Crash and burn.

Me and my Friend

 

I am angry and it is eating me up. I can't express it while I'm with her. It comes out when I am by myself, ususally on the golf course. When I am playing alone, I can yell, curse, and let it all out. If you came and caught me, you would think I was yelling at myself about a bad shot, or missed putt, but in reality, I'm mad at God, at Diane, and at life as it is. 

Dementia is more than a theft, it is a teasing bullie. The big brother taking away a toy, then taunting you to come a get it, then holding it up away from you so you can't get it. And if you try to ignore him, he does something to that toy that will make you angry all over again, and I know I can't win, so I beat myself up trying to make things better.

I tell myself, it isn't her fault, that she didn't plan on coming down with these mental problems, that she hates what is going on with her as much as I do. I remember when we were younger, and would see a show or movie, about Alzheimer's and say, "I hope that it doesn't happen to us." Well, it did, and I'm the one that is now the caregiver, and it sucks. 

Right now, my biggest complaint is that it isn't fair, it is not right, and I don't like it. At the sametime, this is what we have and the way we live is for me to be making the most out of it. There, now I feel better, getting that off my chest and dealing with it. 

Wednesday

It looked like a good morning at first. I went to her, and she took her morning dose easily enough. I left and went to work with setting up breakfast. When I returned, she wasn't willing to get up, and so with some encouragement, I got her up. She is waking up more and more with a stiff neck. It is something she was experencing before Dementia, and it is painful for her to first get up. I do my best to help, and she is up. 

Into the bathroom, and get the duty done. Here is where things go arie, she heads right back to bed. She won't have anything to do with getting up or eating. Knowing that if I work hard to get her up, the rest of the day will be like being boiled slowly all day long. 

I don't have a choice, so I head for the course. It is a cold morning, and instead of playing the small course, I thought I'd give the front nine a go at it. 

It isn't long after I get started, and miss a shot, then another, and my anger is getting a foothold, and soon I miss more shots then I have in a really long time. By now, the cursing starts, and, yes, I'm yelling about my game, but in reality, I realize, it is the strain of taking care of Sweetie that is being released. 

As it is, I soon catch up with a couple of men and join them. It only last for one hole, because on the next tee, I twist my knee, and down I go. The pain shot up from my knee, and I just laid there. Here I was so pleased with myself, because I had decided to take a cart this morning, instead of walking. I couldn't go any futher on foot, so I headed for the parking lot and home. Again, something good happened in doing this. 

I could barely walk and asked another golfer if he would asssist me in getting to the car, and taking the cart back. No problem there. 

When I got home, I was so much pain, I could barely stand it. Hobbled into the house, Sweetie was still in bed, and I was struggling on how to care for her. There was no way I could out maneuver her, so I just let her be. 

She was somewhere down the Dementia hole, and wasn't coming out soon. Gave her some Happy Medicine, and thought I'd put her on a once an hour regiment until she perked up. 

In the meantime, I was watching TV, cringing everytime I moved my leg, popping Ibuprofen for the pain, and putting heat on it. 

We needed to make a run to the grocery store, that didn't happen. Hoping that tomarrow will be better, just made due with what we have. 

As the day went on, Sweetie staying in bed, me on the couch, on the good side, that was the good side. 

Sweetie did come out and we had dinner, and then to bed. That was an experience in pain and agony. Everytime I moved, pain shot up my leg, and I struggled to find a comfortalbe position to find sleep. Soon, I was able, or the Ibuprofen kicked in, or both, and sleep came. 

What a wild ride today was. At one point, I thought we would crash and burn this day on the Road to Denentia Town. I saw the ditch heading our way very quickly. Driver with all His skill, avoided the danger, and we were able to continue with our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless.