Big dummy that I am.

Sweetie with favorite and only DIL.

We had another recovery day. From the time she got up, until when she went to sleep at night. A constant movement. 

Tuesday

I didn't help much, because I cut her hair again. I mean wacked it off. It took two attempts to get it done, and I'm not real happy with the way it got done, but it is done. I know that she won't need another hair cut for the rest of the year. I may trim it up now and then, but for the most part, it is all off. 

I paid my price for the haircut. After it was all done, she became restless, and won't sit next to me, or on the couch. Like the big dummy that I am, it took late in the evening to realize that it was her haircut that upset her. 

She did finally did sit with me and it wasn't a friendly sit. She was stone faced, and didn't want me to touch her. Even when I tried to get her to come to bed, she refused. Got to the point that I thought we would be up all night. When she got up and went back to bed. It was then, lying in bed, that the thought came to me about her haircut. I worried that she would be up all night and then I heard that wonderful sound, the sound of sleep breathing. I could relax and sleep came to me. 

I have an appointment at the VA this morning. My biggest concern is her state of mind. That she be willing to accompany me. She doesn't have a choice in this matter, because she cannot be left alone anymore. 

Driver knows my concerns, and He is a specialist in that arena. I've talked with Him and I can trust that whatever happens today, He is behind the wheel, and know that right turns to make. I know, that whatever happens today, He is there. Driving us down the Road to Dementia Town, even during those times when we are struggling to Keep our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.  

 

A gold star day.

Sweetie's Kids and me. 

This is me and my backup crew, of sorts. From left to right are the kids in age. Yellow has helped somewhat, the one on the left is so afraid of helping, she won't. She is also out of work and I've offered to pay her for her service, and she has refused. The biggest fear I have is, if something happens to me, what will happen to Sweetie? More than likely, they will put her in a home until Jesus makes a house call. 

What is nice and a bit comforting is that I'm a good money manager and if that scenario is played out, Sweetie will be well taken care of. We're in the right place for her care, if I'm gone. In writing this, I realize how right I am. It isn't one of those things you dwell upon, but it is true. 

When Sweetie's mom had her stroke, and none of us kids could help, and she was poor, our choices were limited. I don't have that worry hanging over my heart if I'm called home first. Thank you Driver.

Monday

After a weekend of some struggles, I wanted out and on the golf course. It was going to be warm with a slight breeze, and I needed a break from the house. 

Sweetie woke up with a smile, and that is always a good sign. Smiling, attempting to make conversation, and I am just delighted to see her this way. 

Before I got her up, I made oatmeal for breakfast so she would have it right off the bat. Put some bananas on it this morning, she ate it right up. Another good sign that she was going to have a good day. 

I was right. We did some laundry, headed for the course, for a day in the sun. She wasn't as active as before while I was playing. Her getting out of the cart and walking to the tee's and greens is less. She is becoming more and more willing to just sit in the cart. I'm still afraid of those moments when she decides to get out and walk to that misty Dementia destination. She hasn't done that in over a year, but the possibility of her doing that is still real. 

Went to Lowe's for a new sprinkler, home for lunch and a little bit of yard work. Then dinner, TV, and the day is done. A gold star day. 

Driver just loves it when the beauty of His plans are on full display. With a sprinkle of sunshine, a whisper of joy, and a relaxation of contentment, we enjoyed our day on the Road to Dementia Town, one more time. As we go, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.    

 

Special Easter Egg.

Sweetie and me.

It is hard for me to look at these pictures and see what is happening to Sweetie. For when I look about in my office, and see the pictures of us that are scattered around the room and on the walls, I can look at her now, and see the ravages that Dementia has done to her. It breaks my heart. 

At this point in time she just doesn't have that many good days in a row. She and I will pay a price for when we have these outings. Her energy levels are getting low, and she burns up any reserves quickly. On top of that, it seems that for every good day we have, we now have at least one recovery day, sometimes two. 

Sunday

Yesterday was a good example. I heard her in the bedroom, so I knew she was up. When I got to her she was somewhat dis-orientated, had to help her into the bathroom and got her ready for the day. 

Breakfast was oatmeal, with butter and brown sugar. After which she went back to bed. We've been through this pattern several times before, so I knew we weren't going anywhere that day. She was out of sorts most of the day. 

It was more so towards evening that she seemed to get her feet under herself. Watched Disney for the afternoon. From what I could observe, I don't think she knew just where she was, and I know she doesn't know who I am. But we made it through till dinner time. Again, while I'm cooking, she is wandering. She doesn't like it when I'm not sitting, so she comes in, checks on me, and goes back out. 

The best thing to report about yesterday was dessert time. She, for the first time in months, cut a piece of cake and got it to her mouth using her right arm. She did it twice, and then went back to the easier left hand. I was just thrilled. 

