Lingering

Smile

Can I be frank for a moment? When we retired, and it was suggested that we use daycare as a way of giving me time to myself and some relief. I was willing to give it a try. At first it was a getting to know each other and when I was told that those who come to daycare, seem to add 2 or 3 more years of their lives because of the activity. 

At that time, I was the only caregiver Sweetie knew. When I was told of this  "wonderful news", I muttered under my breath, "Swell, just what I want to hear." And they say it with a smile on their faces. 

Like anyone that isn't living the 24/7 saga of Dementia, doesn't understand the challenges that it puts forth. The dred of the daily care and feeding of a spouse, a son or daughter, grandparent that we go through. It isn't that I am mean, it just means I want a release from those responsibilities that wake up with me and go to bed with me, resting to do the same thing over again. 

Tuesday 

As we progress into another layer of Dementia, Sweetie is up early again, and when I notice her moving, I go to get her. 

She is either trying to make or strip the bed, I don't know which. When I reach out to her, I feel that she is soaked. Believe me I was happy about that. It is a sign that she is getting hydrated. Gotta find the Easter Egg here. 

Off to the bathroom, strip, and showered and it clean clothes. Out to the living room for breakfast we go. 

As she is watching Winne the Pooh, I'm making her breakfast. Bran Flakes, insure and prune juice. Pour the insure on her cereal, then mix what is left over with some prune juice. She seems to like the concoction, and I like the results. I know when she is done, for she will just get up and head back to bed and sleep. 

I let her sleep until it is time to head out to the golf course. Here is where her slide becomes apparent. 

Two years ago, we used to walk the course, then she started fainting on the last part of the course. Then we progressed to the golf cart. When we did that, Sweetie would join me on the tees and walk to the greens. It was good for us. Now, it looks like I will be parking the cart in a place where she can watch me. 

Yesterday, she didn't make it through the 8th hole. She was leaning and holding on to me, as I headed to the car. 

Whether it was the heat, or lack of sleep, it didn't matter because she fainted as I was helping her walk to the car. After waiting until she recovered enough to get in the car, we got in, and off we went. Home, in bed, and waited for her to recharge.

Yesterday was also the day for the hospice doctor to make a house call. Because Sweetie was sleeping, it turned into an interview between him and me. 

I expressed something that he agreed with. A term that, for me, expresses the place we are now in. It is "lingering." To me, it fully embraces this time in our lives. The uncertainties of tomorrow, and the reality of today. 

I think the events of the day put me in a low emotional point, and I'm not recovered from it. For I know there are days ahead, Easter Eggs to find, and the comfort of being in the backseat with Sweetie holding my hand, Driver in the Front seat, still in control, still safely navigating the Road to Dementia Town, as we see and waive to others, for we are keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless. 

Burst into flames.

This is how I see her everyday

In the movie "Ghost", Sam would never say "I love you." He would say "Dittos." At one point, we even adopted "Dittos" as part of our love langue. We loved that movie. How even in death, it couldn't stop Sam from saving his love. As Sweetie trudges down the path of memory loss, I sometimes feel that I am Sam as I look after her.

The one part of the movie when Sam and the fortune teller merge so Sam can dance with her, are like those moments when Sweetie will have a flash of reality, and will tell me she loves me, and then gone. A moment of joyful reality, just enough to warm my heart and then it is gone. I do know that those moments will keep me sane for another day. 

Monday

I had the warning that things might be different and didn't see it. You see, Sweetie usually sleeps on her back, and this morning she was on her side. Still deeply asleep when I came in to get her. That should of been my first sign of difficulty and I ignored it. 

I thought she would get it together by the time we left for the golf course. It was a mistake in my judgement. 

We were able to get to the car without much difficulty, and even to the course. As we played, she just wasn't right, running out of energy, and at one time, started to wander away. 

I chose to leave early and head back home, and to bed for her. She seemed just out of it, and she was. At one point she headed for the backyard, thinking I had nothing to worry about, thinking she was safe. 

Then, that nagging feeling that I should follow her, and I was right. For I had forgotten to lock the gate, and out she went. Barefoot, 100 degree temperature, and hot cement walkway, I was off chasing her, got her corralled and back into the house safely. 

I was hoping that I could get her into the car, out to the mall for a walk about, that wasn't happening either. She just wanted to rest, then wander the house, then back to bed. 

This went on for most of the afternoon until I was able to get her Happy Medicine in her. As she settled down, and the Oil did its job, we were able to enjoy dinner, desert, and the evening. 

If nothing else that I've learned is this. The more she gets upset, if I stay calm and help guide her, she will come back to me. If I fight her, her Dementia feeds on my anger and my frustration to the point it only aggravates her and stokes the fire more. 

Is that the reason that Driver has a fire extinguisher in the front seat? Who is it for? Her or me? In the right time and place, He will choose who to use it one. If I'm too hot, it is for me. For I need to cool off. If it is for her, because I'm doing all the right things, it is His job to choose when and how to cool her off. As long as I keep going with the flow, Driver will be there, ready, able and willing to make sure the day ends in love and harmony. For it is just another day on the Road to Dementia Town, trying not to burst into flames, and we travel with our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless.  

 

The edge of insanity.

Happy together

The doing it, the putting it all in the right perspective, the insanity of going from a quiet, nice sitting to a huff of pacing from room to room? How do you do it? 

For me, it is knowing that it isn't her, it is the disease. Knowing that if I time it right, with either Hemp Oil or Stress Relief lotion, I can bring her back from the edge of insanity, the brink of anger behavior, and will have some time of closeness as the evening goes on. 

Sunday

What a day it was. There were highs and lows, and then the finish. 

It was another early raising for her. I was watching her on the Nanny Cam, when I saw her get up. Man, I'm finding that I can short circuit some behavior when I meet her at the bedroom door. I had to encourage her to get in the bathroom to change her. She didn't want to go there, so guiding her was called for. 

After I got her dressed, she went back to bed and to sleep. She has been sleeping so much more, I wonder if she is sleeping at night. 

When she did get up, and was watching our "Church", I noticed something. She was intensely watching the sermon. I think it is because the preacher is talking to her, at her, and only her. She connected to that eye to eye contact. 

In my meeting, it was mentioned that if there were more people in the room, the wife would get upset if her husband talked to the other people and not her. She had to be the center of her husband's attention. 

I found this to be true with Sweetie. When we are out, she gets upset when I spend too much time conversing with others. So, I get to work on making sure she isn't left out. 

Last night, she must of been upset about something. She was agitated and wouldn't let me help her. She was in and out of the bedroom, and so, I watched on the Nanny Cam. She stripped the bed, brought the sheets out and put them in the kitchen, brought the comforter out and left it in the living room. She was like a golf ball bouncing off the walls. 

At one point, I tried to stop her, and that made things worse. So, instead of fighting her, trying to make her stop, I just let it burn itself out. The more I interfered, the angrier she would get. So, when you find yourself in a hole, the first thing you do is stop digging. 

It was a combination of things, after the bed being stripped, and being remade, she took a glass of milk and headed for the bedroom. I could just imagine milk all over the bed, and then trying to clean it up, with Dementia running wild, I know my anger just might show up. So, I was able to get the glass away from her without too much confrontation. 

It was a wild evening. It wasn't until I was able to sit her down with me and put the Stress Relief lotion on her hand. A good amount, and within a short time, sanity returned and we finished our evening in peace and love. 

With the days growing longer, Driver and me have to keep our eyes out for those road hazards, detours, and pot holes. Not to mention the others that are traveling this Road to Dementia Town with us. Some slower, some faster, and some weaving back and forth. We just smile and wave, as we go, Keeping Our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless.