What is the price of love.

Sweetie wearing her Christmas gift shirt. 

 

So, here I am again, working on this blog, thinking about what to say, how to say it, and asking myself why? Why am I here? I read your comments, and am pleased that you find comfort, understanding, and to some an example of a loving and caring husband taking care of his wife who has this terrible disease.

There are times when I just want to stomp out the door, feel sorry for myself, to raise a fist to God, and cry, "It isn't fair!" "What have I done to deserve this?" What has Sweetie done to have her being taken away from both of us? Aren't these the question we have asked ourselves when there is this huge hole in our hearts and souls. I can't help but think that here is a big hole in Sweetie too. 

Its times when I just cannot help myself every time I see her. When she walks into the room, seeing that she is a shell of the woman I married and lived with for 34 years. That it is this, love. Love and only love could give me the tools that are needed to see this job through. 

When we met many years ago, I thought I knew love. For I had met a beauty that was a lustfully, passionate, lover that knew no boundaries. For love, at that time, was kept alive in the bedroom.

As time went by, the lust and the passion lost their edge and we slowed down. Such is life. Our foundation was set, and we got on with our daily lives, working, taking care of the kids, making decisions that kept us on an even keel. 

I came to see marriage as two oxen pulling a cart down the road. As long as they pulled together, the cart called marriage stayed on the road. It was when something caught one of the oxen's attention and it pulled the cart over to far, the cart would turn over. When that happened, they would have to stop and right the cart and head down the road again. 

Right now, I feel that I'm the only one pulling the cart. My partner ox isn't pulling her weight and I have a choice to make. 

In the movie, African Queen, Humphrey's character has a choice to make, either die or get back in the water with the leaches and pull the Queen down stream. What does he do? Gets back in the water. 

That is the best visual that I can come up with, and that is were we are. The Queen is going to be the Queen no matter what happens. Bogart and me, we are the ones that have to decide. I'm with Bogie, and into whatever water that we are in, so am I, leaches and all. 

That is what love has come to mean. My Driver's Son once said that love is when one is willing to lay down his life for someone else. In our case, I may not lay down my physical life for Sweetie, what I am willing to do is put whatever life that could have been, I'm willing to put it on hold until this adventure comes to its completion.  

Speaking of my Driver, He's at the door, with His arms crossed and tapping His foot. I'm late, EEE GADSSSS. Gotta run, the doors open and He has put my cool sunglasses on the dash, into the seat, buckling up, glasses on and here we go. Down the road to Dementia Town, and as always Shinny Side Up. You know, it isn't really that bad of a life with Sweetie, my Driver and you. I know Easter Eggs are out there, and so are you, as you drive yourself, Keeping your Shinny Side up. 

Oh, one more thing. I've been asked about what Hemp Oil and Lotion I use on Sweetie. I get my Hemp Oil from Amazon and the brand is New Age, and the Lotion is Aromatherapy Stress Release Body Lotion from Bath and Body Works.

   

How I spend my time.

2016 Merry Go Round at Knott's Berry Farm.

Its Friday already. It seem like the weeks are running by. As a member of the human race, time is a flowing status of life. There are weeks that seem like a year. For what ever reason, it seems like the days are flying by this month. Before I retired, days and weeks went by according to the amount of joy were in them. The more the joy, the faster they went by. 

Time as a state of mind while I'm taking care of Sweetie, seems like a constant, or at some point, a step up, a little faster and the days just seem to fly by. One of my biggest fear as being a caregiver, was that time would go slowly by. That each day's 24 hours would seem like a 36 hour day. I'm finding that not to be true. Yea, I'm up a 2 or 3 in the morning, and spend the next 5 hours playing on the computer, doing my social media, preparing and writing this blog, and getting a little breakfast. 

I've found that my compassion quotient has increased as Sweetie moves further and further down the road to Dementia Town. Take yesterday's evening. After dinner, she started acting something was happening. Acting as if she had to pee. I took her to the potty, got her pants down, found that she had been sitting in her mess. Immediately, I felt so sorry for her, that what I saw was terrible, my first thought was get her out of that and into a shower. She was such a mess that trying to wipe her clean was out of the question. In a messy way, this is an Easter Egg. Shes been constipated for about 4-5 days. She isn't now.

I know that she doesn't know what her body is doing and at the sometime, if she did, she wouldn't know how to tell me what is going on. In all respects she is a baby, dependent on me for all that she needs and it is my job to interpret her body language. As in learning any foreign language, there are actions that have multiple meanings to each movement. Then it is my job to find out what is going on. One of my first inclination is to head for the potty, easiest to see and than go from there. 

Lately to make our walk around more pleasurable, I bought a over the shoulder bag, with elephants on it, her favorite animal, to put her supplies in. It is the easiest solution to keep us on our way. I have all that is needed to keep Sweetie out of the house, so we can get more exercise. Because the bag is new, I can't wait until it softens up and becomes more form fitting. I am going to see if Sweetie would like to carry the bag. I know that would make her happy because she likes to help. 

It amazing that I find stuff to talk about. When I sit down, I never know where this blog is going and at the same time, I know where it will end. It ends when my Driver lets me know its time to go. The car is ready, clean and shinny. I'll put the final touches on this post, out the door I go. He'll be there holding the door open as I slip into the passenger's side. As He closes the door, I get buckled in, put on my sunglasses and we're off. Heading down the Road to Dementia Town, looking cool as we go, keeping our Shinny Side Up. I have no idea how many stops we'll make, maybe we'll meet you at one of them. I'll know its you, because you'll have your Shinny Side Up too. God Bless. 

       

Still looking for a place for Sweetie.

Sweetie is making friends wherever she goes.

When Sweetie got up yesterday, she was damp. When I checked the bed, it was damp too. Her depends were full and now I have to wonder, do I stop giving her water, or sit her down on the potty and try to get her to urinate before she goes to bed? When I get her down on the potty, she starts a line of she doesn't know how, or she doesn't know how, an wants to get off as soon as possible. I've thought about getting a rubber under-sheet for her to sleep on. As of now, it looks more like migration of liquid instead of a overflow, or am I denying myself the truth? 

We're going through another bout of constipation. So, I'm getting ready to go to the oatmeal for 2 days, 2 meals, diet. Last time I did this, she got going and emptied her body. I just worry about the timing of the diet. Which I think is silly because it is her health that is important, not where it is convenient for me to take care of her. 

Yesterday, I played golf, had the best day I've had to date, 2 birdies 2 pars. The reason I think I'm getting better, is because of the fact I'm keeping score. When I wasn't keeping score, it wasn't a personal challenge. I want to put an edge on my game before I go to my squadron reunion in Florida. 

Right now, I'm having a heck of a time finding a place for Sweetie to stay when I'm gone. I don't think she can take the road trip, and I need this time for my respite. By nature, I'm a social butterfly and if I do end up taking Sweetie, I cannot do the things I'd like to do. You can understand why. I think today I'm going to make a trip over to the Alzheimer's Associations office and get some information on places around town. 

All in all, yesterday was a good day for us. I've been giving Sweetie her anti-anxiety meds before going to daycare and I don't know if it is helping. I do know when I pick her up, she is heading for the door before I get in. She wants out. I think it is her shadowing and she is suffering separation anxiety when I'm not with her. One of the caregivers had to quit and I think she was the one that could handle Sweetie. Monday, they are bring in a new worker and my hope is Sweetie will bind herself to this new caregiver and relieve her of her separation anxiety. Time will tell. 

One thing about Dementia, is you can't get it to do or go where you want it to go. I'm using the Hemp Oil and Stress Relief lotion more often now. I think I've lost the fear of giving her too much, or an overdose if that is at all possible. Instead of waiting for any symptoms to manifest themselves, I'm more willing to give her on a schedule. I used to not give anything to her when she gets up. Now I start her day off with a dose. I find her more compatible to take it then when she heading for the edge. So glad I've found this regimentation.  

Yesterday was one big Easter Egg, and I'm happy with that. 

OK, Driver has returned from the gas station and we are ready to hit the road. Just stepping out the door, and seeing that shinny car. He's holding my door open, and I'll hope in, pull down the visor to get my cool sunglasses and we motor down the Road to Dementia Town. Look good, Keeping my Shinny Side Up. We just might take the mountainous route today, get some fresh air. Why don't you join us, driving the scenic route, while you keep your Shinny Side Up. Don't forget your shades. God Bless.

 

Movie day, just enjoying life

Having fun at Disneyland.

Will a new haircut make or break you? What fun to ask that question, because one of my worries was that Sweetie would wake up the next morning and see her hair was gone. Nope, no reaction, just up and at 'em. I know I enjoy the easier maintenance of her shorter hair. The test will come when we shower and wash her new shorter hair. I can just imagine how easy it will be to dry it. 

Tuesday is a mixed bag morning for us. I usually have a friend over and we talk about our week, whats going on, and how our lives are doing. He lost his wife about 6-8 months ago, and we have been working through his grief together, while he is helping me cope with being a caregiver. Most of the time, Sweetie sleeps in, yesterday, she was up early so she joined us. I've gotten comfortable enough to speak clearly about what is going on with her, her dementia, and how we are coping with it in front of her. She has progressed enough where she is no longer offended with me talking about her dementia. A Easter Egg of sorts. 

Yesterday was our movie day, we saw "Call of the Wild" and it was good for Sweetie. She loved all the animals, especially the dog. I like Harrison Ford, he sure has come a long way from Star Wars and Indiana Jones. Even though, I saw some reminisce of Indy in his character in this movie. I felt a yearning of sorts with this movie, the desire to get away from it all, to go far enough away as to forget the pain of a loss, to get a fresh start, and be carefree. To see the struggles the challenges that Harrison faced as he and his companion as they went on their adventure off the map. 

When we made it home, it was time to call it a day. So, doses of Happy Medicine, kick off the shoes, and settled in for the evening. I've found a new cooking show that really makes cooking simple. Its Jamie Fast and Easy 5 Ingredients. I'm thinking of getting his cook book. He's fun to watch, and meals are easy to prep. Just means I'd have to change my shopping to get some of the food he cooks. This brings us to dinner. Not having pre-planed dinner, had to come up with something easy. Ahh, frozen hamburger patties, stuffed with cheese, tater tots, sound good and easy. To my surprise, Sweetie went after it like a pro. I cut up her patty, and kept mine whole, she kept looking at mine and comparing it to hers.  As I would cut and eat, she would eat. When she watched me put a tot and meat together she tried it that way too. Yum, and that was all it took. Boom! Gone. Bonus, made jello for dessert, and she went after that too. Good to see her eat that way. Second Easter Egg. 

One of the things that is disheartening is her ability to swallow her vitamin pill. Going to watch and see how it will work out. Maybe try some of those gummy bear vitamins. 

I think I'm going to try and surprise my Driver and beat Him to the car. He took it and polished it up after our last drive. Should be a sight to see. Slipping into the passenger seat, pulling the cool sunglasses from behind the visor, and riding down the Road to Dementia Town, watching the sun reflect off the hood, just keeping our Shinny Side Up. Don't forget, I'll be watching out for you, as we drive down the road. Keep your Shinny Side Up, it works better that way. God Bless. 

  

What a Day for Easter Eggs.

Sweetie's now has a haircut that is like this.

Lets start off with something good. For months I've been talking Sweetie into getting her hair cut. It was getting below her shoulder blades. Not that the length is terrible, its simply the fact I'm a guy, a bald guy on top of that, with hair envy, doing what I can to keep her hair neat. Plus she sheds like a collie and we have hair every where. Lordy, you should see the inside of our cars. When we do laundry, it spreads her hair to all the cloths in the wash. I've got her hair in my socks. 

Anyway, yesterday, it was time for my monthly haircut. So, after picking her up from daycare and getting lunch, we stopped at my haircut place. Sweetie has to sit next to me while I'm getting my hair cut, and the lady cutting my hair, remembers Sweetie. We start talking about my desire to get her hair cut and she starts talking with Sweetie. Funny how things turn out, as she is talking to her, she talks about her cutting Sweetie's hair and the next thing we know, she is in the chair, and away we go, haircut stage center. Cut about 7" of hair. She looks wonderful. I'm tickled to death and it was so easy. It took just the right place, the right beautician, and we got it done. What a Easter Egg!

Got something else done. Over the weekend, I had a rock chip the windshield. Of course, I heard it before I found it. A pretty good size chip, and wanted to get it fixed ASAP. As we were heading for our mall walk around when I spotted a place to get it fixed. Because it is covered by my auto insurance, the only reason not to get it done is time. Being retired has two types of time, and both are my time. They are waiting time and I don't want to wait time. The chip repair falls into, I don't want to wait time category. Seeing that the store wasn't that busy, we stopped and got it done. Took longer then I wanted, but the chip was patched and off we go. Went home after that, the mall will be there when we try again later this week. 

Sunday night, we had mac and cheese with hamburger. Sweetie barely ate half of what I gave her. I tried it for dinner again last night. This time she ate it all. She was a little hesitant but down it went. 

We had two good Easter Eggs yesterday. Hair and food. Had a little sundowners and to counter that I was infusing Hemp Oil and Lotion to counter act the sundowners and then to keep ahead of it. 

I found Scoobie Do on Netflix last night, something that is fun to watch and Sweetie giggled along with the cartoon, so I've added that to our watching list. What a joy to find something that keeps her smiling. Hey, that's Easter Egg number three! See, they are there, it maybe the next day when you find them, just keep looking. 

Tap, tap, tap on the door jam and guess who stuck His head in the doorway? Yep, my Driver. He's pointing his finger at me, and giving me the "Come with me, young man." motion. So, I better put down the keyboard, put my shoes on, and head to the car. For it is time for another adventurous trip down the Road to Dementia Town. Getting in, buckling in, and putting on my cool sunglasses, for after all, with a bright sun shinning down on us, we'll be easy to spot. We're the ones with our Shinny Side Up, and I'm the one leaning back, with the window open wearing my cool sunglasses. Hey, is that you, cool sunglasses you got on and man, I see your driving with your Shinny Side Up too. God Bless.       

Coffee, Kilts, and Conversation

This is from our last visit to the Highland Games.

Sometimes I feel like we're neighbors and I have you over for a cup of coffee. I know I've set of this blog to talk about my life with Sweetie and what we go through. Today's picture is with me wearing my colors. The kilt is a gift from my beloved Uncle Art. He made a trip to Scotland, and had it made there. We lost contact years ago, after my father's death. He sent it to me on my birthday. It still had the stitching to hold the pleats together. I wear it in loving memory of him, thanks Uncle.

 

What would I tell you about Sunday? As we sit, coffee and maybe some donuts or sweet roll to share. I would tell you we had a semi-good day.  I would tell you that Sweetie is in a fading time. She has been pretty steady for the past couple of weeks. Now I see a little less of her. It is like this disease, this shrinking of the brain, as it eats away at who Sweetie is, I can't put my finger on it, it is just something is gone. One less bit of personality, of memory speak, that wasn't there today, something noticeable and at the same time, undetecable.

 

She is eating less and that concerns me. We had scrambled eggs and spam for breakfast. I've switched to spam instead of bacon, we've wasted so much bacon, that is for another time. Before, she'd eat all that I portioned out for her. Now, she eats about half. We had mac and cheese mixed with hamburger. Last time she couldn't get enough, this time, about half again. 

 

Now that we are talking about it, when we shower, I've noticed how skinny she is getting. Her arms, her tummy and pelvis area show it the most. I watch her catch balance, just standing and poof, off balance. Water is still something that we don't drink enough of. So I'm re doubling my effort to remember to drink more and get her to drink more. 

 

Last night, after my meeting, I was talking with a fellow and Sweetie jumped in and started talking with him. I don't know if people are trying to polite, or trying to understand what she is saying, but to me, it shows that she is paying attention to who I'm talking to and wants to be part of it. 

 

I keep a bottle of Hemp oil in the car so that when we go someplace, I will give her a dose as a precautionary care just to make sure she is OK. Like today, when I pick her up from daycare, she more than likely be worked up and excited to see me and then sad. When I get in the car, I'll give her some "Happy Medicine" and within about 15 to 30 minutes she's fine. 

 

Checking the weather and it looks like a good day for golf. Haven't heard from the last facility that I was seeking information about to put Sweetie in while I go on my April trip. Oh, that reminds me, I may or may not post while I'm away. The only other device I have is my phone, and can you imagine me trying to put together a post like this using my smart phone? I'll try, but I can't promise anything yet. 

 

So, here we are, getting ready to get the day started and on down the road. Ah, there is a knock on the door, its my Driver and he is eager to get going. So, until tomorrow, you know where I'll be. I'm the cool one, with my cool sunglasses on, riding with my Driver as we head on the road to Dementia Town, as always, keeping my Shinny Side Up. That goes for you too. There is never a reason not to keep your Shinny Side Up either. Rain, snow and mud can always be washed away, it doesn't mean you have to enjoy the bad weather, just remember there is a Shinny Side under the road dirt. God Bless.   

Big Boys Don't Cry.

I stumbled across this picture, I miss my Sweetie.

Sunday morning, and when I saw this picture of my Sweetie, I suddenly want to cry. So, I did. What good does it do to be macho and say "Big Boys don't Cry."? When that is a bunch of baloney. Big boys do cry. Whose going to know? I know you won't tell anyone else that I'm a big crybaby. 

There are times when I surprise myself with the pictures I post. When I select them, there isn't any pulling of the heart strings, then as they go on the page there is a change inside of me. I can feel the quivering inside of me, and heavy heart, the misty eyes then the tears and crying starts. It may last a moment or two, or longer. It all depends on when my heart can't take anymore. Then it needs a dumping of sorrow and a refreshing refill of love. Tears, Dementia, and Love, what a trio. 

Yesterday, Sweetie slept into 11. After breakfast, it was up to take a shower, washed her hair, and got ready for the day. Choice of activity was grocery shopping. There was a little sprinkle of rain, the clouds made for a gloom sky, so I did my best to keep Sweetie in a upbeat mood. As we walk the aisles she is holding onto my arm, like we're going to the prom, listening to the music in the background, catching a tune and humming along. I just thank God for those musical memories. They produce a knowing look, the twinkle in her eyes, and we smile that knowing secret smile. Poof, its gone. Easter Egg. 

Got an invitation to the Alzheimer's golf fund raiser, gosh has it been a year already? Played in it last year, had a good time. Don't know if daycare will allow me to bring Sweetie in early enough to get to the course in time for tee off. I'd like to play, so, I'll ask daycare. What is the worse they can say? No. 

I'm ahead of myself this morning, already planned on what to eat for dinner. Something that has come about, something simple. Mac and Cheese and hamburger. Yep, scramble the meat, cook the mac and cheese, and then mix them together. Simple, easy, and we have dinner with left overs. Last time I made this, Sweetie just went after it. I hope she does the same this time. 

Got ice cream for dessert and found out, I made a bad choice. Peanut Butter something. It has nuts in it, and Sweetie has developed a soft mouth and won't eat it. Oh darn. Next time, no nuts, please remind me of that next time. OK? 

Thanks for letting me cry on your shoulder, it was good for me. 

The sun is making itself known, and there is a knock on the garage door. You know what that means, my Driver has arrived and He is ready to get this show on the road. The Road to Dementia Town. I had to stop and look at that phrase. Is it me, or does this sound like a title of a Bob Hope and Bing Crosby movie? If it is, the spot like is on us, me and my Driver. I've got my sunglasses on, looking cool, as we pull out of the garage, heading for the highway, and as always Keeping our Shinny Side Up, looking for the Easter Eggs, and may you, as always, as you motor to your destination, keeping your Shinny Side Up. We'll keep an eye out for you and wave when we see you. God Bless.   

  

 

Times gone by, memories are set loose.

At the Grand Canyon. 

I choose this picture because it was taken on our anniversary. For years I hiked the Canyon and I wanted to share it with her. She is not a hiker by nature and there are paths that go around the rim and she could get some idea of why I enjoyed my hikes there. Dementia showed up and we had to cut our vacation short. We made some great memories for a short while. 

I just love that we did travel as much as we could. We used to make trips to California and stay in a little motel on Beach Blvd, in Huntington Beach. Walk across the street and we were on the beach. Or just down the street a couple of block to Main Street. Turn left and go up the street to shop, eat, or just get lost in the memories of times forgotten. Or we'd turn right and head for the pier, and walk the pier. The path so familiar, yet so new every time we were there. 

The more time changes, the more things stay the same. As we'd walk, there were the fisherman/woman, lining the sides, with their buckets of bait and their caches of fish. When I was a boy and my father would bring me down to the pier, it was, as you would expect, WWII veterans and their sons, spending a leisurely Saturday fishing, more talk then fish. Now the population has changed and the fishermen reflect that change, not the fishing. Kids that wore tee shirts and Kids, have been replaced by the younger generation with tattoos. The more things change.... Fishing will always be the same. 

Sorry about that small side trip, but back to now. We went and saw Sweetie's Neurologist. It was just a get to know you meeting, getting caught up. I told her about this blog, and she said she'd look in to it. I got what we went there for, the letter that Sweetie is no longer able to care for herself, to make any decisions for herself, so I can get a POA validated. So, now the next step is to get the POA active. 

When I told the doc about the success that we have been enjoying using the Hemp Oil and Stress Relief lotion, she was impressed. So was her assistant, you know the one that takes the stats before the doc comes in. The only thing that upset Sweetie was getting her blood pressure done. As the pressure built on her arm, she suddenly jumped and yell "Ouch!" I had to hold her because she had forgotten what was happening. I blame myself, because it is so normal for you and I that there was the strange mental blank spot that blocked me from telling her what was going to happen. We did survive the experience.   

A word about my learned knowledge about sundowners. Learning never quits. With that said, I'm always on the look out for sign of the on set of symptoms. Sometimes it comes in the form of heavy breathing, sometimes in her suddenly talking about the "boys", sometimes just some extra firmness as she holds my had. I've gotten over the idea that there is too much or too many times to give her a dose of Hemp Oil, or put some lotion on her neck. There are period of times that can last as long as 4-5 hours, then there are times, especially in the "sundower's time zone" that once an hour seems to work good. The as needed works well then. 

It's Saturday morning, and Sweetie will be sleeping in, and I'm thinking of what we are going to do today. Our puzzle is almost done, less then 25 pieces to go, showers are in the forecast, so outside activities are not looking good. Maybe some grocery shopping, or just walking around Costco or Walmart. 

This I do know, there will be a sunrise and a sunset. What ever happens in between those times, me and my Driver will be heading down the road to Dementia Town. When I first took on letting my Driver drive, I was pushing that imaginary brake pedal on my side of the car. I've learned to trust His driving skills to the point I can now sit back, buckle up, put on my sunglasses so I don't get blinded as the sun bounces of the hood, because, as you know, we are traveling with our Shinny Side Up. God Bless as you travel your road, and it is OK for you to Keep Your Shinny Side Up. Wow that's bright.  

    

Easter Egg at the Dentist?

Sweetie and her "Little Boy".

Here we are, Friday morning, wondering where the week went. Isn't just like life? There are weeks that seem like years and then, just like that your week is gone. Poof, and there you are on Friday wondering how you got here so quickly? 

Maybe I should count my lucky stars that I have week has gone like that. I know being busy helps, facing down giants, getting things done help. There are times when I just want to sit on the couch and become a couch potato and yet I know I can't. Monotony can be the same trap as being too busy. Sometimes I wish I could find a balance to it. Isn't that what we caregivers would like? With Sweetie living here, the balance seems to be wavering all the time. Those days of sundowers, depression and fear are balanced by the days when all that I'm doing for her lines up and we have a great day. 

Yesterday was her dentist appointment to get her teeth cleaned. I was concerned that she would panic and cause a scene. From the time of extra waiting time for her Dental Hygienist, I was on pins and needles. Knowing that she has a very short time period during times like these. The good thing was her Hygienist knows this and was out telling us what was causing the delay.When dealing with anything that involves more than one human being, there seems to be difficulties that can't be avoided.  

When we did get back to the "room", Sweetie did what I hoped she do. Her body overruled her brain, know what to do and did it. Into the chair, opened her mouth, and the cleaning began. 

I had the opportunity to have a live adult person to talk to so I rattled on and on. Getting adult responses back which sounded like music to my ears. Yes, I can hear adult conversations on TV, but its a monologue, and not a conversation. Being a caregiver is sometime like always having a monologue with myself. Sweetie can't get me an intelligent answer, she may hear what I'm saying to her, her response back to me is so.... I think you all know what I'm trying to say. It is sad and yet it is better than nothing. 