Driver always seems to have some special Easter Eggs for me. To see Sweetie do something that she hasn't done in months is a special Easter Egg. As the days grow long, and summer approaches, the rides on the car, grow longer. It doesn't make any real difference, for we will get to Dementia Town soon enough. As we travel the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless. 

 

Birthday party.

Sweetie with grandsons. Birthday boy in white shirt. #16.

As you can see, we made it. I'm so glad we did. It turned out that the whole clan was there. The other granddad, both daughters and of course the boys dad. All in all, it was a good gathering. 

I was worried earlier as we were waiting for the time to hit the road. Suddenly, Sweetie did one of her abrupt moves and headed for the bedroom. When I checked on her, she was out. Nap time, and I just left her there. 

Then the decision to go came, and I woke her up with telling her it was time to go, to the birthday party. She smiled and got up, and away we went. 

Not knowing what to expect, I was happily surprised by the daughters, and was able to get some good family grouping pictures. They will be precious now and later. 

Sweetie was so good, she didn't freak out, she just was happy to be with me. My DIL made an observation that she noticed that when I left her side, she didn't let me out of her sight. "Did you notice she watches you all the time?" Maybe it is because I'm used to her being with me all the time, that it is just normal for us. 

All in all it was a great day. Even when we go home. Stayed up until 8, which for me is good. Had a restless night, but not a high tension night. We even cuddled in bed for a short time. That was nice. 

Looks like Driver found the right way to get to the other side of the mountain. A beautiful route, full of flowers, green grass, and blooming trees. We did get out and look for Easter Eggs, found quite a few. As it is, as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless. 

 

Tenderizing mallets.

My Sweetie Pie.

There was a time, when I would get so mad at her, I felt that I would explode. Then, she would flash those love eyes at me, and dissipate the anger that was there. She still has the ability to flash those "Love eyes" at me. When she does that, it makes it all good again. 

Now, if and when I look back, I could see that it was me, not her, that was the fly in the ointment. It seems that no matter how much I tell her "I'm sorry" it is never enough. Now, I can say "I love you" and "I'm sorry" at the same time by taking care of her. A living amends spoken of in the AA way of life. You know, it isn't a bad way of life, for it has made me more tender. Remember those tenderizing mallets? Sometimes I feel that I've been pounded by one, it hurt then again, it was worth it. 

Friday

It started with me hearing her in the bedroom. Knowing that she was up, I hurried back there. I didn't want her to wander to far from the bathroom. When she does, it takes a little more effort to get her there and change her. Sure enough, I was right. She didn't want to go and get changed, she wanted to do something other then what was needed. I've learned that if I just guide her in the direction I want, she will eventually allow me to get done what needed to be done. 

In my new food plan, we had cereal with bananas for breakfast without toast. She ate it all gone. Then she headed back to bed. She seems to be taking another step down into the darkness of Dementia. As long as she stays in the house I let her alone. The rule of if it doesn't cause harm, leave it alone.  

It turned out to be the theme for the day. Every time she would come out, and sit with me and I'd make a suggestion of going out of the house, she would get up and go back to bed. Sometimes she would stay there for 5 minutes, sometimes 15 or more. She did not want to leave the house. She did try the front door once, couldn't open it, and returned. 

We had applesauce for lunch and had a late dinner. She was ready and ate eagerly. Had our cake dessert, sat on the couch to finish the day and off to bed we went. Ending the day on a good note. 

Today, we are invited to a grandson's birthday party and I hope that she will have a different mindset. That I'll be able to convince her that we are going. Can't leave her alone, so she has to go with me. 

We are coming to a fork in the road, and which way will Driver go? Before, it was fairly easy to choose, now the choices are getting difficult. Do we want to go around the mountain, or over it. Either way we will have to choose. Driver knows the way, either way we go, so I wait and see. Do we take the easy path, or the challenging one? I'll just wait let the decision happen. For we are on the Road to Dementia Town, just making sure we Keep our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.   

 

Greatest joy.

Us, 2012.

I was talking with a friend of mine the other day and we talked about time, and the prospective of how we look at it. It is like this picture, just 9 years ago. It seems like a flash. That it wasn't that long ago, and yet before those years were here, it seemed like it took forever to get here. 

Anticipation and memories are two different time spans. One you have to wait for it, and the other is after the event. It is the doppler effect of life. The great build up, and then it happens, and is gone. Whatever happens after the event, is now the memory. Good or bad, doesn't matter, it is just a memory. 

