Dementia, CBD and yard work.

Christmas at the beach.

Today, I'm going to do some yard work, the lawn needs to be mowed and trim the edges. I'll get it done with Sweetie's help. It is the front yard that I worry about. While we are in the back, I know where she is and can keep an eye on her. I'm always afraid that she will start wandering and then I have to stop everything to get her. 

I got a text from daycare, and as feared, the two weeks at a time program has started. Restart for daycare has been pushed out to May 15th. My guess is that daycare will not start back up until mid June. So, we are just going to have to make the best of it. 

I loaded a distance app on my phone yesterday and tracked our last walk. We walk 2 miles on the biggest portion of one of our walks. I'll keep tracking because there are many connecting blocks that we walk, and it is just going to be fun knowing what we do. It will also be a way to track how Sweetie is doing on our walks. 

Got rid of her shoes that were hurting her feet, and found out why she isn't wearing the good shoes, one is hurting her heal. Not sure why, I think the old shoe put a may have rubbed her raw and it doesn't line up well with the good shoes. I'll give her feet some time to heal before trying them again. 

Sweetie seems to responding to the regulation of her CBD. While keeping it at every 2.5-3 hours works well. Am so happy, because I don't think I'm ready to deal with these long sundowners sessions. We have one month down with longer evenings, and two more to go. 

There is a knock on the door, and I know that is my Driver, being polite, letting me know it is time to go. I'm ready. It will be nice to just sit and watch the day go by has we drive down the Road to Dementia Town. Napping as we go, safe and secure with my Driver behind the wheel. I know we will be safe, as we drive, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. You too, there you are, driving along, Keeping your Shiny Side Up. Till next time, TTFN. Love Ya and God Bless. 

Dementia doesn't know sore feet.

What a difference 5 years make. 

One of the things that I have missed, is the beauty that I am married to. She was, and is, truly God's gift to me and I am now just seeing what I've missed. These postings and the pictures I have to choose from are only about 5 maybe 6 years old. Which makes them all that much more precious. They are of what we were like as Dementia was creeping in on us. 

Strange how Dementia's brain works. As you know, we are doing a lot of walking. Sweetie has a pair of shoes that for the longest time seem to work well. They are a pair of flats, not really made for walking, but how do you tell someone with Dementia that they are bad for their feet when they cannot understand the blisters or raw skin on their feet. Last night when I saw how raw her feet were, I made the mistake of telling her she needed to get rid of those shoes. Sweetie went into a rant about how it was OK and she loved them. This morning they are in the trash, and I put her good walking shoes in their place. I just hope I don't have to suffer too much when she realizes that they are gone. Distract, distract and change the subject. I know it will be better for her, and me, in the long run. 

"Squirrels, I hate squirrels." If you have seen the movie "Up", then you know this line. If not, just think of it as a change the subject quickly and how it will change direction. I have begun to point out birds, cats, lizards to Sweetie as we walk. I think she is loosing her ability to see what is going on around us, or she just doesn't know to look for them. What I have to be aware of are the dogs in peoples yards. Even the little yappers that have a bigger bark then they are. It is an easy way to put Sweetie into a funk. Even when I tell her ahead of time. Words and meanings just don't mean anything to her. It seems that all reasoning is gone. 

I've bored you enough this morning, and Driver is here, looking as dapper as ever. He's ready and waiting for us to get going. He's got a twinkle in His eye, so I know He has nothing but good planned for us today. "On my way, be there soon" and so I'm gone. Got my cool sunglasses on, sliding into the passenger's seat, and with a roar from the mighty engine, we're off. Heading into the dawn, as we travel the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping the Shiny Side Up. May you have a day of Easter Eggs, as you come with us, as we go down the Road to Dementia Town, with you Keeping Your Shiny Side Up, too. Take care, Love Ya, and God Bless.   

Dementia wanted to boil over.

9 years ago. 

Coffee this morning is in my Grand Canyon mug. I don't use it often, it has a large base and a small top, I've pour coffee down my chin too many times as the coffee come out quickly. I'm here at 4:30 in the morning, getting in my quiet time and trying to think of what to say. 

There are times when the words come easy, I sit down and they flow out of my head and heart and then there are mornings like this one. Struggling to get going.

We are having a good few days lately. Last night was a night that seemed that Dementia was going to boil over and I was going to be the sheepdog again. Around 6:30 in the evening, I could see sundowners wanting to get out. So, off with the TV, on with the sandals, grab the keys and with a quick prayer out for a walk. We didn't go far, just a couple of times around our block. On the second time, she recognized our home and wanted to go back into it. 

These are the things that last year would of been a huge sundowner's explosion. She would have been out the door, going from house to house, wanting to get in, at the same time, wanting to get away from me. Her head would be spinning so fast she could not react fast enough. Back in the 50's there was a TV show and part of its intro, there was a cube filled with mice trips each with a ping pong ball on it. Then, a single ball was dropped into the cube, and the chain reaction. First one, then two, then pong, pong, pong, a flurry of actions until all the traps were fired off, then nothing. That my friends is how I see Sweetie when Sundowners grabs her and shakes her. It is the mice traps going off and all I can do is let them go until they are all fired off. If there is a good side to this, it is this, there is so much energy expelled, that she will have a good night sleep, and that is go for both of us. As I read this, I am so thankful for CBD. It has become a tool that I'm so grateful to have found.

You know, after a good night sleep, it means I need to have to hit the Road to Dementia Town with my Driver. When ever we are out, He makes sure that we stop to refill my empty tank. Each day I have to get a refill of patience, hope and love. He knows just where to get that refill as we travel down the road, Keeping our Shiny Side up. You can't get very far without a refill. I hope you find your refill station  as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town together, Keeping our Shiny Sides Up. Love Ya, God Bless.   

Memories that Dementia cannot steal.

At Disneyland.

How many more birthdays are left. Here we are at Disneyland celebrating my birthday a few year ago. Next month we will be celebrating our wedding anniversary. What joy will there be for us? These are some of the things that Dementia has stolen from us. 