The same goes for when she starts telling me her story about "Those Boys over there." Always the same, always the tears, the quivering chin, and finishing with taking them to God. Its when she is in this story telling mode, I will encourage her to keep telling me things in the story knowing the end anyway. 

Today we are going to see her Neurologist for the first time in over 2 years. I needed a letter certifying that she can't make decisions for herself to get a POA enforced. Because they hadn't seen her for a long period of time, they want to make that decision with a visit. I thought it would be good for us to see them again. Maybe make plans to have a yearly check up, won't hurt. 

Still looking for a respite place for Sweetie. The new place we visited the other day hasn't called me back, and I kinda thought that would happen, so I''m not stressed, yet. I'm letting my Driver take care of this. You don't know just how hard it is for me to sit and do nothing. Being a man, male by birth, I want to fix things now, get answers now, and that isn't how this world works. Just the fact I'm taking care of Sweetie doesn't make others in the equation equal with the same stress that I have. They have there own stress and I may have just added to theirs. If I was driving, I'd be flooring it, and running through red lights. Good thing my Driver knows better. 

If you hadn't figured it out by now, the dentist visit was the big Easter Egg of the day. There were some that were harder to find, they were there and I found them. 

The sky is turning red, and I hear the garage door going up. You know what that means? Time to head for the car, I call shotgun! Find out what tunes my Driver has for us to listen to today. Putting on our sunglasses so we can look cool as we drive down the road to Dementia Town, and as always, keeping our Shinny Side Up. Hey you, who are you behind those sunglasses? Are you keeping your Shinny Side Up? Let me know, write a comment and let me know how your doing. Lets make this a conversation.  

Respite care. Time to get busy.

A fun picture of a picture with some Navajo art.

Is this the time to say, "Here I go again."? Before I start to explain this question, I feel I need to tell you what a great day Wednesday was. It only had on fly in the ointment, and that wasn't enough to block out the joy I had. 

Of course, Wednesday was the now daycare/golf adventure. 

When I dropped Sweetie off, it was the first don't want to go, and once inside she couldn't get me out fast enough. I tell her that I'll be back as quickly as I can, all the time knowing that it will be 4 hours when I return. 

My golf game was better than normal. Teamed up with another man who was a Vietnam Vet. We had much in common. Our game, our conversation came easily, and I had one of the best games in along time. Got a birdie and a par, in succession. Usually it is, for every good hole, there are one or two holes in between the good holes. That made the game a game to remember. 

We also had an appointment with a facility that I had been talking with in my attempt to find a respite stay for Sweetie. To be fair, the only reason I've been courting this place is because they are close. I've had problems getting them to respond to my inquires. Yesterday was more of the same. We had an appointment, and when we arrived, they put us in a office, said our person would be right in, and we waited, and waited. We left. As we were walking out to the car, the receptionist came out and said our person was coming now. Nope, not good enough, we're out of here. 

Lucky for us, there is another place I knew, further away than I'd like, but available. Stopped in, talked with a supervisor and she made me feel comfortable. I know I have to plan ahead for Respite care because these places are not hotels that keep open room. So I have to reserve a place for Sweetie well in advance. Hoping that I don't go scurrying around to find someplace that is either too expensive or not good for Sweetie. So now I'm waiting to hear from this new place today. Stand by. 

The rest of the day, with CBD and lotion, we made it through. It was a good evening, very little sundowners, and we even went out for an evening meeting. Driving at night is getting harder and harder for Sweetie. So there is a running conversation on what we are doing, where we are going, and will I help her. Its almost like a ping pong game, ping: where are we going? Pong: going home. Ping, pong and so on. I just accept it and because I know she is afraid, I answer her questions with love and with the idea that I'll get her to smile. A smile means so much, it means she feels safe, and that my friends is half of the battle. Easter Egg.

Well, we have a dentist appointment for Sweetie today, and other things that are yet to be seen. She is getting her teeth cleaned, and I'm hoping that her body will remember what is going on and she will not fight it. 

I'll be talking to my Driver about how we can make her feel relaxed. I'm sure He has an answer for me as we drive down the road to Dementia Town, keeping our Shinny Side Up. You, yes you, remember, this road is bumpy, twisty, and full of surprises. Be careful as you drive yourself down the road, keeping your Shinny Side Up. God Bless.     

Sweetie and me. A love Story.

Easter, seems like a lifetime ago. 

How many times has your time gotten away from you? This morning it seems like I've found one. For someone that doesn't seem to have  a schedule, being retired, I still find myself running late. 

Was trying something new on the post and it cause me to not know what I did, and because of my misdoing, I'm late on this post. Thank you for understanding. 

Yesterday was our movie day. We saw "The Photograph." It was good. Sweetie seem to be able to follow it, even though there was a flashing of time from the now to the past and back again. I think because it was two love stories in one movie. 

It is getting more difficult to get Sweetie to understand what we do when we go to the movies. She just knows she is with me and Don is someone that she recognizes as a friend. She isn't sure who he is until he walks to the car. She has forgotten, or no longer understands, that he is blind and she will wave to greet him. I tell her that he will do it by himself. 

Yesterday was one of those days that "reasonably happy" was easy to find.  Sometime regularity is a good thing. Having something to do makes for a "reasonably happy" easy to find. 

After the movie and home then it was time to do some house work. Got the vacuum out, and had her vacuum the carpet. It has become a normal reaction for her to say that she doesn't know how to do whatever she is doing, and while she is telling me that, she is on her way to doing what she says she doesn't know how. That is always fun for me to hear and then watch the exact opposite. Easter Egg. 

Last night, made up some marinara sauce and pasta for dinner. Dinner is always a hit or miss affair with Sweetie. Last night was a hit. As we sat down, she, again, told me how "big" her portion was. Then the next thing I know, its gone. Love those Easter Eggs, especially when they aren't expected. 

Her memory is failing quite a bit lately. Just a week ago, she knew the difference between a fork and spoon. Now, its a good chance she will bring the wrong utensil, and if doesn't matter, good. She will even stand over the drawer, pulling out forks, and ask if that is what I want. If I tell her no the spoons, they are next to the forks. She will move over to the larger forks and completely ignore the spoons. She just doesn't relate the words to the object. This is something that I have to accept. I'm thinking of emptying out the drawer and leave only 2 forks and 2 spoons. That way she won't have too many choices to choose from. Stay tune for results. 