As memories go, I can choose which ones I will dwell upon. I choose those, like the pictures I use on this blog. As to who my Sweetie is, I choose those memories that bring me the greatest joy. I stack them up like log for a fire, and I use them to keep me focus on who she is. She isn't the woman with a fading memory who doesn't know who I am, or who Sweetie is, she is the love of my life, the precious gift from my Driver and I have to keep that memory as the anchor of our life today. 

Thursday

It was a good day. On the cool side, with just enough wind to make it challenging. I had made up my mind that we wouldn't spend the day in the house. It was a bright day, a crisp blue sky day, a day to get out and do something. So, I made sure we did. 

It was a good day to fumigate the house. So, we had to get out. Off to the golf course we went, and then to the mall for a mall crawl. I was worried about Sweetie, just a little. I bundled her up, and off we went. 

She was the trooper of old, she wanted to be outside and fought against the cold. I know she was freezing, for when I held her hand, it was like ice. When asked about her being cold, she would smile, and take my hand. It was "Yes I am, but I'm with you." look. All was well. Will be so happy when the temperatures rise. Each increase in temperatures will bring with it, different challenges, but warm to hot is easier to handle then warm to cold. 

The best part of the day was the evening. Dinner time. It seems that Mr. Sundowners is making headway into our late afternoons. Daylight savings time seems to be his time to visit more and more. I ended up giving Sweetie a dose an hour and what amazed me the most is how calmly she took it. Along with a dab of Stress relief, she was able to calm down and we enjoyed a nice dinner, sat on the couch, cuddled, and watch TV until 8. That is an Easter Egg all by itself, to stay up that late. 

Driver said it was a first in a long time to have to turn the headlights on. We usually end our day with the sun still above the horizon. We were tired from a long day on the Road to Dementia Town, which was a good tired, for we Kept our Shiny Side Up all day long. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.  

 

Miss the freedom.

Foothills of the Sandia's.

A few years back, when I was still able to go out on my own, I'd head for the mountains, go hiking, and this is some of the scenery I would see. 

I miss the freedom that we had with each other. We lived a life that allowed us to do things on our own. Now, with the way things are, it is like I am now making up for all those times I would leave her alone. Now I wonder what she did while I was off doing "My Thing." The way things are today, the constant attention she needs, the inability to leave her alone, can become a heavy weight on my heart, if I let it. 

I'm still of the mindset that it isn't her fault the way she is. I'm not the reason she has Dementia, though sometimes I think that, driving her crazy sometimes could be a factor. It is just the way it is, and I have to appreciate the time I have with her. 

There are times that I think she knows what is happening to her, and she cries. When that happens, all I can do is hold her close to me and tell her that I love her, and that I'll never leave her. It helps, it doesn't stop the hurt. 

Wednesday

It was cold and windy. A bad day for any outside activity. Sweetie just doesn't handle the wind well. For one thing we wear hats and the wind keeps tugging at hers, and it scares her. Then there is the wind-chill, causing her to get cold, brrrr. 

We spent the day watching TV. After the fiasco from the day before, I was very careful on what we watched. We are now going through the Winnie the Poo movies. She likes them, and will even comment on them. 

Most of the day was enjoyable, it was in the evening that she began to get restless. Again it was when I left her and started cooking dinner. She would get up, go to the bedroom, back out into the kitchen, and repeat. 

As I've said before, we are taking in smaller meals to get her hunger up. It worked last night. We had mac and cheese, gave her her normal portion, she scarfed it down. For the first time in forever, I gave her another helping, and it too disappeared. We ended the day on a high note. 

Easter Eggs are abundant, when you look for them. Yesterday was a day of plenty. Driver found a field to stop at, and we got out and found the Easter Eggs that were there. Such a Sneaky Guy Driver can be. I never know where we are going to stop and get out and what is waiting for us. As we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.       

 

Gravel on the pavement.

Sunrise 

There  are so many analogies that available to be used in describing what it is like living with your love one that has Dementia. The one that could be used is that of a high wire walker. You know what I mean. The one at the top of the big top, or walking across Niagara Falls. Slowly stepping off the safety of the platform onto the wire. Then slowly going across to the other side, with a slip and a catching their balance, they continue to the other side. 

That is how I looked at the past couple of days. The slip, the recovery, and now continuing on the wire. I was to regain our balance and until the next slip, we are, again, moving along the wire of life. 

Tuesday

After a shaky morning, before getting Sweetie up, setting a plan for the day in my head, we got started. 

Lately, I've noticed a decline in the weight of her overnight pad. She doesn't seem to be putting out the amount of liquid as she did in the past. She isn't dry by any standard, it is just that she isn't soaked. Good or bad is yet to be determined. 

I still give her enough liquids to drink during the day, yet, I don't want to have her get dehydrated. It is nice not to have to change the sheet that often. 

For breakfast, I gave her toast and an insure. I used to then have a bowl of cereal and more milk. Because of her not eating, or seeming hungry, I cut out one of the choices. Lunch is now a half of a sandwich and apple sauce. 

Last night, I got KFC for us. It took her awhile to get the hang of it, but she ate, and ate well. A little more TV, and then off to bed we went. She was asleep almost at quickly as she put her head on the pillow, and I soon followed her. 

We hit a rough piece of road yesterday. There was gravel on the pavement and the car went a little squirrely. Driver with His great driving skills, quickly got the car back under His control. I think He lets those things happen so He can show off His skills now and then. Just to remind me, that now matter what is on the pavement, He can handle it. Safely, as we head on down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.

 

3 hours sleep.

My Sweetie

I keep trying to push the envelope of TV programing and I keep loosing. When am I going to learn? 

Sometime I just get tired of watching kids and nature shows. I want something that will put a little thrill in my watching. That, my friends, is a road that always leads to disaster.

Monday 

I tried what I thought was mild drama, and by my standards it is. By Sweetie's Dementia it was way out of bounds. I tried NCIS. Nope, nada, never again. Sweetie got stoned face, and irritable real fast. She was up and down all day after watching one episode. By the time I turned it off, the damage was already done. 

She would get up and go to bed, then up, and then back to bed again. A pattern that means she doesn't feel safe, that danger is about to pounce on her. No matter what I say or did, wasn't enough. Even extra doses of oil and lotion wouldn't set the emotion clock right. 

It wasn't until later when I had Cars 3 on, that she started to hold my hand, to cuddle just a little. It wasn't over yet. 

When we went to bed, she tossed and turned just about all night. Which meant I was up too. I think I got about a total of 3 hours sleep, which I can handle, for her, that is another story. 

I've decided that I'm going to get her up a little earlier this morning, and get her outside today. I want to tucker her out a little, so that when we go to bed tonight, she will get some real sleep. Planning on both the mall and golf today, weather permitting the golf today. 

Each day on the Road to Dementia Town is a different adventure. There are days of road construction, of washed out sections, and just stretches of rough and bumpy pavement. That was what we hit yesterday. Again, Driver did His best to keep it smooth over the potholes and cracks. I know He will find smoother pavement when he can. After all, we are trudging down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.  

 

Shakes.

Sweetie loves roosters.

I could never understand this love for roosters and at the same time, if I was stuck for something, a gift to give her. Anything with a colorful rooster on it would do. Like this hansom fellow. She loved this picture. 

Finding those things that used to excite her and still do, are harder and harder to find. 

Sunday

When I got out of my office, I found Sweetie wondering around the front door. Seeing that the dead bolt had been opened but the lock on the door knob was still in the lock position. I think she was trying to get out and the childproof cover stopped her. I'm going to be more aware from now on. 

We had a good day, with each passing day, she is more and more willing to just sit and watch TV. Or she is also willing just to sit. As long as she knows that I'm close by, she is content. 

When I got breakfast for us, she is trying to use her right arm more and more. One of the sad things is to watch her attempt to put food into her mouth. Her right hand shakes, and the effort to put food in her mouth and she shakes, and the arm just won't make it to her mouth, she tries to bend over for it, and just at the last second, the food falls off her fork. If I try to help her, she gets mad at me. I feel so helpless, and at the same time, I'm glad to see her trying to use the arm. 

We watched Pixar movies all day. They are good for her, some drama, but not enough to upset her, and enough laugh and fun to entertain her and me. We also got out and walked around our block, twice, for some sunshine and fresh air. 

I skipped lunch just to see how she would do. On the weekends I have a couple of zoom meetings in the early evening, so we eat dinner earlier. By skipping lunch and having an earlier dinner, she seemed to be willing to eat more, which, for me, is a good sign. Think I'll try it again today. All in all, it was a good day, as most days are. There wasn't any fuss about the day, and she stayed by my side, which is also good. 

Peaceful Sunday is what we had with Driver at the wheel. Spring is here, there are blossoms on the trees, and the country side is dressed in colors. As we head down the Road to Dementia Town, ohhing and awwing as we go, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.  

You and Me.

My great lover.

I have a picture frame on my desk with the caption of "You and Me". It is meant to have a picture of two people, otherwise why would say "You and Me"? As the caption reads, who is who's great lover? I know she is mine, and I will always think that I am hers. 

Saturday

My lady came in to stay with Sweetie. We talked about Respite, and what is going on with her. I told her how when I get her up, I hold her hand to guide her into the bathroom. I'm not really sure if she needs me to do that, it is just a feeling I have. She isn't as stable as she used to be. 

As we talked about Sweetie, she told me that even though she  hasn't been coming for a long period of time. With the time she has been with us, she has seen a big decline in her. Which confirms what I've been seeing. 

As you would expect, she gives me a report on how they did while I was gone. She told me she thinks it is so sweet that she recognizes me and peeks up when I come in. 

One of the things she does, is she baths Sweetie when she is with her. That is good, and I told her that I would like that to continue. Even when we shower in between, it is good that she is clean. 

I'm going to either skip a meal, or reduce her intake of food during the day. The idea is to build up her appetite for a larger meal. Sometimes I think I just over feeding her and she doesn't have enough time in between meals to digest her last meal and it is still in her stomach so she isn't ready for another meal. Last night she just couldn't eat. Her, "I'm not hungry" behavior was on full display when I cooked our dinner. She left the table before she even sat down. She did come back and eat some food before I just gave up. I'm hoping that this morning she will regain some of her appetite. If it doesn't come back, it just means a new door has been opened. As her metabolism slows down, so does her ability to digest food, and with that comes less of a need to eat. 

That is OK, for it is like when we are driving above the speed limit, and both Driver and me enjoy the thrill of the high speed sprint, and we need the slow down times to relax and enjoy the view. As He drives us, these times will come and go, as it should. As we drive on down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless. 

 

 

Balance.

Sweetie and youngest daughter.

Had one of those days that came straight out of of the theme of Happy Days. It started well and finished well. The reason I pulled this picture is that I told her youngest about getting cremation policies for us, about the ern, and memory box. 

The memory box is for keep sakes and stuff. I'm not a imaginative type guy, and she is very creative. I asked her if she would take the box and do her magic with it. She's coming over tomorrow to get it. I know it will be done with extreme love and care.

With spring right around the corner, it is time for me to fumigate the house. About ten years ago, we had cockroaches in the pantry, and crickets in the other parts of the house. I tried everything to get rid of the pest. My last effort was to put out those home fumigation kits. It worked. After that, I began a regimentation of doing it twice a year. Spring and autumn. We have been bug free since. So, on Monday, before we head off to the golf course, I'm going to set off the bombs, so by the time we get back, it will be safe for us to come back in. 

Friday.

The day went so well for us. When I got her up, she was smiling, eyes twinkling, and it was such a joy for me. It set the mood for the day. She didn't wet through, so I didn't need to change the drop cloths or wash sheets or change pants. Yea. She even had a small bm while she was sitting on the potty. Good start to what was to be a good day. 

After breakfast, we were up and running. Heading for the golf course. It was breezier then I thought and Sweetie was chilled at the beginning. Before we left the house, I'd given her an extra does of CBD, as a precaution against bad behavior. It worked. She hung in there and by the time we were half way through, it had warmed up to where she was enjoying herself. 

I'm trying something new with meals. I feel that by eating by the clock on the wall, isn't the best thing for her, or me. I can eat because it is time, yet my body isn't really ready to eat, not hungry. So, to use me as a timing device, I'm starting to have smaller meals twice a day, and a good dinner at the end. Sweetie eats because I put food in front of her, not because she is hungry. I don't think she has been hungry for a long time. When she eats, and she is hungry, the food disappears off her plate. If she isn't very hungry, the "I'm not hungry" behavior starts. I'm trying to find a balance of intake to match the energy output. That will also equated to a good night sleep. A healthier life style for both of us. 

Healthier lifestyle is just right around the corner. Driver is seeing a better road ahead, and we are taking it. A chance to pick up some hidden Easter Eggs along the way. As we head down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.

 

    

Corvette.

My lady and my queen.

Something to share that is totally off subject. Before I retired, I wanted a Corvette. So, after I retired, I went out and found Tweetie. Well, now if you don't know, Chevrolet has come out with a new C8 Corvette. I want one. And it so happens that if all goes well, I'll be able to get one next year. The sad part is, I'm going to wait until Sweetie goes home. She doesn't like getting in out of Tweetie so we don't take her out much these days. That is why I wait.

Tweetie.

Live for today, plan for tomorrow, and hope should be part of both. That is how I try to look at things. I hope everyday that I can wake Sweetie up and I hope everyday she is as safe and warm that I can make her. I hope that tomorrow brings hope for that day. 

Thursday

It was a good wake up. She was smiling when I walked into the room. That is one of my joyful moments, her smiling at me. Normally it means a good morning for both of us. I was premature in my estimation of the morning. When I got her up, she started slapping my hands away, and was just grumpy. (Where did Snow White go?) That is when I found out just how important bananas are in her cereal. She kept looking for them, and wouldn't eat her cereal. 

That reminds me. Eating. When we started down this road, eating was a big issue. Special foods, red dishes, all the ins and outs of getting our love ones to eat. I fell into that trap too. After these past years, I've come to a conclusion about what Sweetie will or won't do. Eating is one of them. If she doesn't eat, she doesn't eat. 

