Rainy morning.

#3 and Sweetie

I believe this is from a birthday for one of the grandboys. It isn't often that we get all the family together. When we are, it is photo time. All centered around their mother, I'm just the photographer, which is well and good. 

I love these times because Sweetie is around those that know her and love her. The spark of who they are is still alive within her. 

Tuesday 

It was overcast and rainy this morning. Sweetie was up early again. I watched her moving, and when she got up, I made a dash for the door. 

My herding instincts are working well. Into the bathroom we went. Washed, dried, dressed and out to the living room. Turn on TV, sit her down, back to my zoom meeting. 

Back out for breakfast, cereal topped with Fruit Loops is working well for her. Her appetite seems to be improving. I'm giving her more cereal and she now finishes the bowel. I now wait and if she act like she wants more, I'll toast some bread for her. 

Because of the rainy weather, I left her home in front of the TV, watching "The Book of Pooh." Knowing that she will stay there until she is tired and will then go back to bed for a nap. 

Keeping watch on her, I got my round in, and headed back home. 

She was napping when I got home, and had to wake her. She was deep into sleep and it was difficult. After I got her up, we went for lunch. Half sandwich, and applesauce. When she finished what I gave her, she was spooning the applesauce container and wouldn't let me have it. So, I gave her another helping of sauce. It too disappeared. 

After lunch, we went over to visit her youngest daughter. She was going to come over yesterday, but life got in the way. She had invited us over, so we went. 

On the way over, I tried to tell her who we were going to visit. It didn't make any sense to her until we got there. When she saw her daughter, the fireworks of smiles and a joyous face was so beautiful to see. A photo missed. 

We stayed there for about an hour, and headed home. Bad timing, for we hit rush hour traffic, and of course an fenderbender, on the way we were taking, caused a big back up. Sweetie did great while we were on the road, it was later when we got home, the reaction happened. 

She was irritable and moving all about. After dinner, she wouldn't sit with me. She kept pacing like a caged animal. In my attempt to lower her anxiety, she got more oil and lotion, which finally did work.   

Driver had a challenge to keep us on the right track, the right speed, and avoiding potholes. No matter what, He always gets us to a good rest spot and the end of the day. It was an exhausting day, this day, as we traveled down the Road to Dementia Town, but we were able to Keep our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless. 

Holding hands.

Me and my friend

While we're at the mall, I notice a photo background the mall had set up, and every time we walked pass this area, I keep telling myself, I need to bring the camera with us and get some pictures. As you can see, I did, and we did. Will be sharing some of the others as time goes bye. 

As the days go bye, there are subtle changes that other wise wouldn't be noticed. For one, I've increased the dosage of her CBD. It was half a dropper, now it is 3/4 of a dropper. From once ever 3-4 hours, it is now between 2-3 hours per dose. To make sure, I give her some at bed time, and put lotion on her hands to help her sleep.

Sleep is another changing event. She used to sleep well all night long. Now it is a crap shoot. Sometimes she will sleep all night long, then again, she is up, trying to take the covers off the bed, or wandering the house. The other part of her sleep, is she gets up earlier than before. 

So, now we have, up earlier, cranky attitude, less sleep at night, and that doesn't make for a friendly Sweetie. I know what I'm like if I don't get my normal amount of sleep, I can only imagine what is going on with her when she is low energy and sleepy all the time. 

Monday 

As I was describing, Sweetie was up around 7, and I had to get to her before she got out of the bedroom. It is so much easier for me if I'm there right as she gets up and head her to the bathroom. I think it is because I'm suppose to be there and she knows it. 

Just a side note, about her bowels. I don't think she is ever really constipated, or that she has diarrhea either. As the day goes on, she will have small bowel movements. Not big enough to say she had one, just enough to soil her liner. And again, she will have a good size one and then back to the little ones again. I guess some is better than none. 

Accept for the fact that she was up early, we had a good morning. 

Again, I put some Fruit Loops on top of her bran flakes, and it worked. I'm so glad we found a substitute for the bananas, silly as it sounds. 

If I can remember the KISS method, I do great. 

Tried to play some golf yesterday. It was breezy and I didn't take that into account. Around the 6th hole, Sweetie was shivering. So, as not to want her to freeze for the last holes, we headed home early. 

The rest of the day was a delight. Lunch, pulled some weeds in the front, repaired my flag holder, and as the picture above is proof of, a walk about at the mall.

Then to finish the day, a light dinner, light hearted TV, and off to bed we went. 

It started slow, this day on the Road to Dementia Town, then as the day brightened, so did our spirits. Driver with a smile on His face, Sweetie and me holding hands, watching the miles go bye, and we were Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless.  

The tear.

I just love her.

I wonder, is it all the years that we have had together, or the need to take care of her like a mother chicken takes care of her chicks, which is it that keeps me going? 

Or is it just the simple fact, love is the  motivation for my willingness, my desire to care for her? Or is it what God is putting into my heart? I think it is the latter, but He had to have something to start with, so it is also the former. 

Sometimes I think it is because there isn't anyone else to care for her. Is that being ego centric? It doesn't matter now, or does it. Just got to concentrate on the now, not the what ifs. The what ifs don't matter because they are not what is happening. What is happening now, is me taking care of her and that is all that matters. 

Said this before, that sometimes she has an emotional memory and when she is out of sorts, for whatever reason, she has to show her dislike somehow. As I review yesterday, I think she didn't like being left with a "stranger" on Saturday. 

When I returned from my golf game, she saw me and had a tear rolling down her cheek. That was a first. When I think about the tear, and what we went through on Sunday, it kinda makes sense now. 

Sunday 

It started good. Sweetie was amiable enough, got her up, and she performed well enough in the bathroom, shower, clean clothes on, then out to the couch for Sunday service and breakfast. 

Well, we got half. Sunday service. She wouldn't be drawn away for breakfast, and there wasn't anything I could do to get her to the table. She was lasered focused on the preacher and wouldn't take her eyes and ears off of him. 

Giving up, I put some food and milk on her stand with the hope she would eat something. She didn't.

She was aloof all day long. I had to guide her into the bathroom to check her pullups, she wouldn't sit still, wandered back and forth from the living room to the bedroom. Sometimes trying to lie down and sleep. Only to be up and back to the living room. 

I did get her to eat half of a PB&J sandwich with an applesauce. We were also able to go to the mall for a walk about, then home. Again with the wandering back and forth. It is a little nerve wracking to watch her doing this back and forth. 

Sunday is going to be our spaghetti dinner night. As you know, she can't eat spaghetti, and I use shell pasta as a substitute. To my joy, after I put it on the table, she came and ate it all gone. I purposely gave her more than I'd normally give her, first to see if she could eat that much, Second, if it was enough. She emptied her bowel and was full.  

After that, and with some more CBD, Lotion, and calming TV, Shan the Sheep, Veggie Tales, and the like, we made it off to bed. Holding her hand, we knotted off to dream land.    

Driver was able to avoid some of the bigger pot holes in the Road to Dementia Town yesterday. It wasn't as smooth as it could of been, but we made it to a good place by the end of the day. Wearily ending the day, we headed for the bed, to rest and refresh for yet another day lays ahead. Knowing that we have arrived after spending the day, motoring down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up, C'ya, Luv Ya, and God bless.  

The owner of my heart.

June 24, 2016. Us.

If you don't know by now, I miss my Sweetie, my friend, my lover, the owner of my heart. I was looking though my old pictures and found this one. I felt that is expressed, to me, what we had, and what I keep fighting for. 

We still have the shirts we were wearing, old and faded. I've let my hair grow and she now has short hair. But the love, yes the love that we have for each other, has grown to the bursting point. For me, love never died, it just grew to a new way of showing it. 

Saturday 

The day of the sitter. A day of complete relaxation for myself. Knowing that she is in caring hands does make this time priceless. 

When I went to get her up, she greeted me with that wonderful smile she saves just for me. I knew we were going to have a great day. 

It started before I got her up. I had just gotten off the computer with my two daughters in California. My youngest and I haven't been on good terms for awhile, and it was time for us to clear the air. Using my oldest as mediator, we were able to clear away the wreckage of the past, and start the mending process. 

The other morning when Sweetie stirred her cereal to mush, I was wondering why. One of the thoughts was, we are out of bananas, and she would mix the bananas with the cereal before she would eat. Because there weren't any bananas she keep stirring, waiting for them to show up. 

This time, I mixed the Fruit Loops with the Honey Nut Cheerios. Success! She mixed and ate. I find it is so interesting the things that she remembers. How if it isn't what she remembers, she just cannot go on. Like a record that keeps skipping back and plays the same part over and over again. 

Breakfast done, helper here, I was off to the course. 

I shared a cart with a lady friend. Never again!! She has a blind spot when it came to having me with her in the cart. I swear she hit every bump on the course. Drove like a bat out of hell, had food and drink in the cart as if she was going on a cross country trip. You've heard of the bull in a china shop, well, that was what it was like. I was still able to have a decent round despite the "Wild Mr. Toad's Ride", I was on. 

When I got home, the report was that Sweetie wasn't herself. She has grown to like our sitter and will "talk" to her. This day, she was in bed most of the morning. 

When she saw me, there was a tear running down her cheek, she missed me. 

For the rest of the day, we did all our normal stuff. The walk about, car ride, and the like. 

We did do something different. Because of the loosing fear of the pandemic, my 5pm meeting on zoom is now back to being an in-person meeting. We went to it. Sweetie was greeted by all that knew her, and she was at first a little stand offish, but soon relaxed and we had a good meeting. I think we will continue doing it until it starts geting dark. Then it will be on a time will tell bases.

Home for dinner, a lot of CBD and Stress Relief lotion, and to bed for a good night sleep, and it did work. 

We hit a good stretch road this day. Just a ride in the county, with blue skies and gentle breezes. Sweetie, Driver and me, holding hands, singing hymns as we go. Traveling on the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless.    

Hopeful thinking.

Sweetie, birthday buddy and me

I feel so fortunate to have a wonderful DIL. We had our difficulties becoming friends. Especially my behavior and ability to offend others. She, in some ways, has assumed a position of counselor. I trust her wisdom, and if I'm seeking a woman's opinion on a matter, she is right person for me to go to. 