Our evening was good. I'm getting better with the application of Stress Relief lotion and Hemp Oil. When I rub the lotion on the back of her neck, I don't have to put that much on her. About 1/4" of lotion in my finger, and poof, done. I tell her that she get excited and this will help her to stay calm, and she allows me to apply the lotion and give her her Hemp Oil. It seem that I depend on these two "medication" to keep our lives livable. It may take fifteen to thirty minutes for it to kick in, and when it does, life is good. 

You can guess that by now, the sun is higher than ever, the day has started, and life is waiting. You know, I really am thankful that life is just outside my door. It is worth living and taking care of Sweetie has put a purpose into my life. I'll tell that to my Driver when we are down the road to Dementia Town. He had the car washed, so we can keep the Shinny Side Up as we go. Hey, you, don't forget it is easier to keep the Shinny Side Up when the car is clean. See you tomorrow, God Bless. 

Reasonable Happy

My sweet Sweetie Pie. 

Sometimes I use the search and posting of the pictures for the daily entry will trigger a memory or the realization of how far this disease has taken us. 

One of the questions that may be on your mind about me. I love those comments that are an encouragement, a surprise of where I get my strength to be so kind to Sweetie. It isn't from me. 

In my morning prayer and meditation time before I get anything going. I sit with a selection of christian music, read from several different meditation books and then journalism several prayers. They are the same prayers and as I journal they remind me of my life, my wife, and how my God is working, walking with me. One of the lines in my prayers has a simple but powerful word in it. It reminds me of how truly blessed I am. That word is "reasonable", and the line is "that I maybe reasonable happy in this life." 

When I read this line, everyday, 7 days a week, for over 6 years, it is a steady drum beat on my head and heart. It makes everything simple, smooth, and acceptable. Think about it, life isn't all good or all bad times. It is what you make out of it. I have a choice every morning when I wake up and when I write this prayer, it reminds me just what life is like. I ask myself, "Are you reasonable happy?" and when I stop and think about it, the answer is yes. 

This where the idea of Easter Eggs come from. They are the reasons I'm reasonably happy. My purpose, my reason for what I'm doing, is my love, Sweetie. 

When we found out that she diagnosed with Dementia it was a relief and fearful at the same time. I didn't know it at the time, it was at that time, I knew what my job was going to be for the rest of our lives together. The shift had been slowly happening and I didn't know that at that time. The slow mental and emotional shift from husband to caregiver. With it, my conception of reasonably happy. 

I sometime am amazed on how easily that shift happened. I took the road that has so many twist, turns, dips had bumps. There are still more twist, turns, detours and passing zones ahead. My Driver knows the road, and I trust His decisions as we go down the road to Dementia Town. As always, keeping my Shinny Side Up. Be careful of your own twist and turns as you travel, keeping your Shinny Side Up. God Bless.  

 

Sunday, Sunday, What a beautiful day it was.

She is my beauty, my Sweetie Pie. 

Monday morning, reflecting back on yesterday, and wondering just what to say about it. Sunday is one of the days that I let Sweetie sleep in. I'm beginning to debate that action lately. It just seems that Sweetie is so disorientated when she wander downstairs to discover me at my computer. On those mornings I wake her and greet her, she seems to be more aware of where she is and we get the day going together. This gives me more time with the woman that can still have some idea of who I am. 

One of the things I have noticed about the difference between her waking up and my waking her is that she will pee before she comes down stairs. When I wake her up, she doesn't. Go figure. 

Yesterday, I just couldn't take it any more. Every time I looked, I just couldn't take it anymore and just knew I had to do something about it. It was oily, dirty, and it needed attention. Months of overlooking couldn't be overlooked anymore. The stove just had to be cleaned. So, out came the cleaning supplies, and went at it. It was in the middle of the project that Sweetie came down to what I was doing. She was able to see that she didn't want to be anywhere near my cleaning effort. So she pulled up a chair on the other side of the counter and watched. 

My cleaning project exhausted some of my cleaning supplies, which made a great excuse to head for our Walmart. 

First, it was shower day. Most of the time, she doesn't want to get in the shower by herself, so I've created a more comfortable way for us to shower. By turning on the shower long before we get in helps. The sound of water running can be a trigger of temperature fear, too cold or too hot. I get in first and she will follow. Getting her in behind me and letting her feel the water, then I adjust the temp to make her comfortable. 

I miss my lover, and the shower is a simple and nice way for me to have some physical, touching, skin to skin contact with her. Just to touch her body will sometimes get me all misty eyed and then reality sets in. She doesn't understand or have any knowledge of the lovers we once were. So, wash it is, and the love it was is playing  in the theater of my mind. 

I've developed a method of buying, preping and storing our meat. I buy in bulk chicken, pork, salmon and beef steaks. Bring them home, cut into portions, wrap in plastic and store in ziplock bags. Sweeties helps by putting the meats in their bags as I cut and wrap them. We had a wonderful time shopping, cutting, and wrapping. She did have a problem with the hamburger. Put that in sandwich bags and squeeze the meat flat and get as much air out of the bag. She was huffing and puffing, saying she didn't know how to do it, while she was doing just what needed to be done. A dose of Oil and Lotion helped her relax. 

Two big Easter Eggs yesterday, and you just heard of the first, the second was latter in the day. While at Costco, we got a 12 pack of organic mac and cheese. That is what we had for dinner last night. It was good, we used the shells in white sauce and added a hot dog, cut up. I portioned out our dinner and went to eat. Next thing I knew, she was finished, put her bowl up and sat with me. Then she would look over at the bowl, tip it down, look inside, and then sit back again. After she had done this a couple of times, I asked her if she was wanted more. A scattered answer, but she wanted more. Got up, filled her bowl again, and she ate it all. Big smile on my face. We had pineapple and cottage cheese again.  This time she told me she never had it before as she hungerly ate it all.

Yesterday is done, and the clouds over the Sandia's are pink and that means Old Sun will soon be making his appearance and the new day will be off and running. I'll be giving Sweetie her meds before we leave for daycare. I'll be dropping her off a little bit later in the morning hoping that will make a difference in her anxiety. 

