finally getting some winter weather. Cold just doesn't do it for me. It is weather that you can see, that drives you into the house, now that is winter weather. 

It looks like we are going to spend the day in the house. The roads will be wet and slippery and so, home we will stay. What that will bring to Sweetie and her Dementia is yet to be seen. 

Yesterday, my lady came to sit with her, and I got to play some golf, alone, walking the course, and it was good. One of the things that I love the best is when I get home, Sweetie is so happy to see me. She just beams and cannot wait to get next to me, to hug me, and give me kisses. It is these precious times that I'll tell stories about to others who didn't have a chance to meet her. 

Last night was a long night. After we went to bed, it was an up and down night. She would lay down for about 2 hours, then I would feel her moving, and she was up. After she had done this a couple of times, I just let her do what she was going to do. She went into the living room, sat on the couch, and just sat there. She seemed fine and content. I got her a lap blanket, covered her up, and left her there. Made sure the doors were locked and alarms set, and went back to bed. Later she came back to bed with me. 

I thought, while I was sleeping upstairs, how many times did she do this without me knowing it? How many times did she just wonder around the house, getting up and going back to sleep? Then the old rule of harm kicked in. As long as she doesn't harm herself or anything else, it should be OK. I'm guessing that she does this more than I know. Now that I know that she does this behavior, I will have to somehow make sure she doesn't hurt herself, or the house. 

This is a case of trusting. I have to trust my Driver to keep me in tip top sound shape. To have heart that she will be fine. She is in His hands. He will make sure I will have all that I need to keep her safe, day and night. As we motor down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.  

Married above my paygrade.

My Sweetie.

I believe that we are at Disneyland when I took this picture of her. The more I prepare myself for that day, the more precious these pictures become. I already miss her smile, her way of saying things, the mystery of her womanhood. To me she was always a mystery in so many ways, that is why I kept learning about who she is, was, and would have been. 

You know the saying, that you can't make an omelet without breaking the eggs. With Sweetie, I was always breaking eggs and then we would make the omelet together. She could outthink me at any moment, and then again, she would praise me for doing what was right. We chose to make omelets and blend in the other flavors to make it taste better. I married way beyond my paygrade. 

As it is with Dementia, Sweetie's world is shrinking, and I think she knows it. She is getting more and more complainant with sitting and watching TV. Which makes it easier for me to keep her happy. 

We tried to get out yesterday, but it was too windy and cold. So we went and did our walk about at the mall, and home. While we were walking, I was thinking, how the mind is going, and at the same time, she will walk with purpose. She is a strong walker, which means that more than likely, her mind will give out before her body will. It seems to be a race to see which one quits first. 

It doesn't matter, the end will be when we arrive at Dementia Town, the end of the Road. Driver tells me not to worry, and again and again He tells me that. Each day, just get into the car with Him and relax. Where does it say that I can add or take away anything to each day? Live, laugh and enjoy this day, for it is the day the Lord has made. So, I should just relax and enjoy this gift of the day. Take my time to open it up, and at the end of the day, see what the present is. What else is there to do as we drive the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless. 

 

Love.

At Carlsbad Caverns. 

This morning I was asking myself, what do I get out of posting everyday? Then the answer comes. I'm renewing my love and care for Sweetie everyday.

I'm reminding myself, searching for those time, those special moments that made us who we were. That even in those times of anger, instincts in collision, that our love for each other is what kept us together. 

Over the years, there were nights of sleeping on that last inch of the mattress. Then there were nights when we romp on the mattress and all the cares of the world disappeared. There were the quiet nights, the warm nights, the cold nights, and the silent nights. 

We had promised each other that divorce wasn't an solution, thro it was close at times, it never arrived. We spent years investing into each other, tearing down that which was bad, and building that which was good for our marriage. We were and still are, a couple. 

As we go through this time, string one pearl after anther on the good days, and when that not so perfect of a pearl show up, I just add that to the neckless to make the others have something to compare themselves to.

Driver has told me about love, that it is kind, it is gentle, it doesn't hold grudges, it doesn't compete. Love holds dear those that build up, and is gentle with that which wants to tear love down. He says to holdfast that which I can see daily, and to search for love in those rough times. For it is there I can find relief, as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.    

 

Doesn't sleep well.