In my attempt to understand this disease, I've come to the conclusion that any disease is like a parasite living in a host. The parasite will end up killing the host unless removed. Dementia is a mental parasite, and is killing Sweetie's brain, which in turn will kill Sweetie. 

Why prolong the time she has left? I know that there isn't anything that is going to bring my wife back to where she was 1, 5 or 10 years ago, so I'm just letting nature take its course. The more I struggle, the more I hold on, the harder it will be let her go when she is gone. 

I want those sweet memories to be there for me, not the sour memories. I talk about getting a new Corvette, and if your shocked, sorry. For when I get it, I can thank Sweetie for it. Every time I get in it and drive, she will be there with me. I couldn't do it without the time I needed to be spent on caring for her. 

 A new car, Driver smiles. It is all within His ability to do things for me and Sweetie. Is there anything too hard for my Driver to do? It is like the day on the road with Him, I never know where we are going, it is just into the sunrise, and we finish at sunset. What happens in between are the Easter Eggs awaiting for me to find. Smile and wave as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya and God Bless.   

Frustrating.

Feet in the sand. 

Before I sit down and tell the story of yesterday, I read my post from the day before. Because so many of the things that happen are the same thing that happen the day before. What I want to avoid is a boredom for you to be reading the same story day after day. 

Living with Sweetie can be monotonous and boring. By telling you my stories, I have to think about the day past. What, if anything was different, some new revelation, that I can touch on. At the same time, it allows me to see Sweetie in a different light. 

Wednesday

It is getting out of bed time. I had given her her Milk of Magnesium the night before, and she woke up in the results of that action. We had showered the morning before, and so it was a lower level shower this morning. She was somewhat willing to get into the shower, yet with a little prompting, and gentle nudging in she went. I'm learning to prep the shower earlier, leaving it on as we prepare to get in. Making sure the water tempter and pressure is just right. Then there is the little bit of modesty left in her, for when I put my "hand down" there, she struggles some. Usually, I just cup my hand to let the water slosh in and do the cleaning. If I can open her up a little to make sure she gets completely clean, I do. I don't stop until the water runs clear on the bathtub. Even then, there are times when I dry her off, and I've missed a place or two. That is frustrating. Then it is on the potty and with wet wipes to finish the job. 

When I complain to my Driver, He just smiles, and holds up a mirror. If you think you have a hard time with Sweetie... It is then, I realize that I'm living and complaining about the past. Once a event has passed, it is over, and I will be soon blessed with something else. And that is how it is, as we motor down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless.  

Our love is endless.

Our love is endless and cannot be washed away.

There are so many thoughts running through my brain this morning. Everything from the out pouring of love from you my dear friends to the events of yesterday. Though I do not know you, I know you and love you. 

What started out as a labor, a dairy, log of life with Sweetie, and as the year has come and past, has turned into a conversation with you, my friend. For we share something that most people don't, a disease that affects more than most know or understand. 

This story has turned into a blessing that I cannot describe. A joy that only out of sorrow can produce. Because there has to be an opposite to anything, before their can be choices. For without sorrow, how can their be joy? Without struggle, you cannot become strong, Without loneliness, you cannot have fellowship. I truly believe that is what is happening now, because of you. Thank you. 

Tuesday

Trying something new, let see how it works. It was a strange day for us. Sweetie was her normal morning gal. Not wanting to get up, but I got her up anyway. She was wet and I know she would get cold and smelly if I didn't get her out of bed. She is having a difficult time moving in the morning. I'm wondering how much longer I can go before she will need a walker. And then will she be strong enough to use it. 

Her skin is getting very sensitive now. If she isn't ready for me to touch her, dress her, or wipe her, ouch or oww is her response. It doesn't matter how gentle I am, she just hurts. 

A little different change for breakfast, we sat on the couch and ate toast. I made her her own, and then later, made some for me, sat down, and she wanted half of it. After that we repeated it one more time. 

It was cold and windy, so no golf. After spending a couple of hours watching Micky Mouse Club, Juniors, I wanted out. So, in the car, and took a drive. We headed northwest to Cuba. A nice 45 minute drive, one way, and back. It was enjoyable ride, with the New Mexico landscape going by. This is a very colorful ride, so Sweetie had many things to look at. 

It was a good time with Driver yesterday. Riding along, checking out the landscape, the colors mingling together. There was never too much dull colors and the right blend of joyous colors. And that is the way it was, as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless. 

BMC post.

From us to you, Thank You.

Me and Sweetie, thank you for making us part of your journey, as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, together. 

From your comments, there are those who are just starting, are at the same place, or have finished their journey but are not ready to get out of the car. It makes me feel like I'm the narrator in this life movie. 