I have come to realizes that I have blind spots in my knowledge. So, I am willing to find those who have a better grasp on other worldly view than I do. Before I would reject them out of hand, because of my blind spots. Now I allow myself to be better informed and rounded by their viewpoints. 

Right now, I wondering if it is just hopeful thinking, or a blind spot, that is causing me difficulties. 

Friday 

I was watching Sweetie move around on the bed and I knew that I would have to get her up soon. She was attempting to go back to sleep, but I think Dementia wouldn't let her. 

To no surprise, she was wet when I went to get her. I'm finding more and more, it is, or seems to be, her being wet that is waking her. With the A/C on, she gets cold, and that seems to be the  problem. Or, it sounds like a good reason to me for her to get up. It is mornings that she hasn't soaked through that she seems to sleep longer. 

Because of who is coming to sit with her, I felt it would be a good morning to do a complete shower on her. This means for me to get into the shower with her, for we are going to wash her hair. 

She has such thick hair, and now that it is short, it is easy to wash. The shower chair is a real blessing for this task. So much easier, quicker, and she doesn't get upset. Keep talking as we go, and next thing Sweetie knows, we are done and she is squeaky clean and out of the shower. 

Something new has been added to her breakfast time. This morning she didn't eat her cereal, she just mixed it and mixed it until it became mush. She didn't eat one spoonful. After many attempts to try to get her to break the mixing mood she seemed to be stuck in, I gave up. Made her some toast, with CBD, cinnamon and sugar and she stopped the mixing and ate the toast. Was happy to get her to eat something. 

Leaving her at the table, went about with my morning task. Stripping the wet sheet off the bed, remaking the bed, and using the last of the drop cloths for the bed. 

Knowing that my lady was coming tomorrow, pulled the laundry out of the washing machine  (use it as a hamper until it is full.) and separated the items into three loads. Washed the sheets and pillow cases, leaving the other two for my lady to finish. 

When I was done, went to check on Sweetie. She had fallen asleep at the table. Guided her back to bed, and left for the course. 

After my round, I spied the course pro, and told him about my Hole in One. Because there wasn't anyone to see it, I didn't expect what happened next. He asked if I wanted it to be published. It seems that when something like that happens, they inform the local newspaper and get it published. Neat, going to have my name (misspelled as usual.) in the paper. 

Had to go back over to the boys house to get our quilt, and get some of that great birthday pie. A big piece of banana cream and peanut butter cup pie. 

Then it was stopping at the grocery store on the way home, shopping, than home. After unloading and putting groceries away, we headed out for a walk about at the mall. It was a pain free walk for me, the first in sometime, then back home we went. 

Wasn't sure what we would have for dinner. We watched a show on Roku TV called "The Shape of Pasta." I was expecting each episode to be minimum of 30 minutes with 20 of those minutes being filler to make a 30 minute show. 

Pleasantly surprised, only like 9 to 12 minutes per show. Anyway, one of the things was the different sauces that were used. It sparked my imagination. 

So, we had chicken, celery, diced tomatoed, pineapple, cooked with teriyaki sauce. Mixed with shell macaroni.

To my surprise and wonder, Sweetie liked it, and ate, and ate some more. Then when I broke out the pie, she did the same. 

          

Sweetie isn't going to bed at night as easily as she has been, and I think it is my fault. After dinner and before bed time, we sit on the couch and watch TV. What I forget is as the clock ticks, the CBD is loosing its effectiveness. So, when we go to bed, she is out of CBD and Dementia thinking takes over. 

Last night she was up, trying to strip the covers off, not just the bed, but me too. She kept this up for about an hour. When she left the room, following her, was able to get her to take some CBD, and put lotion on her hands. That was the answer to a night of restful sleep. 

Knowing and remembering are two separate items for me to remember. To give her CBD an hour before bedtime just might short circuit these late night wrestling matches. What counts is that she did get some sleep. 

Sleep, relaxation, refresh. Those are the things I know I can do while Driver is behind the wheel. Keeping us safe and secure as we drive down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless. 

Little things.

She's in Purple and Red.

My "Old Lady, in Purple and Red." I dressed the this was on purpose. We went over to the son's house for lunch. It was special, it was a duo celebration. For, if you didn't know already, DIL and I are birthday buddies. Twines, only 30 years apart. 

Thursday 

I couldn't have planned the day any better then how it all came about. 

When I went to get her up, she greeted me with her knowing smile. I just love those mornings. She doesn't know me, but she knows me. If that makes any sense to you. It does for me. She is happy to see me, and is ready and willing to get up and get going.

Up and into the shower we went. We are getting better with getting her going in the morning. I sometimes get upset with myself, when after we are done and getting dressed, that I remembered I'd forgot to do this, that, or the other thing while getting her ready for the day.

Just things that should be everyday habit, like brushing teeth. She has lost that ability a long time ago, and I don't make a habitual attempt to clean her teeth, or wash her face. Buzzing her whiskers is easy, because if I don't, she'll gets her chimpanzee chin, and she doesn't look good. I just need to slow down, and get it all done, even if she is in a being difficult mood. 