In my office, I'm surrounded by pictures of us, selfies, pictures of grandchildren, I even have a nude of Sweetie hidden away under a flag that I'll peek under and remember that wonderful lover she was. These are the memories that Dementia cannot steal from me. Thou they be gone from Sweetie, I now have the treasure chest over flowing with them. Because of what we are experiencing now, the memories of the bad times are fading, not to the point of knowing that we went through them, just the reason and what we worked through to be here. 

I've asked myself, "Why are you doing this?" I can say that "I am sharing Sweetie with you", or it helps keep me sane, or I'm helping others. Life is like a artichoke, (you thought onion, didn't you.) you see, an artichoke is a tough veggie. To get to the center, the heart of the artichoke, you have to first boil it, then get through the tough outer leaves, and work yourself to the center, or the heart, where the soft, tasty heart is. Dementia has been the fire under my pot where my artichoke has been cooking. We are going through the tough, thorny leaves now, heading to the sweetheart. And when we get there, then Sweetie will be no more. 

We have been having a string of good days and nights. I've seem to have found the CBD "sweet spot" for Sweetie. Plus the best way to take it without too much of a fuss. She is easy to get along with, and I am enjoying our time together. 

Last night our dinner, which I now realize what happened, was too hot for her. For me, the temperature of a meal has a lot to do with the enjoyment of the dish. With Sweetie, it cannot be too hot, because she doesn't understand how heat improves the flavor, that is now gone. So, from now on, I'll cool the meal before we eat. Just another corner we have gone around. 

Driver is coming around the corner as we speak. He told me that we are going to head out, going slow, because there maybe detours up ahead. You never know when the cones will show up, cutting off a lane, or sending you off in a different direction. I don't worry, for Driver knows how to get to where we are going to. Up hill, down hill, turning left or right, my Driver knows the Road to Dementia Town. He's right there on the spot as we drive with Our Shiny Side Up. Detours are out there, so watch out, as you head out on your Road to Dementia Town, keep an eye out for Easter Eggs as you go, keeping your Shiny Side Up. Take care, enjoy the day, and remember, I Love Ya and God Bless.

Dementia continues to mine her mine.

Even today, Sweetie will touch, feel, and smell the flowers. 

Dementia hasn't stolen that yet. Sweetie loves flower, plants, anything that God has planted, she will stop and take the time to feel the leaves, gently touching them, and if there is a flower, she will smell them. As Dementia continues to mine her mine and takes its ore away in the morning, it hasn't found that vein of values yet. 

Each day seems to become more valuable then the last. For I know she is moving toward that dark time when she will be just a body, an empty shell of the person I married so long ago. Last night was a night that I want to put in a capsule and keep forever. She was in one of those cuddle moods, holding my hand, smiling at me, head knocks, and little kisses. Whispers of "I love You." These are the times that make getting through a sundowner's worth it all. 

These are confusing times too. For as she forgets where the dishes go, she is now locking me out of the bathroom when she remembers and gets the urge to go. Then there are times when she is crying and needs my help. 

Lately, I have woken up after about an hour or two of sleep, and not sure if Sweetie is asleep. And with that comes the reason while she sleeps until late in the morning. She stays in bed, waiting for sleep, and when it comes, it is about the time I'm getting up. I think I might try waking her up earlier so she can go to sleep easier. An attempt to change anything will take some effort on my part. 

Effort on my part isn't hard when it comes to my time with my Driver. He's always around and ready to go. To start the time of fellowship, to listening to me just jabber on about this, that, and the other thing. He knows the Easter Eggs, he know when I'm in a slump and knows the words to say. I, sometimes I know when to shut up and listen. And that time is real soon. Gotta get going, and find my cool sunglasses, head for the door and what do I see, just the most beautiful, shiny car in the world. Into the passenger's seat, buckle up and off we go. Driving down the Road to Dementia Town, avoiding the pot holes as we go, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. That goes for you too. Pot holes, you can avoid them as you drive down the Road to Dementia Town, keeping your Shiny Side Up. God Bless, and I love Ya.

 

Dementia doesn't like the wind.

At the Highland Games in Albuquerque, NM. 

I makes no sense to me at all. Then again, what is there about Dementia that does make sense. From sitting on the couch to wandering the streets looking for the boys, and wanting to help them and at the same time not knowing what to do. In a matter of seconds, Sweetie will become that known "Crazy Woman" wandering the streets, looking and looking and not knowing what it is she is looking for, talking gibberish to anyone who she sees. And Lordy, don't be the one to tell her no. She will turn on you with a vengeance. Then when I tell them that she is suffering with Dementia, she is in full denial and tells the person that I don't know what I'm talking about. 

If you are like me, and have your Loved One with you, this may sound familiar. I have a friend that has volunteered to come over and stay with Sweetie. He is a lovely man who retired early to care for his mom, who had Dementia. I want to take him up on his offer, but because of the quarantine, there isn't really anywhere to go and just sit and relax for a time. Maybe when I work something out, I'll take him up on his offer. The last time I let someone sit with Sweetie, I came home to find her locked out of the house. 

I was informed that this Monday, there is going to be a meeting as to when daycare will start back up. I have this uneasy feeling that it won't be anytime soon. Excuse me for this going off, but, it seems that whatever the President says, there are those who will automatically bounce the opposite way. An easy example would be if he said you have to breath to live, they would hold their breath. So, if I'm right, the powers to be are going to say sometime in June before anything can be opened. In the meantime, Sweetie and me will be doing what needs to be done to keep us both from going crazy. 

Yesterday's weather, it was windy, and kept us from doing almost anything outside. Dementia doesn't like the wind, and even if it isn't a cold wind, it just doesn't like it. We did some walking, not as much as I'd like, but enough. The house next door is being refurbished, and a new roof is being put on. It gave Sweetie an audience to speak with. Again the old routine of me following up behind and telling them about her. I'm thinking of handing out the cards that tells them about her instead of speaking, it just might help. 

All in all, we had a good day and I know it went well because of the guidance of my Driver. He just seems to know how to handle Sweetie and gives me the strength and wisdom to handle her as Sundowner's tries to steal her away from me. I know, like yesterday, there were Easter Eggs in the wind, in the walk, and on the couch. Driver always shows them to me when I can't find them on my own. Time to go, time for another road trip. Driver and me, down the Road to Dementia Town we go. Him at the wheel and me buckled in, wearing my cool sunglasses and relaxing as we go. How about you? Find anything worth taking with you, as you travel your road to Dementia Town? We have our Shiny Side Up. You too? Later, Love Ya, and God Bless.  

Dementia, The Thief in the Night.

At the Vietnam Memorial at Angel Fire NM. 

I just don't know, which is harder to write about. The days of easy living, of a happy ending, or the days of challenge? When those days of easy living happen, it seems like a "Hi, we had a great day. All is well, see you tomorrow." Close the post and away we go for another day of ups and downs. That is not why I post here and that is not why you come to read it either. 

I had a comment from a follower that said they thought we were friends and I was touched. To tell the truth, I wasn't sure on how to take the complement. Then I had to ask myself, why am I doing this? Sure, it is for my mental health, to express my feelings, my doubts, my joys and trials, to try and make some sense out of what is happening to us, and share my life with you, my readers. At the same time, am I not also reaching out for friends? For this life style can be a lonely way of living, it seems that Dementia has a way of sucking the joy of living, out of its caregivers. We can become isolated by the mere fact that, as for Sweetie, she cannot be left alone and I spend my days taking care of her. 

We had a good day, I was worried at the start because she was a little edgy, a little bossy and wouldn't take her CBD at first. I've come up with a way that has turned out to be beneficial for me and easier for her to take the Hemp Oil. It is now "our medicine". I will act as if I'm taking some, and I do, and then tell her it is her turn. I think because she sees me taking it, it removes whatever the reason is for her not to take it. I get a little boost from it and we have a good day. 

Walked, mowed the lawns, and did laundry. That is the makings of a good day and accomplishing chores. We do dishes after every meal and this is where I notice the growth of Dementia. There are days when she will remember where they go, lately, she is asking more and more about where the clean dishes go, and then I have to help her more and more. It is just little disappearances that soon add up to a big block of nothing. Like a thief in the night, Dementia comes stocking its memory prey and sneaks off with it in the morning. 

Unlike Dementia, my Driver shows up proudly, well dressed, with a smile on His face. Always the gentleman He is. Sometimes He will nudge me to get me moving, most of the time He just waits for me to finish. He'll come over and proof read my post and most of the time, I get a knowing smile and a hand of approval on the back. He can see what we need to talk about this morning as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town. Safe and secure, buckled in, wearing my cool sunglasses as we go, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. You, don't forget, if you are driving alone, check your radio, you just might hear Driver and me on some talk station, as you drive yourself, Keeping your Shiny Side Up. Take care, Love Ya, and God Bless.  

In Sickness and in Health

Christmas '15, where else? The Pier. 

As I write these post, I have music playing in the back ground. My favorite is on YouTube. DappyTKeys. Right now "Great is Thy Faithfulness" is playing. I am thinking that is just perfect as I get ready to spin my tell of yesterday. Do you remember yesterday? I mean every minute of every second? Or are you like me, the mundane things that happen everyday, the none special moments that drift about and you have to think about them. Then there are the times that because of some emotional upheaval, you'll never forget. 

Living with Dementia, I have both. If I think about just the bad times, the disappointing times, I might as well dig myself a hole, jump into it, and pull the dirt back over me. It is undaunting that responsibility which I have taken on. To care for Sweetie or not care for her. In all reality it is a choice I have made. There are times when I look forward to putting her into a nursing home, then again, I remember those vows I took 32 years ago. "Though Richer or Poorer, through sickness or health, until death do us part." 

I also have to remember that God is working on me too. I can't do this by myself for if I tried, I'd soon be wondering myself. Yesterday was a great example of God's Grace. We had spent some time with "The Boys". Took pizza up and had a nice visit. We stayed until Sweetie wanted to go home. She was on edge on the way home. So, we went walking and her sundowners showed up while we were out. I had a thought that it might, so I gave her some CBD before we left the house. I was so right in doing that. 

I was her shepherd as we walked. Keeping her from storming in someone's front door. We met a young man sitting in his garage. I don't know what it is with men who like to sit in their garage, but here in New Mexico, it seems to be the thing they do. Anyway, I allowed her to approach him, and when she did, I let him know about her Dementia, and he was so kind and understanding. We also met another young man who was in a wheelchair, and he seemed to enjoy our company. 

During this time, Sweetie doesn't hold my hand as we walk. Hand holding is a sign that sundowners is fading. After talking with the young man in the wheelchair, we started our journey home. Soon after we started home, she was holding my hand and I knew the storm had passed. 

Passing through the storms of life on the Road to Dementia town is one of the greatest talent Driver has. I know we will get to our destination in one piece. No matter how strong the wind blow, Driver will keep us on the road. I trust Him completely. With a knowing smile, He reassures me, all is well and He knows what He is doing. I can then relax, let the air out of my lungs and breath again as we head down the Road to Dementia Town, and as always, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. That goes for you too, if your holding your breath, let it out, and breath easy as you travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping your Shiny Side Up. Love Ya and God Bless.      

Wolfman or Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?

Adoption day, Sweetie meets Tweetie. 

If I was to label the behavior patterns of Dementia, would I consider the fictional Werewolf or the infamous Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde? Both are the hidden sides of the person who is suffering with Dementia. What can be done to prevent the negative side of the personality from coming out and causing stress and pain to their love ones that are caring for them?  

As we travel down this path, there are so many twist and turns as we go. No two days are alike, no behavior patterns are the same. The one thing at is the same is the heartache that we go through. I have found that as long as it is possible, I will let Sweetie act out her Dementia phase when it strikes her. I think she is known well enough that most of the neighborhood knows who she is and if they spend just a few minutes with her, she will in a short visit, move on to the next person, or walk down the street. Of course, I am in tow and watch her from as close a distance from her. There are the days when Dementia doesn't want me anywhere near her. It tries to get me to leave her alone, and that won't happen either. 

This morning I was reading Mathew and it was how Jesus was met two men possessed with demons. When they spoke to Jesus, they asked to be sent into a herd of pigs, and Jesus did just that. Then the pigs ran off a cliff and drown. Sometimes, I feel that Dementia is a demon and that it only comes out a certain times of the day. We call it sundowners. Could we put Sundowner in a class of demon? 

I was reading your remarks to yesterdays post, and there is that question that seems to never go away. Where is God when you need Him? I can't answer for you, but this I do know. God is here and I call Him my Driver. If you are looking for God to stop the world and heal your Love One, then are you telling God what to do? I have the same pain that all who read this blog have. My faith, my purpose, my whole world is now wrapped up in the woman that I love. Do I want her healed? Oh Hell Yes! At the same time, I must live seeking God's will for what is happening. If you were a fruit tree, what would your fruit taste like? Sweet or bitter? Are you drawing or pushing? Remember God is watching out for you too. 

There is a verse, you can look it up, it goes like this: We suffer so that we can comfort those who are suffering with the same thing that we are suffering with. Or something like that. Isn't that what I'm doing here? Life goes on, and for some of us, it means this, what we are suffering with right now. 

My Driver knows that what I say is true. For He sees my suffering, and knows that I need Him more today than yesterday. That is why I can get into the car, put on my cool sunglasses, and just relax as He pulls out of the driveway, puts it in drive, and off we go. On another Wild Ride to Dementia Town. Who knows who we will meet today, be on the look out, we're the one with our Shiny Side Up. I'll keep an eye out for you too, I'll know its you because you'll have your Shiny Side Up too. Don't forget, I Love Ya, and God Bless.  

The Monster Dementia

My Sweetie, oh what was stolen from us. 

Living with Dementia is a challenge and heartbreaking at the same time. Just when you think you can anticipate just what is going to happen, Dementia will come and pull the carpet right out from under you. My whole day is like that. I never know when the canyon of Dementia will suddenly appear. At those moments, I wonder if Sweetie is looking for an opening in the guardrail so she can drive us off the road and into the canyon of despair. 

As for the day, we had a fairly good one, walks that got us out of the house, time sitting in the backyard, watching the birds. A normal day, as normal can get. We had a good day. I've noticed that when we are on our walks that if Sweetie can talk to some of the people we meet, it has a good effect on her. Like she has done something good, a purpose fulfilled. On our afternoon walk, we met a lady and her grandchild. The child was mentally challenged and she is on chemo. We spent some time talking about our special ones, and how we are coping with being caregivers. It was good for me and I think for her. Even though our Love Ones are different, the same compassion is there so we could relate, and I was refreshed. 

I didn't know how much I would need this refreshing until last night. Instead of our normal evening, wanting to go to bed early, she was restless and had to be coxed up to the bed room. Just when we were about to go to sleep, she was up and moving. Grabbing a pair of pants, beating her to the door and wouldn't let her outside. She tore into me, and the monster Dementia came out with full force. As I tracked her around the house and out into the backyard knowing she couldn't get out and terrorize the neighborhood. She just bounced from place to place and finally went to bed in the guest room. Later, I was able to encourage her to come back upstairs. What a night. 

These are the mornings that I look forward to. Sitting here with praise and worship music on, pouring my heart out, and my Driver coming beside me, letting me know, that I'm doing OK. These are the mornings that my Driver knows I need encouragement and I know I'll get it as we talk on our drive to Dementia Town. I might even doze off as we go. Driver doesn't mind it, for I know I'm safe and secure with Him at the wheel. I know that He will keep me safe as we head down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. How's it going with you? Need some time alone with your Driver? Or just give your Driver all your problems you go down the road, Keeping your Shiny Side Up.  

Prayer, the tool that molds me.

Happier days at the zoo. 

How does one live with their life partner when they don't remember you? For me, there is only one answer, that is my faith in my God. This isn't me. Before Dementia, I was a very opinionated man, I had my way of doing things, my plans that I could swirl around Sweetie and convince her that they were her plans. Retirement look a whole lot different what we thought it would be to what it is today. 

As with anything in life, there are Easter Eggs in everything. Sometimes, like the Easter Egg hunt in the back yard, you won't find the all the eggs and they pop up later down the road. 

My Easter Egg hunt began almost 5 years ago when I was searching for a form, a regimentation, to have a personal, private meditation and prayer time. In the beginning, I would write letters to God, crying, begging, lieing about what I was happy about, what I wanted, and tried to find the magical way, the body position, or my attitude to get my answer the way I wanted my prayers answered. I soon realized that I was a selfish child sitting on Santa's lap with an impossible Christmas List. How could I have time with my God and not be so self centered? 

As you know, I'm an alcoholic and in AA, there are prayers, many prayers in our literature. I wanted my heart and mind to be centered on what my God had for me. I had to get myself out of the way. So, I've developed a way of journaling my prayers, starting with the Serenity prayer and ending with Saint Francis prayer, or the 11th step prayer. At the end, I ask my prayers for the day and future. 

I've been doing this for almost 5 years and I do believe this is the source of my yielding to being Sweetie's husband, friend, and most of all, her caretaker. The things we as caretakers do to those we are caring for is something that I'd never thought of doing. Doing it without even a second thought. Because of this, I can say, life is good. 

Sweetie had another good day yesterday. She did have some beginnings of her sundowners and with quick action, a dose of Hemp Oil, and a walk, we were able to short circuit the eruption so that it didn't ruin the day. I can't tell you how many times I used to have plans for some simple event, and by now all events are simple, when she would need something, a trip to the bathroom, or the need to take a walk, just some Dementia thing would pop into her head and take both of us on some Dementia road trip. When that happens, turn off the stove, grab the keys, and away we go. Whatever we were going to do, can wait. And that is a huge lesson to learn. Waiting, patience, molding myself to Dementia's demands isn't something that comes easy. 

Look whose here? It's my Driver. He likes to read what I'm saying to you, and this time He is nodding His approval. That makes me feel good. He told me that simple is good, it is more truthful and He likes that. So, off we go, looking for my cool sunglasses, didn't put them back like I always do, now I gotta look for them. I see Driver has them and He's smiling. Into the passenger seat, down the Road to Dementia Town we go. Driver and me and as always, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. Today is the day for you to keep going on your trip to Dementia Town, Keeping your Shiny Side Up. Love Ya, God Bless.    

The Woes of yesterday.

Sweetie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have had one heck of a evening and morning and I hope it doesn't roll into the rest of my day. You see I bought a new computer a couple of months ago and it has not been the best purchase I ever made. Yesterday it gave me an error and I attempted to do some repairs via YouTube. Well, lets just say, I'm using my old computer and will be taking the new one back to the shop. 

Outside of my computer problems, life seems to be moving like it will. There isn't anything that a little time will change. Walking and CBD oil seem to be the best ingredients for a stable life. As long as I give her a 50% dropper of Hemp oil every 2.5 to 3 hours, she is a most willing person. I've also found that a walk in the morning and one in the afternoon allow her to work off some of the energy that is being stored up while we sit and watch TV. 

When she has a bad sundowner event, and I spend most of that time herding her, she will normally have to rest when she is spent. She burns up energy during those times. Lately, she has been acting up soon after she gets up, it is almost as if she is in a sundowner from the moment she gets up. I'm not sure what to do. One this is sure, I will make an effort to get some Hemp Oil in her asap. 

I feel so frustrated, facing each day with a woman who doesn't know who I am, who knows that she is needs me around. She does know her name, when asked by our neighbors, she tells them. I've also found out that we are known as the "Walkers". People we have been meeting keep telling us that they see us all the time walking the neighborhood. 

Done and done. My Driver is waiting, and I need some soft music, easy scenery going by, and a encouraging word from Him. I know I can pour out my troubles and He will listen. Thank you for that. So, off we go, down the Road to Dementia Town, wearing my cool sunglasses, and as always, Keeping the Shiny Side Up. You too, don't carry yesterday over into today. Yesterday's done, and today has just begun. Keep your Shiny Side Up, as you go. Love Ya and God Bless.  

Walks, chores, and Mickey's Clubhouse.

Where else, the Huntington Beach Pier.

Did I step in it, you be the judge. Little bit off subject, yet, it isn't. As we are all experiencing the lock down, meetings with groups of people are frown upon. That includes my Alzheimer's support group. I just asked our group leader about setting up a Zoom meeting. And then volunteered to set it up. Talk about getting out of my comfort zone. I think a Zoom meeting is better than nothing. I know I sure could use one about now. 

Could Yesterday not have been a more perfect day? It was one of those days that say, you can do it, it's not that hard. Only had one sight moment that sundowners got ahead of me, and the lady was kind and helpful. 

We did walks, watched Mickey's Clubhouse, cleaned the aquarium, sat in the back yard watching birds come to our feeders and just enjoyed the day. By keeping one eye on Sweetie and the other on the clock, I was able to regulate her intake of CBD and water. Those two things help keep sundowners either away or limit its appearing. 

One of the things I enjoy the most is walking with her. Saying silly rhymes to her, having her look at me and smile, holding her hand or putting my arms around her when a dog will come and bark at us as we walk by. Those all to few moments when we seem to connect, that the love in her heart shines through. Those are the Easter Eggs that I cherish the most. Sometimes I'm glad that she is who and where she is, for I wouldn't know what to do if she was healthy. But, then again, it would be something that is unanswerable, for she isn't and I am, and this is now my life's mission. To care for Sweetie. 

My Driver told me once, that life without a purpose isn't worth living. That old saying is so true today. "Aim at nothing, and you'll hit it every time." With my Driver's help and advice, we'll make it to our destination, not Dementia Town, we'll find the joy of loving care. Speaking of my Driver, its time to join Him, it looks like it will be a great day on the road. He's got a cooler of refreshments, and so we're off. Got my cool sunglasses on, relaxing in the passenger's seat, watching the sun come up, as we head off down the Road to Dementia Town, keeping our Shiny Side Up. May you have a good day, as you navigate your day trip driving down to Dementia Town, keeping your Shiny Side Up. Love Ya, and God Bless.    

Hopes for the day.

Ready for my retirement party.

Each day begins with hopes of some sort of sanity to it and each evening ends with hope of a same or better day then the one we just lived through. For I know, as Sweetie sleeps, a part of her brain is struggling to stay alive, or has died and will never come back again. 

Yesterday was a so different, she was edgy shortly after she got up, it seemed like nothing I did could calm her. It was our shower day. At one point she got out of the shower and I was afraid that we both would be running outside naked with me chasing after her, trying to get her back in the house. Before I could get her hair dried, she had to move, to get out of the house. 

We had just about all the emotional and physical experiences in one day. It was if her sundowners was going all day long.  She pooped in the shower, in her hand, she was out and then back in. Her emotions were up one side and down the other. The only thing she didn't do was wet the bed. She wandered outside, and didn't want me to be anywhere around her, and she just wore herself out to the point of crawling into our downstairs bed and taking a nap. After that, she calmed down for the rest of the evening. Even giving her extra CBD didn't seem to help. 

Her Dementia is like trying to nail jello on the wall. What seems to help one day, just doesn't help the next. The one thing I do know, is I will keep working at it. It does give me hope that each day will be less stressful and we can make it through. Because of the virus, I've really learned what daycare goes through. Though I think it is different because they are trained in caring and have activities to redirect the patients to help calm their behavior. Will be so glad to be able to participate in daycare again.

Time to get some relaxing time in for myself, and there isn't any better way than to go for a ride with my Driver. He's here and waiting for me to stop the key work. OK, I need this road trip big time. He's got the trunk open for me to take the worries off my shoulders and put them there, I won't need them on this trip, as we head down the Road to Dementia Town, looking for Easter Eggs, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. If you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, why not put them in your car's trunk, and enjoy your road trip, Keeping your Shiny Side Up. Take care until tomorrow. Love Ya, God Bless.    

Incontinent, Potty training.

Lunch in Santa Fe.

