Dementia is a evil nasty disease.

She's back 

Say hello to my new Sweetie Pie. I don't sleep alone anymore. Sweetie is a gift from the Hospice company. She is made from Sweetie's favorite sweat shirt, the one with the elephant on it. It is now like a tattoo on her leg. Now much like the last year of her life here on earth, I can talk to her without expecting her to talk back. 

Now when I leave, I tell her I'm going and will be back soon. When I get home, I can tell her I'm home, and she is safe once more. In the morning, when I get up, I put her on the pillows, so she can see me get up and leave the room. When it is bed time, I pick her up and hold her close to me, turn her towards me and put her little arms around my neck. Kiss her good night and off to sleep I go. 

I'm reading a book sent to me from one of my followers, to help me with my grieving. It is different then what I thought it would be, for it has opened up some old wounds. About me, my marriage, and our sex life. 

The author's wife was a sexual abuse survivor and a normal sex life with her was impossible. The middle of the book is about their sex life and how they overcame the challenges that lay in front of them. 

As I read this chapter, memories of my life with Sweetie flooded on the scene. You see, when we first starting seeing each other, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. In the car, in an empty room, on a picnic table, just about anytime or place would do. Then I did the unthinkable, I stepped out. If that wasn't enough, I told her about my unfaithfulness, and used it like a club. 

It took awhile to manifest itself, but she began to loose her enthusiasm for sex. She never denied me, but then again, it wasn't her full participation in the act either. I would call it "Maintenance Sex", just enough for me, but never again the full fireworks, toe curling love making. It is only now, thanks to my reader, that I can see that she felt distract from our love making. I had in the back of my mind that even with us staying together, and she said she had forgiven me my indiscretion, she still held it against me. At the same time, I wasn't easy to get along with either, by then, I was drinking heavily which only poured more gas on the fire that was burning down our marriage. 

By the time I joined AA, and started acting sanely, Sweetie's dementia had taken her too far down the Road to Dementia Town for us to attempt to make up the time lost. What it did was give me the opportunity to make a living amends to her. She became the vessel I could pour my love into, to see it work with her eyes, smile and the surprising "I love you." That bouquet of love flowers that decorated our lives together. 

Dementia is an evil nasty disease that robs its victims of their dignity, this I know. But this time, it gave me the time to show Sweetie just how much I loved her, how much she meant to me, and will now, carry her in my heart until we meet again. 

Driver is looking over my shoulder, putting His hand on my head, and agreeing with me. I will see her again, yet in the mean time, it is time to get back in the car, and motor down the Road to a New Life. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless. Arthur.