Frustration, Anger, Sundowners

Sweetie and Tweetie.

I would like to say that I was on my game yesterday, but that isn't what happened. Dementia is on the move. Drawing Sweetie deeper and deeper in to its clutches. I can always go through the thousand questions and what I could of done to prevented the unraveling of the day. Its what I do when we don't have good ending to the day. 

Yesterday started good enough. She slept until 10 in the morning, and because we were going to have lunch in a few hours we didn't have breakfast. Could that have been the catalyst? Who knows. When we left the grandkids home, she was aloof, so I gave her some more "Happy Medicine" in attempt to bring her back. To say the least, it just slowed the journey some. 

Soon she was off and running, being driven by the monster Dementia, she had to get out of the house and go and help those imaginary kids. People in the neighborhood are getting to know her. With everyone staying home, there are people out and will try to talk with her. I am grateful that we have such kind neighbors. 

I ended up blowing up at her later in the evening. I realize now that it was over control, control of something that cannot be controlled. I was feed up and she had wet her pants, soaked all the way and when I tried to get her cleaned up, she wouldn't let me near her, saying that she could do it herself, then she wouldn't, and around and around we went. You cannot argue with Dementia, or a 10 year old. At that point it seemed like they morphed into one stubborn person. My anger, frustration, and being tired with her just did not mix well. Eventually we got it together enough to make it to bed and sleep. 

I'm waiting to hear the horn marking the arrival of my Driver and that much needed ride with Him. To rest in the passenger seat, to talk to Him and feel the heartaches and frustration of yesterday just flow out of me, what a relief. Just thinking about our drive today has brightened my spirit. To switch gears and have nothing to fret about, that is what I need and will get, as we go down the Road to Dementia Town, driving without a care because my Driver knows where to take me. And as always, we will Keep our Shiny Side Up. I've been told that there is someone else out here, as she is driving Nigel, keeping her Shiny Side Up. Great to hear from you all, as you drive your Road to Dementia Town, Keeping Your Shiny Side Up. 

Puzzle, Pizza, and Easter Eggs.

Most of the Clan.

Today is a day that I look forward to. Its Pizza Day at the son's home. It is the only day that we get to see our grandsons on a regular bases. I've come to look to enjoy this excursion of the simple reason, I can relax for an hour or so. For whatever reason, Sweetie is on her best behavior while we are there, and I get an hour of adult conversation. 

Daughter-in-law and I have grown close over the years, more so since Sweetie started her journey and it is good for us. When you throw the grandsons into the mix, it makes for a rousing and fun time. The different personalities, each buying for attention, wanting to show, tell, or just become the center of attention is just as enjoyable for Sweetie as it is for me. 

Yesterday was a good day. I let her sleep in and while she was sleeping, I worked on our jigsaw puzzle. I felt it was good to relieve myself of the cares of being a caregiver, to have a distraction of what was to come later in the day. 

Now, when I hear Sweetie getting up, I head upstairs to greet her and, if I can, to sit on the potty, change her panties and use a wet wipe to clean her bottom. This is becoming a good thing, a clean bottom, makes for a happy morning. Who'd know? I also can give her, her anti meds. 

Spent the day doing yard work, setting up the humming bird feeders, putting sugar on the shopping list, and now we are waiting for the winged creatures to show up. New Mexico is on the migration path of many different birds, so I'm hoping that with the feeders out early this year, we will see some of the others as they migrate pass us on their way to where they will spend the summer. Many Easter Eggs yesterday. 

Spent some time sitting in the back yard, watching and listening to the birds. Sparrows, Doves, and others. Saw a hawk flying about 2 feet off the ground while we were walking the neighborhood. Sweetie gets so excited when she sees nature in action. 

What, is it that time again? Yep, Driver snuck in and tapped me on the shoulder. I jumped a mile when He did that. So, onward we go, heading out the door, grabbing my cool sunglasses along the way. I'll need them today, the report is clear skies and plenty of sunshine bouncing off the hood, or bonnet for my friends across the pond say, as we motor down the Road to Dementia Town, keeping our Shiny Side Up. Here's to you, and your drive today, Keeping your Shiny Side Up. See you tomorrow, Love Ya, God Bless.      

Adjust and adjust again.

Do I have to say anything? 
 

What was Sweetie like before dementia? As caregivers we want to remember those times when our loveones were alive, over flowing with words, deeds, and love. It seems that the more she goes down the Road to Dementia Town, the less of the bad stuff about her and our marriage I remember. Is it sorrow that I have to live with the shell of the women that I married over 32 years ago that is allowing me to be so melancholy? Or is it the fact that all those good times and bad times made us what we are today. 

To dwell in the past is a luxury that I cannot afford. If I do that I find myself getting angry about what has happened to us. When I get angry, I start feeling sorry for myself, and then I ... well, it just doesn't end well emotionally. When we got married, this wasn't the way it was suppose to end, it wasn't even a box to check on the list of thing we were going to do. 

Yesterday was a so, so day. She seemed a bit off from the day before. Yesterday, she was aloof, always seemed to be on the edge of sundowners. Walking along the edge, not jumping off, more like looking over the edge and wanting to step off into the abyss of nonsense. She was bossy, not listening, didn't need help in the potty, and that scares me. She didn't want me to help her do anything and that scares me too. I know as she moves into this new stage of her Dementia I'm going to adjust everything. 

I feel stupid as she moves down the road because I know she is going to do what Dementia tells her to do and when to stop moving. I would like to say, here is where she is going to stay for a long, long time. Because we've been at this for 10 years now, I know each step will happen and with each step, the steeper and faster the decline. 

Did have some Easter Eggs yesterday. Met some new neighbors, the introduction of "We're the Alzheimer's" helps when Sweetie goes into her makeup world conversations. Nice to know people understand. Who knows we might get the reputations of that crazy couple. Wouldn't mind that. 

Driver should be showing up soon, and I've had enough coffee to now have to get rid of it. Don't want to keep Him waiting. I know He doesn't mind me not being on time, for He has all the time in the world. Just wondering which car He'll bring today. What I do know, is that I'm just riding Shotgun, wearing my cool sunglasses, as we drive the Road to Dementia Town, keeping my basket near by as we are Keeping our Shiny Side Up. If you see us, try flashing your lights and we will wave. See you tomorrow, Love Ya, God Bless.