It is hard to begin something that you don't know where it is going to end. I try to prepare myself for the day ahead as I am here writing about the day before and wondering what this day will hold. As Dementia continues to put darkness in her mind and as she continues each day, seeing the little things that she has forgotten. Simple things, those that I learned about in the Savvy Caregiver Class. Like not knowing about a towel to dry the dishes, or where they go. I've started to remove those unused dishes that we use for eating and cooking so she has less things to find or put away. As an example, I'll ask her to get, say, the milk out of the refrigerator for cereal or to drink with our meal and then stand next to her and point to the milk. 

On the Big Bang Theory, Sheldon has a bathroom schedule on the refrigerator, I've come to the conclusion, that I need to start regulating Sweeties bathroom trips. She has gone completely incontinent, or should I say about 95%. There are the rare times when she heads for the bathroom by herself, most of the time by the time I notice her acting uncomfortable, its too late. So, I'm going to start putting her on the potty twice a day to see if I can reduce her accidents. 

I ordered a couple of fitted sheets for our bed. Even with the pads, she will still get the bed wet. To make it easier for me, because I only have to wash the bottom sheet, I thought it would be easier to just change it, and then wash it later. Found that Febreze works great on those wet spots. Also, going to get some foam carpet cleaner for the pillow top mattress. Amazing the things I'm learning. It is true, necessity is the mother of invention, and in my case, learning on what to do and how to handle it. Trial and error, then try it again. 

If there is one thing that I've learned and is the same today, yesterday and tomorrow is my Driver. He is there waiting for me, holding the car door open, greeting me with a smile and a warm hello. He knows just what I need, and at the same time, He knows how to help me and just when to help me. I sometimes think He talks to me while I write this blog. For I'm looking at yesterday, and then I can see the Easter Eggs that I missed during the day. Thank You Driver. We're off, onto another day of smiles, kisses, tears and fears as we travail each day, driving down the Road to Dementia Town, and as always, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. May you find what I have found as you travel down your Road to Dementia Town, Keep your Shiny Side Up. God Bless and as always, Love Ya.      

Heart ache of the Long Good Bye.

Off to church.

Cuddling on the couch, whispering sweet nothings, expressing love to my lover, the perfect ending to a good day. There were actions that I thought we might have been the running around with sundowners, but it didn't show up. Because the weather was windy and cool, our walking wasn't as much as I'd hoped it would be, we'll take what we can get. 

We were able to get in the back yard for some weed pulling. I let her go as long as she wants to. It is just the idea that she can still do some of those things. I keep encouraging her to keep at it. It may not be the best job ever done, for her, it is. Just to be able to sit and pull weeds, hearing her ask if this one is OK? Or, the old, I don't know what I'm doing as she continues to pull out weeds. 

It seems that I killed our tree in the front yard. Built a retaining wall and when I filled it in with top soil, it killed it. The tree is a surface rooter and burying the roots killed it. Now I'm going to have it cut down and the trunk ground out. It is going to be a visual of what Sweetie and I are going through. There is going to be a huge change in our lives soon. 

This long good bye is heart wrenching. With all the changes that have happened and are yet to happen, can be torture to my soul. Its like watching a train wreck in slow motion. I know where it will end, I just don't know when. 

One of the good things about this trip, is I've gotten to know and depend on my Driver. Each day I look forward to seeing Him, getting into His Shiny car, letting my worries and cares flow out of me and out the window as He navigates the Road to Dementia Town. It is there He speaks words of comfort, caring, and love. He lets me know that there is a time coming that we will be together again, loving and whole. That is a promise only He can keep. So, off I go, in the passenger's seat, with the window down just enough to let my troubles flow out, as we drive the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. If your still doing the driving and seem to get stuck, you might get yourself a Driver, and leave the Driving to Him, as you travel down your Road to Dementia Town, Keeping your Shiny Side Up. Love Ya, God Bless.  

Snow and what it did.

My Sweetie Pie.

Yesterday morning, woke to snow. It snowed most of the day, which by itself should have been fun to watch. Snow in April isn't unheard of, it is just not normal. For me it meant a challenge to keep Sweetie busy. 

She was good most of the day, and I made sure that she did her CBD and I even added the stress relief lotion. From now until June 21st will be difficult time. With the long evenings, sundowners will be at its strongest. 

Because the window I have, I get a good view of the season, the position of the sun when it comes over the Sandia's. Right now, it is like a laser beam, up over the ridge, into my room and lighting up the day. Each day, it comes up a little bit more north than the last sunrise. After June 21st, it will start it descend back south, and with it shorter days. The days may not seem shorter, they are, a few minutes less each day and by August, those minutes will add enough to shorten the evenings, that will lesson the grip of sundowners on Sweetie and me. I am looking forward to those shorter evenings this year, this winter, for I've learned and have more tools to help us through the rages of sundowners. With each passing day I keep trying new tools to help us get through this day and only this day. For I have to take each day as a special and unique day. 

Received a message from daycare, they are making plans to reopen on Monday, May 4th. Man am I looking towards that day. I don't know if the golf course will be open, if not, just being home alone for some quiet time will be welcomed. 

He's here, so early, and to tell the truth, welcomed. "Morning Driver." I know that whatever happens on our drives, I'll get something good out of it. Off we get, grabbing a jacket as I go, it is cold outside this morning. He reminded me of the Easter Eggs that were found yesterday, and, of course, he is right, there were many. Down the Road to Dementia Town we head, avoiding the pot holes as my Driver and me travel Keeping our Shiny Side Up. Not much traffic today, so we should be able to spot you as you too, drive the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping your Shiny Side Up. Love Ya, God Bless. 

A tool for Sundowners.

Sweetie at the VA.

I hope you all had a good Easter. Ours was uneventful, which was and is a good thing. After posting and doing my morning prayer and meditation time. I surrender to the fact that the weather meant a day inside. Which meant I'd have to find something that kept Sweetie's mind busy. 

I'm trying to help by making things simpler for her. I emptied out the silverware drawer and have only spoons and forks in the drawer. and only 4 of each. That way she isn't confused by looking at a empty drawer when putting them away. I'm slowly removing excess cooking utensils, soon pots and pans that are not used will be stored out of the way, again, to make it simple for her to help me do the dishes. Simple is good. I know she won't be able to help at all, when the time comes. I just want her to feel important, to herself, if nothing else. 