Dressed and out for breakfast. A full bowl of cereal, ensure and prune juice. Out of bananas, so, mixed Fruit Loops with Honey Nut Cheerios, work out quite well. 

I left her at the table to finish as it was time for me to get going. Returning to find she had finished her breakfast and was sleeping in her chair. Tried to get her to go back to bed, and she wasn't up to that, so she stayed at the table. 

Did get her back to bed, but then she came right back out, sat in a more comfortable chair, and went back to sleep. Let her nap until it was time to go. 

It was one of the best days we have had in a long, long time. She was calm all day, happy to be with the family. Even when we left and came back. 

Their washing machine is big enough to was the quilt off the bed. I asked if they would wash our quilt, they said yes, and we went a got it. It will be ready today, and that is other adventure for us. 

We had a great rest of the day. I choose not to have a dinner, for lunch was big and heavy. Sweetie did quite well. We did have some Wheat Thins and cookies before bed. 

Sweetie is having difficulties with sleeping these nights. She has no problem falling to sleep watching TV, sitting on a chair or couch. It is in the bed that seems to be giving her grief. When she is sleeping in the dinning room chair, which is a tall chair, I worry about her falling off it. 

It is when I wake up to her getting out of bed, wandering the house, then back to bed again. 

Had raised the temperature of the A/C one degree. When I woke up, I was wet with sweat, so, then a there lowered the temperature back down by one degree and went back to bed. 

When I woke up, Sweetie was asleep, had the covers on, and as I'm writing this, still asleep. One degree, who would of thunk that? 

It is sometimes the little things that make the biggest difference. As Driver is constantly adjusting the steering to keep us on the Road to Dementia Town, I too, must be aware of the little adjustments I must make to keep Sweetie in her sweet spot. Then it is easy to be up tempo, it is when adjustments are needed, that is where knowledge of what to do and when to do it comes into play. I'm just grateful that I have my Driver to lead the way. As we go, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv ya, and God Bless.        

Life is good.

Life is good.

Yes, Life is Good. How can it not be. Think about it, just how many good days are there compared to bad days? 

Just because Sweetie and me are going through her Dementia together, doesn't mean that all days are bad, or that all days are good. Each day is what I make of it. I choose whether the day is good or bad. And, if you like, I can also choose which hours are good or bad. 

It is all in my choosing how each day will be. I'm more upset with myself when Sweetie and I have a tuff. It is more of my frustration with her, then anything else. Because I know, no matter what I say to her when she gets upset, there aren't any words that will settle her emotions, they have to play themselves out, they do not have boundaries and all I can do is hold on and make sure she doesn't hurt herself. Then, when it is over, it is as if nothing happened. 

Wednesday 

I was in my morning zoom meeting, when I looked and saw, not only was she awake, she was up and making the bed. The time to get moving was now. 

Yep, she was wet and cold. Getting going was on an early time table. Up, showered, dressed, I was able to sit her down, and she watched Winne the Pooh, while I went back to my meeting. 

In the past, when she would get up this early, she would come and sit with me during the meeting. That phase seems to have left the train station. For she would rather watch TV, then sit with me in a meeting. 

Being up as early as she was, it makes for a different day. It messes up her internal clock. So when it was time for us to head out to the course, she didn't want to come. So, I put her down for her nap, and left the TV on, in case she got up, she could watch her show. 

When I got to the course, my playing partner didn't show, so I went out as a single. When I came to the fourth hole, I was two over. There was a hush as I stepped up to the ball, I swung and had a good strike. Watching the ball in flight, (oo's and ahh's from the crowd) it was looking good. Said to myself, good shot, heading for the flag. When it landed on the green, just short of the flag, "What a great shot!" I told myself. Then the roll, it rolled closer, and closer, and then disappeared! HOLE IN ONE!!!! And the crowd went wild! In one shot, I fulfilled two of my golf bucket list goals. Of course the hole in one, and, because it was two strokes below par, it is, also, an Eagle! I can quit happy now. But not yet. There are still some high water marks left to do. 

When I returned to get Sweetie, she was still in bed, so I let her stay there. When she did get up, we had lunch and headed out for our walk about. Lately, it is me who is having the problem with our outings. My legs will start hurting, and it takes all my will power to make it through. There are times when the pain is so bad, I have to stop and sit for a few minutes to relieve the pain so we can finish. Then there are days when I can walk pain free. Go figure. Even on the golf course, I was walk the course, carrying my bag, and not have any problems. I think that is what bugs me the most. 

Dinner was a challenge. She tried to eat, it just wasn't happening. So, I cleared the table, and tried to sit down for the evening. She was upset with me for taking her meal away, so she sat stoned face for awhile. It wasn't until I got some cookies and milk did she loosen up. 

Bed time is tricky. She can be the warmest woman in the world while on the couch. It is when we head for bed that Dementia's balance comes undone. 

Some nights it is easy for me, I can just get her to take off her shoes, and get in bed. Last night wasn't one of those nights. Anything I said or did was all wrong for her. She yelled, she stomped, and at one point, I had to leave the room. When I heard her leave the room, I went back, she had taken the covers off, and was just storming around. 

At that point, the best thing I can do, is fix the bed and crawl in and wait for her to come back to bed. She soon came back and join me in bed. 