It appears that it will be a good day for golf, so its about time to go. I can hear the garage door going up, and I know my Driver will have our ride warmed up and with good tunes on the radio, I'll slip into the passenger's seat. We'll be off, down the road to Dementia Town, keeping my Shinny Side Up. Don't let the sun blind you as you travel your road, keeping your Shinny Side Up. God Bless.    

Living with Dementia isn't all bad.

Who's that beardless man? 

One of my many looks through the years. 

What can I say? I've talked about how Dementia is on a sliding scale. One day Sweetie will be in stage 5 the next back to stage 2 or 3. Yesterday was on of those sliders. 

When she came down after waking up, I asked her if she knew who I was? Her answer didn't surprise me when she said she didn't know who I was or my name. I've already accepted that as from now on life fact. She knew I was someone kind, and that is good enough for me. 

Saturdays are a hit or miss kinda of day, and this last Saturday wasn't an exception. Told you about our new skillet, well, I didn't use it for breakfast, I have another skillet that I use for our French Toast and because it is a 12" pan, I can put two pieces of Texas Toast in it, and get breakfast for two done at the same time. 

As we sat and eat our breakfast and watched TV, I was trying to think of what to do. How about a little house chores, something simple, but necessary. Strip the bed and wash the sheets, sounds great. Sweetie can help in someway while doing it. So, that is what we did. 

After putting the sheets in the washer, we watched TV until they were washed. Into the dryer and then what? How about a trip to the mall and some window shopping? OK. Sounds good to me, and of course I'm the only one thinking of that. I ask, I answer. 

The mall could of gone better, for some reason, Sweetie was on edge while we were there. We had to make a stop at the restroom and even business taken care of, she was still edgy. 

When we got in the car to drive home, I gave her a shot of CBD, and was hoping she'd come around before we got home. Not quite, but better, put some lotion on her neck, better. 

The sheets were dried and time to get them out and on the bed. By this time, her meds were starting to work, and making the bed gave us both a chance to relax and do something that was automatic. Bed made, now what? Ah, time to go to a meeting. Another dose and application, and out the door we went. Keeping Sweetie busy is a good thing. 

When we got home, got the new pan out and cooked up salmon, tater tots and veggies. New pan is wonderful, no sticking and the salmon just slid around. A little difficult to flip, easier to move to the side and allow the fish to turn back on to the spatula then back to the pan. 

This is where the big slide and a huge Easter Egg was found. After dinner, I wasn't ready to head for bed. So, I looked around on our streaming channels and found "As Good as it Gets". I settled in, waiting for Sweetie to get antsy and up to bed. About half was through the movie, got a hunkering for something of a dessert.

Growing up, mother would put together a ring of pineapple, cottage cheese, with a cherry on top. That was a poor excuse for a ice cream sunday, but it worked. We had everything except the 

cherrys. So into the refridgerator, got the pineapple and cottage cheese and a bowl and put it all together. 

Asked Sweetie if she would like some, of course she didn't know so I gave her a taste, and she lit up, and wanted more. Here we are, watching the movie, eating pineapple and cottage cheese. Just two people enjoying the evening. Oh, I didn't tell you, it was 8:30 when this all happened. As the movie played, I looked over and she was watching and enjoying as if she didn't have dementia. It was the most normal life event we have had in a long, long time. I told myself this is a great Easter Egg. Misty eyes as I remember last night.

After the movie, I asked her again about the dessert and she asked me about the Hawaii. It may seem unrelated question to answer. It isn't. I understood. One of her most fond memories was when she lived in Hawaii as a child. Pineapple and Hawaii, pleasant memories, link them together, and the answer is yes, she liked her dessert.   

Time to get on the road, so I'll leave you with this, Dementia will always be a surprising, frustrating, demanding and sometimes loving way of life. That is why I know I can depend on my Driver to take me where the best is. As we get in, turn on the radio, heading down to Road to Dementia Town. Always keeping our Shinny Side Up. Hope you have a great day out on the road, keeping your Shinny Side Up. God Bless.   

 

Post Valentine's Days news.

Playing footsies at the beach. 

 

Thank you for all the Valentine wishes. We were truly touched. Sweetie did not understands about where or why the wishes were coming from. When I told her, she smiled. I don't know if she understood, I took it as a understanding smile. 

 

Yesterday wasn't the day I had hoped for. The only thing that went right (?) was getting Sweetie up, dressed, cleaned up, brushed up, and med up. Out the door and down to daycare. That was all of the plan that went my way. 

 

When we got to daycare, it was closed. The only thing I could think of, was it was Valentine's Day and they took the day off. I didn't look at their monthly calendar, so I was unaware of it being a planned day off, and then again, no one told me that they would be closed. It doesn't matter the reason, plans were up in the air from that point on. 

 

We went back home, got breakfast, and I had to figure out what to do. Knowing that TV will keep Sweetie busy for a short period of time, I didn't want to plan to stay on the couch all day. I was upset because I couldn't get to my support group meeting so I had to put that behind me and look to the day. 

 

While fixing breakfast, my frying pan has a wear stop in the middle of it. It still works OK, food sticks on the bare spot. So, lets go buy a new frying pan. We have a business here that specializes in  cooking and cooking utensils. The sell top end cooking wear and that also means top usage on my credit card. I won't tell you how much I paid for a 10" frying pan and lid, but it is more than I ever-spent on a whole set of cook wear. When you are retired and have more time then you can sanely spend, you don't mind doing stuff just to get the day to go by.  First I'd purchased a 12" pan, and that was too big, so we took it right back and exchanged it for the 10" pan. Killed about an hour doing that.Used the new pan last night, worked wonderfully well.

 

Would like to talk about sundowners for a little bit. I have been putting the Aromatic Therapy Lotion on the back of Sweeties neck and rubbing it between her hair line and her shoulders. It seems to be most effective using this application. If I were to make a guess, it is because it is close to the brain and is absorbed quickly into the spine. Sometimes I'll just use the lotion and we can get about 2-3 hours of relief after the application. If I try timing the next application, it would be every 2.5 hours between application.  