Navy reunion, 2012

One of the things that Sweetie likes about us is the common thread of the Navy. It didn't matter to her that I was an Airdale and her father was a Blackshoe, we were both in the Navy. 

The old squadron was having a reunion ever 2 years, and this was the first one we were able to attend. It was a little difficult for both of us, but we had each other, and was able to enjoy it. Fellowship, renewing old acquaintance, starting new "old" friendships again. 

We missed several after that, life got in the way. I was making plans to be at the one in 2020, but the pandemic hit, and we don't have anymore plans for anymore at this time. 

To make it short, it was another pearl on the string day yesterday. 

Had our heater and water heater serviced. Sweetie had some difficulty with a stranger in the house, but things went well. Good weather, a round of golf, a stroll in the mall, and home for the rest of the day. 

We are once more sleeping together and I am finding that she doesn't sleep well. Always moving, a twitch here and there, and she doesn't get to sleep. Last night, I gave her a shot of Hemp Oil, and sure enough, she went to sleep. I took some too, and I was able to fall asleep myself for several hours. So glad to have Hemp oil as a solution. 

Is today going to be a repeat day, another pearl day? Only my driver knows for sure. I know it will depend on which route He takes. I trust Him to do what is right for us each and everyday. For He is the Driver, and we are His passengers, as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless. 

Don't worry.

Us. 

Us, as we were. Tucson 2012, 9 years ago, we were happy, life was going good. We were starting to look forward to retirement. How things have changed. 

We had talked about selling everything, buying a motor home, driving across the land. Going places, doing things, and just enjoy. Thought of becoming a snowbird and spending summers on the Oregon coast as a lighthouse keepers. Stuff like that. Those old dreams of being grandparents to our grandkids. God had different plans for us. 

That went to hell in a handbasket when Sweetie started down this path, which turned into a walkway, and is now a highway. It was my turn to be her caregiver. It meant that I was to be living a few years of dedicating all of my attention to her. Pouring out love that I didn't know I had for her. 

Sure, we get out to the golf course, to the zoo, to do some shopping and to see our grandsons. It isn't what we imagined we would be doing in this, our golden years of life. Can anyone live a planned life? I would like to think of what our lives would be like if Dementia hadn't moved in. 

I was different from Sweetie as far as activities went. I was on the go, golf, baseball games, hiking trips, fishing trips, go, go, go. She was the on who would want to stay home, be a homebody, work in the garden, in the yards, and read. 

So, in reality, Dementia is a blessing for both of us. I still get to do some of the activities I enjoy, and she, well, she gets to do what Dementia allows her to do. Which for me, is fine. I know her limits, and work with what we have. You know, the pandemic has made our choices simple, because of what we can't do, we choose from what we have. 

Yesterday was another pearl on the string day. Sweetie was up earlier than normal, and so we had more time to kill. Did get out and play some golf, for the weather is starting to warm, and as long as I dress her right, she enjoys her time outside.

One of the things that I am grateful for, is that she isn't always heading for the front door, to get out and wander, to look for "The Boys". She will go to the window and look, then back to the living room, and hall. Like a caged animal, pacing back a forth. She does that more and more when I'm not sitting with her on the couch, waiting for me to finish whatever I'm doing so she can join me there. 

Don't worry, as long as she isn't hurting herself, she is doing fine. That is the message Driver is sending me. Relax, make sure she is safe, warm, and fed. I'll do the rest. Turn it all over to me and find peace. He tells me that almost everyday, and like a moth heading for a flame, I need to hear it more these days. For I am nothing without Him. As we barrel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.       

 

Standing on the edge of forgetfulness.

Hawaii '17

Four years ago and it seems like it was forever ago. I am so glad that we were able to make that trip. She was standing on the edge of forgetfulness, and it was showing. I was still able to leave her alone for short periods of time, where as today, I don't dare leave her by herself. Who know what danger there is in that. 

I've gotten to buying 2 gallons of milk when we go shopping. For it is milk that we run out of and is a cause to go to the grocery store. Sweetie will drink 2 or 3 glasses of milk at every meal if I pour it for her. She will take a bite, drink some milk and when her glass is empty, she will continue to try and get that last drop, so I'll pour her some more, and then again some more, a swallow at a time until she is finished eating. 