When we moved to Albuquerque, I worked for a company who's initial's were BMC. It came to be know as Bitch, Moan, and Complain. That was me yesterday. My post was a BMC post, and, well, I was down. After reading what my post have come to mean to you, I've been renewed.  Please forgive me for letting my ego get involved with my feeling of usefulness. Mugging for complements, and I got mugged. Thank you. 

I have to ask forgiveness for the Admins on Facebook. Again, I was looking only at me, not all that they do. They are doing a great job. 

Now, back to why you read this blog. Sweetie and our day. Monday was just a good day, Easter Eggs galore. It was a wet bed morning, and so, it became a shower morning, a laundry morning, and a good morning. I am grateful that I can still get her hair wet and shampoo it. 

When I get her up and in the bathroom, there is a sequence to our time there. Usually, it is of course, getting her naked on the potty. It may seem silly, but she is most agreeable in the morning. Most mornings, I'll use a wet wipe and do her armpits. Then, lotion for her arm, put on a clean shirt, then her sweatshirt. I usually give her her morning dose of oil at this time. Comb her hair, get her pullups on, and pants. We're done, and out to the day we go. 

One of the things I've learned with her, is if she starts to fight me, I softly tell her who I am, that I take care of her, and this is how I take care of her. Most of the time it soften her, and we get it all done with ease. 

Last night, I forgot to put her overnight pad in, and quickly moved her to the bathroom to get it done. To my surprise, and something that I was hoping for, she had a BM just before we got into the room. I was so content for her, now she would be able to sleep through the night without a load in her pants. 

I can remember as a young father, changing my daughter's diaper and seeing that evidence of the body working, it was good. It is the same with Sweetie. BMs are a good indicator of how well the body is functioning, and she is doing fine. 

My Driver is standing in the doorway this morning, hands folded and smiling. For I believe that He set us all up. Me and my BMC, and you, with your uplifting response. Because we need each other, as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless. 

Sometimes, I just don't know.

Sweetie and son. 

Sometimes, I just don't know. It has been over a year that I started this blog, and it confuses me. Not that I'm still writing, for I will probably continue for until that day when Jesus comes calling. And then maybe for a little while during the process of moving from caregiver to widow, to embracing life as a single man. 

It isn't anything that I can do to improve my outlook, its that the thrill is gone from posting. I feel like it is getting boring to you, my readers. I would get excited by the numbers of who would stop in and read my silly ass post, and now the numbers are decreasing. After a year, it seems that it is, as one of my pastors used to say, the "Chosen Frozen." that hang around and read. Then there are the times when my post on Facebook isn't accepted by those who allow the post to post for hours after I've posted. You see, I get energy from hits and comments, it is as if I have a purpose to what I'm doing. 

Sunday was kinda of strange day. Sweetie didn't want to get up, so I let her stay in bed. Of course that meant wet sheets, and with enough dirty clothes in the washer, to do a load, so it was good. When I tried to get her to go with me to the mall, she didn't want to go, but then later on, we went. Such is life with Sweetie. If she doesn't want to do what I want her to do, just wait five minutes, and she will change her mind. 

Some good news, last time we showered, I was able to get her on a scale, and she gain 6lbs. 

I'm worrying about her energy levels, the are slowly going down. Her not wanting to move, and when I get her up, she is having a rough time of it. Her balance seems to be off just slightly, I hold both of her hands and guide her to the bathroom when I get her out of bed. Once bathroom duties are done, she seems to be better. She just likes to stay in still, and when she is up, she gets going. 

I am trying something new. I gave her her Milk of Magnesium last night at dinner time. My hope is that while she is sleeping, it is doing what it does best. So we can get that part over with first thing in the morning, instead of waiting all day with wet farts. 

Driver knows how this trip is draining my energy. He's there everyday, watching and giving me comfort. "Just get through today, for today is all we have." is His encouragement. As we get another tank of fuel for the day on the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.   

Life as we knew it.

Grandma and granddaughter 2015.

My daughters and family came to visit and see the Albuquerque Balloon Fiesta that year. It was a  good time for all. Sweetie's Dementia wasn't in full swing yet, so we had some great times. There was a time when I was asked by my oldest if she didn't want them there. We hadn't had Sweetie tested yet, so I told her it was her, not them. How right I was without knowing it. 

Now, I'm not sure just how long anyone can come over and visit. Sweetie is clinging to me, not so much physically, more emotionally. Her mental state is dependent on me and how we are. She is like a lost puppy. 

Yesterday morning, she just wanted to stay in bed, not sleep, just lay there. I had to get her up, because if I didn't she would be cranky all day long. 