I've found that encouraging her when she gets something right is important to her. You should see her face when she does it right and I tell her what a good job she's done. I know it is the same with a toddler, and that is just about where she is. 

I've been thinking that it is about time for me to start putting her in nighttime diaper's. Or try to wake her up and take her potty. Even with the pads, she'll move off them and get the bed wet. I put one under the sheet and one on top so that if she moves off the top one, there is a layer of protection that might save the mattress. Then again, like all plans there seems to be the human factor. 

If I don't give her liquid, she gets dehydrated, and if I do, she doesn't make it to the potty most of the time. I used to get frustrated at this but by now, it is just a factor of her disease that I have to live with.    
We turned on Micky's Clubhouse yesterday at the time she has the most problems with her sundowners. It is like the magical bullet. It just allows her to focus and get involved. I'll be there with her, and as the show goes on, she smiles, and even tries to say the things that Mickey tell her to say. I love it. I don't know how long the stay will be at this point of her journey, I just know, it sure is nice to have a tool that will help her stay calm during those terrible sundowner times. Simple is good. I might even try Sesame Street. 

That just about does it for today. It is time for my Driver to arrive and I have to get going, still in my jammies. I know the drive will be good for me today. He's going to take a more exciting road today. I love rollercoasters and He knows it. I'm looking forward to it. Me and my Driver, wearing cool sunglasses, going around curves, up and down hilly roads, and as always, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. May you have a good drive today, as you motor down the road, Keeping Your Shiny Side Up. Love Ya, God Bless. 

Pick's Disease.

Beauty and Beast. I feel that way.

Happy Easter to you. As a Christian, this is the reason for my faith. This day, Jesus came out of the tomb and walked among the people, His disciples, and other believers. This is the day that, as Christian's, Hope was born. May you all enjoy this day as best as you can. 

Found somethings interesting yesterday. One is don't turn off the program that Sweetie is watching before she knows its over. Dark clouds form and if I don't something quick, the sun heads off in a downward projections. She doesn't know what it is that is bothering her, I can just see it in her face, attitude, and tone. What was I thinking. 

While making a effort to clean up my desk, I came across a lab report for Sweetie. It was dated just over 3 years ago and in the diagnosis line was Pick's disease. Pick's disease, what is it? So I goggled it. Pick's disease is another way of saying Frontotemporal Dementia. So, now I have two diagnosis for what is wrong with Sweetie. 

When the first diagnosis was done, she was diagnosis with Primary Progressive Aphasia. The phycologist told me she had a hard time coming up with the diagnosis. Then, 8 months later, another diagnosis that for some reason I didn't remember a change in. Both are a form of Dementia, so it really doesn't matter, accept for what, nothing. Both have about the same symptoms and I have to live with it. 

Couple of other things, one, Oatmeal cookies do to the digestive system what oatmeal cereal does. Second, we found Micky's clubhouse on the Disney channel. It is a program for preschoolers and guess who likes it? Yep, Sweetie. She has fun counting, and because the viewer is encouraged to play along with Mickey and friends, she does. It is so cute to watch her, watching the show. I can even leave the room because she is so involved watching it. 

Would you look at that, my Driver has on His Sunday Best. Looking good. He has a special trip planned for us today. I'm ready, for today is special to me too. Today is our adoption day. As He tells it, it is His Second Birthday, raised to a new life, so come on, let us celebrate. Heading for the car, and not only is it shiny, it has balloons on it this morning. What there is something on my seat, a big basket and that can only mean that they're going to be an Easter Egg hunt later. Driving the Road to Dementia Town, heading for a Easter Egg hunt, as always, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. May you find what your looking for as you drive down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping your Shiny Side Up. Happy Easter, and I love ya. God Bless.    
  

Sundowners, encouragement from an old friend.

Huntington Beach Pier. One of Sweeties favorites.

 

Two days ago, in the middle of sundowners running wild. I got a phone call from a friend of mine that I hadn't talked to in some time. Sweetie was heading for the door, and told him I couldn't talk just then, sundowners was off and running. It was later in the evening when I was able to return his call. 

He had been thinking about us, and wanted to see how we were doing and to pray with me.  Last time we saw him and his wife was on our return home after getting Tweetie. He told me that he was happy that they have a mental image of her from 2 years ago. Sweetie was still able to recognize them and hold conversations. It was good to hear from him. 

Had a interesting thing happen yesterday. Met a neighbor 2 houses down. She told me that she knew about Sweetie because she walk into her home, and with the help of another neighbor she knew of her Dementia. It is driving me crazy to think that I didn't know Sweetie had gotten out without me knowing about it. The good out of it, was another offer to watch her if I needed to get out for awhile. 

We had the most perfect day yesterday, full of Easter Eggs. We had just the perfect amount of activities. We walked, cleaned and dusted our bedroom, walked around the neighborhood. It seemed to be a day of refreshing. Sweetie was her loving a wonderful self again. 

I put out our hummingbird feeders, and we now have one feeding at them. The Sparrows are also after the nectar, so there is much activity which keeps Sweetie busy watching all the birds.  

I know that what worked yesterday, may or may not work for today. I'm going to attempt the same routine again for today. I just wish that we could have days like yesterday all the time. Dementia is like the weather, we have sunny days, windy days, stormy days and so on. I just have to see which Sweetie I have for the day, and plan accordingly. 

My ride with my Driver yesterday proved to be the right medicine for my frazzled nerves. There He is, smiling at me, I just wonder what He's up to. That is what I love about Him, always something new each day. Today will be no different. So, here we go, out the door and into the car we get. As we go, together, down the Road to Dementia Town, minding the speed limit, and Keeping Our Shiny Side Up. Enjoy your ride, even if you drive on the wrong side of the road, you too and Keep Your Shiny Side Up. Till tomorrow, remember I Love Ya and God Bless.  

Frustration, Anger, Sundowners

Sweetie and Tweetie.

I would like to say that I was on my game yesterday, but that isn't what happened. Dementia is on the move. Drawing Sweetie deeper and deeper in to its clutches. I can always go through the thousand questions and what I could of done to prevented the unraveling of the day. Its what I do when we don't have good ending to the day. 