In the middle of the night, I was waken by her moving around. She was having a nightmare, and wanted to hold my hand. She was twisting and turning, mumbling about the boys, pulling me close then pushing me away. It went on for sometime and nothing I did would ease her distress. It seemed like forever before she was able to get back to peaceful sleep, it did and sleep returned. 

If you didn't know this already, there are some dark tunnels on this Road to Dementia Town. Some short, and some that seem to take forever to get through. The scariest ones are when there is nothing but black all around. Driver says for me not to worry. For He knows the tunnels, and they always end in the light. Like last night, I just had to hang onto her hand, try to make her feel safe and secure so when she does come out of the tunnel, she can find comfort there. It is all in the day of traveling down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless. 

Plan for the best

At breakfast

As we sit and eat breakfast, I remembered that I was going to take a picture a day of Sweetie, to keep a photo record as we live each day together. 

Last Monday was my 8 year sober anniversary. One of my lady friends wished me a happy birthday and added this. "I know the what is going on with you, and you're doing it with such grace." Man, did that make me fill humble, uplifted, and encouraged all at the same time.

I think we are set for the 6 months or so. With her new long sleeve t-shirts and her haircut, that should get us through to January 2022. I shouldn't have to give her another trim until then. With the shirts, fall and early winter around the corner, she will also have enough warm clothe for what is coming. 

Plan for the best, expect the worse, and usually what happens is somewhere in the middle of those two points. That is the point of the last paragraph. The worse, Sweetie going home, the best is that we are still together. Life is what happens between those two points. 

As you know, I've been leaving Sweetie home when she naps and head for the golf course. Having more confidence that she won't harm herself, and is safe. One of my neighbors saw me leaving by myself, and asked if I had put her in a home. She was surprised by my answer, which is how I started this paragraph. After hearing my answer, she quickly scurried back home leaving with the old "If you ever need anything, give me a call." She has a good heart, and I'm glad she is one of my neighbors. 

Tuesday

I'm usually up between 2 and 3am each morning. I get my solitude time. I get to talk to you in my blog, and I get my AA meeting on zoom done before I get Sweetie up. This is the time where I get my emotions in order, for the day ahead is a mystery and I need to have them well feed and ready for this day. 

After our normal morning routine and breakfast, the time for me to head for the course was soon upon us. Sweetie didn't act like she was going to go back to bed, so I told her where I was going, and in her way, she wanted to go with me. Knowing that the past couple of times, we didn't make the last couple of holes, I was concerned. 

I'm happy to report, we made the complete 9 holes. I was worried that she would get out of the cart and wander off, so, that effected my game just enough to not have the best round possible. Anyway, some golf is better than no golf at all. The best part is she made it, and I was happy. 

It looks like our son is going to be the next in line to get Sweetie's Mazda. His van is dying a slow death, and what was going to be a grandson's vehicle, just may turn out to the next family car. 

It is in the shop now, and got a call from the dealership, so far, it is under $1K, but that is just to get it started, will know more when they get the parts in and fire her up. I'm happy that her car going to be in the family for a few more years. 

Son called to get an update on the car, he was disappointed with the time in shop. He is still a big kid and wants to drive mom's little hot rod Mazda. I smile that knowing smile. 

We had a good day, I not only got my golf game in, also got some yardwork done. Pulling weeds, transplanting grass from back to front, and just enjoying the day.

We also did our walk about later in the day, which was good for both of us. 

The best time is the evening time. This is where I get refreshed, refilled, and relaxed. This is where our hearts talk to one other. This is the where the wonder of love comes in. 

"Makes it all worth while." is what Driver is whispering in my ear. The reward of the day, is the Heart to Heart talk. Words cannot express the joy that comes from just sitting and being one with her and her with me. As we travel down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping Our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless.  

Holding hands.

Us

I try to look at my days of yesterdays and somehow summarize my feelings, what happened, how it affects me, and what have I learned from it. Was there something new, or just a repeat of the day before? Did I loose it with Sweetie, or did I grow? 

There are times, as you all know and can understand, that I will go through all of these emotions and question my intentions each and everyday. I know I get selfish for myself, and want to fling off all the responsibilities I have, put Sweetie in a facility, close the door and run away. 

I can't do that, not now when there is so much living yet to do. That is not the answer, and I know it. 

May 10, 1986, I made a contract promise to her, to love her through sickness and in health, until death do us part. When I made that promise, I had no understanding of the full weight of it and now I do. It is time for me to fulfill my end of that contract promise, with an open heart, to love with. and open arms, to hug her with, and hands to hold as we walk to the finish line. 

Monday

Our morning was about the same, accept for something that I find myself doing each morning. When I get her to the bathroom and ready to step into the shower, I used to just take off her pants and pullups. When I did that, her shirt would get wet, no matter how I hard I tried not to let that happen. Now, I take all her clothes off of her. Then when I get her into the shower, I can was from her arm pits down. 

The other advantage is, I get to put clean cloths on her each day. Almost like when we were working, living a "normal" life. Shower and clean cloths were the order of the day. Sure it is a little more work for me, but what the hell, she looks good each day. 