By getting two gallons, it means one less day at the store. I used to like going to the store as an outing, no so much lately.  What used to cost me $20-$25 a visit, now is $35- $40. Plus the shelves are not always full, as before pre pandemic. 

Sweetie is more and more willing to sit and watch TV, as long as I sit with her. She will even sit by herself from time to time. If I want to get out, I may have to ask her two or three times before she will be willing to go with me. Of course, I won't go without her, that is without saying. 

It looks like I'm being moved down stairs with her. She wants me to sleep with her, and last night I did. I tried the normal, putting her to bed, and then watching TV for awhile. She came and sat with me, and then let me know, she wanted me to stay with her. It will take some adjusting, but it will work. 

I think that this is a side road that we are on. It isn't the highway to Dementia Town, just a stop off. To do a some visiting in a forgotten time. Driver wants to stay here for a little bit. So I can remember what life was like. We both know it won't be long before we have to return to the highway. As we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless. 

 

My most favorite thing...

On the edge of the continent.

Making our footprints in the sand. And like that, the waves come in and it is as if we were never their. Live life like there is no tomorrow. That sounds good on paper, it isn't. For tomorrow always seems to find me. Even though it has changed it's name to today, it is still tomorrow. There are times when I wish tomorrow wouldn't come, times that seem unbearable, times of loneliness. As a caregiver, a husband and friend, those of you who are on this road with me, know what I'm talking about. 

Not everyone knows, it is like looking at a display in a window, and not being able to touch it, or hear a muffled sound from the opposite side of the glass. On lookers may see, but they don't know. No matter how much they say encouraging phrases, they still don't know about the cracks, and parts that have chipped away at my heart. 

 My life isn't filled with special effects, what goes on is real. There are real heart breaks, and times of joy. Yesterday was one of those days. It was shower day, and it was a struggle at first, then she calmed down, and allowed me to do my most favorite thing that lovers can do, I washed her naked body. Here I am able to caress her while I wash her, hold her as I rinse her off, then help her out of the shower, and dry her off.  

I've expressed the joy of walking in the neighborhood. Well, the other foot has come down, on a sticker, a goat head, in the carpet. The little hitchhikers that come off the shoe and into the carpet. They don't vacuum up and just sit and wait. I like to go barefoot, or wear just socks, and those lil devils get me every time. Going to have to start an entry inspection of the shoes when we come back.

Driver is smiling at me. Says those stickers are a part of like. Just a moment of inconvenience and it is over. As the miles go by and the scenery changes, there are changes, and stepping on a goat head just a reminder that painful surprises are part of life. My job is to keep Sweetie's life in prospective with what I know she is going through, for I am going through it with her. For it is the three of us, driving down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.  

Pearls being strung together.

She still wears both sweatshirt 

and hat.

I look at these pictures and say to myself, "Isn't she a beauty?" She is, what a prize she is. If you can imagine, I have a room full of pictures, and the ones I look at the most are of her. I have a nude of her hidden in this room. I will now and then look at her, and remember what a great lover I married. 

Like water going under a bridge, it moves on. She is no longer the naked woman in that picture, and I am no longer the man that made love to her. We both have changed. Life has done to us what it is suppose to do. We grow old, we move slower, we grown fat and content with life. 

There are times when I want to give her a loving embrace, a romantic touch, but I don't. She has long ago forgotten about physical love, and so it goes. Now is the time for the love that only God can give. The real love of caring for her. To show love by doing for her what she can no longer do for herself. 

We had another good day. Like pearls being strung together, making a neckless, they are coming together. These are the pearls that memories are made out of. I will put this pearl on the string and see how long the neckless gets. 

Strange day. It was cool, windy and beautiful at the same time. I tried to play some golf. To get out and be in the sunshine. It was too windy for her, the wind chill factor, so we went to the mall for a walk about. She is still a strong walker. So we made our rounds quickly, and went home. 

The evening went well, it was bed time that was difficult. Every time she went to bed, she got up a short time later. This went on for awhile, it wasn't until I turned off all the lights, sat and waited until I was sure she was asleep that I retired. It bothers me that she doesn't go to sleep soon after she lays down. I feel fortunate that she isn't getting up and heading out the door. It is like she is growing out of that phase of her Dementia, but then again, I maybe only fooling myself. 