Yesterday started good enough. She slept until 10 in the morning, and because we were going to have lunch in a few hours we didn't have breakfast. Could that have been the catalyst? Who knows. When we left the grandkids home, she was aloof, so I gave her some more "Happy Medicine" in attempt to bring her back. To say the least, it just slowed the journey some. 

Soon she was off and running, being driven by the monster Dementia, she had to get out of the house and go and help those imaginary kids. People in the neighborhood are getting to know her. With everyone staying home, there are people out and will try to talk with her. I am grateful that we have such kind neighbors. 

I ended up blowing up at her later in the evening. I realize now that it was over control, control of something that cannot be controlled. I was feed up and she had wet her pants, soaked all the way and when I tried to get her cleaned up, she wouldn't let me near her, saying that she could do it herself, then she wouldn't, and around and around we went. You cannot argue with Dementia, or a 10 year old. At that point it seemed like they morphed into one stubborn person. My anger, frustration, and being tired with her just did not mix well. Eventually we got it together enough to make it to bed and sleep. 

I'm waiting to hear the horn marking the arrival of my Driver and that much needed ride with Him. To rest in the passenger seat, to talk to Him and feel the heartaches and frustration of yesterday just flow out of me, what a relief. Just thinking about our drive today has brightened my spirit. To switch gears and have nothing to fret about, that is what I need and will get, as we go down the Road to Dementia Town, driving without a care because my Driver knows where to take me. And as always, we will Keep our Shiny Side Up. I've been told that there is someone else out here, as she is driving Nigel, keeping her Shiny Side Up. Great to hear from you all, as you drive your Road to Dementia Town, Keeping Your Shiny Side Up. 

Puzzle, Pizza, and Easter Eggs.

Most of the Clan.

Today is a day that I look forward to. Its Pizza Day at the son's home. It is the only day that we get to see our grandsons on a regular bases. I've come to look to enjoy this excursion of the simple reason, I can relax for an hour or so. For whatever reason, Sweetie is on her best behavior while we are there, and I get an hour of adult conversation. 

Daughter-in-law and I have grown close over the years, more so since Sweetie started her journey and it is good for us. When you throw the grandsons into the mix, it makes for a rousing and fun time. The different personalities, each buying for attention, wanting to show, tell, or just become the center of attention is just as enjoyable for Sweetie as it is for me. 

Yesterday was a good day. I let her sleep in and while she was sleeping, I worked on our jigsaw puzzle. I felt it was good to relieve myself of the cares of being a caregiver, to have a distraction of what was to come later in the day. 

Now, when I hear Sweetie getting up, I head upstairs to greet her and, if I can, to sit on the potty, change her panties and use a wet wipe to clean her bottom. This is becoming a good thing, a clean bottom, makes for a happy morning. Who'd know? I also can give her, her anti meds. 

Spent the day doing yard work, setting up the humming bird feeders, putting sugar on the shopping list, and now we are waiting for the winged creatures to show up. New Mexico is on the migration path of many different birds, so I'm hoping that with the feeders out early this year, we will see some of the others as they migrate pass us on their way to where they will spend the summer. Many Easter Eggs yesterday. 

Spent some time sitting in the back yard, watching and listening to the birds. Sparrows, Doves, and others. Saw a hawk flying about 2 feet off the ground while we were walking the neighborhood. Sweetie gets so excited when she sees nature in action. 

What, is it that time again? Yep, Driver snuck in and tapped me on the shoulder. I jumped a mile when He did that. So, onward we go, heading out the door, grabbing my cool sunglasses along the way. I'll need them today, the report is clear skies and plenty of sunshine bouncing off the hood, or bonnet for my friends across the pond say, as we motor down the Road to Dementia Town, keeping our Shiny Side Up. Here's to you, and your drive today, Keeping your Shiny Side Up. See you tomorrow, Love Ya, God Bless.      

Adjust and adjust again.

Do I have to say anything? 
 

What was Sweetie like before dementia? As caregivers we want to remember those times when our loveones were alive, over flowing with words, deeds, and love. It seems that the more she goes down the Road to Dementia Town, the less of the bad stuff about her and our marriage I remember. Is it sorrow that I have to live with the shell of the women that I married over 32 years ago that is allowing me to be so melancholy? Or is it the fact that all those good times and bad times made us what we are today. 

To dwell in the past is a luxury that I cannot afford. If I do that I find myself getting angry about what has happened to us. When I get angry, I start feeling sorry for myself, and then I ... well, it just doesn't end well emotionally. When we got married, this wasn't the way it was suppose to end, it wasn't even a box to check on the list of thing we were going to do. 

Yesterday was a so, so day. She seemed a bit off from the day before. Yesterday, she was aloof, always seemed to be on the edge of sundowners. Walking along the edge, not jumping off, more like looking over the edge and wanting to step off into the abyss of nonsense. She was bossy, not listening, didn't need help in the potty, and that scares me. She didn't want me to help her do anything and that scares me too. I know as she moves into this new stage of her Dementia I'm going to adjust everything. 

I feel stupid as she moves down the road because I know she is going to do what Dementia tells her to do and when to stop moving. I would like to say, here is where she is going to stay for a long, long time. Because we've been at this for 10 years now, I know each step will happen and with each step, the steeper and faster the decline. 

Did have some Easter Eggs yesterday. Met some new neighbors, the introduction of "We're the Alzheimer's" helps when Sweetie goes into her makeup world conversations. Nice to know people understand. Who knows we might get the reputations of that crazy couple. Wouldn't mind that. 

Driver should be showing up soon, and I've had enough coffee to now have to get rid of it. Don't want to keep Him waiting. I know He doesn't mind me not being on time, for He has all the time in the world. Just wondering which car He'll bring today. What I do know, is that I'm just riding Shotgun, wearing my cool sunglasses, as we drive the Road to Dementia Town, keeping my basket near by as we are Keeping our Shiny Side Up. If you see us, try flashing your lights and we will wave. See you tomorrow, Love Ya, God Bless.