Together again.

Tweety and me on Route 66

I know it has been a couple of weeks since my last post. Things are moving along at what I feel is a good pace. 

Lets start off with my missing my Sweetie Pie. It sometimes is worse than those first days. I believe that is the way I process things. Using the imagery of a BBQ. Putting the charcoal in the pit, adding the lighter fluid, and then the match. 

The coals explode in a fireball, and in a short time, the fire goes out. What is left is a pile of bricks with a ting of gray on their edges. If you stay and watch, or walk away, the gray areas grow, and in time, you have a hot bed of coals ready to cook on. 

After Sweetie passed, my tears, my broken heart, the waves of loss pour in and out and on me. No matter how much I had prepared for that time, it wasn't enough. For those of you who have been through this stage know exactly what I'm talking about. Those who are still in the waiting room, you will find out soon enough. When the waiting is over, there are not enough words of comfort that will comfort the hurt that suddenly arrives at your hearts front door.

For me, my mourning is about where the BBQ is. A bed of red hot, ready to cook, and waiting. Here is where I put my memories, my pain, the regrets, the resentments, the amends to her, all go on the grill and with careful turning, take them from a cold plate to a meal of delights that refresh the soul and give strength for another day. 

Now that I have my Sweetie Teddy Bear, when I travel I take her with me, sitting on my hip, while we car seat dance to the music. 

Driver, Sweetie and me on the Road to New Life, together again. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless. Arthur.  

 

Fast cars, lonely heart.

Dream time class. 

I know I haven't posted lately and it just isn't the same with Sweetie being gone. As I settle into my new life, things have begun to happen. 

As you can see, I went to my race car school. Learned how to drive on a professional course, did some drag racing, and what is cauld autocross racing. It was a blast. Had my son join me, just so I wouldn't be alone, and to have him take some pictures. He is all set to want to do this again, but with his wife. I too am ready to do another class. This one was just for beginners, and the next is for more serious drivers. 

As I write this, Sweetie has been home for 134 days, and I do miss her so. It seems like, and is, a big piece of my heart left with her. 

I've slowed down my desire to find someone new. A healthy woman that can be a comfort to me. It seems that when I was in Orange County last month, I started to become more comfortable being a widower. I need this time to marinate in my being alone, to draw in the memories of our years together. Not to rush and find that on the outside I'm OK, but on the inside I'm crying.

It doesn't do me any goods to seek out other relationships, it is just best to let them happen. I've been talking with a older couple at church, and found out that it is their third marriage, for both of them. They both lost their second spouses and now have been married for over 20 years. Right now, I think they are very good for me. 

Driver and me are now deciding which car to use. We've been in Tweety exclusively for the past 3 months and now we have the other car to drive. Just got it out of the shop, and I am making plans for two more trips. One out to Texas, and the other to central California. The one to California needs the taller car. I was told that Tweety just couldn't make the road, too rough. Driver and me are still out there, on the Road to New Life, but now we have two vehicles that have to Keep Our Shiny Side up. C'ya, Luv Ya and God Bless. Arthur. 

Dementia is a evil nasty disease.

She's back 

Say hello to my new Sweetie Pie. I don't sleep alone anymore. Sweetie is a gift from the Hospice company. She is made from Sweetie's favorite sweat shirt, the one with the elephant on it. It is now like a tattoo on her leg. Now much like the last year of her life here on earth, I can talk to her without expecting her to talk back. 

Now when I leave, I tell her I'm going and will be back soon. When I get home, I can tell her I'm home, and she is safe once more. In the morning, when I get up, I put her on the pillows, so she can see me get up and leave the room. When it is bed time, I pick her up and hold her close to me, turn her towards me and put her little arms around my neck. Kiss her good night and off to sleep I go. 

I'm reading a book sent to me from one of my followers, to help me with my grieving. It is different then what I thought it would be, for it has opened up some old wounds. About me, my marriage, and our sex life. 

The author's wife was a sexual abuse survivor and a normal sex life with her was impossible. The middle of the book is about their sex life and how they overcame the challenges that lay in front of them. 

As I read this chapter, memories of my life with Sweetie flooded on the scene. You see, when we first starting seeing each other, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. In the car, in an empty room, on a picnic table, just about anytime or place would do. Then I did the unthinkable, I stepped out. If that wasn't enough, I told her about my unfaithfulness, and used it like a club. 

It took awhile to manifest itself, but she began to loose her enthusiasm for sex. She never denied me, but then again, it wasn't her full participation in the act either. I would call it "Maintenance Sex", just enough for me, but never again the full fireworks, toe curling love making. It is only now, thanks to my reader, that I can see that she felt distract from our love making. I had in the back of my mind that even with us staying together, and she said she had forgiven me my indiscretion, she still held it against me. At the same time, I wasn't easy to get along with either, by then, I was drinking heavily which only poured more gas on the fire that was burning down our marriage. 

By the time I joined AA, and started acting sanely, Sweetie's dementia had taken her too far down the Road to Dementia Town for us to attempt to make up the time lost. What it did was give me the opportunity to make a living amends to her. She became the vessel I could pour my love into, to see it work with her eyes, smile and the surprising "I love you." That bouquet of love flowers that decorated our lives together. 

Dementia is an evil nasty disease that robs its victims of their dignity, this I know. But this time, it gave me the time to show Sweetie just how much I loved her, how much she meant to me, and will now, carry her in my heart until we meet again. 

Driver is looking over my shoulder, putting His hand on my head, and agreeing with me. I will see her again, yet in the mean time, it is time to get back in the car, and motor down the Road to a New Life. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless. Arthur.