Only my Driver knows for sure. I trust Him to keep both of us safe. He is our driver, and as His passengers, we listen, we watch, and learn when to brace ourselves for the next turn, bump, or off ramp that is coming our way, for there are many. As we ride with Him on the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.

Day of lightness and joy.

Sweetie and Me.

What a day we had. From the beginning to the end, it was a day of lightness and joy. 

Sweetie was on her best behavior. From the time I got her up, until she and I went to bed. 

The weather was kind to us, so we did our morning walk around the neighborhood. At times Sweetie look like she was getting tired, and then within a few minutes, I'd look and she seemed just as fresh as when we started out. So we walked for quite awhile. It was a good walk, dogs barking, cars going by, and it was trash day and so when the trash truck went by, it frightened her. 

It used to baffle me by what would scare her. Knowing what the sound is, and telling her, seems to help. I know where most of the dogs are and I know how they scare her, so we walk around those homes. There is one home that has two little yappers. And they have a gate that is right next to the sidewalk. We now walk in the street when we go by them. 

After lunch, I was planning on playing some golf. When we got an unexpected call from "The Boy" and he wanted to know if I would play a round of disc golf. I took him up and took a chance that Sweetie would make it. When I told her where we were going, of course, it didn't make and sense to her. It was when she saw him, she lite up. Don't know if she remembered that he was her son, that didn't matter, she just knew he was special. 

As we played, she walk with him, holding his hand, and was enjoying herself. We made it through the 9 hole course, and by the time we left to go home, she was ready. 

I could tell her Hemp Oil was wearing off because she was stand offish. Tried to get her to take some while we were in the car, no way. Then home, and again, no way. So, I got her some lotion on her hands and neck, and with in about 15 minutes, got some oil into her. 

Dinner was the same routine, eat, up, walk, back sit down, eat, and repeat. Then bed time, wait for her, and sure enough, she was up again. Watch a little TV, and back to bed for the night, both of us to end the day. A good Easter Egg day. 

Another day on the Road to Dementia Town, just motoring as we go, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless. 

 

With that ordeal over...

Disneyland February 2018

February 2018, it seems like a life time ago. Sweetie still was just, well, just what seemed like just the beginning of her Dementia. When I look back at these posting, to see where she was, and to where we are now, those days were not as bad as they are now. We could talk, she could still do things for herself, and we were in love. 

If anything good has come out of this journey, is the way my love for her has grown. By knowing that she cannot take care of herself, that she is dependent on me, and without me being there, who would take care of her? 

I'm sure her kids would step up. Because I'm here, that has relieved them of that responsibility and that is the way it should be. It is the lonely times, the herding times, the wanting times that make it hard for me. It is one thing to be alone, alone. It is different when you are alone with someone you love, and that loneliness eats away at your soul. 

Yesterday was a gnawing day. I had to put her in the shower first thing. She was a mess and it was easier to clean her up. As you can imagine, she was not happy about the shower, and when I left her an opening, she bolted out of the room, leaving drops along the way. I was just happy to catch her before she got back into bed. That was the beginning. She was cranky most of the morning and when we tried to go out, she wasn't having anything to do with it. 

We did finally get out, do some shopping. We were out of her overnight pads, and I had to get a new supply. When we got home, we had another bout in the bathroom, and then she went to bed. 

It was during the evening, dinner time, when she was antsy again, up and down, back to bed, and then up. Slow me, I figured out she needed to be cleaned again. So we ended the day with her being back in the shower for a second time. What a struggle it was this time. It seemed the softer I talked to her, the more she fought. It wasn't until I got angry, and scolded her, she repented and allowed me to clean her. 

With that ordeal over, she went back to bed and right to sleep. She is warming up to her Dumbo stuff elephant. He has moved from the far side of the bed, to sharing a pillow with her and under the covers. I'm glad she is warming up to him. It may come in as a useful tool later. 

Where are we heading to today? Driver hasn't informed me, and He never does. I just get in, buckle up, and enjoy the ride. Mornings are always the best, for we have only us. It is later in the day, when I find myself calling out to Him. He is there with the tools that I need to get the job done. And done it will be when the sun goes down, as we find a place for the night, traveling down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.