For breakfast, I gave her a big bowl of cereal, and she ate it all. Which is now my growing belief that I need to start her day with a full stomach which means a bigger breakfast.   

When I told her I was going to the golf course, she wanted to go with me. Why not give her another try at it. 

I now have Gatorade to keep on hand. To see if it will help her, strengthen her, as we play. Plus she did have a good breakfast and I felt she just might make it. 

Off we went, and when we got to the course, it was packed. All over town, there was a statewide tournament. It didn't affect where I usually play, except all the carts were out. Parents were there to watch their kids play, had used up all the carts. 

So instead of just going home, we went to the mall for our walk about. 

As we were walking, I slowed the pace down just a little. I don't think Sweetie understands just how fast she is walking, and I wasn't ready to set some sort of speed record. 

Home, to watch TV, eat lunch and to put her down for her nap. 

While she was down, I headed back to the course, did a quick round and then home. She was still napping when I got home, so I just let her sleep. 

For dinner, we had left overs. I've found that shell macaroni is something that she likes. Bigger than elbow, or the small shell, and it is easier for her to put it on her spoon. Always good to find something that works. Now, we can have "spaghetti" more often. 

Had one of those loving evenings, which make this all worthwhile. If Sweetie didn't have Dementia, this is how we would end our days. On the couch, watching something that didn't mean a whole lot, holding hands until bed time.  

I think my Driver is getting to me. "Now, just what are you missing these days?" He asks. Not much, maybe a bit more conversations. "Isn't she talking to your heart?" He would ask. True, the heart has a conversation that is beyond words. Behold the Easter Egg. Surprise after surprise awaits us, as we motor down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping Our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless.

Turn! Turn! Turn!

New haircut, Sweetie Pretty in Pink.

Do you know what I go through each and everyday? I've often wondered that. Not, you my reading audience, those who tell me what a wonderful job I'm doing with my wife. I think it is like anything else in life, when you see, or know of someone that is going through a trial that you wouldn't wish on a best enemy, on how well they are performing, holding up, and still seem to make a life for themselves. 

Remembering the Byrd's song "Turn! Turn! Turn!" A time for all seasons, a time to be born, and a time to die. When I think about the song and the Book of Ecclesiastics, that there is a pattern to life. From the time of the egg and sperm to that day of my last breath, my life was to be lived by these simple patterns. 

Just what is that pattern? To be born, to grow, to learn, to take what I've learned and do what is the next right thing ahead of me. Right now, that next right thing is taking care of the woman that I love as we enter those final days of our lives. To make the most of the moments we have left. 

Sunday 

Sunday was like most of our days. Sweetie sleeping in, me watching church on TV. Seeing that she was awake, I went to get her. 

She finds church the best TV of the week. I can tell, for she isn't just staring off into nothingness, she is paying attention. Being a preacher's kid, I think that part of her memory is very active. She would tell me how their Dad would quiz them at dinner about his sermon. To see if they had paid attention to his teaching. 

After church, it was time to get the mower out. Just a couple of weeks ago, Sweetie would come out and help push the mower around the lawns, to be with me. Now she just wants to sit and watch TV, or go back to bed. Making sure the house is secure, time to get the stuff out and get the yards done. It was hot, I'm sweating, and the grass is, as it always does, looks good after it is mowed. Immediate gratification when I mow the lawns, makes it worth while. 

After that, we went for a walk about, and little grocery shopping, and home. 

Sweetie is being in a better mood in the afternoons and we get along better. It seems that the mornings are for her just trying to center herself, find who and where she is. It seems that I'm the only thing that is constant in her life right now, as it should be. 

I shouldn't be surprised by this understanding, for me and Driver are the ones that see and talk to her on a daily bases. Me, in her eyes and ears, and He is in her heart. As we travel, I'm needing His guidance more and more. He assures me that the Road to Dementia Town seems longer then it really is, that we will get there soon enough, so sit back and let the road take us where we need to be. For we are traveling down the Road to Dementia Town, as always, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless.

 

When I am old.

 

Best I could do in a pinch

No purple, or red hat

Just Sweetie

When I Am Old.

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple With a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me, And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter. I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired, And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells, And run my stick along the public railings, And make up for the sobriety of my youth. I shall go out in my slippers in the rain And pick the flowers in other people's gardens, And learn to spit. You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat, And eat three pounds of sausages at a go, Or only bread and pickle for a week, And hoard pens and pencils and beer mats and things in boxes. But now we must have clothes that keep us dry, And pay our rent and not swear in the street, And set a good example for the children. We will have friends to dinner and read the papers. But maybe I ought to practice a little now? So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised, When suddenly I am old and start to wear purple! Jenny Joseph

Because I had mentioned the Poem, "Warning", I thought I'd find a picture that might give you and idea what Sweetie might look like if she was in purple and red. 

It is like a soft breeze that goes through me, when I think about the way life might have been. Dementia as stolen those dreams, the joyful plans the couples make. For when the cares of raising a family, watching our children become adults, and hoping for nothing but the best for them. 

We did have a taste of that, before we were too far down the Road to Dementia Town, and it was nice. Travel, sight see, not to be tied down to cares and worries like before. I should not bemoan what isn't. I should rejoice that we had that precious time. For some is better than none. 

