Back to living.

Memories, sea, sand and Sweetie.

I was doing pretty good yesterday. It doesn't matter how much I want the world to stop turning, for my reason in life is gone. It has been just over a month since I held on to her, and felt her shed these bonds of this world, and went on to her new life. Without pain, without tears, leaving me lingering as I wait for my turn to be once again with her. 

I think to myself, isn't strange that even when she is gone, I feel that she is still here. Not in a ghost like vision, but in a loving spirit. I find myself just "feeling" her. 

In those last years, she didn't talk much, and when she did, it was in her Dementiaies, a language only she could understand. Yet, in those quiet, calm times, when she would turn to me and tell me "I love You." For me, it is now so much more weighty as I think about it. I now feel that it was her love for me that would bubble up and out, through the maze of Dementia, from her heart, to tell me the most important thing I needed to hear. 

It was her heart pounding out the words I needed to hear at that time. No sooner were the words out of her mouth, and she would go back behind her curtain. She had done what she wanted to do, and delivered her message of love and encouragement. 

Monday

I have an early tee time today. Going to meet up with a fellow golfer from last week. When I got there, he wasn't there, and with a weather report of winds, I thought he canceled. 

Got teamed up with another gentleman, and off we went. When we had finished the first hole, my other person showed up. He was caught in traffic. So, we were a threesome. 

Conversation and golf was the play of the day. On the 5th hole, another caught us, and we became a foursome. It was one of the best days. Good players, good golf, and conversation. 

I have missed the conversation more than anything. The fellowship of fellow golfers is good medicine for my soul. 

After the game, and home again, it was time to attack the fallen tree. With a charged battery in hand and my chain saw in the other, I was off. The tree is really too big for my saw, and so, it is cut what I can, and clean it up little bits at a time. I cut until the battery ran out of power, and so tomorrow, I'll give it another go. 

Told myself, it is time. Just before Sweetie started her down her path to her finial destination, I had ordered a months worth of pull-ups, and overnight pads. It was time to do something with them. 

Getting shopping bags, I loaded them up, and took them to the daycare center I used to take her to. They remembered her, and were sorry for my loss, and happily received the supplies. I was happy and relieved that they were out of the house, and were going to be of service. 

The other thing was, I'm having 3 teddy bears made out of Sweetie's special clothes. The Hospice works with a lady that will make the bears. 

I want one, and I'm going to give the other two to her son and youngest daughter. The oldest doesn't want anymore memorabilia from her mom. She made that very clear to me. 

With that done, I did something that I've been putting off, I got the vacuum out and cleaned the living room, and kitchen. Small steps, but needed steps back to living my life. 

Driver greeted me this morning with a smile and a pair of sunglasses. He told me that I've been living in the shadows, and it is time for the sun to shine into my heart. For after all, there is life to be lived, and the Road to Life is full of bright spots. For after all, we will be driving with My Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless. Arthur.