 

Yesterday was a day of adliving , just like all days, and like all days, we got through it. Like today, I'll turn control over to my Driver as to where we will go. It seems to turn out better that way. Speaking of my Driver, He's out in the car now waiting for me, so the time has come to say so long for today. Sun coming up and need to get going. You see, when you Keep Your Shinny Side Up, the sunlight bounces off it and people can see you coming. He has the map out as we travel the road to Dementia Town. OK, as for those who haven't checked the "follow" button, there is a chance you will miss a posting. If you haven't please do. That way I'll know how many of you are driving with your Shinny Side Up. God Bless.        

Happy Valentine's Day.

 Sweetie and her Soul Mate Sister.

Here it is, just in time, and you just don't know what I'm talking about. 

Today is Friday, its a daycare, its Valentine's Day, and the most important item item on the schedule, its my support group meeting day. 

If there was ever a day to be in my support group, today is the day. The frustrations I am going through, and the inexperience with what and what can or cannot be done, things I haven't learned yet. If I go with just what the director tells me, and not knowing what I can counter with it, is like swimming against the tide. I may make some headway but more than likely, I'll loose ground and drown in the undertow. And at the same time, I wouldn't know where the life preserver is. 

Enough of downer news and onward to the good stuff. Yesterday we took pizza over to the grandsons for lunch. I always look forward to being there, and yesterday was no exception. Out of the house, driving across town, picking up the pizzas and arriving like the wisemen bearing gifts.  

It was different this time. We walked into the home of stomach distress. It seems that the kids picked up a bug that ran through everyone and the middle boy was the last one to have it. We were told that it wasn't airborn and we were safe. Let you know. 

Of the two pizzas that we brought, one was a Hawaiian pizza with green chili. When DIL took a piece, was surprised, why should I be because she is a native New Mexican and was raised with green chili. Duh. 

I have a secondary reason to spend time with the grandkids, its to have a conversation with a like soul. We have grown to have many views that parallel views on life, kids, and authors. So it is my time to have a conversation explosion with a friendly ear. I often call her my favorite DIL, and she is quick to say that she is my only DIL. New analyze of that. She is right, she is my only DIL, that doesn't make her my favorite, our developed friendship makes her my favorite.   

She prepared a Valentine dessert for us. Chocolate dipped strawberries. Wonderful. Sweetie wasn't sure on how to eat it until I showed her. It quickly disappeared once she tried it. One of the eating difficulties with her is that food should not be messy. The chocolate on the strawberries would crack and break off. Which distracted her from the berry and on to getting the chips of chocolate off her. It is so easy for her to get distracted. 

Headed home and got there in time to take care of her business, and then off to the mall for a walk around. As we walk around, there are things that I'll say or do to get a smile out of Sweetie, such as the "Thump diddy thump thump.....thump thump". She will smile and finish with the last thump thump. When we walk and I'll make up some poem or limerick about her, our love or something that is totally silly, she just beams and we continue to walk.  

On the way of trying something new. I gave her a dose of her anti-anxiety medicine last night and will give her another dose this morning before I take her to daycare. Hoping that there is a carry over from last night. To increase effectiveness of the medicine in the morning. Right now, I'm giving her a half tab, and the instructions are to build up to a whole tab as needed. My hope is that this will be the answer of her anxiety when she get there. I hope this will work until Dementia decides to move in a new direction. 

Valentine's Day will be missed for I am a romantic at heart. This was the time when we started a love game. I found some hearts, about the size of coasters, and I would write a love note on the back and hide it somewhere easy for her to find. She would come and tell me that she "Found a heart." We did this for years. I'd hide it in her make up drawer, or in her underwear drawer, or someplace easy for her to find. She would return it to me in the same manner. I miss those love games. 

Glad to take that stroll down memory lane, its time to go. Looks like it is going to be a nice day and need to be off. I can hear the motor running, and time to get in the passenger's side, buckle in, and trust my Driver to know where we are going today, down the road to Dementia Town, avoiding the dips in the road, keeping my Shinny Side Up, basket in hand as we go. Hope you have a wonderful Valentine's day, as you go, keeping your Shinny Side Up. God Bless.   

 

Sometimes fustrations get in the way.

In front of the USS Midway

Daycare is beginning to bug me. Had another conversation with the directer of the facility. She wants to know if I can drop Sweetie off later in the morning. You see, she is beginning to be a handful between the time I drop her off and the late comers arrive. 

With the late comers coming in, Sweetie wants to get out the door and won't settle down until the all of the commotion stops. She has already given me a pamphlet on a different facility that provides more supervision for their clients. Its on the other side of town, and they provide transportation, and there is a higher cost for Sweetie to go there. 

Where she is, they told me that she would become accustom to being there and will learn to enjoy being there. That hasn't been the case. She was getting to the point of when I would turn in to park, she would plea and cry about being there. She is so attached to me, the idea of being away from me is horrifying to her. 

We are trying a prescription for anti-anxious with her, something that the daycare directer suggested. This was the second day with Sweetie being on the medication, and she was ready to tell me that it isn't working. I'm willing to work with her, but... If there was another facility close by, I'd pull her out of there and move her. I've thought of in-home help but the cost is 3 to 4Xs as much as what I'm paying now. This is one of those things that I'll just leave with my Driver.

Outside of that, we had a great day. Sweetie is loving her new shoes and so am I. She can go with or without socks. While it is still cold outside, I'll continue to have her wear socks, when it warms up, sockless. 

We're working into a routine of her body clock. If I can get her to the bathroom around 2pm, I know we can get nature calls done without too much difficulties. Then we can go out and do some walking, shopping or whatever. 

Today we're going over to the grandson's and bring pizza. It will be a Valentine's Day for her. She doesn't know that it is Valentine's Day tomorrow, she's lucky to know what day of the week it is. 

Found some Easter Eggs yesterday. One of the eggs was and will be potty timing. Anytime we can minimize a body function, that is a relief big time. She ate all her dinner and her sundowners did not kick in. We worked on the puzzle, and had times of joy during the day. 

The sky is changing colors and that means the day is coming. Today is my day of phone Bible study with a friend in Texas, and then off to son's house. What my Driver is planning is always a surprise, so I need to get on with it. The motor is running and He is waiting for me. Into the passenger's side, buckle up, and down the road we go. Heading to Dementia Town keeping my Shinny Side Up. Don't let the sun get in your eyes as you join us, keeping your Shinny Side Up. God Bless.