I got her up around 11, had cereal, and sat down to watch TV. That is where we spent the day. I was going to try and take her to the mall, but because it was Saturday, and the mall would be filled, I changed my mind. I'm finding that a busy mall isn't the best for her, just too many people. We may try today, before it gets too busy, just to get out. March weather isn't good right now for walking outside. 

Daylight savings time has officerly started, what behaviors will begin a new? Only my Driver knows for sure. The days will grow longer, and we will do whatever is needed to make it through these longer times of sunlight. As we pull the visors down, driving into the sun, on the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.    

Strange behavior patterns.

Baseball will soon be upon us. 

Spring training is in full throttle now. Games are starting to look like games instead of the kids out playing in a field. Soon, in California, the Freeway series will happen. The Dodgers and the Angels. A hopeful practice of when that day will happen, a world series between those two cross town rivals. 

The weather report was for gusty winds in the afternoon, so we went to the golf course mid morning and we got in a complete game. Sweetie had some leftover emotional unrest from the other day. She just wasn't enjoying herself like normal. She didn't try to walk away, she just sat, didn't smile much, and was out of sorts all during the game. Stand offish would be a good way of describing her mood. 

Even when we were home, it was the same. Stand off, don't touch, no hand holding. To me those are not good signs. Something is brewing and I'd better beware of strange behavior patterns. 

I've mentioned that I think she is starting into another stage of Dementia, and her behavior is a good indicator of that new stage. I know that there will become a time when she won't want to leave the safety of her home, and the more she is agitated outside of the home, the closer that stage seems to be. 

There are days when I want it to be her last day, for this journey to be over. Then my Driver reminds me, that we still haven't reached the horizon yet. We will get there when we get there, not a day, hour, minute sooner. So, sit back, enjoy the ride, for He is in charge and I am only a passenger, as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.  

Miss the arguments.

It is almost zoo weather again. 

March, in like a lion, out like a lamb and that is true so far this month. It is getting to be zoo weather. Except it is going to be so different this year. Last year the pandemic kept most of the zoo closed and going there wasn't as much fun as it has been in the past. With that in mind, I'm still going to take Sweetie there as much as we can. Hopefully we can make it through the summer. 

Yesterday was lunch with the grandkid's day. It went well. I've found that getting Sweetie a side of meatballs is a good thing for her at lunch time. She will eat two of the three and that leaves one for me, hee, hee. 

As we talked, I brought up I'd purchased cremation policies for the both of us. Which brought up the question of "Will I go back out again?". My answer was yes, because I like women. The other answer, which I didn't say would of been, I don't like being alone. 

With all the time I'm spending taking care of Sweetie, doesn't give the the time and space to think about being alone, yet I am. I have a monolog with her now and then, I hold her hand, we walk together and all that other stuff, and yet I feel so alone at times. Anyone or spouse that is taking care of a loved one with Dementia who reads this understands what I mean.  

I got upset with her yesterday, we went to the golf course and she didn't want to be there, and wouldn't let me mask her. We tussled about and broke the strap on the mask which made it impossible for us to go in. Gotta wear a mask in the pro shop. 

No matter how I kept telling myself it is the disease, not Sweetie, didn't help. I wanted her to know I was mad and she was going to get that through her Dementia mind one way or another. All it did was make her upset because she didn't know what was going on. You know, sometimes I miss the arguments we used to have. The good news is I did get over it, and we finished good. 

It seemed that Driver had found a curvy, steep ups and downs part of the road yesterday. Going left, then right, quickly stopping, and hard acceleration. But we did arrive safely. That is just the way it is on the Road to Dementia Town, as we Keep Our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.  

Fragile.

As she is in my mind.

How could I not love this woman? This blog has made me remember that smile, those eyes that sparkle when she looks at me, her Love Eyes. 

I see eyes like those portrayed in computer generated movies, but never like hers. Still so expressive, such a delight to see and they are only for me. She doesn't have to say a word, her eyes says it all. 

Did some counseling at the VA yesterday, and I mentioned my blog. I was told how good it is for me to put down on paper (sort of speaking) the challenges of living with Sweetie and our traveling down to Dementia Town. I was encouraged to continue my self help posting. To keep my feeling of loss, of loneliness, to myself isn't good. I was told that I'm doing the best thing I could do for myself. 

Movies, did you ever think that a cartoon movie could be a bad thing to watch? For a person with Dementia, I'm finding this to be true. While looking for something to watch on the Disney channel, I thought the movie "Courage" would be OK. Man was I wrong. By the end of the movie, Sweetie was so distressed by what she was watching, and I was too thick to realize it. So, now I'm going to be more attentive to what we watch. Her mental health is really fragile, and it doesn't take much to turn it over. 

Just thankful that my Driver is here with us. For He can help me smooth out the wrinkles when I hit a bump in the Road to Dementia Town, as I try to Keep the Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.