Living with the monsters: Dementia and sundowners.

She had me from the first look.

Moved on my thoughts. I've been in a praising mood about our son and his family. On what has been going on with them. The hard work, the success of his career, and the times we can just come over and talk. A great respite for me and letting them see his mom. I've also been muttering complaints about the 2 girls. Thinking that communication is a two way street, I took it upon myself to knock on the doors and see what will happen. 

Texted the oldest daughter yesterday about coming over and seeing her. I was shooting for a Saturday, because Monday thru Friday we have pretty much set a schedule. She would like us to come over on a Wednesday, her husband works on Saturday, I guess she wants him there too. Anyway, there is movement there and I'm happy. 

Maybe I'm doing it for myself too. I don't want any one of her kids to feel that I withheld her from them. I know the oldest daughter has a hard time with her mom's decline and doesn't know just what to do. You see it is easy for me to pull back because I didn't have a close relationship with my mother, and it seem the further apart, the better it was for us. I've learned that it isn't necessarily so. There are regrets that I have, so I have learned that if I don't at least make some effort, there may not be any done and resentments can form a scar on the heart that will never go away. 

Living with the monsters Dementia and sundowners has changed so many aspects of our lives. Not just the most obvious ones, but the more subtle ones. The family as a whole. The communications that are no longer there, the comradery of the Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, they are all different. This is part of the loneliness that I feel. 

The loneliness of doing all the heavy lifting, of all the caring for her. Yet, at the same time, it seems so easy and natural for me to do those things that have to be done. To speak softly and help her. To let her know, it is alright, that I'll be there to care for her. 

On her mirror, I wrote years ago a message to her and I see her attempt to read it almost everyday now. It simply this: 

 I will take care of you;

I will protect you;

and I will love you;

No matter what. 

With this promise, I have set my life's purpose before me, that no matter what, I have a mission statement that will guide us to the end of our trip. 

We had a good day yesterday. Was able to get her medication timing down and there wasn't much of a disturbance the whole day. She did wet through her pullups at the golf course, but I now carry extra pullups in the golf bag for just this. Amazing how when you plan for emergencies, they are not as bad as you think then they happen. 

Getting long in the tooth here, and my Driver is starting to get a little impatience with me. And at the same time, He knows I have things to say and we won't leave until I get done. I'm ready now and the smile is beaming on His face. So off we go. On to another adventure as we travel the Road to Dementia Town. Together, me and Driver, singing praises and hymns, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. I hope your adventure is a fun one for you to. As you drive down the Road To Dementia Town, Keeping Your Shiny Side Up. Love Ya and God Bless.    

No matter how strongly I hold her.

Love Birds

From the time we married, there were days that seem like a struggle, and then there were times that flowed like a river, smooth as glass barley noticing any movement on the surface, but knowing that there was a flow that if you let it, it would take you far, far away from where you are. 

That is like it is with Sweetie and me. I'm on the bank of the river watching her walk into the water, and the power of the current pulling her away from me. No matter how strongly I hold her, wrap my arms around her, I can't save her. What is worse, is I can't go with her either. I can only be there, watching, and wondering when she will just give into Dementia and let go. 

Yesterday, was all in all a good day, we kept pretty busy. Walk in the morning, and mowing the lawns, then a drive. When we returned home, I didn't want to just sit for we had been in the car for about 2 hours. Went for a walk. Good and bad idea. We were on our way back home, when sundowners and heat hit her. And of course she wouldn't drink any water when I saw that she was failing. So, we sat in a shady spot as I tried to get her to drink water. We were blessed when a lady and her son saw us and that we were in distress and offered us a ride. As I was explaining what was happening, she said her mom was just starting down the same path. Told her about the blog, I hope she visits it. 

Sweetie went straight to bed when we got home. When she got up, she was her old self again. 

Gotta mention dinner. Last night, we had pasta and tomato and meat sauce and she barley ate any because it was too hot. Once bad, no matter what, it will be bad. So, I tried it again and instead of having everything steamy hot, it was just above room temperature, still warm enough to enjoy, and enjoy she did. To the point of having addition portion when she finished the first portion. Seconds, for her in a long, long time. 

Driver is here, and He is ready to get the ride going. Time to hit the Road to Dementia Town. Time for me to get so more rest and understanding for I never know what each day will bring. My Driver knows, but He is so closed mouth about the future, He just tells me to trust, because He is in the driver's seat. And I do, so off we go, me, in the passenger's seat, wearing my cool sunglasses, and my Driver watching the road, slowing down for the dear to cross, and missing the pot holes as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping Our Shiny Side Up. Just let you know, there are dear out there, so keep an eye out for them, as you too, head down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping your Shiny Side Up. Take Care, Love Ya, and God Bless.     

So, all was good.

Its the smile, it has always been
the smile. 

Its 4:45 in the morning, I've done my morning meditational reading and prayer time, and now it is the time for me to open up my heart had tell you about yesterday. This blog, this journal, this diary, is something of a way for me to empty out yesterday and make room for what is waiting for me today. Like eating, if there isn't a way to make room for more food, if I eat and just continually eat, I get stuffed and uncomfortable, and eventually, ruin my health by getting fat. That is something that I shouldn't do, for I have a purpose in my life and that is another life. 

Sweetie doesn't know just how much she depends on me, and how much she puts a purpose in my life. I was thinking that life is like a job, or the military, or even a sports team. Anyone can join, if your healthy enough and can qualify for that activity, but to really get the benefits out of what you joined up to do, you have to work hard to become a sergeant, chief, officer, starter, or a manager, to get promoted. As for me, what is my promotion? My job will be finished when I don't have to care of Sweetie anymore, when I'll be footloose and fancy-free. From what I know, that may not be as enjoyable as it seems. As for now, I must be satisfied doing what I'm doing. Taking it one day at a time. 

We had a real good day and it was enjoyable. Up, breakfast, shower, and shopping. Had to buy a new coffee pot, the old one's switch wasn't working and would soon fail. So, we replaced it. 

Something of a revelations about eating. She usually eats almost anything I put in front of her, so she is eating well. Last night we had pasta with spaghettis sauce. I should of waited to let it cool down before I gave it to her, and she tried, and gave up on it. No matter how many times I tried to get her to eat, she just refused and we know what that can lead to if I push too hard. So, I got her a applesauce cup, she likes that. I also know that she had a good breakfast and lunch and wasn't starving so why worry if she doesn't eat. So, all was good.

Good? Yet, my Driver is here, He is always Good. The stay at my Oasis was well worth the side trip, I wonder what He has up His sleeve today. I do know, whatever it is, I'll get something I need out of it. So, off we go, me in the passenger's seat, Driver behind the wheel, and we motor down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. I hope you get what you need as you drive the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping Your Shiny Side Up too. Take care, Love Ya, and God Bless.