Saturday 

It was and it wasn't like what I'd hope it would be. Our lady hurt herself on Friday, and couldn't come and take care of Sweetie. I have to expect those happenings. I'm going to suggest that she and our other lady, work things out, so I'm not left hanging. 

It turned out for the best. I felt that this was a good time to give Sweetie a shampoo and shower. That is what we did. After sitting her down on the shower chair, getting her hair wet and soapy, the job was done with a minimum of complaints. 

After I got her dressed and sitting on the couch, she was shivering. So, wrapped her up in a light blanket to keep her warm. I am surprised that she gets that cold. I know I have the house at 75F degrees, and she is cold. Going to move it up 1 degree, and see if it helps. 

After breakfast, she went back to bed, and I headed for the course. Knowing that she will be in bed, makes it easy for me. Cameras on, and I'm good. 

When I got home, I'd been talking about giving her another haircut. After lunch, put the stool in the kitchen, and she got on it, no questions asked, and I got the clippers out. I've gotten over worrying about making mistakes, and away we went. I think it looks good, so in a couple of days, it will look better. 

When I got home, she was still asleep. We are moving into the sleeping stage. On our last doctor visit, we talked about her sleeping as much as she is and should I be worried about it.

The consensuses is it a progression, and she will be spending more and more time in bed, and so it goes. 

I remember there was a time when Sweetie had volunteered to read to a lady that was in her 90's. She would tell me that as she read, she would fall asleep, wake up, and then repeat. It looks like she is heading in that direction.

I've decided that because she can no longer do the golf and walk about, I've chose one, the walk about. I think it will be the better of the two. Its later in the day, and I won't be too worried if she has one of her fainting spell. Also, because we two laps around the mall, I can cut it down to where her abilities allow her to be. Just another mile stone in our travel. 

Evenings are still the best part of our day, still able to cuddle, watch TV, and feed her cookies. Love this bit of loverhood that we have left. 

"Loverhood?" asked Driver. I never heard that before, it is a good word for us. He likes the creativity of it. It colors our time with joy, and it is good. For we are on our way, traveling down the Road to Dementia Town, and with joy in the car, we are Keeping Our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless.   

Slowly the changes come.

Just a month ago.

Love this picture, Sweetie at the zoo, the flamingos in the background, and the smile. I don't as many as I'd like.

The things I've learned over the past year. One, be insistent in my caring for her. Even when she doesn't want to do what is, in my eyes, necessary, keep calm and get it done. A soft voice, and words that reassure her that it is Ok for what I do with her. Let her do what she wants to do, as long as it doesn't cause her harm. 

I find that when she is up in the morning, and as I get breakfast, she will watch whatever is on the TV. Which gives me the time to make our breakfast. After breakfast, I've learned to just let her seat and she will finish her meal without me prompting her to eat. 

Eating, that is also becoming a challenge. Breakfast is the biggest meal of the day for her. Dinner seems to have the least interest for her. I believe it is because of the body metabolism is so slow, that she hasn't digested her breakfast and lunch, so she isn't hungry at dinner time. 

So, what should I do? I am going to try for a smaller meal at the end of the day. See how that works. 

Friday 

It was an uneventful raising for the day. We did have some difficulties in the morning washing. She was extra sensitive for some reason. So I let the water flow over her tummy to let her get used to it. That often helps with the washing. I know she is very sensitive all over. It is hard for me not to wash and dry her without hearing her say "ouch" with even the slightest touch on her skin. 

After the washing, we got dressed. I put on her new purple shirt. Sorry, I didn't take a picture of her in it, next time. Purple looks good on her. 

Does anyone remember the purple and red lady poem? It was popular awhile back, maybe 10 years or so. While we were out visiting my daughters in California, we had to wait to be seated at a restaurant because a group of senor citizen women, wearing purple and red, were having a wonderful gathering. 

Sweetie is of that vintage, so I unconsciously have been dressing her in purple and red. So she won't miss out on that simple lifestyle. 

She didn't go with me to play golf, she was napping, so I let her go. The Nanny Cams help me while I'm out. Especially with her cat lifestyle, I know she will be safe while I'm gone. While I'm watching her with the Nanny Cams, I know where and what she is doing. Either TV or in bed, just like a cat. 

When I got home, and found her still asleep, I waited for her to get up. I was brave enough to take her out to do our walk about. She is still strong enough to do one of the two things we were doing just 5 days ago. 

Slowly, the changes come. I've asked our Driver if this is normal. One day at a time is what is needed. Everyday, just do one day at a time. For as each day passes, be happy, and seek the Easter Eggs that come with it. So the highs are high enough to know they are there, and the lows don't get over your head. Keep going forward as we travel the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless.  

They don't stop.

Blue looks good on her.

From a couple of the comments, it seems you liked the idea of a cat/dementia comparison. I feel I hit a home run on that one. 

Because I don't understand a cat's meow, I'm set upon to figure what the cat is meowing about. The same goes for Sweetie, when she is trying to tell me something. The worse thing I could do, is not respond to her mumbling. I know she is attempting to tell me something,  that seems important for her to let me know and I'd better pay attention, other wise she will just go on and get irritated. Like the cat wanting something, or go out side, they don't stop until they get what they want. 

Thursday 

I knew when I went to get her up, she was already awake and had been for awhile. When she is moving, and not seemingly in a hurry to get up, I'll let her stay in bed until I'm ready for her to get up. This way I can have her clean pullups ready for her. I put a panty liner in them, with the idea that when I check her, if she hasn't filled up the pullup, I can just replace the liner, thus saving the use of an extra pullup. 

Sweetie was pleasant when I got her up, she even greeted me with her wonderful smile. Usually a sign that we are going to have a great morning, and maybe a good day. She was peppy and co-operative all morning long. She enjoyed her breakfast, and seemed ready for us to go to the golf course. 

Everything started well, we even chit chatted as we got signed in, and into the cart. She is getting used to staying in the cart with me telling her just where I'll be, what is going on, and that I'll come back and get her as soon as I'm done. It is only when I can't get the cart close enough to the greens, that I have her walk with me. Even with this, it is now getting to be too much for her. 

By the end of the sixth hole, I could see the tell-tell signs of her batteries running low. I told my friends that we were going to head back and so we did. I was correct in assessment of her energy levels. Got her home, and fed, and to bed she went. 

After her nap, I was brave enough to see if she would attempt to do a walk about at the mall. Water battle in hand, as we headed for the car, making her drink at the stop lights, we arrived at the mall.    

She was a trooper, walking at a brisk pace, we marched around the mall. Her head down, finding the right pattern of tile to follow, and off we went. 

On the way home, we stopped at the grocery store to pick up some Gatorade and sugary cereal for tomorrows attempt at the golf course. I don't think Sweetie will eat the cereal, but she might drink the Gatorade, anything that helps will be great. 

Made another batch of potato salad, she seems to like it, as so do I. It is a summer thing. 

Dinner didn't go like I'd hoped it would. She was up and down, back and forth, but I was able to get her to eat most of her meal. 

Afterwards, while we watch TV, I can feed her some cholate chip cookies and milk, that wasn't the case last night. I keep thinking that I'm going to cut down on something so she will be hungry at meal time, that won't work. I should be happy that she is eating. For I know that there will be a time when she just won't eat at all. 

These are the days when my Dear Driver is showing me is headed our way. The storm clouds ahead, on the horizon, They seem small, and just so far away, yet they are coming. He told me not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worries yet to come. One day at a time, enjoy the Easter Eggs that we find this day. Don't let tomorrow ting this day. For it will all happen when it is the right time. As for today, we are happy as we head down the Road to Dementia Town, Keeping our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless.

Napping cat syndrome.

06/16/2021

Sweetie is wearing her new long sleeve t-shirt that I got for her. As a matter of fact, I ordered 3 of them. They complement the other 2 that she has, for a total of five. Even with the temperature in the 80's she still gets her arms chilled. Hoping that this will be a solution for her. 

Yesterday, I was in a low spot, and mumbled about lingering. Well, last night, the idea of living with a cat came to light.

Think of it this way, cats will sleep all day, walk into a room, and walk out. Sometimes they will jump up into your lap, and purr and want to be petted. Then there are the times, as soon as they see you, the run the other way. Sometimes they eat, then there are the times when nothing you give them will do. If your a cat person, you put up with the behavior, because they are a cat, it is what you expect. 

By trying to see Sweetie's Dementia behavior is similar to a cat, it makes more sense to me.  To be able to attach something that makes sense to me to her behavior helps with my coping skills. 

Wednesday

The pattern of getting up earlier then I'd like is continuing. Now she is not just getting up, she is trying to make the bed and then she heads out of the room. This is where I have to meet her, and steer her into the bathroom. 

Another thing is developing. Who I am. I would introduce myself to her, and she would remember for awhile, now it seems I'm doing it over and over again. It helps when she is resisting me when I try to get her pants and pullups off. She'll go soft, and allow me to do what needs to be done. 

Sweetie is getting weaker by the day. Even at the golf course, she, again, didn't make it through the 9 holes. Even with my attempts to keep her in the golf cart to conserve her energy and they didn't work. Got in 7 holes  before I saw that "look". I knew we had to get home fast. Even when we got to the car, she was weak and stumbling. We just made it in the car before she fainted again. It appears that my golf outings are going to be thinning out quickly. 

   

When we got home, it was the napping cat syndrome for her. Just when I think I've got things figured out, Dementia throws me a curve ball, and it is strike thee, and I'm out of there. Not to worry, I have more plate appearances still to go. She was so out of it, we didn't make our mall walk about either. How quickly things change.

When she does get up, I started pumping Hemp Oil into her. I've noticed that when she is this way, the more I get into her, the better she is. One to start the recovery, then another soon afterwards to continue the recovery. It is the same with the morning, one right off the bat, and then another shortly there after. 

Buckle up, for we're heading out for another day of life as we travel down the Road to Dementia Town. It seems that there might be some detours along the way, some rough roads to travel today, but that is OK. Because Driver will know which way is best. As we watch for cars that belong to those we've traveled with before. Waving when we see them. The know us, because we have our Shiny Side Up. C'ya, Luv Ya, and God Bless.